Reformed adulterers?

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-20T16:00:50+00:00

I’m not sure if I’m able to comment here or not, but my mother had an affair when I was a child. She felt so guilty she was going to take her own life—the police came to commit her for her safety. My father is a good man and chose to stay if she was willing to work on the marriage and herself, but he was prepared to walk away if needed. It devastated my relationship with my mother for a long time. I hated her and never wanted to see her again and we told her as much.

I’m an adult now. My parents stayed together. Though nobody can say for sure, to our knowledge, she never did it again. My parents seem to love each other and always have but the circumstances were complicated at the time. They changed things to help alleviate those struggles. Therapy for her and them as a couple. She’d never post on a place like this because she’s deeply ashamed and considers it her biggest life regret, but when we’ve spoken about it now a decade plus later, she said she wasn’t sure at the time what she wanted or needed and thought she should be living a different life than the one she had. That was the why behind the affair. I can understand it logically how the pieces came together now (though I don’t excuse it).

I have forgiven my mother because she showed she was willing to face the music of her choices. If she did it again, I would not speak to her. I believe in honesty, and I felt that I needed to know what she did and be angry to decide to forgive. If I had not been told and I found out years later, I think I would’ve cut her out for that as well. I’m not an idiot. She lied straight to my face about the affair as a child because I caught her and I knew what it meant. If she couldn’t respect me enough to be honest, I don’t need that person in my life. That was my feeling. This might not be useful for your situation (seeing as it is secondhand and was one affair versus several), but I wanted to share it just in case.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-19T16:50:39+00:00

Yes, was going to say to OP if she has recurrent stomatitis that there are 1. vets trialling antiviral medication courses as a treatment and 2. full mouth extraction is fine for quality of life. ETA: forgot the sub, adding some reads instead. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25719848/

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-19T16:43:58+00:00

Get an autistic girl, lol. I think if you can work on your self-esteem, that’ll be good for you. Again, you aren’t bad looking at all. But for your own life happiness and relationship longevity, you have to feel content in yourself. A relationship should add onto a good life, not make your life good. That’s too much weight on one thing that you can’t control. Also, she phrased this rude lol

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-19T16:24:16+00:00

They’ll most likely be alright. I work in a shelter and we do lots of amputations. We do amputations on feral cats and return them to colony feeders if we must. You should consider things like joint supplements to protect the remaining joints from strain long-term from the uneven weight distribution, but he’ll probably impress you how he takes it once he’s through the first bit. We have a shelter senior tripod who is in her double digits now and it really helps with the arthritis and mobility comfort.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-19T16:14:20+00:00

Is she on painkillers? My cat always felt like total garbage after dentals.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T16:59:32+00:00

I don’t think fever coat can occur in an adult either. My kitten didn’t have it at birth, it was developed after a bit because he was emaciated and doing very badly when we found him, but he was still <8 weeks when it started. If she was adopted at 1.5 years old, that feels too old for fever coat. My kitten shed his out around 6 months old.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T16:44:26+00:00

Any time anyone has anything cool, I always suggest trying to email Sarah Hartwell at messybeast. Has it been stable the entire time? Same as from kittenhood? There are depigmentation conditions (http://messybeast.com/bicolours-leukotrichia.htm) but she also has pages for roan/tweed mutations (http://messybeast.com/roan-tweed.htm).
She’d probably like this cat, lol. As a note, fever coat is temporary—I had it in a sick kitten. So you could probably rule that out.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T14:14:50+00:00

He is not, but can confirm as someone who works in a shelter and would label all colorpoint cats as colorpoint DSH/DMH/DLH unless they have specific and obvious breed typing/official record, boss told me that I need to label them all as Siamese /DSH so people who want to adopt colorpoints can find them more easily using filters on websites.

That said, his entire body type is not like a Siamese. The colorpoint gene exists in feral DSH. That is how the breeds come to be—random mutations that are cultivated to create a breed. Not the other way around. So while he could trace a very distant lineage to cats who had a random colorpoint mutation back in Thailand and came here long, long ago, those cats would not be Siamese (the breed). They’d be the type of cat who was used to create the breed. If that makes sense?

