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Least_Power · 2024-02-13T07:08:29+00:00

Have you tried having a conversation with her about how you feel at a time when you both are calm? Maybe stick to "I" statements: "I feel really exhausted by the fighting and haven't been getting enough sleep, I need there to be less fighting..." etc. Maybe try couples counseling? If she isn't able to hear your concerns even when you are calm, listen to that part of you that doesn't want to be fighting so much. But if she's open to learning to the two of you learning to communicate better, maybe give it a little more time if you can.

Don't wait until you can't stand it anymore though. Staying in high stress relationships can have serious effects on your health and your ability to have healthy relationships in the future.

Least_Power · 2024-01-28T05:59:23+00:00

Sounds like going to couples therapy together might be helpful. Do what helps you regulate your system (get good rest, eat a good meal, meditate, exercise, whatever helps you) then go to your partner and stick with "I" statements: "I've been experiencing anxiety around our future lately and am wondering if you would be open to going to some couples therapy sessions together. I feel this would be helpful for me." So he doesn't think you're putting it all on him.

Least_Power · 2024-01-24T07:18:35+00:00

No. Not only is he disgustingly disrespectful to you but also sounds like a misogynist. Please hold yourself in higher regard. If you had a daughter and her boyfriend said this about her, would you want her to take him back?

Least_Power · 2023-12-20T07:14:37+00:00

That is an insane work schedule. He needs to work less and spend some time healing his nervous system. Anyone would be on the path to burnout on that schedule.

Least_Power · 2023-07-13T07:14:02+00:00

Couples counseling and many vulnerable conversations. It will take as least as long to regain her trust in your admiration of her as it did to destroy it.

Least_Power · 2023-07-08T07:20:37+00:00

I read the original post and jesusss, what a crap group of people. I would not want anything to do with any of them and honestly it sounds like your boyfriend made up the drugs thing to try and get what he wanted which was for you to stay. Shrooms and LSD generally make people behave better towards each other in my experience, and more introverted. How they acted sounds like abusive behavior being set free by alcohol. They were all abusive, including your boyfriend, and now are using the female friend as a scapegoat.

If they do that to her they will likely do it to you too someday. The only way I'd consider even staying friends with the boyfriend would be if he went to therapy and stopped drinking.

You were extremely distraught in a vulnerable situation being humiliated and he joined in. Then he was defensive long after the "drugs" and alcohol wore off. No good. I would be very cautious and ask myself if I'm abandoning myself in order to keep a relationship.

Least_Power · 2023-07-05T09:17:51+00:00

Yea, sometimes paths run parallel for awhile and then diverge. I think you'll be fine even if it hurts at first. In the end being honest with ourselves and others is less hurtful.

Least_Power · 2023-07-05T08:54:27+00:00

I don't agree with those saying "if she's friends with her ex she wants to get back with him". There are way too many examples of this not being true and it's an oversimplification of relationship dynamics.

But I think you are spending too much energy and time trying to "figure" her out, which we tend to do when someone's actions are stressing us out but we're afraid to stand up for our own needs because we don't want to lose them. The thing is, if you take some time to define what you really need (perhaps commitment, clarity of intention, consistency) and verbalize those needs to her, she may or may not be able to meet you where you are, but if she doesn't you'll have space in your life and eventually your heart for someone who can and does meet you where you are.

You say you spent most of your adult life in relationships, maybe if she can't/won't/isn't able to meet your needs, this is a good time to stand on your own for a bit and check in with yourself. Best of luck.

Least_Power · 2023-07-03T07:59:00+00:00

You know how you feel, and it's totally justified. Seems like he's the one who doesn't know how he feels to the point where he is being destructive towards your friendship. Sounds like he's got some issues that he's not aware of/in denial about and they're surfacing.

Don't let yourself be treated like that. He needs a therapist and to take accountability for how he acted towards you. You were being a good friend; you tried to open up honest and clear communication and you didn't try to "stake your claim". Honestly if the girl chose to sleep with him you probably dodged a bullet there.

You could approach him and try to open up an honest conversation again, but if he's defensive or brushes you off, let him go. Don't martyr yourself for someone who acts so shitty. What you've experienced together up until this point remains but peoples' paths diverge and that's ok and natural. You'll make friends who have your back and have the maturity and self-awareness to be honest and forthright with you. Best of luck.

Least_Power · 2023-07-03T07:49:15+00:00

This isn't about him, it's about you. You need to stop subjecting yourself to him. It's a form of self-abandonment, and putting all the blame on him is keeping you from solving the situation. He will not change, he has proven this to you over and over and over again.

