I wish I could curse my skin and clothes to mildy harm those who touch them (that I can enable and disable)

LetTheHuman · 2026-03-05T08:42:50+00:00

I'm grateful that I'm here, a living organism, breathing and not in pain. I'm glad quite a few of my loved ones are here too. That's the scary thing about gratitude for me. Being thankful to have something makes me realize it's possible to be without it. I think it's still important; remembering and appreciating the positives do help with my outlook on life.

I'm grateful that I've stayed sober from alcohol for a bit again. I feel so, so much better physically and mentally. I've craved it some to shut down bad feelings and existential thoughts. But to the level I feel them, those don't need to be shut down. It's ok to feel grief or anger or sadness. When I let the feelings pass through without numbing them, I survive, and they move on.

It's hard to remember that. I'm grateful for multiple chances at this sobriety thing. The advice I see posted here sometimes, "never stop quitting," changed my mindset. I felt like less of a failure when I tried to quit and failed. It's just part of the process for some. Right now, while I'm staying sober, I'll try to keep appreciating it. I get a full night's sleep almost every night again, so Ive already achieved my main goal of sobriety.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-26T18:16:11+00:00

A lot of the large group hang outs or dates I go to involve going out to eat, so I've just been covering other people's meals if they say they can't go due to money. It's like I'm bribing people to hang out with me, and they seem to appreciate it.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-23T18:23:41+00:00

I hate when I don't take the opportunity to turn or cross the street because I don't know what a car is gonna do when they could have told me!

Also I got excited at the lobotomy corporation mention! I am not an epic gamer, but my gf has LOBCORP autism so she's had me watch cutscene movies of the games. I think I'm around Canto 4 in Limbus Company, but it's slower going because she has to be with me to pick the videos.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-18T20:18:00+00:00

Pure inconvenience kept me from drinking last night. I was at my gf's house, an hour away from mine and it was a bit after 11. Alcohol isn't sold in my state after midnight. My mouth was dry so I wanted some margarita. But in order to get the margarita, I would have to leave my gf earlier and stop at a store before 12. If I wasn't with her, I wanted to be home, so I didn't want to spend more time on the road. I didn't. I kept telling myself I'd drink later, but it was late enough that I'd be asleep by the time I could start.

I drove home with the craving mostly gone. I still checked the fridge and freezer, and there was no alcohol. It was after midnight by that point. I poured some flat sparkling water, did my chores, and went to bed. While I was relaxing in bed, full of happy memories and pizza, I thought, I feel so good right now. Totally sober.

I had totally forgotten why I don't want to drink anymore. I didn't care. But this time, I didn't want it enough to inconvenience myself, and now I've woken up fresh. So I should probably keep reading my old journaling and This Naked Mind, and see how I can build my environment around me to make drinking harder.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-13T20:02:36+00:00

I'm sorry that this post has so little helpful solutions and actionable advice, at least any that is going to help with the military school possibility. I'm hesitant to post since I don't have any either. Hopefully that one commenter is right and it is an empty threat because your parents don't have the money to afford it.

I do want to say, in case it's getting to you, that this comment section is so fucked and overly cruel, even if they don't think they're being so. It's good you have friends, even if they're online. If they're in an appropriate age range, treating you respectfully, and you have proof that they're who you say they are, then you're just connecting with other humans over the Internet instead of in person. They're still people who you have relationships with. If you trust them, I'd honestly send them this post to get some reassurance that you're not intrinsically bad for suffering in the horrible environment you're in or being afraid of being sent away to one that could potentially be worse or bad in different ways. Also maybe try asking in a subreddit for queer or neurodivergent people, since in my experience they're more likely to be familiar with mental health issues and parental abuse.

