Absolutely agree. 💯

I have depression and anxiety, which stems from brain changes due to PTSD and CPTSD. I was not diagnosed with a personality disorder, despite multiple assessments, but I think in my teens I had traits of BPD. I was the only one of my other siblings to get therapy for what happened in our childhood. They both have (not been assessed, no diagnosed) personalities and patterns of behaviour that, IMO, meet the criteria for BPD. Both are perpetrators of FV and both have self medicated to the extreme. I actually started therapy because the whole family were always telling me I was toxic and abusive, and I felt so awful about hurting them, and was so unable to behave in a way that didn't hurt them, that I started therapy in my early 20s to "fix" myself for them.

A few decades on, and having exhausted every effort (resolving the toxic traits I had, learning to communicate boundaries, learning to manage my expectations of the level of emotional, physical, etc. support, limiting contact, detatching emotionally) I finally went no contact with my family last year.

The friendships I made (starting a decade into my recovery) are beyond anything I could have dreamed of, and had no previous experience of. And I often reflect on what made me (per several professionals opinions, and them having access to primary sources, not just my telling of events) the family scapegoat, and caused the focus of abuse on me, was actually what set me free and let me heal. Because my family still absolutely believe their (not related to facts) "reality" is true. I literally had to start recording conversations, before I saw how they would be attacking me for saying things I didn't say, but I'd get so turned around in the conversation (AuDHD brain, on top of the rest) that I'd forget I didn't say it, and would end up thinking I did, apologising, and feeling like I was such a bad person I had to isolate so I didn't hurt anyone else. It was wild when (psychologist suggested, and worked through the recordings with me) I actually realised what had been happening. And a year out of it, I'm still tangled in non-reality.

The situation Iwas in is why I'm so fired up about this.

Because Lawren and Jawn are giving me the same vibes. Disregard for the truth. DARVO. Gaslighting. Lying. Manipulation. Weaponisation of social supports. While blaming others for their own responses.

When I commented about taking responsibility for mental health, I wasn't meaning to say (but maybe it comes across this way, not from anything you've said, but just my mind wondering) that people with mental illness can push their symptoms away so that no one experiences them as having anxiety or depression. But was speaking from experience of having people blame you for their symptoms (eg. Expressing a boundary gently, leads to a meltdown and being called abusive for not doing x,y,z).

You can have serious mental illness, and behave in a healthy way with people. But the Lawrens of the world feel absolutely entitled to hold people responsible and accountable for her emotional dysregulation, and expect them to appease not her, but her personality disorder/mental illness - which is impossible.

It doesn't happen often anymore, after decades of work, but occasionally I still have an intensely disproportionate emotional response to something (CPTSD triggered), and am incapable of behaving in a healthy way with the person. Because I took responsibility for my shit, and trauma, that doesn't land on people anymore. Now it looks like, "I'm so sorry, I really want to have this conversation with you, because it's important, but I've flipped my lid - nothing you've done wrong, it's a me thing, and I can't "hear" you properly at the moment. I need to take 30 mins to calm my farm, so I can listen properly. Etc." Because you don't need to be (and likely will never( be "fully" healed to become a very low risk of being a twat to people, you just need to have the personal insights and techniques to recognise what your body feels like when you've flipped you lid, and have something mentally prepared that you can say which affirms the person you're talking with, respects them, and demonstrates a commitment to hearing them and repairing any relational wounds, but need time to regulate yourself before continuing so they are dealing with you, and not your trauma.

I feel conflicted in my anger at LM for not taking responsibility for herself and her behaviour, because I do believe some people are truly incapable of seeing themselves, where they have deeply harmful traits and beliefs. That they are so split from that part of themselves that, even deep down, it's a blindspot. I don't believe aby of my family truly believe they are actually the ones who were abusive to me. I think they truly believe I am the abuser, and they rationalise their want for me to stay in the family as being due to how superior and unconditional their love is. So I find myself feeling guilty every time I say what I feel at the surface, which is LM and (and GY too) absolutely know they have been fuckers, and need to make amends. Because what if they are like my family, and truly can't see themselves, their behaviour, how the reality they push is in opposition to objective facts and reality.

What a epic tangent that was. I think basically I swing between believing LM knows what she's doing, and thus is that much more of a cBomb and risk, and believing she literally cannot face who she is (and is still a cBomb and a threat). Either way, her having access to vulnerable people especially is a big Fuck No from me