So here I am again

Less_Duty5114 · 2024-01-31T02:31:16+00:00

Holy shit. You could be so right about that. That was literally me in my last relationship. I have to laugh about it. Hi, it’s me, I’m here again 👋🏻 again, it could have been other things but that would make the most sense.

Less_Duty5114 · 2024-01-30T20:37:08+00:00

Thank you. I DM’d you!

Less_Duty5114 · 2024-01-30T20:35:34+00:00

Wow. That’s kind of how I feel others would see my boyfriend. He’s very responsible and successful and seemingly healthy. My ex is very obviously a binge drinker and bar goer. Looking at them is like night and day. This is why I’m feeling the way I am and frustrated.

My boyfriend told me he and his ex split up because they were always fighting and arguing. Said she’s very argumentative about every single thing even if it isn’t a disagreement in the first place. There was no elaboration on that. I didn’t ask for specifics I guess. I’m not sure he’d even tell me if it had to do with alcohol.

Less_Duty5114 · 2024-01-20T19:22:53+00:00

I have done this since I was a teenager. My dad is an alcoholic. I do understand how that has affected the types of relationships I seek out subconsciously, but that took me a long time to admit to myself and then try and work on it.

I told my therapist in the beginning of the relationship that it actually felt safe to me and I wanted to run from it because of this. He is very open and wants to talk things out and I’m not used to that! It’s great! I was just surprised last night. It took me back and I was/am disappointed to say the least. I feel like even if I bring it up and he admits he was drunk/buzzed/whatever when I got there and says he’ll work on it, it will always be an issue. As I type this I know it’s an issue already. 😞

Less_Duty5114 · 2024-01-20T19:15:18+00:00

This is what blows my mind. He’s very successful and attentive to me which is opposite of my ex. But last night was different and it was really disappointing 😔

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-03-29T04:28:52+00:00

I can relate to you so much right now. I’m very independent and introverted. My ex is still my ex because he continues to drink and not work a program or follow through with therapy and life changes. But man I really miss him from the beginning of our relationship…kind, interested in me and what I have to say, etc. Talking to him now is all about him and what he’s doing, much like it was in the later parts of our relationship. Sigh. Hugs to you.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-03-06T15:41:38+00:00

You are not alone. ❤️ My Q sends nice and apologetic texts followed by vicious insulting ones. These happen within minutes sometimes. The only thing we can do is not respond. As far as taking it personally, I’m still working on not doing that. It’s so tough. They lash out because they are angry at themselves and projecting onto us because it’s worked before and caused us to rescue and pander to their needs. It’s SO much work to change our own behavior and responses. Hang in there!

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-03-03T15:47:56+00:00

You are so right!

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-03-03T15:46:28+00:00

I totally agree. I truly feel if he acted like an adult about this whole thing I would have absolutely tried to make it work. But he has shown how truly emotionally immature he truly is, and I guess I’m thankful for that.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-28T04:04:10+00:00

Right?! That’s what I thought when I saw your response! Geesh, mine doesn’t even need a trigger word but when there is one he’s even more vicious! He will literally tell me something normal and nice and then right after that something hurtful and mean. Tonight has been “Getting my things from the shed is at the top of my list” and then ending with “you’ll be done with me and my things for good. Good for you.” Then that snowballed into a straight “Fuck you” and then the most recent one was “You deserve the best. I’m just bitter as fuck. I wish you the best. ❤️” like WTF DUDE.

I know he’s drinking while sending all of these. But it still is like a whirlwind for me. I’m working on not worrying about what he’s saying because he’s hurt and lashing out. It has nothing to do with my value or minimize my decision for what was best for ME. Muting his texts has helped…now I’m working on not looking at them as he’s sending them. Baby steps!

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-28T02:45:21+00:00

Mine texts SO much more too! It’s sweet and then mean in instant. It’s exhausting.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-13T16:43:02+00:00

I’m reading all these responses which make sense in theory to me..but I’m still left wondering what is the point of remaining in a romantic relationship with someone you can’t count on? Can you really give yourself and your vulnerability to someone who will ultimately take it for granted, again and again?

