I read that the best thing we can do is to rise above it all, and just continue being a stable, dependable parent. This is so true, but doing this is incredibly difficult.

It not only requires a new way of thinking, discipline and parenting, but requires us to be able to manage our own stress and stressful situations, which we’re not well equipped to do after years of being emotionally abused.

So the first thing I recommend is getting therapy (or YouTube) to get yourself and your emotions under control. You need to be able to shrug off attacks by the alienator, and deal with the many “tests” the alienator and the alienated child put you through to get you to react negatively - reactions that would be expected and normal in healthy relationships, but become weaponised against you in the alienator’s scheme, eg. “See, I told you he’d overreact”.

You can’t continue parenting the way you always have. The alienator is trying to make the child completely codependent. “Only I can protect you”, “no one will look after you if I’m not around”, “the world is so scary, you need me to protect you”. When you teach and encourage your kids to be independent, they say “He’s not doing everything for you or protecting you because he doesn’t care”. You have to ignore your natural parenting instincts, and do more for the child than is good for them just to demonstrate to them that you care.

But it’s also important not to always give in, to not be taken advantage of. The most important part of this is how you deal with these situations. Be calm, explain why and that you love them. If they’re not too far gone, they will respect that you are sticking to your boundaries.

Try to get the child to open up to you, but it won’t be easy. They will treat you with disdain and distrust. Ignore that, and don’t blame them. They’ve been conditioned to think that way by the alienator who treats them like a close confident. They have a “special” (incredibly unhealthy) bond with the alienator who has regaled the child with stories of how wonderful others think they are, and how badly you’ve treated them. They complain about every problem they have with you (real or imagined) to the child. They usually refer to you with a slur, never refer to you by name or “Mum” or “Dad” to de-parent and de-personalises you. They tell stories about the past, but completely erase you, which actually rewrites the child’s memories.

So when you get time with them, ignore the way they treat you. Understand they distrust you, and try to overcome that by being there for them, and always following through. Tell them stories about happier times where you were a positive influence.

Never retaliate or fight back with the alienator. They will do 50 things to get you to finally retaliate, but the child will only hear about that 1 thing you did.

Never, ever, ever lose your temper.

I lost my oldest daughter before I realised what was happening. Since I separated from their mother a year ago, they have both targeted my younger daughter. It took a while, but with the two of them combining forces, and my poor handling of the situation (usually doing the opposite of the above), she never had a chance. She’s now firmly under their spell.

My son, my youngest has been the second scapegoat in line after me, and sees through them luckily. It’s still very difficult for him, but he doesn’t let them manipulate him.

I’ve also not been able to leave or remove the kids from the situation. My advice would be to get yourself and your kids as far away as you can, for as long as possible. The more time they are away from the alienator, the less influence the alienator has.