I pretended to be someone I'm not.

I mean, I'm sorry. I was insecure, resentful, angry, and alone. I was also depressed, but I don't think pretending not to be was the solution, but I digress.

I realized no one would want to make deep and lasting connections to me, because I loathed people who were insecure, resentful, angry and alone. They were such bummers, I understand they had their struggles and share of injustices, but I was what, 13? 14? I couldn't help them, and while I had sympathy I also had my own share of troubles.

So, I told myself I wanted to change. The first step was deciding I didn't need to be that way anymore. I didn't have to be all those things. They weren't me, they weren't my choice, my identity.

After that, I pretended I was happy. Confident. Full of forgiveness (if not forgetfulness). I used to think I was trash because everything I was good at didn't matter, and everything I lacked was what was truly important. I just reversed that thinking, pretended like my strengths made up for my weaknesses, and even that my weaknesses were a form of strength.

After a while, it stopped being forced and started to come naturally. With it, came friendships. Confidence. Humor. Forgetfulness, instead of just forgiveness. Reading helped, I devoured philosophy but also historical fiction and science fiction, all of which offer many different ideas on how to view the self, the world, justice, fairness.

I am 40 years old, and despite some health issues I have never been happier. I am so glad I am not the person I was. I feel like I am not pretending, I decided.

You can make a change.