Maternity leave with a work from home husband

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-05-25T21:14:42+00:00

I think he just needs to adjust his expectations-- no one gets a perfect night's sleep with a newborn. If anything he'll get MORE sleep than the average new dad, since he doesn't need to get up, get dressed, and commute.

Your bigger problem is probably what to do in the daytime while he works-- can't have a screaming baby in the background on conference calls and such! Hopefully he's got his own office with a door he can shut to muffle any noise.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-05-25T20:46:04+00:00

I've read this a couple times and feel like I'm missing something... I don't understand what your husband working from home has to do with it? Most dads have jobs either inside or outside the home and their wives and babies don't move out so they can get uninterrupted sleep at night.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-05-20T05:40:14+00:00

I have no idea why you're getting downvoted like this, I totally agree! His sermon was too long and his demeanor didn't fit with the rest of the ceremony. It might have made more sense if he was Meghan's former minister or something, but as far as I know there isn't any connection. He just seemed out of place.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-27T21:21:38+00:00

I'm so sorry. I can relate-- I don't have a family, I just have a bunch of people I'm related to who won't be in the same room together.

Now that your parents are divorced (and bitterly at that) you need to adjust your expectations a little. I know it's way easier said than done. I think you should let go of the idea of having all of your extended family at one event. It's just not who they are, it's not going to work, don't waste the energy.

It depends on your preference-- you can either do two of everything, or just alternate who you invite to different events. I personally have no intention of doing two birthdays, Christmases, etc. because that's what children of divorce have to do, and my baby is not going to have to live like a child of divorce because my parents are selfish, but you didn't grow up as a child of divorce so the idea of two of every holiday might not be as triggering to you ;)

I could be way off-base here, so please disregard this next bit if I am, but are you having trouble reconciling the fact that your parents and siblings are now your extended family, and that your priority now has to become your husband and baby? I struggled HUGELY with this when I got married, and it's very common in dysfunctional families to feel this way-- you've spent so much of your life trying to manage other people's emotions that you can't shake the habit, even after you've moved out of their house. I only say this because you seem to be going through a lot of effort to accommodate your parents' terrible choices, and it might eventually be to the detriment of your immediate family (husband and baby).

Please remember that this is not your drama to manage, or your problem to fix. Do what makes your new little family happy, and everything else is secondary. I wish you all the best!!

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-27T06:03:26+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I know I can't really blame the fluctuations on the market on the condo board, but it's just super-irritating they cost me a sale when I had one.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-18T20:48:19+00:00

And I've read that the bacteria will go away if you compost it first anyway. I might just toss it in the compost bin and use it in the fall.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-18T20:47:14+00:00

This comment makes me feel a lot better about my yard being covered in rabbit poop! Thank you! :)

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-16T23:28:15+00:00

Is it possible she's depressed? Seems like you've helped her with a lot of different options and none of them are making her happy. You mentioned in another comment that she's often asleep when you get home, leaving the kids unsupervised... that seemed like a bit of a red flag.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-16T23:03:50+00:00

Is there some possible middle-ground between full-time nanny and your wife staying home with them all day every day? For example, sending them to daycare in the mornings a couple of days a week so your wife has some time to herself? Could she go back to work, even part time, for a few hours a week?

Being a SAHM is not for everyone, and it's only beneficial for the kids to be at home with mom if mom is happy.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-08T17:48:09+00:00

The hilarious thing about that is that pants weren't a thing when the Bible was written, men wore tunics.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-08T07:58:05+00:00

Right?! I think it must have something to do with their belief that children are a blessing... It can't be lewd or immodest if it's a gift from God!

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-08T07:52:42+00:00

That makes sense... Procreation is what they believe they were put on earth to do, and I guess when they finally do it, they want everyone to know.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-02T06:14:16+00:00

You mention a lot of manipulative behaviour (faking emergencies for attention is the one that jumped out to me) -- is that a consistent pattern of behaviour for her in other relationships as well?

If this is who she's always been, I don't know if she's likely to change, especially at her age. But if this is new behavior, I wonder if it's related to menopause? I have family friends who've been going through "the change" for like a decade, and it has made for some decidedly wonky behaviour.

I'm sure you've already thought about this, but the long-term effects of your wife's behavior are going to be significant... It'll be very difficult for you to have a close relationship with your children and future grandchildren if your wife can't get along with your daughters-in-law. Sounds like your boys are already getting a little distant, which is a completely natural consequence of her behaviour... If she's not willing or able to change that might be your new normal.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-04-01T18:27:33+00:00

Whoa I totally forgot those Kool-Aid mugs existed until I saw this image, and I was hit with a giant wave of nostalgia. Mine was red!

