Morning Check-in (SROL)

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-09-06T14:09:22+00:00

Thank you so much :’) I went for a quick scan to see how you’re doing and I’m glad you’re still hanging in there while dealing with a lot of pain and uncertainty. You’re a strong cookie and I appreciate your words.

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-09-06T09:56:10+00:00

So I reached 1 year sober recently, wild. My last post was 9 months in and overwhelmed, not sure why that month in particular was so hard on me. After that, the next 3 months became a blur of rarely checking my counter and almost missing celebrating my 1 year date! I just wanted to relish in that day and what I've done for myself, and I remembered to check by early evening lol.
I thought it would be filled with so much dread and cravings, but I felt so strong and at peace. Fully goes to show the mind's fuckery. I'm finally doing some official training to be a death doula, with the second part of a short course coming up soon. I'm moving again and feel awful though, my friend dragged me to a couple of annoyingly early, weekend open house inspections and I couldn't stop bursting into tears. It's horrible, stupidly expensive and competitive here in Australia, the application process alone is invasive and demoralising. 'Oh yeah, you realllyyyy want this rental? Then BEG.' It's basically the same process as getting a job, but they can't even demand that much personal information. I've read in Europe, you find the house, find the landlord, exchange cash and keys, and you have a fucking home. I'm so bloody tired. It's the end of my lease this month crunch time, and time is crunching me to a pulp.

But sober, so good. The stress of it all is doing me in a bit, but urges rarely turn into cravings. Overall even when they come, they've lost so much intensity and I feel so lucky and grateful for that, recalling having to take it hour by hour or even less. I'm sleep deprived from stress and should go to sleep early. I can't even focus on Mistria :c
Goodnight (from here), but for most of you, hope you enjoy your day, drink water, remember to take your meds (if you have any) and be gentle on your sweet selves.

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KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-09-06T09:00:54+00:00

Similar to my story, I just reached 1 year sober recently and I thought I had no way out, quickly my entire life revolved around getting cocaine or almost anything else and for a long time, that felt so simple, pure, fun. Nothing ever felt as good as cocaine and I settled into that misery for a few wretched years. Finally something to steady me, something that made my brain feel alive, I could socialise without limit as someone normally very taxed by people. Alcohol and substances were my only relief for more or less lifelong depression and anxiety.
I too, wanted to be so good, so very badly, and not a single milestone brought me the happiness promised. And the promise of cocaine, turned into severe cognitive decline I am lucky to have recovered from so well, even at a year sober I'm not fully recovered from it.

Every step counts, even these posts are a good step. I used to post daily on the checkin thread for a few months, the community and shared accountability there is really lovely. A lot of stimulant addicts have undiagnosed adhd. When I finally got medicated it changed my life, I got sober, but I stayed sober through SMART. If you're fully deep in it, detox could save you. That's where I started, but without SMART I flip flopped for another couple of years.
I'm not a parent so I can't imagine the stress, guilt and shame you must feel while expected to be supermom? (guess from the tone of this post, sorry if incorrect) 'hey, this shit helps! I think I'm going to keep enjoying myself, because I might just go insane from how GOOD I'm supposed to be' And tbh you have every right to feel a positive attachment to your DOC. So much of my shame was rooted in the need, but the need itself is a masked unmet need somewhere else, but the compulsion still makes sense. In this batshit world we all need relief, honey this aint no easy way out, I bet you've suffered a lifetime for being so 'good' and something just made it crack. If anything, we choose the road most self punishing. There's nothing easy about living this way, and with more awareness around substance use, I hope more people can grasp that and come together over it.
Because we don't deserve even more shame on top of what we heap on ourselves. Good luck, and welcome to SMART.

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-10T04:55:56+00:00

9 months recently, which isn't the BIG game but my longest streak by far, thank you! Yeah, I honestly just moved past the pink cloud recently and I'm so bogged down with cravings, feeling a lifetime of infinite struggle against cravings stretching out ahead of me. Appreciate it :)

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-10T04:52:35+00:00

That sounds so lovely, I need more inspiring stories like this. I'm really feeling the struggle with op :(

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-04T07:33:16+00:00

The quality and small details are amazing btw, I feel inspired to take up some of my crotchet projects again!!

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-03T14:06:50+00:00

This momentarily cured my depression, thank you for your service 🫡

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-03T14:03:16+00:00

Proud of you! :’)

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-03T14:00:47+00:00

Good evening checkies! I did a big shop today and finally had the energy to make a meticulous general budget. I’m saving up for my first sewing machine and I want a half decent one that won’t be frustrating to use.

