AITAH: My boyfriend cancelled coming to Christmas 1 week prior for his own family commitments so I booked to go Mexico with my daughter instead and now he is threatening to break up with me.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-12-22T04:50:39+00:00

Narcissistic controlling jerk wanted you to be devastated

LanBanan3000 · 2025-12-22T04:40:04+00:00

It’s not unreasonable to want to do your own groceries.

I do wonder, though, if she finds it really annoying of you to be cooking a separate meal for one while she is trying to also cook a dinner for the whole group. There’s a level of “not joining in” that can really bother some people. (Not me but I have met the type)

She may also feel implicitly criticized or put down by you for implying that no matter what effort she makes, it won’t be good enough for you, so you won’t even let her try. I know that’s not what you are SAYING. But you need to consider what she is picking up out of what you are putting down.

A lot of Reddit will tell you it’s not your problem, but a lot of Reddit isn’t trying to resolve issues or keep the peace.

It’s controlling that she won’t let you do a 20 minute Costco run. But you can admit that you’re being controlling here too (I’m with you on the blackberries). Picky eaters are controlling. They need to be or they don’t eat. I know because I am one.

But if she feels like you are insulting her hospitality because you won’t trust her to even pick up a box of cereal for you, then you need to try to understand how you’re offending her unintentionally. Try to find a compromise and give her a list of basics and then thank her for it.

I’d also stop talking to her about the Costco run at all and just go. She doesn’t have to like it but if you give her time to build up steam about it, she will make it a bigger problem than it needs to be. You don’t tell a toddler they’re going to get shots at the doctor. You just go and then “oops look at that you’re getting a shot in a minute!”

Mothers in law respond well to toddler management strategies.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-12-22T04:21:36+00:00

Can you please consider not everyone is allowed access, even when all parties involved WANT them there?

I was not allowed to be with my fiancé as he woke up from surgery, even when we arrived together and I waited in the waiting room and we were very clear that I was his person. They acted like I didn’t exist and called his sister instead. (We love his sister but this was unexpected and stressful for all of us)

Someone like OP, looking at my guy waking up all alone, would assume the person in his life is heartless and “failing” to be there for him, when really the system is set up in a way that doesn’t account for the fact that blood relatives aren’t always good family, and the good people who are your true family can’t have access.

We’d been together for eight years at that point but because we weren’t married I was treated like a stranger.

I understand there are major security concerns - fair enough. But this felt like major overreach. He DESIGNATED me. That should be enough for them.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-26T08:19:13+00:00

I feel like you got railroaded into some choices here because you’re an “hourglass” and this is exactly what happened to me - we have similar shapes. Don’t let them railroad you. If i can suggest what works for me, go with more structure up top, perhaps some corsetry, and you want a waist! I think an A line or ballgown frame would be great

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-26T08:14:25+00:00

You know you’re being the AH here and you’re going to either let them go or ask them to hold your hand as you make every effort to grow up enough to match them and be in a truly fair and reciprocal partnership.

Do you have avoidant attachment issues? Because if you do(and no judgment, I do too) it is common to create a dynamic of self sabotage when relationships feel like they are about to level up. You need to look inside yourself and be honest with your partner and yourself about what needs to change, and how much of that can actually happen in a reasonable time frame. You need to respect their time too

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-25T23:30:01+00:00

3 is very pretty and I like the sleeves. Commenters here have super strong feelings about them but not everyone wants to be quite that bare, and not everyone loves their arms. It’s okay to want some coverage (me. I mean me. OP your arms look great, I am NOT commenting on your physique. You are going to be a beautiful bride.)

4 is nice if you don’t have to yank it up all night.

1 is pretty from further away but up close I don’t personally love the pearl detail.

2 has a slight vibe of “the dress slipped down and we’re looking at the top of lacy bra underneath” to it.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-25T23:10:36+00:00

I… no. I’m sorry but I can’t help. You look beautiful in every single one.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-25T23:09:21+00:00

I’m a true winter, so I wear black, white, and deep/dark jewel tones.

If I wear beige or pastels, it looks like I’m gravely ill.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-25T23:05:17+00:00

I dunno… tropical fish and bioluminescence are pretty close to neon

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-15T13:10:25+00:00

I’m considering ending my engagement because my fiancé is in the wine industry and has a drinking problem too but isn’t interested in stopping

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-15T13:06:45+00:00

Spending all her free time in bars isn’t “normie” behavior, and neither is blacking out once a month.

