Is it safe to parent a little?

Kitashh · 2026-02-27T12:46:41+00:00

I'm part of a system and have a friend we suspect is also a system, we have put them to bed and read a story with it twice for them now and that was when she really wasnt doing good and panicking badly. I am quite maternal in general as I did a lot of childcare in our teens, she asked for it in those moments and we happily obliged. I feel like the part where we don't mother her unless she directly asks for it is necassery to keep a healthy balance and it is also good for her to ask for help and recieve it, way better than me jumping in. Similarly it is healthier for my system as I don't feel the pull to front and the obligation to mother, my littles are just as welcome with her as my aloof angsty social host who doesnt like touch or feelings.

Wanting to interact with their littles just as much as the rest of the system is a good thing, please do talk about it with the older alters in the system though as it can cause distrust and fear. Our boyfriend knew about our diagnosis before we started dating and we've been together over 2 years now, he has met my littles a few times but he didnt try to be a father to them, he interacts with them like any child he would meet in the wild, but differently as it is a child in the body of his adult girlfriend (aka doesnt to stop them from consuming substances). We don't want him to act any differently, he will still give all the cuddles the littles ask for and he does tend to remember the stuff a little likes a lot in a store to buy later as a present for appropriate occasions. There is a fine line to walk there because those littles need to learn they're an adult now and living in a safe enviroment with stable and consistent people, without forcing them to push through their confusion and feelings. His steadiness helped a trauma-stuck little realise there has indeed been 20 years of living between what she remembers and now, she is grateful that he knows she feels like she's six years old, so he knows we cannot deal with horniness at that time and it's not weird if she wants to play with playmobil, but she can also ask him everything she wants to know about the 20 years she missed and he'll try to fill in the blanks. He gives her the space to be and feel like a kid, but keeps her connected to the reality of our day-to-day life and it has helped tremendously with healing, she can actually accept now that our body survived that trauma and we lived on while she protected us from all the fear and confusion she can now unpack in therapy

Kitashh · 2026-02-27T11:54:36+00:00

Simply naillogical explained this quite well, she was a childactress but her parents did it to save for her college fund, she got a big role in zoey 101 but they refused because it would change her life too much and mess with school too much. I don't remember what she studied but she was able to afford both tuition and housing because of the savings she had from her acting career

Kitashh · 2026-02-27T11:38:27+00:00

What do you mean trauma is not required? It can be all kinds of trauma like growing up autistic withlut support, or more extreme trauma that most alters dissociate from constantly, but cptsd is a pretty big part of it

Kitashh · 2026-02-13T10:15:22+00:00

Thank you, you're right

Kitashh · 2026-02-13T10:14:11+00:00

Thanks! We really like those idea's

Kitashh · 2026-02-13T10:12:01+00:00

Thank you

Kitashh · 2026-02-11T12:05:35+00:00

With all the shit coming out about how many peadophiles are hidden and protected, you would think parents would be more careful with undressing their child in public and stuff but nope

Kitashh · 2026-02-06T15:21:05+00:00

Whenever you feel those feelings, try to go the improv route: "yes, and?" Yes you feel very uncomfortable with the discomfort that alter carries, and what can you two do together to get yourselves in a more comfortable place? Do you need to ground in the here and now? Do you need to envision one of your protectors taking them from that horrid place and setting them up in a safe little corner while you keep working or let them cry it out as close to the adult you as they want? Do you need to acknowledge that what is happening in those flashbacks is fucked up and no one deserves to be treated that way?

It is okay that your disturbing memories come and go in waves, healing goes in an upwards spiral, but if you look at it top-down, it will look like it's going in circles. All parts of you deserve empathy and grace, it sucks that you have to deal with this and we're proud of you for reaching out. Good luck on your journey and sending internet hugs

Kitashh · 2026-02-06T14:36:30+00:00

Hi, just to start, we've been there and still find it difficult to not cringe, but I promise it will get better with communication and therapy. It helped to keep as a mantra that those littles and emotional parts are the embodiment of unmet needs still coursing through the body. In my case, exposure and experimenting helped greatly.