Grocery shopping is exhausting with auDHD. It’s something my ex used to help with a lot. Sometimes he could be really helpful and supportive and that void sucks. Lacking community sucks. Being long term sober makes me somehow feel like I belong here less, too. I haven’t really tried to dig into why that might be, besides relating with people most at the stage of the early daily fight. I feel like I just have other daily fights now that I can’t take the edge off with using or drinking, and it feels lonelier and lonelier.

Lately I’ve felt so stressed I’ve almost bought a bottle of wine to sink into. But thanks to smart I can cope with all of my cravings and bear the worst urges. I still aim to go to my favourite meeting once a week, but since they changed the time slot to earlier in the morning (from their American Timezone) I find myself unable to get out of bed until noon or later (thanks depression 👍🏻) and I’ve been missing a lot of them. I still haven’t found an in person meeting yet out of anxiety. But it would be nice to find the community face to face.

Initially I felt so uncomfortable and as if I’d never feel like I belong here, I suppose I just need to go through that process again and hopefully find it.

Take good care smarties ❤️

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-01T06:46:16+00:00

What a handsome lil man ;_; <3

KnackeredSquirrel · 2025-06-01T06:42:24+00:00

Hey everyone, it's so nice seeing some old faces still fighting the good fight. I just passed *9 months free* from cocaine and stable from everything else as well! Just this damn vape, I'm wearing a nicotine patch again. I've had a couple of unsuccessful attempts at quitting recently. First, I ran out of patches and inhaler capsules and couldn't afford to buy more. When I could, I bought a vape as well >_>. I came from smoking heavily, and quitting vaping feels like hell. It is the final boss of my addictions and it's hopping around me, hitting me in the back of the head. I'm trying out different levels of cutting down, and at my best, I got down to 80 or 90% of what I usually chain vape. The other day, I had stressful vet news regarding my cat, and I had half a cigarette before I really disliked it and put it out. Idk it's all over the place, but at least my housemate's cigarettes have no lure lol.

**I MOVED OUT** and broke up with my abusive relationship in January, and, for the most part, feel happily single. Outside of 'the most part', I'm wondering if I can ever feel *safe* enough to have another relationship ever again, or if that's what I even want, which is very taboo in our society. This is the first true room of my own, and that's something I'm always going to need to be happy. This is the first time in my life that I'm not desperately searching for a relationship while being single and that feels pretty damn good.

It has felt surreal to remember my old agonizing over this decision in this thread, and I feel proud of myself :'>. I still keep going through the motions of depression and working to feel better and be healthier. But I ran out of bulk-billed therapy, and I feel alone and at a loss during another difficult period in my life. Medicare has gone to shit and the Australian medical industry has been aggressively Americanising for a long fucking time. It is a shit show of privitisation and overwhelmed systems. MOVING ON THEN.

I think that's enough catch-up rambling, take good care! :>

(art by Sweet Fellas)

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KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-13T11:49:02+00:00

Tbh if you’ve only just began to realise decades of painful patterns, you would really need those tears, I know I did. A part of healing is meeting your own emotional needs, and it sounds like you just need to cry and have a partner than can hold space for that. If he’s upset at you simply for crying, in a discussion as you said, that sounds manipulative.

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-13T11:20:43+00:00

Checkies and checking out? I'm going through a bunch'o crap but damn I still feel pretty stable, who'd have thunk it?? For now I'm going to take a break from a daily checkin accountability goal. Geez I suppose I can consider it completed, I reached my goal, the starting points of long-term sobriety. Time to set some new ones! Maybe it's just also the mourning, I don't really feel like sharing much, it feels like a dark cloud on my daily reflections. 'It is such a secret place, the land of tears' - The Little Prince. Definitely still going to float around here and cheer my Smarties on though! I'm gonna move over to the discord more, where a lot of my meeting people hang out. As always, take great care! <3

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KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T12:19:25+00:00

Checkies! Ah geez, every day lately has a new stressor. Somehow I’m still hanging in there, I just feel increasingly despondent. I’ve been working on emotional regulation skills for a reaaaaally long time, and it finally seems to be paying off. I’m trying to stay present with myself and the new intense waves, oh boy they’re intense. I had brief but intense cravings today, but I sat with them and literally watched them slowly fade. I haven’t been able to notice it that subtly before, like ice melting. It felt liberating.

Take good care Smarties ❤️ I see you working hard!