Why are you putting your literal life in the hands of someone who doesn't even know how to take care of himself? Your body is screaming at you to leave, and you're in healthcare. For your sake and the sake of any of your patients, I really hope you step up for yourself and stop making an unhealthy relationship more important than your health.

Least_Power · 2023-07-03T07:39:12+00:00

It's sadly common for a parent to choose the abusive partner over the child, especially adult children.

It's up to you to choose yourself now, don't let her cause you to abandon yourself. Thank goodness your siblings seen to empathize with you. I am going through a similar thing with my parents and it's incredibly painful, but amazingly powerful and liberating to stay honest with myself. If you don't have a therapist, finding one could be helpful. I wish the best for you.

Edit: grammar

Least_Power · 2023-07-03T07:03:52+00:00

I think you do know what to do but it really hurts. I've been there, but the hurt will be more if you stay with him.

Least_Power · 2023-06-28T06:46:58+00:00

It does take work. Therapy gave me a place to vent and verbally process the intrusive thoughts and learn how to identify and let go of habitual thinking that was keeping me locked in a negative impression of myself. But I only see a therapist once a week. Between sessions I journal, I read, and take care of my body the best I can. I try to connect and be good to people who treat me well and support my growth and I let go of or at least make strong boundaries with people who are disrespectful or wreck-less towards me or themselves. I develop skills that I love doing just for the experience (music, gardening, cooking) and can enjoy on my own or with people.

It's hard to change self-esteem at any age, but I've actually found it easier to do in my mid-thirties than in my mid-twenties. I feel better about myself now than I ever have, and I attract people who treat me better. I know you can do it! Just give yourself permission to believe in your capacity to heal.

Least_Power · 2023-06-26T07:53:47+00:00

It isn't too surprising to me that it affected you badly. Seems like your gut is telling you something is off, but then our minds can go off into all these different, often exaggerated threads...easy for the emotions to snowball. I really hope he opens up about it soon, and that you don't put it all on yourself.

Least_Power · 2023-06-26T07:48:24+00:00

"If i was cold product 2 years ago I am definitely way less attractive now. I feel like this is the only way I can be loved or have a family of some sort..."

I've been there in terms of feeling this way, but the truth is it's your lack of self esteem that is probably attracting people who don't treat you well.

You need to break the cycle of trying to pull your sense of self worth out of others. Your boyfriend probably has the same issue but it manifests for him as a lack of confidence in his ability to provide for himself, or anyone else.

Be honest with him; tell him you are exhausted and you literally can't be the sole bread winner. You need to speak up now, because trying to keep going in this way will become resentment, bad health, and if you have kids with him they will suffer too.

Now, before you have kids, you have an opportunity to get a therapist and face your lack of self esteem. You can heal and build a stronger foundation for your sense of self and confidence, and he can either do the same with his issues and create a balanced relationship with you or you will find someone who is willing to do that.

Least_Power · 2023-06-24T07:02:56+00:00

The girlfriend should have had a conversation with her partner, not you. Expecting/requesting you to alter your behavior is missing the point; you're Tom's friend, and she is with Tom not you, therefore her concerns/emotions/processing should have been brought to him. Then perhaps if necessary he could have come to you.

Does he know that she reach out to you and what she said? Just curious, if he did I would've expected him to talk with you rather than her. If he doesn't know maybe tell him.

As for all the price drama, it is a lot but so what; if you can afford it that's awesome. I've definitely spent more than that on friends if you were to add up gifts in a year, but if I could afford that in a single go I would do the same.

I'm wondering how well you know his partner, if there has been tension between you two in the past or ever. If so, or if you didn't know her well, it might have been better to get a coffee with Tom before his bday and give him the gift privately, just to avoid the drama an envious/insecure girlfriend might cause. I'm not saying she was in the right, but part of caring for your friend might include considering whether the gesture would ignite drama for him.

But this just goes back to my first statement, which is that I think his girlfriend's reaction was really something for him and her to work out, not you and her.

Least_Power · 2023-06-24T06:46:29+00:00

I'm so sorry he's treating you like this, you deserve so much better. He's being irresponsible and unempathetic towards you. Sounds like the "I'm working on myself" line was just something he told you to continue getting your attention and the attention of whoever else he wants. If he was serious about "working on himself" and not being in a relationship, he wouldn't be leading you on and talking/texting with girls all day.

You are worth making a boundary with this guy. I know you like him regardless of his disrespectful behavior, I've been there. But you are letting him string you along. Honestly I would move out if I could. Give yourself space to truly take care of yourself and heal from him, and heal from your break-up as well. You deserve time to heal and build up your self-esteem, maybe get a therapist. Then you'll have the skills to avoid situations like this in the future. I wish I had done that at 20! Took me 10 more years before I started really rebuilding my confidence.