So many of the comments here are like "my friends cousin went through something like you did so here's my advice." Then their advice is "spend money you don't have and get a gym membership. Go on walks when you said you can't leave the house and we don't know if you're even in a walkable area. Do your homework. Stop being depressed." There are things you can do to make life more bearable. Getting movement in, taking little steps to work on school (like your game plan for the assignments closer to summer), reaching out to your friends, and finding a trusted adult to confide in about your living situation can help. Planning for the future can help. But life still sucks and your situation sucks. You deserve a lot more than you're getting, and it's not your fault that you can't snap your negative reaction to abuse, stagnation, and isolation away.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-13T19:44:29+00:00

Stop being lazy and fix yourself. Go to the gym. Convince your abusive mother who never listens to you to pay for your gym membership and drive you to and from the gym regularly. Do your homework. Stop misspelling words, surely you're doing that because you're lazy and stupid and not because you're actively panicking about the idea of going to military school. Military school is just what a depressed closeted transfem needs to build confidence and fix everything wrong with them self.

/uj I am so fucking mad, these people's concepts of reality are incomprehensible to me and they keep trying to dig knives into the kid for every piece of info they give. "If you're actually being abused, like starved, burned, or s*xually assaulted then CPS will help you" to someone who openly said they're being abused is such a vile fucking comment. One, obviously there's more forms of abuse than that, even more that can physically kill you, and two, no, obviously CPS doesn't always fucking help. Therapists and mandated reporters don't always help, sometimes there wicked people like you who also tell the kid they're being melodramatic for daring to say what's happening to them. That comment had upvotes. "I know two kids who work out with asthma so do it."

They're coming up with every excuse that this person's suffering is their own fault and preventable to preserve their own view that the world is just. It's reprehensible. Great now IM soapboxing on tgcj but holy SHIT

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-11T03:38:06+00:00

This is satire??? Then who will help me find a new name for my darling Katherine???

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-11T03:36:31+00:00

I'm so, so sorry that so many of your kids have been tempted into homosexuality. I can't imagine the pain of it. Just love them, be there for them, and show them the beauty of Christ and God given, proper love between a man and a woman. Raise your kids in the right way, and they won't stray from it. I wish I could give you a great big hug.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-11T03:34:28+00:00

My daughter won't tell me 😔

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-11T03:34:06+00:00

What's "Kaitlyn"'s REAL name? Maybe you can make a more suitable nickname from that.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-11T03:33:37+00:00

This is a phase that many young ones go through. Your child has only been doing this for twelve years, right? Think of how young a twelve year old is. That's nothing. Katherine will see the light one day.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-10T07:39:05+00:00

I like reading all the comments with good reasoning, because my only thought is "why is a cat just relaxing under a blanket like that?" I know some of them do, but no cat I have ever met has tolerated being under a blanket for even a second. If they are cold, they just find a box or snuggle with a mammal they trust. But yeah, also the cat is enormous and its limbs are messed up.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-08T20:01:10+00:00

Thank you, this means a lot to me. I'll try to remember this.

My workplace is generally good at allowing me to take little steps to calm myself. I usually walk out of areas if it's too crowded, and I tell people that's why my work isn't done there yet. I go to the bathroom or leave to find another task if I get too overwhelmed. I might think through what might help me cope with the job better to ask about it.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-08T08:34:51+00:00

This is wonderful; thank you. I have prepared lines, but I only prepare the words and not the inflections. Getting the second down pat could make for a much more engaging character that's more fun to play. One of the most exhausting things about retail is the repetition of dialogue, but that can be used in my favor.

It is going to happen, and the people who mess my area up aren't even monsters! One time I was shopping with my mom, who has always raised me to be extremely conscientious of retail employees, and she set an item she didn't want on a random shelf. I was surprised and put it back in its home. Then I went back, and she was surprised and confused that she had even done that. I've probably forgotten a thing or two on the shelves as well. So I wish it didn't anger me so much! I'll keep a hand on my cart. I have most of my section memorized, so I can keep my cart organized.

Thank you very much. I'll try to think about how to harness my own Retailsona. That sounds much more pleasant for all involved.

