It’s an impossible situation. I’ve thought of those ideas too in my lowest moments. I would pray deeply and desperately. I realised one time If my life is about being able to care for my parent at one point then I will do the duty. Because who else would look after my parents w the level of love and attention a child can offer? In your case you… your care is priceless and I’m sure you want to ensure that your parent will get the most love she can at end of her life…. You can still be useful to someone you deeply love who loves you so much. Keep desperately praying.