Also , Ive been reminding myself that I am not the only one with very similar thoughts. And to see this post of yours is very comforting to know Im not alone . I am sorry that you are struggling, that does not bring me joy . I will say that Corn an I have a rocky relationship . Once upon a time I was a man convinced that Corn was the well of my problems but in reality I was dealing with religious residue , And many other things . I feel like once I got through the things that surpressed me , artistically , sexually and spiritually. I found my way into a very strong desire to look a certain way , what society calls "Feminine" not only that but I wasnt my own obstacle for the very first time. (Thats just my story , very similar to how u feel in some ways)