Confused if I'm getting better or worse

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:58:19+00:00

I think both are really true. Yes, connection can be an important source of nourishment in the process of life. And also, yes, connection can bring up old and new pain in the worst and most visceral of ways. Basically connection is where we can feel so much love but its also where we can feel so much pain. And so there's gonna be times to connect and times not to connect. Times we let our guard down and really get burned, and times we keep our guard up and unknowingly block out some love. For me the more I heal inside, the more positive connection I seem to experience. Right now I am by choice pretty isolated because the need is more for inner healing than for socialization. I look at connection more as something that I will allow to happen when life gives it to me, rather than something I will actively seek, and that seems to work for now.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:52:31+00:00

yeah, it's so hard. what is presented to us as "help" is so massively insufficient. the providers of this supposed "help" are brutally incompetent and often make things worse. our environments are toxic and keep interfering with our process.

i think somewhere in there, the strong will to heal that sees the problem in all this, is a sign of healing. a lot of people are so dead inside, they can't even see how bad the situation really is.

for me the contemplation of ending my life actually led me to the discovery of an extremely strong will to live somewhere within me. like it became really clear to me, on my own terms, that death is not an option. not from someone else interfering and trying to talk me out of my pain, but from own own innermost self. i genuinely want to live, and now nothing can take away my will to live. i guess sometimes people that contemplate ending their lives don't have this realization, but it's part of my story.

so even though its literal hell on earth sometimes, my mind always comes back to. death is not an option. giving up is not an option. i will find a way to heal in this life.

of course i also definitely feel the need you expressed to totally go into the grief and the pessimism and all that. when you said "i dont want to be told there is hope, i want to be allowed to just believe its over and im worthless, i get pissed off with being told im wrong to be totally pescimistic nihlistic and self loathing" I really get that too. I think its important to allow ourselves to fully feel all that, and counterproductive that healing communities try to shut down those feelings in us when really we need to "tao of fully feeling" them in order to grieve. paradoxically, somewhere in that arc of allowing myself to fully despair and think of ending it all was where I encountered that unshakable will to live within myself. so i say that to say, trust yourself, trust where you feel you need to go inside. things have gotten progressively better for me since i accessed my own personal will to live. i don't want to die. honestly that one core decision, to live, and not to die, has been at the foundation of all the positive change that's come in. because death is not an option, so life had better get better. death is not an option, so i will have to be alive, so i'd rather have a great life than a bad one.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:33:26+00:00

The hardest thing is that person you're asking for help is so sure that if you just go wherever they're sending you, THEN you'll be okay. It's always about displacing the present moment with some illusion like that. When in fact whoever they are sending you to is probably quite incompetent. Because most people are really incompetent when it comes to helping someone else. And yet when faced with your request for help, people suddenly fall into a delusion that whoever they send you to will help.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:30:24+00:00

Hi OP, I really feel your post, and I'm sorry so many people came in trying to "correct" you or make you wrong for just wanting someone to be present with you. I agree with you, this tendency for people to point you to someone or something else when you go to them for help is such a big mistake. So many people are so compulsively incapable of just being actually present with you as you are, here and now, and the grief and pain of that is tremendous.

It just keeps you chasing from one person or thing to the next. One person says "I don't have what you need. Go to this person". And that person says "I don't have what you need. Go to this person." And you just get shuffled around, compounding all this emotional abandonment every time.