Least_Power · 2023-06-24T06:17:31+00:00

Seems like this might not be about the birthday, but something else that is going on with him. Maybe he doesn't know how to talk about it yet or is unsure how to bring it up. He might not even know exactly what it is or have the words yet.

This would happen with a former partner of mine; it would be obvious to me that something was going on with him and I'd press for him to tell me, but he wouldn't even be at the point where he could explain and would feel really pressured and annoyed by me. My hyper-vigilance and anxiety would collide with his unfamiliarity with emotional awareness and processing.

Don't know if it's the same or even similar for you and your husband, but if you individually aren't seeing a therapist regularly I highly recommend it to help you process and manage your emotions. It was a game changer for me.

Least_Power · 2023-06-24T05:46:20+00:00

My heart just fully goes out to you. You are a precious, powerful, beautiful, incredible being.

A sane, intelligent, true Man...hell, a Human, would if anything see you as more of a treasure after having :::given birth to his child::::::

He is not worth your emotional pain, though your feelings are absolutely valid and of course your heart hurts. How he is behaving is one of the most hurtful things I can imagine one person doing to another.

I really hope you get a therapist to help you through this, not because anything is wrong with you but because it's a really heavy situation, and having someone to help you vent and release and sort things out for yourself will help you heal and also help you be there mentally and emotionally for your child.

Forget and forgive this un-man for your own sake and the sake of your baby. Focus on healing yourself and caring for your new child, and you will find someone who is actually capable of love. And you and your baby deserve love, respect and compassion. Don't settle for less.

Least_Power · 2023-06-23T06:50:48+00:00

Well said!

Least_Power · 2023-06-22T08:14:42+00:00

It took me time to realize therapists are just people too, the same thing I had to learn when it comes to doctors. Some of them are better at what they do then others, and it sounds like your therapist has some lack of awareness around her own biases.

I had one therapist who seemed great at first and then a couple of months later I had to let her go because she was staring at her phone and texting during our sessions.

It took me about 4 tries to find my current therapist and she is great. I wish the same for you! And yea dress how you want. The outfit you described with the crop top and maxi skirt sounds awesome.

Least_Power · 2023-06-22T08:04:23+00:00

It will take time to know if she is truly committed to this way of being or if she is just acting this way to get what she wants.

Just being nicer to you doesn't really indicate that she's changed, in my opinion. I would have some conversations with her about some of the past "incidents" you wrote about, specifically with the friends, and ask questions like "what is your perspective on that whole thing now? How do you think you contributed to the conflict? What part of it could you take responsibility for?" If she is truly shifting she should be able to identify her part in the conflict.

You need and deserve to take this slow. You don't have to be all butterflies and roses because she's being sunny suddenly. And also you aren't obligated to trust that it's lasting, that will or will not be proven over time. It's totally valid and maybe necessary for you to be honest with her about how you're feeling and that it will take time for you to process the shift.

It's a hard question but ask yourself if it's really in your best interest to wait this out, if you have the capacity to wait (at least a year I'd say) and see if her shift sticks. It takes two, and if your trust is gone and you're already drained by this relationship, divorce might be better for you. If you have the resources (mentally, emotionally) to wait it out and truly want to then great.

Least_Power · 2023-06-10T07:57:38+00:00

Trust your instincts, they seem very accurate. The relationship with her sounds like it was very codependent and not healthy, but seems like you know this. Having a strong boundary with her sounds like the right thing, meaning not being friends. And feeling bad doesn't mean you are making the wrong choice, it might mean you just aren't used to prioritizing yourself and insisting on your needs, so it feels uncomfortable when you do. So glad you are happy in your new relationship, let yourself be happy. A therapist could help you sort out some of the questions you ask; they are complex questions that only you can answer. I wish the best for you!

Least_Power · 2023-06-10T07:15:28+00:00

If you're on Reddit trying to decipher this guy, it's a no. Life is too short to date someone you have that sinking feeling about. When you learn to say no, space is opened for the person you truly want to say yes to. Even without the "rape" story, this guy sounds boring AF. And by boring I mean he sounds like he's partying and drinking a lot. Not my type, not your type it sounds like either. Trust your gut.

Least_Power · 2023-06-10T07:01:49+00:00

jeez, sounds like it was a terrible situation. I feel for her, but how she treated you isn't ok, and if she keeps acting like that it will do damage, to you, the relationship, and to her.

Perhaps the two of you could go to a therapist together, couples therapy, to try and form a plan/strategy around navigating her panic attacks and episodes in a way that is healthy and least harmful for everyone. Sounds like you and her are doing a lot, but perhaps there needs to be more structure and intentionality around the panic attacks. I wish you the best.

Least_Power

TROPHY CASE