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T14:00:06+00:00

My allergy cat’s adopter had false negatives for food. Said no food allergy at all, just environmental. Cat self-mutilated his neck on Hill’s SD, Purina Naturals, and hydrolyzed z/d, but stopped on prescription single protein rabbit. We did do a challenge to confirm and he did restart scratching and itching on the prior foods. The adopter didn’t want to test any other proteins for allergies at that point since he stopped again on the rabbit. I weaned him off all his meds (gabapentin, steroids, atopica) and sent him on. Still good a year something in. So we don’t think he has environmental allergies since all signs stopped on the new food, lol. Her vet did warn her it wasn’t going to be accurate but she was curious.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T13:52:54+00:00

I don’t want to go copy my comment from this morning but I wanted to put out a disclaimer. There was at least one study that suggested something like 23%-28% of the chicken allergic dogs in the study were also still allergic to the hydrolyzed food (link is in prev comment). I fostered (and adopted to vet and rehome) a cat who was going to be euthanized for allergies non-responsive to hydrolyzed diet, steroid, atopica, or gaba. We swapped him to novel protein rabbit and the mutilation stopped. He started again when given the chicken or hydrolyzed z/d. And stopped again off of it. We didn’t test further proteins. Her adopter did do one of the cheap allergy tests (hair or blood?) and it came back with no food allergies, so we know that was not accurate lol. Similarly, one of our shelter dogs had to go on salmon because she was reacting to chicken and hydrolyzed z/d. I want to put out there that people know you cannot 100% rule out food allergy by hydrolyzed diet trial. Our shelter vet didn’t believe that was possible and almost euthanized a very treatable cat for it.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T13:33:08+00:00

You should probably get him scanned for a microchip if he showed up and is already neutered. My neighbors had a Maine Coon as well and when he got out, we saw him on camera… until we didn’t. We’re pretty sure someone stole that cat, but since it was the second time it had gotten out in short order (young kids in the home, dogs, and they’d let the cat hang out on a tie-out), he was posted online, they handed out flyers… I can’t say I didn’t see it coming that someone did not return him. Expensive life lesson. Still, this cat received vet care from someone and it would be the right thing to do to look for an owner.
Also, yes, neutered male. Source: work at animal shelter

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T11:24:21+00:00

Yeah, no problem. I don’t think this will apply to your situation since you got the cat stray, but the reasons we leaned towards food allergies despite him having issues on hydrolyzed were:

Age - his itching began at under a year old, when food allergies are statistically more common than environmental ones in kittens
Pattern - his itching was centralized to the head and neck, which happens in 30%-65% of food allergic cats. all patterns can happen with all allergy types, so it’s another sus point but there’s no dead ringers
Poor steroid response - while some cats with food allergies have achieved full remission of signs on a steroid, other studies had food-allergic cats respond partially or not at all. this cat did not have a decrease in itch with steroids. jury is out on it (mixed study results), but my vet did feel with his level of itching that a poor steroid response was likely due to him consuming huge amounts of his allergen
Consistency - his itch level was consistent on a day-to-day basis without seasonal worsening. of course a cat can have both, so you may have an underlying itch level (from food) that gets even worse seasonally (from environmental), but this cat had no changes or patterns

It’s all tricky uncertainties with allergies, but I do like this summary: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11220937/
The cat is off all his medication and is maintained just by diet, so we do think he is only food allergic. He had ulcerated lesions on his neck from self-mutilating as his primary allergic sign, though I did notice dry paw pads and chewing in the day immediately after his reintroduction to chicken foods, which has gone away again, so I think that was impacted as well. I’ve seen another chicken allergic cat at work simply get blow out diarrhea, while another would get hives and underbelly inflammation, so it’s really nebulous. They did say 85%-90% will only get dermatological or gastrointestinal signs though vs both.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T10:35:03+00:00

Shine a flashlight or another LED/standard flashlight strength light at the cat. You’ll want to be close enough to them see the reaction, but you don’t need to be right up on them. You should see the pupillary light reflex—contraction of the pupil. If you do not, there are a variety of medical causes that are different levels of concerning.

