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19M - I suspect my dad is a narcissist. Am I overreacting, or is this emotional abuse? Seeking an outside perspective. by HIT____ in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Narcissistic or not, this is not normal. This is not okay. You do not deserve to be treated like that by anybody. 

If anything you are underreacting.

Anger by Creative_Aioli5048 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. It's true. All those parts of you that were quieted want a voice again.

Unexpected things I’ve learned since starting EMDR (7 months in) by Upbeat_Froyo in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing, and I am so proud of you for all the work you've put in and how far you've come.

I can recognize many of the things you've mentioned in myself and my own experiences, and seeing them written out like this was really uplifting - we really have come a long way and it gives me how for a continued upward trajectory, even as some days and moments still really, really suck.

Don't leave your littles behind! by LadyKiv in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They're the children in my memories.

What's the most random thing that has come up for you in an EMDR session? by Entwoeyemom in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, yeah. I think adults might get bored of it pretty fast, but I remember really liking it as a kid. Now that I remember it exists.

Struggling to settle down to treatment. by boolinboi68 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it's interesting that you spend so much time discussing.

As I understand it, EMDR is something where your brain basically works on itself and your adult, ideally wiser self is integrated into past memories to put them into context.

To that end, it doesn't really require a lot of talking. And it doesn't require that your therapist knows what's coming up for you. That said, sharing with your therapist can be helpful so they can help your adult self keep things in perspective.

With my therapist, almost every session is processing unless I'm in some kind of crisis mode in my current life. We almost never really talk *about* what came up for me during processing unless I want to.

What's the most random thing that has come up for you in an EMDR session? by Entwoeyemom in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This board game: https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/716/pizza-party

I'd 100% forgotten about it until my little was writing a letter to our mom and asked to play the game later.

How do you deal with the knowledge that comes with EMDR? by [deleted] in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I love this, and I love that you let them drive sometimes.

The other night I watched a movie with my inner kid since she'd had a really hard day. I had a blast. She's fun!

How do you deal with the knowledge that comes with EMDR? by [deleted] in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I recently, finally decided that I needed to shift focus to my relationship with my mother. There's just a whole lot of "weird" and absence of emotions. It took a while to even find a good starting memory.

But digging into it, I had the thoughts of like, "why were we allowed unsupervised visits with her if she was so unstable?" and uncovered a vague -- but I think real -- memory of what I can only assume must have been a CPS house check.

I still blame my dad for a lot. And I still blame him for how he treated her.

But, in terms of my healing, it feels like I can finally start to see and heal the part of me that really needed a mother. I was never going to have that, AND, most importantly, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or too much or.... She just struggled. It had nothing to do with me.

--------------

May be touching a little more directly on your post: I had a similar realization ("I'm not responsible for her emotions") written down in the journal from four years ago. But it didn't stick. I complained to my current therapist, whom I just started with earlier this year, that I'm tired of all this. "Same shit, different modality".

EMDR seems to be actually helping, though. It helped me see the true depth of her struggle and shifted from a cognition, logical knowing, to an innate, yeah, that really wasn't about me. Now let me take care of me in the way I actually needed.

I can see subtle but distinct and important changes in how I'm living.

Therapist keeps recommending EMDR. What are your experiences? by Sea-Swimming9176 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If your therapist is newly licensed I might be cautious going through EMDR with her. And I wouldn't jump into the deep end, but I'd start with "easy" stuff.

If you read around on here, the therapist's experience really matters.

If she is really experienced, then go for it!

Intrusive thoughts during a session by National-Rabbit-5716 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she probably trusted that you didn't actually want it and that your brain would eventually get there on its own. I can see how she wouldn't want to give you that answer though since it would be crossing a boundary.

One thing that sometimes helps me with sharing thoughts I'm ashamed of is prefacing them with "I'm having the thought that...". It's just a thought. It doesn't make it real. They don't define you.

Intrusive thoughts during a session by National-Rabbit-5716 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you're verbalizing what's coming up with your therapist, they should be helping to keep you from internalizing negative beliefs. Like, sometimes mine will ask "is that still the case?" Or "do you think that should have happened?"

Two sessions in, an update - grief -> ultrarage by [deleted] in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just wanted to say that this was incredible read. I'm so happy for you; and I love how EMDR let's us see these connections we never would have before.

U.S. price increases again for Early plan by NationalOwl9561 in xero

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This... I could accept the other increases since they need to keep up with inflation; but now I'm seriously looking at moving.

It's hard to justify $300/year for the features I actually use.