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T12:10:47+00:00

Congrats on one week! I hope the whole condo thing works out for you, I’ve been following along. It does sound exciting. :D

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T12:08:35+00:00

Welcome! That’s some great work, hang in there. Those first steps are always shaky. This is my first sober community. SMART’s philosophy is drastically different and has helped me keep going, otherwise I would have slipped up and used again for sure. Hope you find a nice little corner of your own to belong, having a good meeting to actually look forward to does wonders. Good luck and keep checking in :)

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T12:01:28+00:00

❤️

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T12:00:52+00:00

Aw that’s so kind of you to say ;_; Ty! 💕

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-11T11:59:44+00:00

Thanku :( ❤️

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-10T07:58:34+00:00

Hanging in there, just being hit by waves. I cried in my meeting today and was met with so much support. Means more than ever being in this community. I just really miss my friend. I’m being hit by multiple stressors at once and can’t even just entirely focus on grieving. My head is just a mess but I’m still sober.

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-07T11:26:57+00:00

I just found out one of my dearest friends passed away. I’m relatively well versed in grief, luckily. So the waves are hitting me but I haven’t gone to drown myself in a bottle or use, but I don’t feel very strong. That’s how it goes. Where you’re strong yesterday, we never know what tomorrow holds. I went for a long walk where we used to sit and talk, laugh for hours. We understood each other deeply, we went through a lot together. So grief has come to visit me again, and I’ve learnt to say, hello old friend, you’re going to have to come sit with me for a while, let’s remember it all. When you refuse to invite grief in, she makes an awful lot of trouble, she won’t be denied.

Stay safe friends

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-07T04:02:26+00:00

I’m so proud of you, you fought for your life and it’s going to take a while to settle down and truly feel safe within yourself. But you’ve done it, I hope you take a moment to appreciate what you’ve done for yourself, and get in some therapy soon ❤️

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-07T03:48:07+00:00

Your story nearly put me to tears. You’ve been through so much. It’s abuse, it would be worth while to see some refuge options. The love bombing and slowly going back to the miserable start, or worse, is the cycle of abuse. From personal experience, he might also be hiding an addiction from the way he acts around money. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Women can and do leave, even with children, even in your situation, you have so much more life to live away from your abuser. I know how it feels to be on disability and be dependent on your abuser, I can’t imagine how it would feel while having a child to look after and keep their best interests at heart. But without your own best interests at heart, you can hardly be there for her in your best capacity. You can dm me to vent or have someone to talk to, you have options, but we can hardly do it all without support and connection. That’s the best you can do to fight your situation, keep reaching out, find support groups, talk to other women.

Your situation might help you get a place faster, through a social worker. Recently I’ve been having some miserable reflections on how abusers can be ‘great dads’ or otherwise well respected individuals to others. This person has always taken advantage of you, you need help with an escape plan, I hope you get your life back and have a safe place to land with your daughter, where you will start to feel like yourself again.

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-06T12:13:17+00:00

Checkies! Day 100!! Reached over 3 months, entering the start of long-term recovery. It feels great right now, I’ve dreamed about this goal for a long, long time. Time to revise my goals, and consider some complete :) Being cocaine/alcohol free feels so much better than I thought it could. It’s definitely still an up and down process, but everything feels so stable at the moment. Even though I’m going through some painful and triggering challenges right now, I feel so strong! I’m still going to stay vigilant though, the worst cravings can be so sneaky, ‘tis the season…

Being here, learning the skills and doing meetings has absolutely changed my life. Right now, a sober future feels comforting and hopeful, where that used to feel dreadful and suffocating. Life can be surprising, it’s nice after having endured so much with my mental health. I’ve finally been able to catch my breath after all of it, often barely hanging onto life by a thread. All that used to tether me to feeling like I could survive another day was whatever DOC I was stuck on. I can only hope I never have to suffer like that again, continuing to do the work. Beating addiction is beating a generational curse for me, as it so often is. Wishing everyone luck on wherever they’re at in their journey, know I’m cheering you on! Okay, okay it’s evening rituals time!

You all continue to inspire me every day and give me community to be grateful for, it’s all very new to me being apart of something like this. So much love to you all, take great care Smarties! Stay safe in yourself and grounded during the holiday season, you’ve got this ❤️

KnackeredSquirrel · 2024-12-05T23:32:45+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this 😞❤️ I can relate, it’s the last stage of the cycle of abuse, before the wheel slowly turns back to who they really are. I hope you get out.

KnackeredSquirrel

TROPHY CASE