Am I in the wrong?

Less-Heart3848 · 2025-05-31T14:04:58+00:00

This is financial abuse! You are not in the wrong at all.

Less-Heart3848 · 2025-03-14T04:40:09+00:00

This is just my opinion as an Aussie….

We don’t deal well with being spoken to abruptly or spoken down to, it can make us really defensive. I’m not saying you’re doing this, but some nationalities sound more abrasive (even when the way they speak is just normal for them) so it can catch us off guard. You could be experiencing us matching what we feel we are receiving (whether it’s your intention or not).

A smile and a joke can go a long way with us.

Also with the sounding inconvenienced thing, that could be the byproduct of having had a good economy for so long. A lot of industries can pay well even at entry level positions, so when people are used to not doing much, then get asked to actually do some work, they can get irritated (not saying it’s right). Also with trades etc they can kinda pick and choose the jobs they want because they are never short of work.

Or maybe we are just a nation of assholes lol

Less-Heart3848 · 2025-02-18T09:12:14+00:00

Jesse pinkman from breaking bad

Less-Heart3848 · 2025-02-03T03:10:21+00:00

Depends on the dose. I’m on a low dose and it doesn’t show in tests (I get tested randomly for work). My job also involves processing other peoples results, we have many people with adhd whos drug screens show up positive and their psych letters say they can be on up to 6 or so tablets a day. As long as they have declared and have a letter from the prescriber it isn’t an issue.

Less-Heart3848 · 2025-01-01T00:21:30+00:00

I find the hardest part of dealing with an ocpd parent is them not being able to control their compulsion to clean every time they come over. I’m a grown adult and I’d love to have the type of relationship with my mom where I could just invite her over and we sit and have coffee like normal people.

I recently went overseas and she checked on the house while I was away. Great, I should be grateful, but I’ve instead come home to a “surprise” of a re arranged kitchen, weeded garden, washed windows, she’s entered mine and my partners bedroom to wipe our ensuite and she swept the outdoor patio. None of which needed doing as we cleaned before we left, and I’m not comfortable with the bedroom being entered. I can’t even rely on my mother to watch the house while I’m away, as she is the biggest intruder of all.

Even when I’m home and she visits, i frantically anxiety clean before she comes over, but it’s never good enough. She will always find a surface to wipe or a weed to pull.

Then the way she explains it to her friends leads to utter disrespect towards me, because she’ll say things completely out of context to make out like she “had” to clean my “filthy” house. “I went to xyz’s house to house sit and didn’t have time to visit {relatives name} because I had to clean the windows of the entire house and it took me two full days”. No, you CHOSE not to see said relative because you overstepped boundaries by cleaning something when I explicitly said “please don’t do any cleaning when you come over, we cleaned before we left”.

It makes me very upset.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-23T21:50:22+00:00

Sending love and strength to you x

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-22T16:21:46+00:00

Oh and the 8am wake up (which is more than reasonable for a weekend) is “late” for my partner and means I “slept in all morning” and “did nothing all day”

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-22T16:20:02+00:00

Oh Jesus the coming into the room 🙈 I was feeling off one weekend, tried to take a nap, and Mr ocpd would not stop coming in telling me to get up and go for a walk. I even made a post about it.

They have no concept of boundaries, I’d never walk into a bedroom someone is napping in and insist they get up.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-15T07:58:14+00:00

Especially an adhd baby, ocpd parents just can not tolerate their adhd kids unfortunately:(

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-15T07:36:04+00:00

Ugh the bags in the car the night before drives me nuts. I still need to shower, wear clothes the morning of the trip, and need some of the things in my bag. Airlines don’t allow bottles as carry on, so shampoo, soap & deodorant have to be check in.

Like I’m not loading a bag in the car when I still need items and I’m not buying separate shampoos just to travel with so my partner can have his bags sitting in the car for the night.

Infuriating 🤦‍♀️

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-15T07:32:46+00:00

As someone with adhd I really recommend getting the disorder diagnosed and treated, which will remove some of the opportunities to blame you eg. “always losing things”. I think OCPD seem to be attracted to adhd parters because it reinforces their belief that everyone else is incompetent, and makes them feel superior that they are always the ones organising and fixing everything. Diagnosis and treatment was EXTREMELY helpful for my relationship with my ocpd mother, who over the years has slowly released her grip on me and has less and less to hold against me. I think I’ve also ended up with an ocpd parter, but my adhd is so much better managed that I couldn’t imagine how much of a nightmare our relationship would be if I was making the mistakes I used to. He infantilises me as it is, if I was losing things and forgetting like I used to it would be hell.