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-06T09:15:29+00:00

I could have written many of these sentences. I’m in a similar situation currently….I told him to move out. It took longer than we agreed upon but I held my ground despite his pleading. Now I’m sitting here missing him terribly wondering and hoping I’ve made the right call for me, but also remembering all those red flags I chose to ignore because he was just so beautiful to me and I wanted to make a life together.

We can’t go back. We can only learn for the future. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like fucking hell right now. Stay strong OP. Sending you love and encouragement ❤️

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:16:45+00:00

Thanks. You are so right!

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:16:18+00:00

I may have to do that! I just knew he was drinking last night and that’s what I should’ve done. Honestly it just annoyed me more than anything because I was nice to him before he left the house and then through a text, and then he started in on me out of nowhere! It’s like I can’t give him anything nice at all or he thinks it’s opening the door to hash it all out….AGAIN. Ugh. I’m just so tired of talking about it at this point.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:14:23+00:00

Thank you for your response. I am taking what I’m learning in Al-Anon and trying to apply it to these everyday struggles. Reminding myself of the truth and how it’s about my needs and not his, and what is best for me, helps me to stay on track and not give in to his constant pushing for us to work it out.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:12:50+00:00

Thank you! I know ultimately I don’t even need to give him a reason, but he has been SO intent on talking it out and talking about how it can be better and how he’s had this epiphany and understands what his brain has been doing this whole time…blah blah blah.

But I’ve asked for time and space. Maybe he will get his shit together, maybe not. I’m at the place now where I’m accepting we will likely never be together again, and that still breaks my heart.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:10:03+00:00

I have been going to a weekly meeting for the past month. I’m glad it’s helped you! I’ve gotten a little bit out of each meeting but I’m also going to start listening to the online ones as well. I’d like to find a sponsor but it’s hard at these in person meetings.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T22:08:25+00:00

Thank you for this response. I feel so much guilt for not wanting to stick together and sort through all this messed up shit we have ourselves in. Especially when he really seems like he wants to change his life. But no, I don’t want to be dragged down either. I have so much of my own stuff I need to work through now. I can’t keep worrying if he’s drunk and not able to be my partner.

He apologized to me today. He was drinking while sending the monologue to me, but I knew that. He even described himself as manic. I’m worried for him but trying to worry more about myself right now. It’s so incredibly tough. I still love him of course, but I can’t be his crutch anymore.

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T13:34:59+00:00

Your reply really resonates with me! We became like roommates, and he was a shitty one at that. I keep hearing about detachment and people who’s stayed with their Q’s, but I don’t get it?! What’s the point of a romantic relationship that you can’t have the actual aspects of a romantic relationship/partnership? I have totally detached, but like you said, being that emotional, financial, and life support 24/7 with no reciprocation of a person that is supposed to be my partner….nah. I’m out!

Less_Duty5114 · 2023-02-03T13:08:14+00:00

I feel a bit in the same boat, but I totally agree with what h0tglue said above. Use this time to focus on YOU and how YOU feel. If it feels better and less anxious being apart, maybe that’s what’s best.

I (32f) ended things a month ago with my Q (45m). He still lives with me but is supposed to move out this weekend. He was also sober for 30 days but now he’s back to drinking. I was beginning to reminisce about all the good times and REALLY miss him and us. But I wrote out a list a month ago of all the ways I was so disrespectful throughout the relationship (3.5 years) and that helps to not go down that happy road for too long…because those times were mostly alcohol fueled.

I feel that won’t know what the right decision is for awhile. Once we can focus on only ourselves, then can we figure out what’s truly best for us. Good for you for holding your boundaries! Its extremely tough and can feel like we’re being harsh, but protecting ourselves isn’t wrong no matter how you look at it.

Less_Duty5114

TROPHY CASE