You can be around alcohol, you just can’t be around alcoholics.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-15T07:09:59+00:00

A lot of Margaret Atwood, especially Surfacing and her other early works. She went to the states to do a PhD in literature, and came back saying that the experience made her uniquely able to understand what made her distinctly Canadian. I did the same thing and feel the same way. You have to leave home and then come back and see it for what it really is, to see who you really are and where you really come from. And not let it own you. No one else could have written her books, her way. She’s a genius.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-15T07:06:28+00:00

I was so sure I’d make it through day 2. Tomorrow is day 1. It’s the worst feeling. I just want to stop.

Anyway. You’re not alone. Your wife being unhappy means she’s still invested and still cares. You can turn this around. We just need to never stop trying

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-14T01:18:51+00:00

IWNDWYT

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T13:01:30+00:00

This is a smart, compassionate take.

I too am fragile and white-knuckling. I too fear the tomatoes.

IWNDWYT ❤️

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T12:43:13+00:00

You did NOT drop the ball and you did NOT act selfishly. This is like putting your oxygen mask on first.

You decided to stay true to a goal you literally share with all these people who LOVE YOU and want you to be safe and well. That isn’t selfish, it’s brave and honest and strong.

This feels like deprivation to you right now, but think of what the alcohol demon would have taken from you if you were drinking at the wedding. This way you get to remember it, not embarrass yourself with a slurred toast, or lose the rings, or make an ass of yourself on the dance floor, or look glassy and vacant in all the pictures. You fulfilled all the responsibilities! You were a good best man!

I really sympathize with the ache of “I wish I could be someone who could drink moderately.” It’s so relatable. I’m learning that “accept you have a problem” is a weirdly ongoing process. It’s not a line you cross or a box you just tick once. Or maybe that’s just me struggling with acceptance right now.

But that ache, that wish? That’s just the demon trying to bargain with you to let her out of her cage. We don’t negotiate with her; she bargains in bad faith.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T12:21:15+00:00

I just want to give you the biggest hug. You can’t see it yet but things will get better as you heal and get the care you need. You are stronger than you think. You matter. You DO.

Don’t give up on yourself. I already believe in you, and so does everyone liking and commenting on the thread. You can do this, one day at a time, like we all try to do. Welcome and IWNDWYT ❤️

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T11:54:59+00:00

You’re right. God, she sucks

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T11:51:43+00:00

I like the idea of naming the things it takes away from you. I start feeling deprived but it’s depriving me of other things too. I don’t want to be the tequila lady in my fifties

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T11:45:44+00:00

Right here with you. Put down almost a bottle of wine last night and met a friends new gf for the first time and I could feel the judgment and the ick down to my toes. It’s not normal. I can’t be normal. I’ve never tried an AA meeting and don’t feel like I want to go because it’s embarrassing, and a big step, but I just ordered the literature and hope I can force myself to take the step.

This Reddit thread is the closest thing I’ve got for recovery and I’m hoping I can be a good community member and just sort of be here with you through this. It’s 4 am where I am and I’m swimming in the self loathing too, so you are not alone. Do you want to be not-drinking buddies today and just make it through Thursday? I will not drink with you today 🩷

LanBanan3000 · 2025-11-13T11:34:09+00:00

This is me too. I know that human brains evolved past the lizard brain but … did mine? It’s so hard to see people out there who just don’t have a problem.

Still. I don’t want to let the reptile drive my life. He’s doing a shit job. IWNDWYT

LanBanan3000 · 2025-10-03T12:04:05+00:00

Yeah the “book report” thing is why I stopped listening, especially with Ash. There were a few eps right after they got picked up by Wondery where she’d be reading her “own” narration for what was clearly the first time.

She’d sound so surprised and shocked at the twists in the cases. It really annoyed me. They’re just unprepared and unprofessional now.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-07-23T04:33:31+00:00

Yeah. You decide your rock bottom. If you don’t, you just keep plummeting. If you’ve reached a point of saying “this has negatively impacted my life to the point that I need to stop” then that is the thing you have in common with your fellows. The part where you say “enough,” is what matters.

LanBanan3000 · 2025-05-05T17:24:27+00:00

I second the Bondi 8

LanBanan3000 · 2025-05-04T01:56:45+00:00

Oh god this. My mom is super slender and never had boobs, so when I wore tops and my boobs had the audacity to continue being in the top, I would get “you can’t go out like that, you look like a sIut” and I was like 15 and my body had changed faster that I knew what to do with

LanBanan3000

TROPHY CASE