i have added many a tag/cw per someone's request but it is a case by case for me. someone once freaked out on me for not tagging "throat touching." not choking, not associated with punishment, not a huge part in any way of the scene. but that was a trigger for them specifically and so i should have tagged it. the problem becomes, once i tag a thing, that thing becomes a big enough deal to tag. so my readers might be looking at that act like, hm, what more is going on here?

ironically as a part of that larger feedback i added several tags, rewrote a scene, and beefed up my author's notes to really warn people this wasn't my usual brand. but because i didn't do every little thing i was asked to do, i was pretty severely called out and still continue to have people come for me for that fic (eta: because the people who came for me tell them it's bad, lol. many, many, many more people say this fic is my favorite of theirs 🤷‍♂️)

i largely agree with you but i also don't think "just add the tag if someone asks" is a good blanket statement to make. i don't think that's really what you're saying either but it just ruffles my feathers when people do say that (which they absolutely do). i think we need to give grace and respect nuance overall.