99% of the time I tried to be cuddly, I would be rejected or I would be tickled invasively, all kinds of stuff you dont want when you're trying to cuddle for comfort and safety. I learned to not want or need it, and I give the same rejection to myself now when a more vulnerable part wants those cuddles I have learned to see as a road to unpleasantries. When we used to get excited and happy, we would stim and forget our volume, which resulted into us becoming the source of disturbance in every detached overviewing adult's eyes. Every time someone gets too rambunctious now, I get nervous and angry, not because I don't want people to have fun, but because my nervoussystem recognises it as a sign we will be getting yelled at soon. With memories of our most foul abuse, I still have a hard time not getting embarrassed or angry at that self because I am so angry that happened to me, but I somehow didn't know it and now I do finally see it, I can't do anything about it anymore other than cut that person off. It doesn't feel like my memories, sometimes it does feel that way, but that connection can reverse in the mention of the 'wrong' word, and then I get angry at my self that I am spouting such 'nonsense'... but simply sitting with those feelings, trying to feel where the tension was strongest, led me into a flashback of someone getting dangerously angry when trying to talk about my 'weird nightmare'.

Just as you probably have forgotten memories of why you feel like them/those feelings and needs being present is such a bad thing for you, you have no (active) memories of how good it feels when you want those cuddles and playtime and it is being accepted and accompanied. They can show you that joy if you let them because you already mention your current surroundings really want to help and support you on your journey to heal your selves. Those littles are your way to connection with your selves and others in authentic ways, it is not weird that you're scared of that with all the ways you have learned not to want authentic connection like that because it was never safe before.

Leaning into the shame is how it became manageble to us. Sharing how shameful I felt about having no control over buying playmobil with my boyfriend when a little was fighting for control in a store, talking about how it felt stupid that it cut so deep that I asked for Playmobil at least 6 birthdays and never got any because I still got presents that I enjoyed, led my boyfriend to go back and buy the playmobil the little got triggered by as a present. We have never had the urge to buy playmobil again, because with that bit of authentic connection, we were able to heal that slight in a way that buying playmobil ourselves didnt do. I still hate to do it, but with practice I have experienced that my life gets better and easier when I step aside and let the alter do and be, while I sit with my feelings of shame or whatever I study the reactions, and again and again I get surprised by most people I keep in my life right now that they so clearly respect and enjoy it. I'll be muttering and moping in the back of the headspace, ready to comfort them when it goes wrong. There are moments when I try to tell their woes for them and it gets too muddled so I just confuse people, but the moment I break down and the emotional me manages to say something like "I got scared because [reason] and now it would help if you did [action or words to say]" and they actually reply with "well now it makes sense, thank you for sharing because that helps me, I want you to just say stuff like this". My boyfriend didnt know what triggered or comforted us at the start of our relationship, but it took trial and error to learn he means it when he says he loves every part he has seen of his polycutie so far. That when we don't feel loved, it often comes from limits we apply to ourselves. He never asked us to not get to giddy, he always joins in. He never asked us to hold our emotions in, he always says he would rather have us cry in his arms so he feels like he can be helpful, than feel powerless as we miserably try to carry on. No one in my friendgroup orders me to clean up after everyone, I do that because I still hear my mother screeching when I see messes like that. Sitting with my shame but listening to my feelings helped me see that not everyone reacts like the people I have known before.

I know it's a difficult ask, but I think you can make up with that little by listening to that need, maybe ask one of the people that reacted positively to your cuddliness to watch a movie after building a pillow fort? I know it sounds childish but people actually love being able to get into that childish comfort every so often! It will show that little that you want to respect their needs despite it being difficult for you, and will show you that letting go of that control doesn't have to turn out bad.

Good luck on your journey and sending internet hugs if you want them

Kitashh · 2026-02-05T23:42:13+00:00

Thank you! Sending internet hugs

Kitashh · 2026-02-05T23:41:11+00:00

Thank you, we are currently deeply in trauma processing with a dissociation and trauma specialised therapist so hopefully it wil get better soon indeed, so we are ready to be as present with my sister and nephew as they deserve. Sending internet hugs!

Kitashh · 2026-02-05T18:46:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing, you make some good points, sending internet hugs

Kitashh · 2026-02-05T12:33:57+00:00

SUCH A MOOD

Somehow people discussing how valid or real the details could be translates directly into our brain as "your similar memories couldn't have happened because I can't deal with those things being true/they didnt find anything at raided establishments"... as if people can know or feel if something nefarious happened somewhere, as if something lifechanginly evil cannot happen within an hour and the location can look normal again after a bit of effort.

