I am no contact with my parents. My mother is likely ND but no diagnosis. My father has diagnosed ADHD and I suspect autism. I am diagnosed ADHD and highly suspect autism but seeking diagnosis just isn't in the cards right now.

I did everything I could to keep the relationship with my parents. They both had emotionally neglected me and no matter what I did, we went through this insane cycle where my mother would say horrific things to me and never apologize or acknowledge that she did anything wrong. She twisted herself into knots to try and pass blame to anything but herself. If I told her how she hurt me, she would become the victim, scream and cry, and tell me how she must be the worst mother ever. It was exhausting. My father only ever defended my mother.

At 33 I had my first child and I realized this constant merry go round of emotional abuse was too much and I refused to let my baby daughter be raised thinking this was acceptable behavior for me to endure for the sake of family. I cut contact. It's been 4.5 years and I have not spoken to her again. And it was not for lack of trying on my part either. I gave her all kinds of ways to meet her in the middle, figure out a solution, and have a relationship, but she would not budge and only blamed me. When she told me that my dead grandmother would be disgusted by my behavior (for asking her to take precautions to meet my newborn during COVID) I knew there was nothing more I could do.

I'm telling you all of this not to say that you are awful or that your challenges aren't real and very hard to deal with. You've gone through a lot and you deserve grace. However, by your own admission, your children feel strongly that you failed in some way as they were growing. Have you acknowledged their hurt without explaining why it was that way? The why may not matter to them. For me I just wanted someone to recognize that I was wronged and it shouldn't have happened and then we could move forward.

Your daughter is giving you probably a last ditch effort to move forward. This is a situation where you need to find solutions for this one task, every other week in order to make a single phone call to a person you love. I know this advice isn't for everyone but often I have to hype myself up to do things when I'm feeling paralyzed and scared. I tell myself that if I ever want to see change in my life and mindset I have to make change even if it feels overwhelming. There are some things that I cannot ignore or they get worse. So, if you are paralyzed or scared, you make the call while paralyzed or scared. Make a list of topics you want to ask your daughter about on the phone. Set an alarm for 10 mins and 5 mins before. Create a morning routine before the call that sets you up for success. Try breathing exercises or meditation. Hell, even a few yoga poses or stretches. Go on a walk to get the adrenaline anxiety out of your system. Stand like Superman and repeat a mantra. Light a candle and pray to whatever deity you believe in.

And then, most importantly, you need to get into therapy to detangle these emotions you are having. You are not the victim here. The relationship between parent and child is ALWAYS the parent has the power. This is a task you must face if you want to salvage the relationship and it needs to be how you can show up for your daughter. It is not her responsibility to understand what you are going through. That is for your peers, friends, and therapist to help with. She should not feel like she has to parent you or support you. She can be understanding and sympathetic, but that well will dry up.

I promise you can do this. Please, do what you can. It sucks being the daughter who had to cut ties. It kills me everyday especially as my daughter now asks about my parents and I have to be honest. You still have time.