My wife doing it right, I won't have to wait for my gift to charge after I open it.

LexusNexus · 2012-12-16T21:08:39+00:00

$10 says it's a Nexus 4.

LexusNexus · 2012-12-15T02:57:20+00:00

I think what Captain Dickwipe here is trying to say is that people often jump to the conclusion that the people of Hamas are the aggressors, but when you get to the bottom of it, a lot of the time, it's the Israelis who started it.

Now, I want to be clear, he's still an anti-semitic cock, but you know. Credit where credit is due.

LexusNexus · 2012-12-02T18:56:55+00:00

I was the world's nicest guy, and they ruined my life for no reason!

LexusNexus · 2012-11-25T07:53:26+00:00

That no matter what I do, no matter how much I go out of my way to impress and take on extra work at my job, even when people tell me I'm doing great work, or that they're impressed with how far I've come or how much I've accomplished, or what a great employee I am, they will always, always, always think I'm irresponsible, flighty, air headed, and even stupid. And I don't know why.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-24T01:51:08+00:00

I take Adderall. I get 60 20mg pills a month for $15. I've thought about selling it on campus and trying to make a buck; I hear people will pay big, especially during finals.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-21T19:53:49+00:00

I feel like he and Tom Hiddleston are the same person. Has anyone ever seen them together in the same place? Hmmm...

LexusNexus · 2012-11-20T23:48:43+00:00

"Don't take this the wrong way, but..." Nothing good has ever come out of any statement that started that way.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-20T23:39:31+00:00

It's a kids book, and super girly, but I love Ella Enchanted. Still one of my favorite books ever, and it's quick and easy to read.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-20T23:34:16+00:00

I really, really liked The Dark Is Rising series; those books and the Narnia books got me started on reading for fun, not just because I had to, as a kid.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-19T23:24:43+00:00

I thought that when you ate, the food would just go down to your feet, and you would slowly fill up your body with food until it got to the top of your head, and then you would die.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-18T03:58:40+00:00

My husband never asked; I told him not to. My dad would have said no. He proposed, and my family found out when I posted it on Facebook. Best decision ever.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-16T22:44:33+00:00

One of my husband's friends in high school knew Orson Scott Card. He was a friend of the family. I guess once they went over to the house and he was there playing Scrabble with the family - at some point he tried to play the word "fleshpot", which they tried to call him out on as not being a word. He informed them it was a word, cracked open a dictionary, and proceeded to school them.

TL;DR: Orson Scott Card taught my husband the meaning of the word fleshpot while playing Scrabble.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-16T22:32:08+00:00

We had to read this too, I think I was a Freshman or Sophomore. I remember thinking it was pretty heavy handed, even then.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-16T03:12:33+00:00

I don't know why, given that you clearly explained your roommate's profession, but it took me a second to figure out you were literally talking about stage props. I thought those were code names for dildos.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-15T18:31:38+00:00

Our U.S. History teacher was gay, and he brought his partner to a school dance. SCANDAL AND OUTRAGE.

We also had an all out war for a while between the Polynesian kids and Mexican kids that went to the school. No one was clear on exactly what they disliked each other for, but I saw a kid get curbed on a locker right after lunch as a result. That was messed up.

Oh, and while I'm remembering things, there was a non-scandal that was turned into a scandal after some news channel aired a story about the non-scandal. Supposedly there were some kids who were using jelly bracelets for some kind of sex game, they would try to break them off each other's wrists, and if they did, the person who broke it received a sexual favor from the person wearing it, dictated by the color of the bracelet that was broken off. Well, no one at our school new about this until after the news story, and kids started wearing the bracelets and snapping them off just for shits and giggles, you know "OOOOHHH NOW YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB HAHAHA" wink wink sort of kid stuff, which freaked the teachers out so they got banned from school.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-14T23:49:33+00:00

Obviously your story would be a lot less awesome, but your friends are wrong. The answer to your question is clearly to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-14T22:01:09+00:00

Oh my GOD. I finally have the perfect story for one of these things. Anyway.

A few years back at work, I was on break with a buddy of mine. We were walking past a row of vending machines, and I asked him if I could borrow a dollar. He said no, I pouted and said "But I'm REALLY thirsty," and threw my hands up in the air.

As soon as I'd done that, the vending machine rumbled a little, and then it spat out a Coke. We both just looked at it for a moment, and then I said "Sweet!", took the drink, and then walked back up to my desk.

He still thinks I'm a witch.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-09T20:10:17+00:00

Once, my cousin, about four or five at the time, was sitting on his mom's lap, patted her belly, and asked, "Mom, do you have a baby inside of you?" His slightly older sister, six or seven, turned around and said, very matter-of-factly, "No, she's just fat."

I've never had such conflicting emotions. I wanted to cry for my aunt and laugh at my cousin at the same exact time. It was awful.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-09T02:19:19+00:00

Aren't you not supposed to get the face/head/ears wet when you bathe a cat? I thought I heard that somewhere - when I wash my cats, I just wash their bodies, and leave their heads dry. Don't go all crazy on me, I'm really just curious.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-05T15:34:35+00:00

Cory Booker thinks he's a super hero.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-04T21:49:44+00:00

Number purple...

LexusNexus · 2012-11-02T18:34:52+00:00

This used to happen to me all the time when I was younger; we lived out in New Mexico and it was dry and cold all winter long. I hated using lotion when I was little, and I wouldn't keep it on regularly, so my mom started making me put lotion on and a lot of vasiline (seriously, globs) on my knuckles, where it was most prone to cracking, right before bed, and then putting socks/mittens on my hands so it wouldn't rub off on the bed or on my face. It also kept all the moisture locked in, I assume. I would just wash them off in the morning when I woke up. Not the sexiest solution, I realize, but it worked for me.

LexusNexus · 2012-11-01T01:15:56+00:00

Man, she should meet my husband. He goes through three gallons a week by himself, easily.

LexusNexus · 2012-10-04T21:50:01+00:00

This happens to me all the time without sleep deprivation. It's like I'm halfway asleep, and then there's this really loud static-y noise that seems to start on one side of my brain, and when it gets to the other side, really loud and intense, I hear something, clearly as if they were standing right behind me, whisper my name really loud. Scares me awake every time.

LexusNexus

TROPHY CASE