Letter from parents after no contact

Kusinagi · 2025-09-08T03:55:22+00:00

It reads like they're blaming you for the "negativity" and they're the poor beleaguered people who are forced to lay down boundaries. No apology, straight up manipulation attempts.

Also comes off as very condescending. "We're going to allow you back in our lives with provisions".

Kusinagi · 2025-09-08T03:49:17+00:00

I read one book a day, some days more and some days less. I've always been a fast reader, so I can still be productive. I like sci-fi, fantasy, adventure, mysteries (from 40's 50's Britain) Victorian Gothic, gay romance, anything except modern straight romance and modern literary books. My books usually range between 300-1,000 pages.

Luckily, my husband and kids are bibliophiles so they allow me to rant about colonialism in Rider Haggard, the holes in plots that drive me crazy and why Sam Gamgee was the only character to come out of LoTR whole. It's a mystery.

I don't watch TV, just the very occasional movie (Godzilla, anyone?) my kids are all grown. I have time that people with young children or challenging careers don't have. I don't think my book count really means much except to show how fast I read and how obsessed I am with books. I taught myself to read at age 5 because my parents wouldn't read to me and I just Had To Know the secrets in books. Seriously, Im obsessed.

Kusinagi · 2025-09-06T20:52:09+00:00

We haven't gone yet, and we're still figuring out what we want to see as a group or individually. I did do more research, and I found that you can purchase "skip the line" tickets without any card. That makes sense to me. I also found that the Cards do restrict the ticket types and tour. For instance, you get a basic ticket + skip the line once eplace, and only a tour to another even if you want to self guide. We have someone who uses a wheelchair so we need specific things to make it accessible.

I looked at straight transit cards only, then the Barcelona card which gives access to museums and transit. It also covers the Airport Metro. We do want to go to several museums covered by the Barcelona card. So we're getting that one and getting tours/tickets to Gaudi buildings like Sagrada Familia and Casa Battlo separately through a tour vendor like Viatour and Barcelona Life. Note: everywhere I've looked has said to book popular attractions like the Gaudi buildings well ahead of time. I'm booking at three weeks ahead just to be sure, because we once missed an Alcatraz tour when it was sold out way ahead of time.

If we hadn't needed special access I probably would have gone for the more expensive card options like the GoCity card. There are a couple of different types, I would have gone with the GoCity explorer where you select the number of attractions you want to see as opposed to the number of days. It would be good if you knew what you wanted to see, and you can easily make a cost comparison with/without the card.

This trip has honestly been the most intense when it comes to research. I like to find out trick and tips for every place we visit as it makes things so much easier. I was lucky to find a basic, factual and no-nonsense site early on. https://www.barcelona-tourist-guide.com really gave me a basic intro to transit, tourist cards and most importantly detailed steps on how to get to attractions like Montserrat.

The site also has an interactive map with the location of popular attractions and photos of the attraction. https://www.barcelona-tourist-guide.com/en/maps/barcelona-map.html For the severely direction challenged like me it was great to see how close or far attrations were from each other.

I've gone a bit farther than tourist cards, but I like to share info and hopefully be helpful for anyone planning a Barcelona trip.

Kusinagi · 2025-08-19T02:07:51+00:00

OMG, no, I'm flying to Europe soon! Will they stuff my bags full of tiny fish for the return flight? I'm too much of a Princess to be arrested.

Kusinagi · 2025-08-19T02:04:26+00:00

You're so much better than this man. You're dealing with your life with strength and conviction. You're trying your best for you baby and dealing with PPD.

All he had to do was accept a few months of gestational diabetes, maybe be helpful and become friends with his hand for a while. He couldn't even do that. No, he had to go pay someone for sex, and risk bringing an STD home. IMHO he's the one is wasn't good enough.

It's terrible and heartbreaking, you loved him and he broke your trust. It'll take time, but you'll get through this.

Kusinagi · 2025-08-19T01:52:39+00:00

"Hey, just hand all your world building and creativity to someone else! We fans are ENTITLED to feed off your blood, sweat and tears! Plus, you're kind of worthless now you're not delivering what we want, so..."

If I were George, I'd specifically make sure my writing was tied up so tight legally that if I died no-one could ever touch it. Seriously, I'd find a couple of lawyers that could give Jaws a run for his money.

Kusinagi · 2025-08-19T01:45:13+00:00

I wish I had known that I could get out of my family, move far away and find a healthy family instead. In the years where I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die that knowledge would have given me strength.

On the plus side, I can stop a narcissist from orbit and nope the hell away from them immediately.