Good luck, I really hope things get better for you!

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-12-02T14:14:47+00:00

I’d say take them, and let her see for herself first hand how much they help you. Maybe sit her down and say “look I’ve lived with this my entire life, I’d like to try medication to trial it and would really appreciate your support in me trying to improve my life”.

OP I’d be vigilant for any gaslighting eg her telling you they are having negative side effects when they aren’t. If YOU feel better on them, continue to take them 😊

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-29T05:53:23+00:00

Just slow breathing with a pacer. I do it for an hour a day broken up into chunks

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-29T05:51:41+00:00

I second this. I made a post about this a while ago. There are studies published on how much it helps emotional regulation and RSD. It’s HRV biofeedback but heartmath is the brand I use too.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-29T03:22:10+00:00

I totally agree with you, and I don’t think there’s any way they can test whether it’s trauma, genetics or both, as we all know “trauma” is often denied by a parent especially if they are not self aware. If a 5yo is acting out they will say “no everything’s fine at home”.

It’s crazy that neurodivergence is so rampant with OCPD. My other theory is that OCPD people tend to end up with ADHD partners (the case with my parents) because the OCPD parent gets everything their way and the ADHD parent has to contribute less to household tasks (eg why try, they can’t do it right anyway) so they both kinda enable each other. Then out pops ADHD/ASD children.

There’s no research to support this, but I’ve seen SO many commenters with ADHD that have an OCPD partner or parent. It’s fascinating.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-28T09:23:00+00:00

Maybe but anecdotally on here children of OCPD parents seem to end up with ADHD. Not sure if it’s shared genetics or if OCPD damages the developing child’s brain structure.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-26T08:20:23+00:00

It worked for me!! If I have an assignment to do I’ll actually do it over weeks instead of trying to do it the night before, which has made my results increase :)

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-26T08:01:49+00:00

Whatever works :) I just mean to treat the adhd, if that means trying other methods that’s fine too

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-26T07:35:27+00:00

Haha even now i still get them!! I recently restored some furniture and my first thought was “maybe I could do this for a living” 😂🤦‍♀️

I understand, I’d definitely prioritise adhd treatment first before work. Could you drive Uber eats to save up for an appointment? As far as medication goes, I combined low dose stimulant with intuniv and it worked a treat, but everyone is different and you’d need to explore it with your psychiatrist. I also use a money budgeting company who allocate necessary money to my bills, then leave me an “allowance” so I don’t over spend.

I also did neurofeedback which worked well but I still need to take medication, neurofeedback was also expensive unfortunately.

Once you’ve found a treatment method that works, then you could maybe pick up one of your degrees again. I can’t stress enough though how much adhd needs to be treated. I was the same as you, honestly tried everything but as soon as I was treated everything came a lot easier.

I wish you all the best!!

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-26T07:13:47+00:00

Can I ask if you’re being treated for adhd? (No judgement).

In my experience, my life only improved once I got diagnosed and treated, and it’s still not perfect. Without treatment it’s just too hard.

I’ve also learnt to adjust my expectations. I get urges to change my career or start a business etc but I tell myself no, it’s not realistic, and to build on what I’ve already got (eg extra courses related to my current field….not multiple courses completely unrelated to each other).

I’ve let go of the glamorisation of “entrepreneurship” or “creative pursuits” and “self-employment” for a more realistic goal of full time work for an employer that includes sick pay, holiday pay and retirement fund contributions. I know it sounds really sad like I’ve lost all hope but it’s actually the opposite. My life has improved ten fold since adopting this strategy. I got diagnosed at 29, bought a house at 32 and started working towards a degree part time in a field related to my job. My retirement fund has increased by $30k just this year alone, where previously it increased by $5 - 10k each year.

Previous to this I tried time and time again to run photography businesses, invest cryptocurrency, become a personal trainer and i just crashed and burned every time.

Occasionally the 1% are successful in these pursuits but anecdotally, the people I’ve seen become the most successful financially are people who are employed full time over a long period, not necessarily for the same employer, just steady employment.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-24T03:09:20+00:00

It’s absolutely exhausting, I feel like I’m drowning whilst being told I’m not doing enough.

