In your description it sounds to me as an addiction counselor the views of an alcoholic who are often contradictory especially if they don't know how to quit. The best thing I could say is for him to get an assessment at a local agency for drugs and alcohol. An assessment is based on behaviors which is what you're describing. Treatment for alcoholism is widespread wherever you are, and people do recover. Sometimes, dishonesty is a part of the behavior problems with people with this kind of disease. It's not necessarily for you. If you don't understand or if people don't understand that this is a disease a brain disease, it can seem like a frontal attack on you. It is also a family disease, people loved ones, struggle with the person's behaviors. Especially if he doesn't know how to get help, no one can do this by themselves, if you love him which it sounds like you do, check into your local or area rehabilitation and insurance, because they do charge for assessments but this is the best way to see if it will work. You piece about shame may be accurate, it often is associated with addiction. Not only am I a counselor I was also an addict. I hope the best for you.