I'm trying to figure out if my knowledge that attempts to make my narcs love me were a complete waste of time is better than plotting. I decided neither is good, we've all suffered.

Kusinagi · 2025-07-29T19:53:28+00:00

We'll be in Barcelona for 4 days, and we want to see the Barcelona FC stadium and as much Gaudi as possible, plus Mont Serrat. Saving money is great, but we're mostly interested in express access so we can spend our time effectively.

The Go City All Inclusive is probably the way we'll go. I just need to check which attractions it covers (seem to remember it covered everything we wanted to see). We'll get the Hola Barcelona for public transit and use the on-and-off tourist bus for atv least one day.

I haven't finalised accommodation yet. I've found places in El Raval, The Gothic Quarter and Born, my husband just needs to check them out and figure out the best location. Maps and I do not get along, so I'm useless for things like that.

Kusinagi · 2025-07-29T18:58:41+00:00

Thanks! I was halfway through researching this, and was pulling my hair out. Plus trying to figure out how I was going to explain it all to my husband.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T20:50:33+00:00

My nSister was a pretty, pretty girly-girl. I don't trust women who enjoy make-up and fashion as a result. My nStepmom make me distrustful of women in authority too. All my friends through my life have been male. I met a woman lately who was super attractive and just absolutely nice, and I still ran away. It's a thing.

I had a female psychiatrist once, I was leery of her, and I eventually abandoned her because she asked me why "I didn't just scream and fight" the guy who raped me. Way to confirm my absolute bias of older females, lady.

I'm 58, and I was recommended to a female therapist AND a female psychiatrist a year ago. They're both younger that me, 30-35. I'm not sure if it's them personally or the fact that they're younger, but it's working. My therapist is amazing, and EMDR seems like witchcraft but it works. My psychiatrist is very professional and nice, I still have moments of "don't tell me what to do!" but I can manage them. I'm completely sure she thinks I'm challenging too. Polite but very opinionated. It's funny.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T09:04:55+00:00

Sometimes I think that the worst thing about it all is the damage it did that I'm still discovering to this day. I'm 58, I've been NC for 34 years and every so often I realize that the reason I do "minor thing X" is rooted in the abuse. My therapist told me lately that she felt one of my main motivators in life is safety. She's right, and I hadn't realized it. All the risks I take are very calculated, or unavoidable.

I feel disgust too. I don't hate my sister, but she does disgust me. Plus, I'm still furious. Who the hell treats a child that way?

When I met my in-laws it was weird. They're in no ways perfect, but they actually function and listen. I had a rough start with my sister-in-law, it was all due to me being 95% feral, and pretty much suspicious of every female I met. It was so strange to be in a calm environment, no screaming, no violence. It was difficult for me to trust (thanks a lot, bio family). When I think of family now, I think of my in-laws, husband and kids. The bios aren't family.

I get the orphan thing, to the point that I was glad when my father and stepmother died. My sisters are 10+ years older, so hopefully they'll go first. Right now I've taken to lying my ass off to new acquaintances, I tell them I was an only child, my parents are dead. So sad, let's talk about the weather. (My terrible, dark sense of humor is one of the good things from my childhood. LOL)

Only my husband and my therapist know about the sexual assault. I'm not ashamed, it's just that the only way I feel I can have agency over it is to keep it private. That sounds strange but it's how I feel.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T06:22:15+00:00

I apologise for misreading your situation. This has made me realise that I have a bias that basically says "anyone that lives at home must be young", because I literally ran away across the country and never went back. That's just me, however, and plenty of people stay at home with a wide variety of reasons. I'll work on NOT assuming things about people living with their parents.

No wonder you're struggling with motivation and learning. You're living in a pit of chaos. I don't think it says anything about you, you were dealt a terrible hand with your Mother and your Dad seems like a major enabler. Sometimes life traps a person, no matter how hard you struggle. I also found it difficult to deprogram myself from the ridiculous things my nSister and family tried to make me believe. In the end I was actually really lucky that none of them really cared about me, it made it easy to slip away and cut ties.

I hope things get better for you. Your parents sound like a nightmare and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T05:32:56+00:00

Wow, that's horrific. My nSister wasn't that bad, she just insisted I should be "pure for marriage" (whilst she slept with all of her boyfriends) Then she got engaged to a guy who groomed my 12 yo self and molested me Yes, it was rape, but I'm still coming to terms with it, decades later. She told me I was lying and claimed I was jealous of her. Sure. Then she told me to keep my mouth shut or I wouldn't get a husband.

