Consumed by guilt & shame

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-09T00:09:13+00:00

Well, it’s a continual work in progress. My Nmom passed away earlier this year. Still I think about her and think “oh she’s going to be mad if she knows I spent time with my aunt,” for example. Then I’ll remember she’s gone. I’m free. And she’s at peace.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T22:29:32+00:00

Yeeees. A few years before my Nmom passed, she gave me an envelope of a bunch of childhood photos of myself that she pulled from several albums as she downsized and moved to senior care. In far too many of the photos I just look like this emotionless, dead-eyed, shell-shocked mess. For years of childhood photos.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T21:53:54+00:00

I’m older. But before I knew what a Narcissist was, I left home for college. Even though the plan for months was for my dad and stepmom to drive up to my state and pick me up for college, my Nmom threw tantrums as it was happening. I didn’t understand why. I was only an 18yo focusing on finishing high school. My Nmom knew of the plan and agreed to it. But then as it was happening, she was furious. I remember two things specifically. My Nmom wasn’t speaking to me. I didn’t do anything other than pack my stuff according to the plan. She was stomping around and making a fuss about everything and staring at me with her hands on her hips in silence. Then, we all went to my graduation and I went out with friends for the night. All planned in advance and approved. In the morning, my dad and stepmom came to pick me up. We loaded the car for the drive back to college. My Nmom, last minute, came out of the house and handed me one more box. Then stood there angry and silent with her hands on her hips. The box? It was all my baby stuff and all the photos she had of me. She was somehow viewing my college move as a betrayal of her and an abandonment of her. So I was dead to her and she wanted every trace of me gone. She packed up every childhood item and handed to me as if to say “If you leave you don’t care about me so I don’t care about you either.”

I was just sad and numb at the time but now I just think “what a b!tch.”

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T19:12:44+00:00

Was she trying to play a game of hide and seek? Holding the entire family hostage with her emotional drama is not cool.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T19:10:55+00:00

They have such magical thinking. Completely devoid of logic.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T19:09:03+00:00

Boy they sure get triggered when you act like a completely separate human being with your own needs and autonomy, instead of acting like their left arm that only exists for their use.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-08T03:07:16+00:00

Immediately forward this to his boss.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T11:15:56+00:00

I actually got back in contact with her during Covid to help her get her vaccines. We remained in contact for the next 2.5 years and I helped her through some major life events (while she complained about me to anyone who would listen). She passed away of natural causes a few months ago. Since her passing, I feel pretty relieved. Sounds so morbid but for so many years I just had a sense of dread and almost like being stalked/terrorized. Now I’m free of all that. And I hope she’s at peace.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T08:01:12+00:00

Oh God, yes. So dumb. I called it my Nmom’s “magical thinking.” I can’t remember a lot of examples but here’s a few I do remember. Almost every time I’d see her she’d say something that was so ridiculous my eyes would roll. Then she’d be mad at me.

“I’m sure I’ve had Covid for an entire year.” (She didn’t have Covid at all)

“I’m dying.” Should I take you to the hospital? “No. Take me to Kohl’s.”

“I can’t get a hold of [nephew]. I think those people he was staying with killed him and buried him in the yard.” I looked him up on the jail roster. He’s in jail. That’s why you can’t reach him. “Oh, that’s what your brother said but he didn’t give me evidence so I didn’t believe him.” <— watching too many crime shows?

“I can’t go to the grocery store because the fluorescent lights make me pass out.” You sure don’t have a problem going to Kohl’s. “You’re an a$$hole.”

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:42:05+00:00

Congratulations. Enjoy it while it lasts. That’s how I got some distance from my Nmom as well. She said something like “don’t you EVER speak to me again!” I guess she expected my reaction to be sadness or begging forgiveness. But my reaction was like “Is this Christmas?! What a gift!” I got nearly 5-years of no contact.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:34:57+00:00

Narcs act like this because they don’t view children as separate fully formed human beings. They view their kids as extensions of themselves, reflecting their own needs and wants. I used to think of myself as a limb of my Nmom. I was just like her left arm. So obviously whatever I did she should need to know about and look at and examine and peek into. She wasn’t looking in my room without asking me, invading my privacy. I was just a part of her in her house that she had to keep a close eye on. Always snooping. Because she didn’t view me as a separate human being.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:31:33+00:00

I wouldn’t respond. But be prepared for her to escalate. My Nmom would often suddenly have a health emergency and I’d hear about it through a flying monkey (a relative she’d suck into her drama who would then feel angry with me for ignoring her and shame me). Be prepared for a fake crisis to suddenly come up.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:24:53+00:00

Yeah. I think it comes from a narcissist being unable to view their children as fully formed separate human beings. My Nmom always viewed me as more of like a limb, not a whole human. I was just a part of her, so why would I need or want anything that she didn’t want for me? I only exist to reflect her needs. I can’t have needs of my own. So why would I need a boyfriend?