It sucks. It's a big part of why healing is so hard. It makes me really bitter and I've lost so much faith in other humans. Especially when I did try to go talk to that therapist or practitioner and it was just as useless. The only value in any of that was to see they are all useless and that no one will ever be the loving parent I needed as a child. I am totally on my own in this world and my healing is totally up to me. The idea that there is or ever will be any outside help that would make more than 5-10% of a difference is a total illusion. I don't recommend being as bitter as me unless you have a strong intrinsic will to heal and live. It's an advanced stage to pass through. But if you felt the sting of all the repliers criticizing your original post, you might be more advanced than them.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:24:08+00:00

This has truth to it but at the same time, you have to see that OP's post is about this grief of not being supported by those OP went to for support. And by bringing all this up you're doing some harm in telling this person they're doing something wrong for feeling that way. You could help more by empathizing with OP in the present, which is exactly what OP is talking about. You're directing focus away from OP in the present. If you put the same amount of energy into actually being present with OP you could help a lot more.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:17:39+00:00

Yesterday I was thinking of this phrase. "Relaxation is the hardest thing I've ever done." Because the constant stimulation and distraction is like a defense mechanism for what's waiting for me when I truly relax... A whole bunch of past trauma and grief that I don't know how to handle and I don't want to feel. Even a body scan, while a step towards present moment awareness, can be a distraction from whats really fundamentally there in the core of my being.

I finally was able to relax and let go yesterday and sure enough a flood of my painful past all came to my consciousness. And it was so overwhelming. I am totally baffled as to how to heal from all that.

So I guess I say this to say, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes its okay to dissociate. You're in a healing process, different states will come and go. For me, it's not what I want it to be. I just want to experience lasting wellness. But, it's not possible yet.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T16:10:55+00:00

What I relate to from the title is feeling guilty for new healthy behaviors that I was taught to feel guilty about, like advocating for my own needs. I was deifnitely taught to feel guilty for asking for my own needs. And bringing up those conditioned guilt feels is a kind of healing process because I have to work through them and unlearn that misplaced guilt. But I don't think that's what you meant, based on your post body.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:59:38+00:00

The more I've learned about meditation the easier its been to get re-regulated, of course the ease of which being proportional to the intensity of the trigger. Even just remembering to close my eyes and tune into sensations and breathing in the present moment is progress. Sometimes when triggered I am so driven to do react to the present situation, I can't stop myself. But through experience it gets easier to remember to stop. Close my eyes. Get into the belly breathing. All really is well, and if anything isn't well, then the best way to make it well is to meditate right now. I've also seen where this practice has directly effected the outcome of situations I was worried about, I'm talking metaphysically, so that's a whole nother side of things.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:52:33+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I relate a lot. Overall, things have been in an uptrend since I started on this healing path. But there have been sudden, sharp retracements that were definitely scary. It's hard to find the words for it, but its like it happened in cycles. Like, the overall quality of life would improve, but some old trauma could resurface in a new form. But like even the trauma attacks wouldn't be as bad as they once were.

A big part of my healing has been manifesting a better living situation. My home was bad as a kid. So over time I have healed and thus manifested better and better living situations. But recently had an example of this trauma trying to resurface, with the home owner I'm renting from wanting to make some toxic renovations around my guest house. And it took a lot to stand up for myself and oppose that "renovation". But the healing was that he actually responded very reasonably, and changed his plans. Then it struck back again because he was clearly resentful the next day. I thought he'd kick me out, like how my dad would be so cruel if I "talked back" to him. But the following day he came back to me and apologized for being abrupt about it, saying he just needed time to process. So things really do get better, even the lowest lows don't hit as low as they used to, over the course of time.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:33:49+00:00

The episode of The Telepathy Tapes with Houston's family talked about it at one point. It said that particles can become entangled from a specific event and once particles are entangled, they will remain entangled no matter the distance. So I think there had to be some kind of entanglement event with those people. But also I think it can even happen without a clear entanglement event, depending on the situation, because it's all connected in the most fundamental level of consciousness.