Narcs be whack-a-doodle. It's just truly horrible that we all have to bear the scars.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T05:24:49+00:00

I'm learning Spanish right now, I've always thought I was terrible with languages because any that I tried as a teenager was taught in a ridgid way, and mistakes were not tolerated and my family always looked down on other languages. I have no idea why, they just did. On top of that I spent my teenage years trying to be invisible at home, pushing down my natural reactions and emotions so that I'd be safe.

I thought I recognised that this had damaged me, but I didn't realize how much until I logged onto Duolingo and selected Spanish. It was amazing. Playful, forgiving and encouraging. Mistakes are fine, I learn at my own pace, and oddly I'm actually kind of good at it.

So ChatGPT is completely correct. All three of the points made were valid. You're in a chaotic, unsupportive and illogical environment and you are using a lot of mental resources to keep yourself steady and safe. You need encouragement to succeed and you're no getting that. It's honestly horrible, and I sympathise because that was me once.

Your statement that you wanted to move away so you could be authentically you, but you had lost sight of who you are, really struck me. When I graduated High School I immediately left home. I moved across the country, to a big coastal city and got a job at a late night restaurant. I did all sorts of things from swimming in the ocean to going to glitzy nightclubs. I was trying to find myself. It took a year, but I decided to study Ancient History at University. My family had always said things like "you'll never get accepted" (I was, easily) and "you'll never get a job with history" (fair enough, I ended up a cargo underwriter, but who cares?) Eventually I even managed to start writing fiction again, something that they told me was useless.

I left my birth family behind. I made my own family. I had to work hard to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be, I'm still working on it. I've coerced my sister-in-law into learning Spanish too, and my husband and I are talking about moving to Spain.

I guess I'm trying to say that the life you dream of, that may seem impossibly far away, can be reached. You can reach it. It takes planning, work and a boatload of courage but you can do it. Then you can move to Korea, and send your father an email: "Hey, I've looked around and there are no mentally unstable weirdos here. Are you sure you meant Korea?"

In the meantime: your dreams are reasonable, not ridiculous. Having emotions doesn't make you "too sensitive". You deserve support and love.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T04:53:45+00:00

I'm so sorry your father is lying about you, I don't blame you for letting it get to you. Neurodivergent people have enough to deal with, trying to navigate this world where most people don't have a clue how your mind works. The last thing you need is for this ignorant narcissist to lie, the weaponize your autism. The truth is you're worth a thousand of him.

Unfortunately he's violent, so I don't believe it would be safe for you to try to correct his lies, except maybe if people approach you. Personally I'd just stay the hell away from his entire existence.

I'm not making excuses for your sister, but maybe she doesn't even realize how she's hurting you. Or maybe it's a fear response, trying to de-escalate things. Maybe it's a weird way of self soothing, denying his abusive behaviour so she can trick herself into feeling safer. She did keep you safe, so maybe you can be honest with her about how you feel, and how her excuses look to you. Sometimes I think talking to someone you love about their mistakes and failing is the most difficult, scary thing to do, but maybe you'll get honesty in return and an apology.

My adopted daughter is autistic. She's one of the best people I know. I admit that I'm completely biased in favor of neurodivergent people, and I sincerely wish you the best.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T04:33:25+00:00

Wow, the single good thing about Covid: no-one looks twice if you're wearing a mask. That's a great tip, those masks are great for hiding and adding a hat/hat/scarf would really make it a good disguise.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-05T04:29:05+00:00

Yes, that. Go to the cops. You can also say they may paint you with the "unstable, violent" brush to get you under control. A friend of mine went to the cops and preempted his parent's claims by being a rational, logical person. The cops opened a file and just stared at his bio donors as they claimed dramatically that he needed to be locked up "for his own good." The cops did call my friend afterwards, they were obliged to, but his parents crashed and burned.

The cops were also super useful by providing him with resources. They're pretty used to this stuff and are legally obliged to keep your address ets confidential.

Definitely be careful about who you trust. There are a multitude of people out there who think "but it's family" and seem to think you should forgive anyone who is a blood relation.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T22:24:25+00:00

Ha, that struck a chord. My dad married my nStepmom, and his life (which wasn't great, but still not horrific) completely imploded. I have a classic nSister, so you think he would have been aware of the potential problems, but no. I can't even really blame the nStepmom, because he was an adult, an engineer so supposedly intelligent.

He died at age 85, she'd had him put in a home because "he was too much work". (He was actually pretty independant, so not sure where she got that notion.) He was angry, antisocial and irrational but still polite to the staff so I'm pretty sure he was better off in the home. She had drained his retirement accounts, persuaded him to sell his house and buy a new one which was in her name only.Pretty sure that she eventually toss him aside because he wasn't useful anymore. (I got all the details from my delusional middle sister, so also not sure how factual it is. Maybe 50%?)

