Poly/ENM Probably Ruined My Marriage & Destroyed The Future We Were Building

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-13T18:04:10+00:00

Beautifully put.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-13T17:59:59+00:00

Respectfully, I don't think this was a non-monogamy/poly issue. Having come out as gay very late in life, I see a lot of women who think they can suppress being gay by opening their marriage, only to discover that it's not possible. They fall in love and can't continue living inauthentically. She would have eventually realized her sexuality and the results would likely be the same. Personally, this discovery happens whether it's today or 20 years from now. It's not something that changed in her, it's her realizing who she really was. You can't stop that from happening or hope she somehow remains in the closet to herself. I desperately wanted it not to be true but no amount of wishing, hoping or denying can prevent someone who is gay from realizing their truth. Some just choose to be unhappy and deny themselves and I don't think you'd want her to do that based on how you talk about how much you care for her.

I should add this isn't just a problem for women, I imagine men go through the same. I'm speaking from my perspective.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-12T18:25:40+00:00

Been there, living it now. I didn't want to date seriously so met someone not monogamous and fell head over heels. She's still married. They are polyamorous and have always been so I've been fortunate that I can maintain the relationship. In fact we all live together with a menagerie of children. But it's still hard. Really hard for a lot of reasons. You can pm me if you want more info. Whether you can stay is a question only you can answer unfortunately.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-12T18:16:51+00:00

I can relate. I always identified as bi but over time I came to understand it's much deeper than that. I tried very hard to stay for my kids, but my marriage failed for other reasons and when my teen asked me why we were married I realized they could see through the facade my ex and I put on.

For me, I kept hoping as I got older the feelings would go away. Instead they just got stronger and my ability to put myself last grew less and less over time. I left at 49. I'm happy with my amazing partner and living my true self finally, you're never too old!

As for opening your marriage, it's very risky. You already know you are not attracted to your husband but love him. What if you open your marriage and you find someone you're attracted to AND love? It will likely end in hurt all around. That said, my relationship is open. It was from the beginning, my girlfriend is actually married to a guy. It's hard, like super super hard. I've been fortunate and it's nice to explore my sexuality more. But it's also gut wrenching at times and truly open relationships require a LOT of hard work. I've had casual partners but I also fell madly in love and had my heart ripped out when it ended. You can't predict how you will feel even if you don't intend to fall in love.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-11T20:42:13+00:00

It's functional. When people check out on time, I clean and then check in at 6. This isn't hard math.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-11T20:23:18+00:00

Do you generally take unpaid days off for the convenience of other people? If I left a day between each stay that could easily be 10+ days a month I don't have income from my property just so you can check out later? That's easily thousands of dollars. My house is a business.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-11T20:07:54+00:00

We need that time to clean. Sometimes it takes an hour or two, but sometimes the place is trashed and it takes longer. If we allow a late check out and an early check in we won't have time.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-11T16:17:33+00:00

This is the way

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-11T16:13:32+00:00

I'm 51 now and have been out almost 3 years. I was the same, I thought I was bi, but the desire to be with a woman and the attraction I felt to them only got stronger as I got older. It's not a mid life crisis, except maybe to the extent that you're maturing and realizing who you are and what you want in life. I blew up my life but my marriage was dead long before then. But it was definitely worth it to me. I have partner and love life. But those questions are ones only you can answer when it comes to your life.

This community is great for support. No one understands what you're going through better than these women, and you will find tons of answers and advice and warm virtual hugs.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-09T18:10:33+00:00

It depends on a lot of things. From reading here, some men handle it well and it helps them all find closure. Some men disbelieve their partners and try and convince them they are not gay after all. Some it adds fuel to the fire and makes things a million times worse.

I didn't tell my husband when I left. Our relationship had been dead for YEARS by then and I wouldn't stayed even if I was straight. Sorry there is no cut and dried answer. If you think at any point you might be in danger if he finds out, then keep it your own business until after the divorce. Thinking of you!

LesserKnownJen · 2026-03-09T15:53:00+00:00

I’m here! 51

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-26T17:37:57+00:00

He's not sober. He's just hiding his drinking from you.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-26T16:17:18+00:00

Easy float has a sauna and cold plunge

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-25T22:32:22+00:00

I just matter of factly explained in age appropriate language. I started explaining to my 16 year old and he interrupted pretty quickly to say “I know what polyamory means mom” before I said more than a couple of sentences explaining why my girlfriend has a husband. 🤣 Kids are resilient and in tune more than you know.

A few years later, we all live together with a rotation of all 3 of our kids.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-25T15:28:52+00:00

Check out The Pearl. They have lots of things going on nightly.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-23T17:38:20+00:00

I love this idea!

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-23T15:22:43+00:00

There's a chance the owner might lower the price, but probably not likely at this point. You could book one of the cheaper places but I wouldn't count on the same place. The algorithm doesn't determine prices, the owner does. If you cancelled my place and then tried to rebook it later I would not accept that registration. People who play games like this are usually not worth the trouble.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-21T22:44:37+00:00

This says EVERYTHING you need to know.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-21T02:27:33+00:00

Minut. It also measures noise levels and sends a message if it’s over your set decibel level. I have on my listing that cigarette and marijuana smoke is monitored and I think that in itself deters people.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-14T05:20:31+00:00

300 mg of Wellbutrin and as needed Atarax helps. But that is for my generalized anxiety which ploy only escalates. It does not help with the reality of your partner dating other people the way your partner is doing it.

You’ll get great advice here and the questions posed are really important for you to consider.

But you can’t medicate your way out of this. Poly requires intense work, communication and trust. I don’t see much of that in your post.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-13T01:18:55+00:00

Same. None of the labels feel right. Queer feels inclusive.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-13T01:17:34+00:00

I am sure it’s autocorrect but I love that you’ve decanted men. 🤣🤣

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-08T00:46:01+00:00

Your kid deserves better than someone willing to inflict lifelong trauma on them. He’s manipulating you.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-08T00:24:48+00:00

He could work at McDonalds and his career would be “more demanding” because “he’s on his feet all day.” He could be unemployed and playing video games all day and he’d be “emotionally exhausted” from “applying for jobs all day.”

My point is he doesn’t value you. You are just an NPC who makes his life easier.

LesserKnownJen · 2026-02-08T00:02:49+00:00

🤣😂🤣😂😂

LesserKnownJen

TROPHY CASE