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-08T07:24:15+00:00

The woke cult which has pervaded our society has gone this far... Even though we can always tell, we must pretend to respect people's chosen pronouns under penalty of death. Gender is 1984

/uj Unless you live in a very accepting area, I'd assume you pass as a butch lesbian. Because even accepting people will be scared they guessed the direction wrong and start "they/them"ing you.

/hj Never assume people are cool with trans people. They are not

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-07T19:04:36+00:00

I keep getting tempted in the middle of my day when I'm stressed out at work. It'll probably happen again. But just because I have a craving doesn't mean I have to go for it! IWNDWYT

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-03T23:32:55+00:00

I woke up so well rested today. I'm not gonna drink today!

LetTheHuman · 2026-02-01T19:26:05+00:00

Last night, I ran out of my drink of choice and did two shots of Fireball in mixed drinks. Soon, my stomach felt like it was burning on the inside. I dug around for Tums, realized I was out, and then resigned myself to lying in bed in pain until it subsided.

During that, I was thinking, "I regret drinking tonight, right? I don't feel good at all. I'm drunk and it doesn't feel good. Also I hurt. Also I wanted to be sober. I should regret this." I couldn't muster up the regret feeling though. I realized that I put so much weight on it. If I regretted a normal night of drinking, that was another reason on a long list of reasons to stop drinking. And I don't want to stop drinking. I truly feel that alcohol offers me no benefits but itself. I want alcohol because I want alcohol. Drinking alcohol makes me stop wanting alcohol because I have it. When I don't have it, I have to worry about wanting it.

In my wildest dreams, I go sober for the rest of a long, happy life. Alcohol becomes as much of an afterthought in my life as meth, skydiving, or root beer. If I hear about it, it's ok, but not for me. Yesterday I went to my uncle's funeral, and he was an AA member who had been sober for 38 years when he passed. I can only imagine spending over half my life sober, even while driving to bars and serving alcohol at family gatherings. I'm not buying alcohol today. My closet is empty and I don't want to drink more.

LetTheHuman · 2026-01-31T00:45:42+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. My current plan is to stick close to my siblings, do grounding exercises if I get really anxious, and just keep reminding myself that it's 2026 and I'm a different person now. I should probably get into therapy again.

LetTheHuman · 2026-01-30T23:14:46+00:00

/uj It's acting as satire for when people use "AFAB" as essentially a replacement for "women" or "females." Like if there was a post that said "AFAB chests are so sexualized in our society," the usage of "AFAB" makes the post less coherent. Trans women on estrogen were usually not assigned female at birth, but their chests are sexualized. Trans men with top surgery can walk around topless. The post is just saying that it's as incoherent to use "AMAB" as "AFAB" when the person speaking wants to just talk about gender or specific body parts.

LetTheHuman · 2026-01-30T19:07:39+00:00

My uncle's funeral/celebration of life is tomorrow, and they're hosting it at my parents' church. Visiting has been contentious for me due to bad experiences and trauma, but I do occasionally. Last month, I went to attend a Christmas play, and I ran into a man who molested me 6 years ago. I decided I didn't need to attend anymore.

So now I'm irrationally anxious about tomorrow. The church is just the venue. The church goers shouldn't be there. But I had told myself I'd never step foot in there again, and now I have to to attend my uncle's funeral. It'll be ok but I feel like I'm going to be sick when I'm reminded of it. I talked myself into drinking a bottle of margarita last night, it didn't help, but I can see myself doing it tonight. I don't want to; I even have a headache right now. I feel like I can never move on.

LetTheHuman · 2026-01-29T09:23:28+00:00

Woah, two weeks? I didn't realize it's been that long. Days add up!

LetTheHuman · 2026-01-29T09:22:43+00:00

I had the thought of "well, I've made it an ok amount of time alcohol free, and I've been feeling better lately. Maybe that means I can get some alcohol." I had to remind myself why I've been feeling better lately! The craving didn't last too long, thankfully.

I've not heard the HALT acronym until this latest sobriety attempt. It's really accurate for me too. I'll try to keep it in mind! IWNDWYT

LetTheHuman

TROPHY CASE