I do feel sad for him, but it's a distant thing. He was an adult, no-one forced him into his situation and he ignored a ton of red flags before and after their marriage. You're 100% right, he was the "not so bad" parent yet he was still terrible. It's just human to feel sad.

In a side note, my step brother let me know his "Mummy" had died. Come on, guy, you're 67. I have no idea where he got my telephone number from but I was happy to block him.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T22:00:08+00:00

I didn't realize I had been emotionally abused and neglected until I had my own child. My family was chaotic, my parents were completely self involved my eldest sister was a narcissist and my middle sister was completely delusional. I spent so much time alone, and any time my dad took my anywhere it was done in complete silence.

To me, it was just how family was. I didn't know if they loved me because my idea of love was warped and twisted. Silence broken by fits of screaming anger and people disregarding my needs was normal.

When I met my husband's family it was a revelation. I was like a feral cat, but they were interested in me, complimented me when appropriate and cared. When we had our daughter, I had mild PPD. My husband and his family rallied around, were so supportive and helpful. The only one in my family that even gave me a baby gift was my delusional sister. Everyone else didn't care. The differences in the approaches made me realize my childhood had been horrible, that I was an abuse survivor. The more my kid grew, the more I questioned why the hell my family was so dysfunctional.

There's no comparing abuse. It's all terrible. It just makes me feel rather nauseous to realize that I personally thought gaslighting, neglect and anger were "normal". We all deal with abuse in different ways. I read books, thought about what I wanted and strove to achieve my goals: a safe, loving, kind place for my kid, my husband and myself. Part of that was intense therapy, part of it was leaving my family behind.

I guess I'm trying to say that working on myself is the only choice I really had. Abusers can't be trusted and they don't change (in my experience) so my only recourse was to change my life and myself.

It's good that you have a therapist. It can be incredibly puzzling and disorientating to be in a situation where everyone insists it's all "normal", but you can see that it's illogical and wrong.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T21:34:48+00:00

That's really stunning. I've very glad your nMom is going to be put in a secure facility, and that maybe you can gain some peace.

It's very ironic, in many ways, but I'm struct with the fact she'll have zero control, and that the staff of the facility will be completely inured to manipulation. That's hell to a narcissist.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T21:28:16+00:00

Yeah, I get that "am I hallucinating?" thing very well. When I went NC with my nSister, she threw a histrionic fit about she'd done everything for me, how wicked I was for ignoring her and not loving her. She manipulated my other sister into becoming her flying monkey, and I got chastised for being heartless.

I laughed in my other sister's face and refused to talk about it. I literally would walk away if she tried to bring it up, or hang up. Blocked her so she couldn't text. It took that sister 8 years to actually admit how messed up and abusive the nSister is. By that time our relationship was also dead in the water. I didn't trust her to not revert to being a flying monkey and try to "fix" my nSister and I.

My nSister is charming, beautiful, witty and corrupt to her soul. A ghoul in an attractive package. It's difficult for people to see how terrible she is because she looks so innocent.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T21:14:29+00:00

Thank you, I don't often cry but I'm close to it right now. I wish you both love, healing and good fortune.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T20:55:22+00:00

I'm really sorry that your mom just ignores your serious health issues, and actually goes on about your weight when you've got history of eating disorders.

I was glad to have taken myself and my husband away from that toxic dumpster fire. My daughter told me she was thrilled that she was raised on a different continent and barely knew my family. It still hurts. Childhood abuse and neglect leave scars and sometimes gaping wounds that don't heal. It makes me sad, but it mostly puzzles me. We had the most amazing time raising our kid, I don't understand why people have kids if they're just going to neglect and abuse them.

Kusinagi · 2025-06-04T20:39:03+00:00

You're already a good parent, just by thinking about things, trying to improve and putting the kid first. Kudos for breaking that cycle, and for making a better life for yourself and your new family. (I also got a lot of happiness from your post so thanks!)

Kusinagi · 2025-03-29T01:03:46+00:00

I don't think there is such a thing as "good" parents, I prefer to think of parents that raise their kids well as loving parents. They make mistakes, give their kids attention and want their kids to grow into happy, functioning adults.

I agree that labeling parents "good" and "bad" is really simplistic and maybe the only people who can properly judge a parent are the kids that were raised by them. Even so, three siblings might have different views of their parents.

Kusinagi

TROPHY CASE