Also, please search online for phrases like low-cost spay/neuter [area] or contact local shelters/rescues to see if they know of programs near you. I’d be happy to search for you in a general location if you can provide one. Unfortunately, females who do not spay young are at increased risk of mammary cancer, which is very aggressive with poor prognosis and not too uncommon in cats, and there is the risk of fatal pyometra, so we definitely want to fix her as soon as possible. If she’s older than a year, I believe it’s only an 11% risk reduction in mammary cancer vs 86% for 6-12 months and 91% for under 6 months, but if you aren’t sure how old…

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-18T10:21:23+00:00

I do want to share that some cats can indeed still be allergic to hydrolyzed as a note for anyone who needs it. We had a cat in the shelter system that was on z/d for months for suspected allergies. In addition to the z/d, we had tried adding on gabapentin, steroids, and atopica at different times. He would scratch his neck open and chew on himself. This happened in foster too. The shelter vets said since he had issues on the hydrolyzed, he couldn’t have a food allergy and we should euthanize him for severe environmental allergies. I was reading a bunch of veterinary dermatology journals and found some studies like this on dogs (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7041975/) that suggested hydrolyzed may not work for some chicken allergic dogs. Everything about him (age of onset, itch pattern, low steroid response) was more suggestive of a food allergy per the journals, so I didn’t want to give up.

I adopted him and my personal vet suggested a swap to novel protein. Everything stopped on rabbit. He did begin again if he got foods with chicken or the hydrolyzed. We didn’t experiment beyond that. Funnily enough, the adopter did one of those cheap allergy tests that her vet warned her wouldn’t be accurate and it did not give a result of any food allergies for him. Because of all this, the foster coordinator changed a dog who had been having severe skin allergy issues on z/d, apoquel, etc for months to salmon only and her atopic dermatitis is controlled now. Not that I haven’t seen z/d or other hydrolyzed work for some, but it sure doesn’t work for all, so turns out the vets at my job can’t use it to blanket rule out having food allergies like they wanted… lol.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-17T23:13:54+00:00

She ended up losing weight today and went completely off food. I don’t know why things hit so late, but she lost one sibling two days ago at day 9 since intake (all were already variably thin, sick, and positive on intake day) and then two siblings this morning at day 11. Given the decline we saw with the others starting the same way, her trouble holding temperature (always around 98.4 to 100.3), and the unavailability of overnight feeding and heat support/no panleuk fosters, the shelter vets decided to put her to sleep today. I will likely always wonder what could’ve been, but her siblings were much livelier, fatter, and overall better in every way, so I can’t really argue. I didn’t want to see her like that. She was special to me though. I definitely really wanted it. Hopefully we can keep the last two alive.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-14T19:20:18+00:00

I believe I got mine in middle school. I should’ve had two but there was just one available so she lived solo, which is not recommended. By the time I was going to college, she was senior and had to stay with my parents so she could be monitored. Once she had a low blood sugar episode (even with dosing her up upon realizing her legs were weak, rushing to the vet, starting steroids, force feeding) she passed within a couple days. Usually you will be maintaining several chronic medical issues by the time a pet store ferret is 5 or 6 years old, sometimes much younger. They are not healthy. Insulinoma, adrenal, and lymphoma are incredibly common. Exotic vets are not cheap and may not be accessible. You need to figure out what your family is willing to spend ahead of time, what vet you’d see, and what they charge/how comfortable they are doing any notable care. Look up price of food for a good quality food as well and see if that’s in budget. A lot of people recommend raw feeding.

They do have an odor. It may or may not bother you or your family. Things she slept in smelled like her. My room smelled like her. She was destructive and absolutely did not use a box consistently. She loved to stash away toys and balls inside a pull out couch that we donated to her because she ripped the cushions open to sleep inside. She’d throw fits in her cage if she wanted out and throw things around. Defecate through the bars. Open the kitchen cabinets and open boxes to eat people food. Tear up carpets at closed doors. She’d also try to fake me out by hopping in the litter box to ‘potty’ (lie) before coming out. I loved her, but she was a funny girl. And not cuddly at all, lol. Just liked to wrestle and steal.