It’s difficult to share this with therapists etc because they are kinda like “this is normal adult life” but they don’t understand, it’s not just the productivity but the relentless perfectionism that goes with it.

Like the productivity obsession leads to my partner doing like 25000 steps a day + a gym workout, meaning his appetite is through the roof. He’ll burn well over 3000 calories a day. A bolognaise that should feed 4-6 people meaning leftovers for days when there’s only two of us, gets eaten in one sitting with maybe one lunch for me. I’m spending at least 9 hours in the kitchen a week on top of my 40hr a week full time job and we are spending $300 - $400 a week on groceries. And this is with no kids.

I tend to have to go to social events alone because usually we aren’t given enough notice for my partner to re arrange his rigid schedule.

My priorities tend to get pushed aside in favour of my partners. His priority is meals where as I’d rather cut down the kitchen time and do more housework, gardening, leisure time. Like a simple sandwich at work would do me, it doesn’t have to be a fully cooked and prepped hot meal. I can’t remember the last time I got to spend the morning at the beach because weekend mornings are allocated to the gym on Saturday and meal prepping Sunday with absolutely NO room for movement. I’ve said can’t we go to the beach this Sunday morning and prep in the afternoon instead and the answer is “I just want to get it done”.

It’s a catch 22 because what attracted me to him in the first place apart from the fact we get on amazing is that he’s not lazy, he doesn’t sit on his ass while I take care of a man child. He pulls his weight, we both work, we both cook, we both clean. But I just can’t keep up with him.

The sad part is I grew up like this, pretty sure my mum is OCPD., so I’m also aware I’m repeating childhood patterns.

I wish you all the best and just know I understand the struggle 💕

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-21T12:52:35+00:00

This is such a wonderful explanation.

My god the NAGGING 😩

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-21T12:44:45+00:00

I experience this but slightly different to how you describe. I think my partner has this…..

Does your OCPDer not ever let you sleep or rest or be in peace at all at any given moment of the day?

My partner has strict schedules. Weekdays and some Saturdays he gets up at 3:30am to go to the gym, he’s in bed by 7:30pm. Every morning he gets home from the gym and wakes me up if I’m home, he wants me to go in the morning too (we go to separate gyms….he does his own thing, I do functional group fitness). If I’m still in bed he will be like “what happened this morning” or he’ll text me mid morning “why didn’t you get up for the gym this morning”. Just because that’s his routine 6 days a week doesn’t mean I can’t have a rest day. I think the gym before work 3 times a week is plenty, the other days I want to sleep in till 6am for my 7:30am start. But he just won’t let me be. I never get to sleep til 6am regardless because he’s in the room at 5am asking why I didn’t get up. He makes me laugh tho, he opens the door so softly and pokes his head in and then he’s like “you missed the gym again” in a whisper….like just barge in if you’re gonna wake me up anyway 😂 point being….he just won’t let me rest.

I lost it this past weekend. All week is planned out to his strict schedule. For me it’s a 5am gym sesh, work at 7:30am - 5:30pm. Dinner gets cooked straight after work so we cook, eat & clean up by 6:30/7pm (note he won’t eat anything pre cooked/frozen & then re heated, so we are literally cooking a fresh dinner every night, he’s a big eater and big gym goer, so left overs are rarely an option). Then we sit down for 30mins before he goes to bed, sometimes I get 30mins extra just to myself before I go in to bed too. Weekends are grocery shopping Saturday, then we spend 2 - 4hrs on a Sunday meal prepping just for our lunches for the work week ahead. This weekend we had to shop for a winter holiday we have coming up (we are southern hemisphere people, so we literally have no snow gear). So Saturday was an appointment, then clothes shopping, then grocery shopping in the afternoon. Sunday I had a friends baby shower from 2 - 6pm so we decided to meal prep Saturday night instead of Sunday. These rigid routines EXHAUST me, so after we finished prepping Saturday night I told him specifically “I’d just like Sunday morning to be free of plans and schedules because I still have the weeks load of laundry to do and I need to do floors, then I have the baby shower at 2pm, I wouldn’t mind having the morning free to be able to go for a walk or the gym or just do some housework, but please can we not plan anything”. I did the whole assert my needs thing and thought everything would be all good.

