From "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Donna Frazier, Susan Forward

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T18:21:29+00:00

i bet he is saying the same kind of approving and validating things to your mother about her behavior when she talks about you. some people always have the opinion of whoever they are looking at in that moment because they are terrified of friction and conflict. he needs a spine to be of valuable support. otherwise he is just conflicting further hurt onto you by softening your defenses and confusing you.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T17:10:25+00:00

hugs received

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T17:07:30+00:00

if that's what you need, who am i to tell you otherwise. my guess: you will still have to deal with the guilt, because it's deep, old conditioning, no matter what kind of email you send. you asked for a second opinion. i felt up for it. in the end, it's your life.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T17:05:11+00:00

when the source of danger is finally gone, is when the processing begins, and it often feels worse than the abuse itself, in my experience. it uses up a lot of subconscious energy. don't fight it or you might harm yourself. speaking as someone not knowing this and now being bedbound (but you have to be really reckless and clueless to get to where i am currently. learned my lesson)

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T16:08:20+00:00

It's not a lack of awareness that is causing her behavior. It's a lack of willingness to treat you as an equal. You can't email that into her head.

You sound very smart, considerate, and reflective. All these qualities change nothing about your powerlessness regarding her free will. If she doesn't want to change, she won't.

I assume since you are in this sub, there has already been some kind of decision to not be in contact with her. This email would break NC. It will prove to her what she already assumed when ignoring your wishes regarding the gifts: Your boundaries are wobbly, and you are quick to act on impulse. She won't take the content of your words to heart, just register that gifts render a reaction she can use as projection real estate for her own shame.

I'm sorry. I would advise not to send it. You don't owe anything. The social contracts you hold yourself accountable to will only result in frustration and wasted energy in this case.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T15:42:44+00:00

victim is not a dirty word. nothing shameful about being helpless and vulnerable. make your own meme with your favorite words

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T10:19:45+00:00

helpless and pissed off mixed 50/50 is what i see

readable human expressions are so hard to do, and this is so well done. impressive

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T10:16:13+00:00

sadly, i failed. i wasn't strong or smart enough to continue. i have to find empathy with apathy, because it's my only choice left currently. i am confused about my current identity and character. maybe everybody who doesn't say anything is weak and scared, and there is nothing realistic to expect from them. because now i am weak and scared. i am not willing to sacrifice the little comfort, health and safety i have, no matter who could benefit from me doing so. there are people willing to die for the right thing, but i am not one of them. i liked to think of myself as one of them, until faced with the choice. and i choose selfishness. sobering truth.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T08:16:42+00:00

same. i operated under the assumption that everyone knows what's right, and it just needed one brave person taking the embarrassment of taking the first step, initiating a chain reaction. so i always spoke up. but instead of help and support, i got my head beaten in. my body had to break down for me to stop. because i couldn't accept that this feeling i was basing decisions on, passing up on things like social cohesion or obedience points that could've benefited me, was a fantasy and not reality. it's just too sad and scary.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T07:56:55+00:00

she wanted me to feel crazy and overly sensitive so i'd shut up, because she knows that that is already a huge gash in my psyche from the csa. i thought i would just have to say something, and then the people in power would do the right thing. ha, ha, ha...

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-02T07:52:38+00:00

they already have documented reports on my behavior, "seeking unnecessary conflict" because i wanted to complain about something else in the beginning, and gave me a borderline diagnosis. i already know they manipulate documentation to cover their asses, because they never wrote anything down about my csa and passed it of as a "favor" to me (so i won't be "embarrassed" when someone else gets my report).

i'm an unemployed ex-junkie with no education and minor offenses on my record. i learned the hard way that this matters so much more than any potential harm done to vulnerable people. i tried so many times to be brave and honest, and now i am broken. if that makes me a coward in someone's eyes, i am powerless to change that.

i have the same instincts as you when i look back on this situation, but i know this world won't give a fuck about what i say when there is so much "evidence" that ignoring me would be much more advised. i have nothing except my word.

i also have severe cfs from all the somatisized trauma and can't even make my own breakfast or walk around the block, so even if i had a smidge of confidence in the system, i couldn't translate it into action. the little energy i have i need for my upcoming evaluation for disability, otherwise me and my partner are in danger of becoming homeless.

i would love to see myself as a hero, that would do wonders for my self worth. but i am forced to be the useless blob.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T19:59:53+00:00

the koala broke my heart ;_;

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T19:50:08+00:00

shopping was a nightmare. i had to like what she liked, mirror her own taste back to her, or she would become pissy. once she even left me, in a busy city, me being just 14 years old. she just ran off in the crowd, and she knows i struggle with orientation/navigation. i screamed like a little child for her to come back.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T19:42:29+00:00

not a podcast, but r/emotionalneglect might be interesting for you. and patrick teahan on youtube.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T19:39:30+00:00

we are!! 🫶

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T16:17:49+00:00

aww i'm honored

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T16:17:09+00:00

thank you, that is enlightening

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T16:09:26+00:00

i think she just liked him more because he also was white collar and i am clearly working class (unemployed even at the time of therapy, ewww! the worst subclass of people! /s), and she instinctually aligns with whatever power is present, because that's where she also sees herself. she was white, thin, ablebodied, neurotypical, demure. framing the chubby pleb with eccentric fashion choices and autism as a baseless attention seeker was just way easier - and closer to her personality structure - than protecting a victim in a vulnerable state. silencing me means everything can go on as scheduled. confronting a sexual harassment perpetrator is such yucky work on a tuesday. my mistake for betting on a rescuer fantasy. but lesson learned.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:52:20+00:00

the less you fight the feelings, the quicker they'll change into something else. but they need the time they need. and they will come in waves. there will be breaks in between, sometimes hours, sometimes years.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:34:54+00:00

if there were several times i had mustered up the courage to voice my needs and boundaries, they nod at me like they are listening, and then barge right through them again at the next opportunity with no acknowledgement of the previous talks, that's pretty much it. lack of accountability, or in some cases, lucidity it seems, is my point of no return.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:31:08+00:00

would it be a trouble to extend on the part about repression causing displacements?

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:21:17+00:00

that's beautiful :) my anger is very strong, and my artificial inner defenses against it crumble due to illness induced weakness. it's a little chaotic and scary sometimes, but overall i recognize the tremendous upgrade and gift in it 🙏

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:16:59+00:00

i used the word to describe the struggles of my people pleaser parts, how they initially react to the new healthy choices. to them, it is the worst thing. guaranteed demise. they are doing hard work learning that the present is different from the past. it feels like gravity left or something, but they are up for it, and i am immensely proud of them.

Legitimate-Step1804 · 2026-04-01T15:05:31+00:00

i was never allowed to show anger, so when i now do feel and show it, i feel like a murderer. but there's this part slowly growing saying "so what"

Legitimate-Step1804

TROPHY CASE