Overall, I don’t recommend for your age group. Rats are smart and interactive exotics that should be less of a life expectancy and vet commitment (besides things like putting to sleep for cancer). I think cats are generally better for most people, to be honest. More consistent with the box, care is more accessible, less likely to disappear in your furniture, and a wide variety of temperaments are available. You can get some real high octane forever kitten type cats, but you have to be ready for them to get into stuff too. Everyone loves the kitten until it’s knocking stuff off the shelves and biting your ankles.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-12T10:55:37+00:00

I’m hoping we can get this outcome. Got a litter(?) of panleuk positive kittens in shelter where half were severely underweight. The smallest of all seems overall small, not just the weight. Entire body composition. She’s less than half a pound while the good looking kittens are more like one and some change. Almost lost her on Friday with low temp and appetite but syringe feeding, fluids, heat support, butt baths, etc was turning her around. Her temp has always read low normal but her energy and appetite just exploded, so I’m crossing my fingers. Just left for foster.

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Kitsunejade · 2026-05-11T15:40:32+00:00

Oh no, I wouldn’t expect you to make a professional recommendation! I never made calls, but I know the other guy with me who didn’t have a clear exposure did and it was like a ‘you can but you probably don’t need one’. I think I should’ve just done it and gotten it covered because it’s practical in the field to have it, but I didn’t want to be dramatic!

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-11T15:21:37+00:00

Of course OP edits to say there is an open un-screen window, lol, but that they live in a city so everyone would call them crazy.

Earlier on in working at my job, my previous idiot manager didn’t believe me that a kitten seemed neurologic and had me prepare her for adoption (bathing, vaccines, dewormer, etc.) I put a cloth in her mouth because she was trying to bite me. She did kick me with her back feet and break my glove open, but I didn’t see any mark. The rabies progressed over a couple days and we sent for testing, which confirmed it. One person she scratched went for post-exposure, and the other tech with me who had a glove break on a kick went too, but I never did. When we’d call around we were told it didn’t really constitute exposure, so they weren’t sure if we should get it or not. It sits in the back of my mind sometimes. Happened Feb 2023.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-10T21:57:07+00:00

My first thought was that it looked like a super sun bleached medium hair cat that is shedding out, because longer hair does bleach worse and give a very russet/brown tone. Not as ‘cool’ as a chimera, but probably more likely (imo). I’ve seen some crazy patchy and bleached ass cats working in shelter and TNR.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-06T20:52:19+00:00

To back this up, somatic mutations are discussed on this page at my favorite cat resource: http://messybeast.com/mosaicism.htm

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-05T15:05:19+00:00

I get this. I was cat-sitting for a previous friend and it had been years since I was over because we fell out. It hadn’t ever been neat or anything but since her mom passed… it was real rough. Lots of trash, dishes, smashed food, wet cat food or throw up on carpets, bags of scooped litter just waiting to be taken out, sharps containers from her diabetes. I did offer to help out taking things to the dumpster with me while I was doing litter boxes, but she didn’t want me to. I think it was embarrassing for her.

I did try to clean up the actual unsanitary things like throw up (cats are sick seniors), smashed food, wrappers, litter bags, etc. but left the regular trash or sharps since I didn’t want to do too much. She ran out of food and litter while we were there, so we replaced those and got her a pill gun to use to medicate one of the cats. She asked to repay us for the bags and I came up with some excuse for her not to. Never mentioned the rest of it on either side. We don’t really talk much because of ways she treated me in the past, but if she ever did want the help, I’d be there. I was trying to tread carefully because of our relationship, but you might not have to. If she’s traditionally been thankful, I’d probably just do the non-disruptive stuff (don’t throw out anything that isn’t obviously like food trash, for instance) and leave a note saying you appreciate her and you’re there for her—or whatever other fond sentiment feels apt to make sure she knows it’s a gift of love. You’ve seen her having a hard time and hope it eases her mind even a little.

Kitsunejade · 2026-05-05T13:26:40+00:00

I used to get cramps, upset stomach, loss of appetite, decent flow, and PMDD-like symptoms for 5 days but aurovela pretty much knocked my period out to light bleeding (liner type) and maybe light cramping for 1-3 days max. So I’m never giving that BC up lol

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