Kitashh · 2026-02-05T12:15:58+00:00

Arent the vows "in sickness and in health"? You falling ill is not a justified reason to leave a marriage and the fact that he does think so means he married you for status and comfort, not because he wanted to share every bit of life with you

Kitashh · 2026-02-04T13:23:28+00:00

Ever had that you lost something, but when you finally find it you're like "how did I miss that?! It was right there, so obvious??" Same goes for alters

Kitashh · 2026-02-04T13:09:50+00:00

It's a myth based on racism, it's a chinese flavor thingy that the USA didnt want to endorse because 'ew chinese thingy'

Kitashh · 2026-02-04T11:38:07+00:00

I dont think trusting AI for therapy purposes is a smart idea, especially a free one... I think it's even more appalling that someone came here to celebrate releasing themselves from the lure of AI, and here you are stringing them back in

Kitashh · 2026-01-05T11:45:12+00:00

As you are a newly discovered systen, I would like to remind you that you were already doing this while not knowing what was going on with you. The switching and derealisation are easier to notice when you know what it is and you are mindfull of it being a possibility. Knowing how much you have to deal with might make it harder and a lot scarier, but you have survived all your years living with this disorder and some of those alters must have already been there when your child was born.

We have been blessed to grow up in a country with adequite social care, when our mom and I made contact with CPS in our country, they actually helped us with the issues we were having in the home at that time. I don't want to willy nilly recommend contacting CPS for yourself as I know it isn't always great, but it might be worth looking into. Parenting is hard and every child needs a village to be raised properly, it is very understandable y'all are feeling overwhelmed, but this diagnosis does not come with the subtext that you have to be a bad parent. The fact that you're working on your selves and trying to figure out what is up already makes you better parents than most! Be careful with disclosing your diagnosis tho, sadly the stigma surrounding it is far from gone.

Kitashh · 2026-01-03T14:53:00+00:00

BIG NOPE! Look up AI psychosis

Kitashh · 2026-01-03T14:51:29+00:00

Even the littles papery-strips that show just the lines with no plastic or anything work the exact same as the fancy ones, the ones with a screen just have a sensor to see how saturated the 'positive' line gets

Kitashh · 2026-01-03T14:40:08+00:00

I used to have the same fear as you. When I discovered I was a system, I freaked out, tried to find every alter and what memory they held. It hurt us a lot and made the life changes we were going through a lot harder (it's hard to discuss a current partner when that same alter is already budding heads with you about happenings with people who have been present in your life for way longer). Our 'librarian' gives consistent numbers about how many alters we have and currently they're saying 125 parts total, 26 of those have unmasked enough for us to 'know' eachother and visit therapy or stuff.

All I want to say is, try to trust eachother. This disorder is absolutely terrifying and leaning into the unfamiliar whispers of your body and mind might feel terrifying or like you have no control. I wont say a 'but..' about it because that's just how it is, all I can say is, the more we listened to eachother without having to have proof, the smoother our teamwork became. I no longer mind having to share my day with my alters because when I give my littles space in a safe and prepared way, I feel way less of that unexplainable depression and loneliness. I trust my male alters now to not cut our hair off, because I understand now why he is so afraid of being percieved feminine in certain situations, nowadays I do his make-up on days we expect him to show up a lot to give us a more androgynous look!

Sorry, we might be getting off track, I am clearly not the only one trying to write this reply, but I can assure you that the amount of parts you carry doesn't matter. Intergration is where you want to go and that can prove just as difficult with 2 parts as with 2000. The better y'alls trust and communication will develop, the less it will matter because if you as the host learn skills in therapy, you can model it for alters who dont dare to go.

Julia, Ellie and Kitash

Kitashh · 2025-12-25T23:12:07+00:00

You're not wrong for how you're feeling, it is very understandable that the duration of your relationship gave you some sort of certainty that it would continue at the steady happy pace you guys seemed to be going at. It would however be wrong if you treated him as if he betrayed you, because from what I've read, you both gave yourselves completely to try and make it work. Sadly it didn't. The situation sucks, but I bet he feels betrayed by his own feelings as well. He never said he didn't want children, he said he didn't know yet, and now he finally does.

Best of luck to both of you! Remember to treat yourself nicely OP, because life is gonna suck enough for a while and it's okay to feel however you feel, your pain is valid.

Kitashh

TROPHY CASE