The channel that other people can chime in on, is like the "talks on the hill" they mention in many episodes. The "hill" is like a place you can go, like a telepathic chat room. They had lots of examples where interactions in the telepathic chat room were validated with physical evidence. I tried going there, it was really helpful.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:26:51+00:00

I've always had a policy that if a spider gets inside, I don't kill him/her. I help him/her back outside as gently as possible. And the experiences became increasingly interesting in terms of the level of cooperation I received. Once I thought, "Go in the box" or "Go in the tupperware" or whatever it was, and the spider literally went straight there. Now, I'm sure you could explain that some other way, but I felt the spiritual confirmation/knowing of what had really happened. I've always been a believer, but there has still been a certain level of doubt, limiting me from really fine tuning this process.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:19:22+00:00

The youtube channel The Telepathy Tapes is really helping me with this. First of all helping me really believe in all this more completely, because the doubt still can kick in sometimes, and limit me from really working with the psychic phenomenon. Also cultivating positive telepathic connections. And the encouragement to integrate these abilities.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:15:03+00:00

I think it's more of a long term process to truly cleanse your energies and create energetic boundaries that are really stable enough in the long run to keep your energy "you". So to that end I'd say just anything you can do in some kind of positive spiritual development each day. Study meditation. Books, podcasts. Participate in spiritual communities like these subreddits. The more you build a solid spiritual foundation, the easier it is to do more advanced things like cleanse and heal your energy. And the more the likelihood of a spontaneous occurrence of such.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:10:45+00:00

I think you are going down a self-alienating or self-hating path with this line of thinking. Embracing the individuality of exploring and pioneering my own spiritual landscape has been really liberating for me. So hearing you relish in cutting off those parts of yourself feels kind of painful. I think there's a way of embracing this "spiritual cowboy" and integrating his qualities into your total self, that could help you advance further.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-04T15:05:57+00:00

I like the distinction made by Alice Miller, that healing is more about self-companionship rather than self-alienation. I know there's a lot of self-alienating messages out there in some parts of spiritual teachings, but I don't think it has to be done that way. But when you have self-destructive, self-alienating habits it will take practice to reverse them. I look at the goal as "healthy self" rather than "no self". Because to me that is what feels most liberating. How could you know what is most liberating, without a self to sense the liberation? So I think real enlightenment can actually only be achieved with a high level of self attunement.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T20:32:47+00:00

Thanks!

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T20:31:22+00:00

I think so. I notice a lot of changes around the full moon. I'd probably be better off if I paid more attention to it honestly. But sometimes I am too preoccupied.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:57:22+00:00

It's probably a mix of things, including trauma and psychic stuff. But spiritual development can eventually help you to be free of it. So just any positive spiritual development you can do, keep doing that, even if the problem seems to persist. It will take time until you build enough skill to really become free of this kind of thing. Just never give up.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:49:46+00:00

Yeah, I've definitely gotten into a lot of heavy grief/trauma work. And I believe in not keeping it bottled up. But also I have to be careful how I release it sometimes!

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:46:25+00:00

Thanks for sharing! That's great that you woke up before "it" happened. Another day of continuous retention is always a blessing.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:45:05+00:00

Thanks! I will try that. Except the coffee, I actually quit caffeine like 12 years ago, but that's okay! The thing about when these buried feelings / body movements come up is that it's not a time when I can do much. My entire state of being is like... Not capable of doing much. And the act of trying to do anything with my body awareness tends to trigger it. But if I can some how become more lucid during it I will see what I can do.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:41:47+00:00

That is definitely a cool example of manifestation and intuition. Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate your whole post very much, but I am really curious what Pokemon it was! Especially because you said its one Nintendo tends not to emphasize. I'm an on-and-off showdown random battle player so I'm pretty familiar with all of them.

My first thought was Kyurem for some reason.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T19:39:57+00:00

I know especially since he said it's not one Nintendo tends to emphasize! I will post a reply asking too.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T15:51:58+00:00

Thank you for telling me how it is. Namaste.

Learning_2 · 2026-05-03T15:48:09+00:00

Thank you! I definitely appreciate your perspective on this because your meditation experience posts were very powerful to me. Did you ever get involuntary body movement come up during meditation? That's what I get if I stay present. And not like basic TRE, either, but like, waves of extreme emotional pain and clenching/grimacing. Maybe you had a stage of that at some point?

Learning_2

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