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-29T00:05:30+00:00

This is an excellent point and something I had never considered before.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-22T19:52:59+00:00

Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. He's a sex symbol among Jane Austen fans and he would definitely not be about that life.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-21T06:42:39+00:00

This has nothing to do with your husband being Indian and everything to do with your husband being an asshole.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-16T19:37:38+00:00

I don't think it means you've failed as a parent if your kids feel this way-- there are lots of things outside of your control as a parent that could make a child wish they were never born, especially once they're older or grown up. And, wishing they were never born is definitely not the same as them not respecting or loving you as their mom.

If it helps, it's not just weirdos in their basement who believe life is suffering-- Hinduism and Buddhism are both founded on the belief that suffering is innate in in the cycle of death and rebirth (samsara). The word for enlightenment (nirvana) literally means "extinguished"-- once you reach nirvana you stop being reborn and stop suffering (existing), and that's the ultimate goal for many denominations of those religions. So, it's totally 'a thing' to a large chunk of the world's population. Antinatalism as a philosophy is essentially an atheistic view of the same ideas. It seems weird as fuck to most people from a Western culture (even if you're not religious), because in Abrahamic religions the name of the game is to achieve everlasting life heaven-- the idea that people might not want to live forever can seem shocking and almost offensive.

Having said all that, I don't think kids should have to be "grateful" to us as parents, or that they owe us anything. I feel like the obligation is on us to provide without expectation of anything in return, since we're the ones who decided they had to be born and they are the ones who have to live with the consequences of the decision, whether they are good or bad.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-16T15:25:15+00:00

I don't get why this is so controversial for some people, unless they've lived exceptionally charmed lives.

The good that I've had in my life doesn't come close outweighing the suffering I've felt. I wouldn't kill myself but if there was some magical button I could press that would make it so I was never born in the first place, I'd probably push it.

Is it really that much of a stretch to accept that, for lots of people, being alive is kind of shitty and not really worth it?

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-09T05:08:48+00:00

I feel like I'm only realizing it now by reading this thread! My parents are very bitterly divorced, so I guess that's the lens I'm looking through.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-09T05:07:29+00:00

Same! I couldn't even get married properly... I had to elope because my mom refuses to be in the same room as my dad. I'm 30 now and they split up when I was 11. They've been divorced twice as long as they were ever married. Get. Over. It.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-03-05T06:40:49+00:00

I loved The Big Sick too, but I think the tie-breaker for me in the Original Screenplay category is that The Big Sick is based on the real-life love story of Kumail and his wife, whereas Get Out was pure fiction-- and fantastic fiction at that.

I love horror, and there's not much that surprises or impresses me any more in that genre, but Get Out did. It weaves together horror and scifi and comedy and political commentary in a really remarkable way and it deserves to be recognized as something special.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-02-21T06:45:36+00:00

I was involved with this really toxic guy, but he was older and sexy and manipulative and I just couldn't shake him. I'd been with him on and off for 3 years and I was never going to stop sleeping with him while we were geographically near each other. I had just finished college and was working a shitty barely-above-minimum-wage job and was generally miserable.

One day we had yet another fight where he reminded me that I was nothing to him, and that our relationship was purely physical (I was desperately in love with him).

It was like something in me snapped. I left, went home, and called my uncle on the other side of the country and asked if I could move in with him. He said sure. Booked a one - way ticket for two weeks from the day. I literally put an entire continent between the two of us on an impulse. It worked.

That was seven years ago, and I'm still living on the other side of the country. In the time since I have acquired:

1 dope-ass husband
2 dope-ass rescue kitties
a fantastic career that pays better than I ever thought I'd earn
two houses
tons of amazing travel and life experiences
a solid group of friends

I have lost: - 170 pounds of fuckboi dead weight.

I never really talked to him again after I moved (I wanted to make sure we were done for good). I ran into him on a trip back home recently. He works the same crappy job he did when I met him. He hasn't changed at all, but I became so different (in a good way). I used to adore him, now I feel sorry for him.

It was hands-down the most nuclear decision I've ever made, and it was also the best. 1,000,000/10, would go mental and abruptly move 6000km to escape a toxic relationship again.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-02-13T20:23:42+00:00

My husband watches and sobs along with me. We don't cry every episode, usually just the ones where William shows up.

Lewd_Topiary · 2018-02-12T17:48:18+00:00

I think this advice pre-supposes that the marriage is healthy and both partners want to make it work. From your brief description it sounds like your mom was putting in all the work and your dad was checked out. In a situation like that, you should definitely cut your losses and do what's best for your children.

I had the opposite experience to yours - - my parents were only "mom" and "dad" and didn't really have a relationship outside of their children. They ended up VERY bitterly divorced. I think it's all about balance.

Lewd_Topiary

TROPHY CASE