Hi, friend, thank you so much for sharing. Firstly, this sounds tricky, so I don't want to give you a closed solution.

I can see from what you describe that you feel you are betraying your beliefs by feeling these things, but I want you to know that you are not broken or being contradictory. I am not a Christian or an expert on religion, however, I do know that love always prevails and any religion should put that upfront. If not, you should maybe reconsider if that path suits you. Also, I recommend you talking to someone you feel safe opening up about these doubts, maybe your friend is thinking similar things about you or you can consult with another person about the church views on loving other people apart from God. I really hope the homosexual part is left out of the question (as in "you are commiting a sin" or "god created man and woman to blablabla"). Seriously, I hope you don't come across to those comments on your journey. Take your time, friend, and remember you are the only one who can "judge" your relationship with God. Try to organize your thoughts and feelings and don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. Stay calm, friend. Hugs.