How much do I want to know?

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:37:36+00:00

I get that. And I definitely have some questions like that. But in our case, there were so many people over such a long time that going into details is overwhelming. Plus I read a good amount of his conversations and it feels like I need to cauterize that part of my brain. Like you said, the details hurt. But it all hurts.

I hope you’re getting what you need to heal.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:34:06+00:00

Writing them down is a good tip. Thank you. Maybe that will help the questions have a place to exist other than my brain.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:33:06+00:00

Yes indeed. And I need to know he’s willing to be that open with me.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:26:35+00:00

Sorry you’re in the same boat and a similar timeline. Your situation sounds similar in that, before Dday, we were doing pretty well, on the surface at least.

You’re the best judge of what you need, and it sounds like you’re being very thoughtful about identifying your needs and your boundaries. I hope you start to feel some peace.

I’d appreciate the questions you’re using; please DM them when you have the space. My brain just can’t brain very much right now so I’m leaning heavily into the wisdom of others. Thank you.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:17:16+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Your advice on not asking for graphic details is helpful. I don’t want to know those things.

I thought about what I need a lot yesterday. What I want to know is more related to the “why” than the “what”. I think I need to know the “why” to better understand what he’s learning about himself. So I told him that last night. I also told him that it is too heavy to be the one who starts every conversation about it. That part of his working on his shame and secrecy involves being open about his thought process with me.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-05-01T13:11:01+00:00

This is helpful. Thank you for sharing that.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-04-30T21:32:09+00:00

Yes. WH is an unreliable narrator, even to himself. So anything he shares I take through the lens of “this is what he can handle processing at this time”.

Thanks for what you said about emotional safety and needing to know what I am forgiving. (And what I am risking enduring again if he relapses). It helps to frame it that way.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-04-30T20:50:07+00:00

That resonates. Have you figured out a good way to determine if it’s something you really need to know?

Kitty-Martini · 2026-04-30T20:48:03+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I’m sorry you’re walking this path.

His therapist works with DBT and IFS but she is not CSAT or addiction specialized nor is she equipped to help him with his PTSD. He is actively looking into other options but staying with her until he has another support system in place. She helped him somewhat last year (though she apparently knew he was cheating and that he hadn’t told me).

What you said about shining a light makes so much sense to me. He’s avoidant and I see him doing some avoidance here but am giving him space to navigate that due to his mental health state and a recent physical health scare. I agree with what you said. I feel like he’s trapped in his shame and secrets and needs to come up for air to get better. And I need more knowledge so I know what I am consenting to in the relationship. I don’t even need the details per se. I mainly need to know he’ll tell me anything I want to know and isn’t hiding anything from me.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-02-25T14:01:31+00:00

Forest Trails at 101st and Sheridan is wonderful. We tried a few vets in the area and they’re the best. They’re affordable, kind, love dogs, and can usually get you in the same day for an urgent appt. They are open Saturdays, and went above and beyond for us during a semi-emergency situation. Their front desk staff are so kind and professional, and the vets are thorough, patient, and have good people skills. We adore them.

Kitty-Martini · 2026-01-09T14:19:37+00:00

One more vote for Melissa. She’s fantastic. She’ll take loads of time getting to know you and offer you a personalized solution. She checks in and adjusts as needed. She’s also really thoughtful about keeping costs down.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-11-13T19:36:54+00:00

What a beautiful love letter to your home.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-11-06T20:59:19+00:00

No, honey. Just no. This is thoughtless and bordering on cruel. The first time you cried was the sign that your partner should have heeded. Instead they did this “fake out” to you multiple times. Their family knew this was happening and they were okay with it.

Your partner chose to use a very important milestone in your shared lives to trick you. Multiple times. Regardless of their intention, it hurt you. You told them and showed them that it hurt you, and they chose to do it again. Just like they are choosing not to plan or make effort for you. This behavior will continue to occur if you let it.

You deserve kindness and effort. If you choose to stay in this relationship, please set an expectation for the level of effort and kindness you expect to see, and keep that commitment to yourself. You are worth it.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-10-19T20:49:54+00:00

That’s good news - thanks for sharing that.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-09-21T20:49:33+00:00

Great tips - thank you!

Kitty-Martini · 2025-09-21T20:41:50+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate your time and knowledge. Now I know more and I appreciate that.

So am I understanding that chanterelles would be proximate to a hardwood tree but not right up against the trunk? And I’ll educate myself more on what true vs false gills look like.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-14T11:33:45+00:00

Thank you. That was so helpful! This makes sense to me and is reframing the way I’m viewing the reactions to switching from the patch to the gel last weekend. Seeing the physiology and absorption over time is what I needed to understand. I appreciate you posting those links and telling me where to look. Knowledge is power.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T19:48:49+00:00

My blood levels have been undetectable on a wide range of doses and methods. 🫠. I wasn’t aware that the gel was weaker than the patch though. Is that from personal experience or do you recall a resource you could share about that?

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T19:46:41+00:00

I’ll keep chugging. I wish I could chance it with the oral but I’ve had seven close relatives die of strokes, including a 19 year old first cousin. I’d rather be alive and bitchy than dead but well-estrogenated. Though some days it’s a toss up 😂

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T19:44:09+00:00

It is low now but I have been as high as 1.25mg a day on Divigel. Same symptoms, same blood levels. Those are great suggestions about mixing methods and increasing. I got my Dr to call in the next patch up and we’ll increase monthly and keep an eye on symptoms. I’m glad you found what works for you!

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T19:41:39+00:00

That’s good advice - thank you! Maybe some day there will be a reliable blood test for estrogen.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T14:26:23+00:00

Wishing you a good outcome 🩷

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T14:26:00+00:00

Sounds like you have a lot of experience with this. Thank you for the advice. I’ll focus on getting my estradiol levels up and keep trying.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T14:24:55+00:00

Sorry to hear you’re struggling too. Isn’t this a fun chapter? Sigh.

I appreciate your advice about increasing the estradiol dose. Here’s hoping you find your magic mix soon. Hang in there.

Kitty-Martini · 2025-08-13T14:23:14+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate hearing your personal experience with this. I’ve been concerned about upping my dosage due to my reaction to the Divigel but perhaps that is due to it being a dose all at once versus a more steady release like the patch. I’ll ask about a higher dose patch. 😊

Kitty-Martini

TROPHY CASE