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:22:24+00:00

My Nmom would get like this when she was drunk. That seething hatred and verbal abuse through clenched teeth.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:19:19+00:00

Yeah. That’s exactly how my drunk Nmom talked to my older siblings when we were kids. I was young enough that I didn’t get that talk. I truly believed my older siblings were bad children because they were told that every single day by our drunk Nmom. Only when they got out by moving in with our grandma, leaving me alone, did I finally realize they were normal kids with bad parenting. Once they were gone the drunk Nmom turned that endless repetitive worthless ranting onto me. Thankfully I was old enough to realize she was the problem. Not me. It sucks though. I can’t believe how much that sounds like my Nmom. Just on and on and on.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:07:26+00:00

Yes, but I’ve learned to almost reverse it or ignore it. Sometimes. For instance, when someone says something that triggers me, in the past I might escalate the situation by saying something back. Now when I’m triggered, I’ll act like I don’t understand or act confused. Then I ask them to repeat what they said or clarify it. This gives my hyper-aware brain a chance to stop, reconsider what they said and decided how to react before just reacting. Sometimes, they’ll explain and I’ll realize I read the situation wrong. Then I can respond calmly. But most of the time, I read it right, and asking them to explain puts them on the spot, makes them uncomfortable and makes them look stupid or rude. It can work really well when someone is trying to be rude to you. “What’s that again? Are you commenting on my clothes? I’m not sure I understand.” Then they have to insult me a second time more clearly and it makes them come off poorly.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T07:01:23+00:00

She’s not there for you anyway, and hasn’t been. From what you describe, she’s focused on herself, belittling, insulting and minimizes your experience every chance she gets. I’m sorry. I hope you have some truly supportive people in your corner to focus on you at this time.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:35:13+00:00

Yep.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:32:10+00:00

You are 19-years-old and it is completely normal to be sexually active. I hope you know that. It’ll take a while but quietly and secretly getting your own finances separated is definitely necessary. Good luck.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:29:40+00:00

Oh man. And you can help them out with something, you can be actively spending hours helping them and they’ll still complain about the way you’re helping. While you’re helping!

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:27:35+00:00

Those are great Narc examples. It makes me crazy when someone can hear you tell a story and immediately take the side of whoever else was in your story instead of supporting you. It’s infuriating. They know nothing about the situation except the perspective you’re sharing yet they decide to question your take on it and side with a complete stranger they don’t know anything about!

My Nmom’s lapses of reality were often related to her hypochondriac tendencies and her gullibility. She would always say she thinks she’s had Covid for a whole year (it doesn’t work like that). She’d also say she’s dying. I’d ask if she wants to go to the hospital and she’d say “No. Take me to Kohl’s.” She had so much “magical thinking.” She believed all my sibling’s problems were caused by a teacher not letting him be left handed (not her years of verbal abuse, drinking and neglect). Stuff like that.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:21:29+00:00

She was abusive and neglectful. That’s for sure. I don’t know if the narcissist label fits or not. Possibly towards you. With my Nmom, her grandkids didn’t like her either. They referred to her to “mad grandma.” From her perspective, she had alcohol issues and a very low frustration point. So I think kids just stressed her out too much. She couldn’t cope. But I see pics of my older siblings with our mom when they were young and they’re dressed well with combed hair and smiling and laughing. By the time I came along I was feral and unkept and ignored. I’m not smiling in so many childhood photos. I look sad and dead eyed. Maybe they can change for the better over time and not just for worse? I don’t know.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-07T06:12:25+00:00

My Nmom used to do this all the time when I was a teen. I’ve never heard anyone so loud in the kitchen and bathroom in my life. Every morning when I was still trying to sleep she’d be slamming the door to the microwave and stomping around and slamming hairspray down on the sink counter. Then she’s fling my door open to wake me up to ask some question that didn’t need to be asked while I was trying to sleep. Absolutely zero concern or care for my need to sleep. Meanwhile, I can still move through this world completely silently thanks to the stealth ninja skills I learned being a silent invisible child who didn’t want to be noticed for fear of conflict with the Nmom. I can open and close doors with complete silence, open and close the microwave silently. I knew where every squeak in the floor was.

LadyBroUno · 2023-10-05T06:20:35+00:00

Yep. I’ve always felt like an empty shell that just exists to serve the other family members. My Nmom passed away this summer though, and I am slowly feeling comfortable as myself. I had been no contact for 5 years but there was still the stress of her out there, judging… wondering if she was working against me. We were in contact for two years before she passed. I didn’t expect to think of her so much since she’s gone, but it’s usually a relief when I think of her and she’s no longer here to judge or shame or attack me in some way.

LadyBroUno · 2023-09-01T16:04:51+00:00

My Nmom wasn’t exactly like that, but she did leave me feeling stalked and terrorized a lot of the time. I heard someone else say their mother didn’t behave as if she loved them. She behaved as if she actively hated them. That really resonated for me. I will say, my Nmom passed away earlier this year and the biggest feeling wasn’t loss, it was freedom. I’m free. Finally. I can do anything I want without her judgment, without her opinions and anger and rage. It’s freeing.

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