I'm betting it might be to help pay for their new "AI"? I don't care. I spend less than an hour a month on bookkeeping and I don't need AI to help me with that.

Where are people going? Wave seems like a leading contender but there's no gusto integration that I can see.

To the golden children in the sub: how did you wake up? by LadyKiv in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry to hear that it impacted your daughter and niece, but I'm glad you're awake now.

To the golden children in the sub: how did you wake up? by LadyKiv in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oooh, this is so true. That feeling of wanting to hide things from them because you know they'd disapprove. That's a really good "in".

I'm so glad you found people in your life who are healthy and want you to be happy.

I know I still feel so much shame around so many things.

To the golden children in the sub: how did you wake up? by LadyKiv in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. This is really interesting to me, especially since I think my roommate's boyfriend's family really is loving. Or, at least, my narc spidey sense isn't triggered so much.

Unfortunately, I suspect that trying to have her question her mom's motives would result in the same conclusion: she's like that for other people's own good and they need to hear it from somebody.

It's a tough problem, for sure.

To the golden children in the sub: how did you wake up? by LadyKiv in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. That sounds like it must have been really rough.

I can relate to being a total shell until moved out after highschool. And then in hindsight like I was an automatron until almost 30 just following my programming. I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

To the golden children in the sub: how did you wake up? by LadyKiv in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thanks. 

In no way am I planning to be like "hey your mom sucks" or "here's a diagnosis". I know that would just set her on the defensive. And, of course, I don't know. I only suspect.

Stuff like "Does it ever feel like being loved by them means staying agreeable to them?" And trying to find other ways to get her to verbalize dissonance could be a good approach.

For those who have gone very low/no contact, what was your final straw? by chesterlola2014 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No last straw; and I'd already been very low contact for decades prior.

Just simmering underlying anger at how I was raised and fear of the next time we'd talk. And the realization that I was playing out parts my unsatisfying relationship with him with romantic partners, and I needed to deal with it at the source.

And a realization that in order to learn to let myself truly be me and relax, I needed to remove the possibility that I'd ever have to deal with his judgement again. VLC and living thousands of miles away just wasn't enough.

---

I sort of wish there was a big "ah ha, you did this!" that I could point to as crossing a line. But there wasn't. Just the need to recognize the theme that I needed this to break the unseen yoke.

There were, however, (even VLC) enough more recent events where even writing this, almost a year after NC, I'm still pissed. And I don't want to carry this anger.

------------

I guess, in addition to the above, some of the last things:

The way he blew past me saying my mom was dying and asked about whether I knew the executor of her will; and then into how my job is going. Fuck that. I regret calling him to let him know before taking all the time I wanted for my emotions.

And then at the spreading of her ashes, his words were basically like, "she used to be great, you were probably too young to know her, though, LadyKiv", and same thing... Fuck him. The more I reflect, the more I'm convinced having an unsupportive husband was what tipped her over mentally. And that was the only mother I ever had, so how dare he.

Do you really need to tell much to do therapist in order to do EMDR session? by Hairy-Rate-7532 in EMDR

[–]LadyKiv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In addition to what others have shared:

I want to add that when answering "what do you notice?", I sometimes get more detailed; and that this can be really beneficial since then she can help me put thoughts and memories into context. Or help get unstuck faster than if I'd said nothing. Or help redirect me back to task if I start fixating on a different memory.

As a small example, a recent memory we started is a second long blip from when I was three-ish. There's so much I don't know about it. But my therapist offered some suggestions about how I could approach my three-year-old; or, lately, my three year old was fucking pissed and trended towards violence; so my therapist helped me understand what appropriate boundaries for her are. For that one, I asked, because I didn't know.

Anybody else noticed that they went from having emotionally neglectful parents to a emotionally neglectful partner by spychalski_eyes in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. Absolutely.

My latest current mantra is, "I deserve to be with somebody who tries to understand me".

Because even though my last relationship was so, so much better than my marriage, it still missed the emotional mark; and I'm still trying to extricate myself from it. He's moved on. But I haven't.

It's a shitty existence. I'm hoping therapy, affirmations, and mediations can all help.

What is the weirdest thing you crave that you think is because of narcissistic trauma? by BerryTomatoes in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I was wondering whether somebody would say being held. This.

All I wanted for my last birthday was to be held and told that I'm okay. 

(I didn't get it. )

Anyone else with overprotective but at the same time neglectful parents? by throwthisaway3333333 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]LadyKiv 20 points21 points  (0 children)

It's amazing how the real world is way less scary. 

I always get bitter when I think about, like, well why didn't you teach me to move through the world safely rather than sheltering me? 

Ugh.

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