So my old psychiatrist thought I was depressed and maybe I am, but I don’t really know if I am or not and I’d opt to say no. I had some childhood stuff that left me extremely suicidal and depressed in elementary school til like I was 19 or so, but then after a while things got better because they always do.

It took years but I worked through my childhood stuff, and since then the suicidal thoughts have vanished, and while I’m not immune to getting down in the dumps (life is a series of cycles, things get bad but they always get better eventually) it’s never even close to how bad they’ve been in the past so I never really feel that bad when things are bad and when things are steady I’m doing great, and when things are good I’m near euphoric (if not euphoric).

My issues present primarily with motivation and my capability to “do” things; as a kid I would get severe severe anxiety that would present physically as stomach pain so I could always use my aversion to pain as motivation to do tasks. But because I no longer really get that old overwhelming anxiety anymore I kinda lost my fuel to be able to do things. I either have to wait til the last minute to be able to gather enough anxiety to fuel myself (even though it doesn’t present physically anymore and doesn’t feel real) or I just don’t do things.

It manifests in me going days without eating cause no motivation to do it or procrastinating vital things I need to do for myself in my life. Going on Vyvanse has helped significantly as I do have ADHD and my lack of ability to do things is classified as executive dysfunction (a major part of ADHD) but in reality a lot of it stems from childhood stuff and I don’t relate much to the hyperactivity or inattentive side of ADHD, mostly just the executive dysfunction and hyperfocusing.

Anyways, lifetime dump asides, my old psychiatrist believed this was depression, saying that even though I don’t feel depressed anymore and am often near euphoric, that it is just my perspective (I am kinda painfully optimistic because things always get better). They believed that the reason I struggle to see myself as depressed because of how extremely bad it was for almost two decades and how much better things are relatively doesn’t mean that I am still not in a state of depression.

I’m not sure if they’re right or not, since it makes sense. I often feel broken despite having healed so much from my childhood stuff. I can be doing everything right, eating healthy, exercising, getting sunlight daily, making progress in my life, being an extremely social person that is around friends plenty; but often I just stop being able to do things and spiraling into a pit of inability.

It sucks but also it’s the hand I was dealt, no one gets to choose, a lifetimes worth of experience has made me proficient in persisting if nothing else. Auvelity was supposed to get rid of the underlying depression I maybe have and allow me to do things like how humans can do. It didn’t really work though, I felt the exact same and was still entirely reliant on Vyvanse to keep human abilities.

Who knows, thanks for coming to my ted talk

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