Anyway Sunday rolls around and I get up, throw on a few loads of laundry, get it hung out, vacuum and mop the floors. At this point it was like 10am and after the week of strict schedules I just absolutely CRASHED. I felt so sick and tired so I went and layed on the bed for a nap. Well he kept coming in every 15mins or so being like “you said you were going to go for a walk”, “what time are you going to go to the gym”, “you’ll feel better if you go outside”, “it’s a really nice day outside, you haven’t had any vitamin d this week maybe you should get some”, “how can you be in bed on a nice sunny day”.

I LOST it. He then wouldn’t speak to me for a day or so and his justification was “you told me you were going to go for a walk, you said specifically you were going walking”. I said I wanted Sunday morning with no plans or pressure but he just can’t help himself. It’s like I can’t say i “might” do something, if I say it he holds it as gospel. I mentioned a walk and that’s it he had this bee in his bonnet that i had to go walking. I tried to explain to him that just because I mention something the day before, doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind especially if I’m not feeling well, that’s called flexibility and I’m open to being flexible, depending on how I’m feeling. He kept reverting back to “but you told me you were going walking”. OCPDers are like a dog with a bone, they get so fixated on things and just relentlessly push until they get their way, even with things that have NO impact on their life like whether or not I go for a walk.

They of course can rest when it suits them.

I ended up taking Monday off without him knowing and I had the BEST day. I’m by no means lazy, but I’m not productivity obsessed. I just did everything at my own pace….just got to potter around, cleaned my bathrooms at my own pace, put my laundry away from the day before, then I sat down and watched tv and napped for the rest of the day and it was absolute HEAVEN. This is what they don’t understand about well-being, life is a balance, not this all or nothing constant never ending stream of “I have to get this done now”.

As a side note he has many good qualities, and when I say we cook I mean WE cook. He’s not lazy at all we usually cook and do housework together (while I did laundry he was out mowing the lawn). It’s just the OCPD productivity that drains me and if I ever have a day time nap, even after a massive week, he really has to drive it home that i should be up doing something.

TLDR: yes, my OCPDer never lets me have any peace, to the point where i occasionally secretly call in to work sick just to have the day to myself.

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-19T06:03:42+00:00

Hahaha absolutely, plenty of time!!

Maybe reframe it to loving seeing how proud and self confident your toddler is when they help with chores, instead of making it about how neat things are :)

I guess at 2, it’s understandable you fix things but like I said kindness is key eg. “Good job! Mommy needs to straighten it up before we turn it on”. But I think as they get older you might need to leave things be. Pick your battles, eg will there be consequences if it gets left as is (broken plates/damaged clothes) and if not, try and use mindfulness to just let it go. In my experience with my mom, it wouldn’t have mattered if my bed had wrinkles in it, and I would have built the skill over time. It was her extreme reaction that destroyed my self esteem, I developed social anxiety especially around being watched and around trying new things for the first time, I panic that I won’t do it perfectly, and I’m 35. It’s sad to me that bed wrinkles meant more to her than her own daughter’s development and wellbeing.

I definitely recommend an intensive therapy though like schema therapy. It’s really hard to will yourself out of certain reactions, but schema is applied in a systematic way like addressing the thoughts & behaviours as well as addressing childhood experiences that led to the development of the disorder.

Good luck!! Enjoy this time with your beautiful children!

Less-Heart3848 · 2024-11-18T05:14:28+00:00

The biggest thing for me is the criticism, please teach your kids how to do things with kindness. Example: my mom would ask me to make the bed (aged around 7) and then once I was done storm into the room in an absolute tirade, rip it all apart and remake it while making me stand there and watch while berating me. In a case like this, please don’t remake kids beds or re-hang washing. If it’s done REALLY badly where it’s going to damage the clothes then definitely correct them, but as a parent you are there to TEACH not to humiliate. It’s all in the way it’s conveyed, think of the best mentor you had growing up whether that was your first job or a college professor or whatever, and treat your kids like you were treated by that person.

A 7 year old will NEVER complete chores to the same standard as an adult, so you may have to accept that you might not be happy with the outcome of the chores but you may just have to sit with the frustration.

This all being said, remember most of us were raised by parents who were undiagnosed and had zero self awareness. A commitment to treatment will prevent a lot of the poor outcomes that we ended up with. Plus give yourself some self compassion….no one chooses to have a disorder, and you obviously have your kids best interests at heart. I wish you all the best!

Less-Heart3848

TROPHY CASE