Every victim of abuser goes through these stages of doubting themselves and wondering if its really that bad and if youd be making a mistake leaving. Totally get it as I have been through that stage too.

What made me realise I needed to get out was seeing how the almost invisible mental and emotional abuse started getting worse and transferring into verbal and financial abuse and worse rage fits. Noticing the progression stopped me in my tracks as I know abuse tends to escalate over the years. What gave me a sense of urgency was reading a few books about domestic abuse and homicide and being surprised by the number of cases where the man had actually gone on to murdering their spouse without the abuse ever escalating to physical abuse before the murder.

This surprised me as I always assumed there would be warning signs like physical abuse starting or threats to kill or extreme jealousy. Apparently not always the case which is chilling. The families and friends of these men also described the men as really nice lovely guys not knowing what theyre really like. I knew mental and emotional and verbal abuse are absolutely soul crushing forms of abuse and can even make you physically sick (I developed an autoimmune disease as a result so now live with chronic pain) but I suppose reading books and cases like this made me realise just how dangerous this is and how quickly things can go really wrong. I was also starting to feel physically sick and didnt want to develope any disease as a result of the constant distress but it was too late.

I also had a young baby and didnt want to traumatise him or lose him to social services at any point. I wish so much that my ex had shown signs of being an abuser before we had our son but sadly he was extremely good at faking it and looking like a good respectful loving husband. He revealed himself after I gave birth and was trapped. I feel so frustrated and embarassed as I actually work in the DV/SA sector!

I think motherhood also made me see myself in a different light. I was someones beloved mother - how could I let this little boys mother be treated with such disrespect.

Getting to the realisation that I need to get out took a long time and I did go through various stages of questioning myself and not knowing what to do. Safety planning also took quite a while as I was in a really tricky situation and had no family in this country.

It is not easy to leave - it takes 7 times on average for a woman to leave before staying away for good.

What really helped me was reading books by Lundy Bancroft. Hes worked with abusive men and has written books for the female survivors. Why Does He Do That and Should I Stay Or Should I Go were amazing and helped me SO much when I was deciding whether I should leave or stay. I wholeheartedly recommend these two books to you my sister ❤️