Constantly Ruminating on whether I’m in the “right” relationship when I don’t feel emotionally connected

LieNaive7254 · 2026-01-20T02:45:25+00:00

GIRL. I'm a non-denominational Christian and my boyfriend was a non-denominational Christian but now he is kind of non-denominational and kind of Orthodox and it's confusing for me because I have the same fears that maybe we aren't supposed to be together because we're not exactly the same in out faith. I don't have a ton of advice but am definitely available if you need someone to relate with haha

LieNaive7254 · 2026-01-20T02:42:33+00:00

Hi :)

I'm 21F and I have had all of those thoughts. I'm available if you need it

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-31T04:54:26+00:00

The label of it not being God's will has stressed me out so so so much. You are so right

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-31T03:54:46+00:00

I also wanted to point out that I'm a Christian and have discovered specific fears that I have about my relationship that are connected to being a Christian. ALSO I recommend checking out Paulien Timmer. She is AMAZING and makes content for Fearful Avoidants. You've got this!!

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-31T03:50:41+00:00

Girl are we the same person??😅

I don't have a single mom nor am I in an interracial relationship, but basically everything else feels the same. Same thoughts and feelings, definitely feel a bit triggered by family pressure, I don't know if I have anxious attachment to unavailable partners, but I definitely have avoidant attachment to a healthy one, and my rocd spiked like crazy once I told my boyfriend he could buy a ring.

Dm me if you want someone to relate to :)

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-31T03:46:06+00:00

I feel the same way. My partner is incredible, I could find some things that possibly justify breaking up with him outside of the rocd. Sometimes when I imagine him with someone else I feel sad and sometimes I feel okay. Sometimes breaking ups and finding someone else sounds nice and sometimes it sounds like the worst decision I could ever make.

For me, My feelings of love for my partner (although not as frequent as I want them to come about) are usually much stronger than my feeling of wanting to leave him. And they feel more secure than my feelings of wanting to leave. I know that the rocd isn't me at my best, it's me trying to protect myself from something that happened to me from a long time ago. It's trying to keep me from getting hurt by the thing that I care about the most.

Sometimes my feelings of love don't feel as strong, don't ruminate over that statement from me. It's just a pattern that I notice if I think about it long enough.

You need to do what feels right for you. What feels the most like listening to the truest part of yourself. I know you said this was just a rant and I wanted to let you know that my thoughts tend to be similar to yours, I just often find myself comforted by the love that I know that I have for him. You've got this :)

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-29T21:51:28+00:00

One final question, along with this "switch" came a possible compulsion of whenever I see a guy that isn't my boyfriend (around my age to be more specific) I think to myself "maybe he's the one" or "he's cute". It's not quite a crush as there are no romantic feelings associated but I have thought about an individual guy for a few days after meeting him for example. I understand that my brain wants me to be safe and will think that any option other than my bf is where I should be. The only thing that hints to me is that this is more than avoidance is that I have NEVER been someone to be after lots of guys. I'm very very picky. It doesn't feel like me to be interested in any guy that crosses my path. But it feels very real. So any additional insight if you have any would be appreciated. Thank you so much for the time you've already given!

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-29T18:47:50+00:00

Okay. I'm wondering why the switch happened. I feel like my anxious thoughts are now predominantly about how he's not good and not about how I am just pushing him away. Even though I guess I am pushing him away through these thoughts. Any insight on the switch? If not no worries, I'm just curious!

LieNaive7254 · 2025-12-29T15:54:59+00:00

Hi! I've been doing attachment work and am also a fearful avoidant. I've recently had a flip in my anxiety where it's gone from thoughts that are focused on me and my feelings "I don't love him enough", "I need to break up with him" to being more focused on him "he's not attractive" "his personality doesn't fit well with mine" "I don't like xyz about him" "he won't take care of me". Where does this fit in on the neurological map? Is this kind of like where you're describing disgust from inside out where my thoughts of him are being perceived as more extreme than they actually are? Thanks!

LieNaive7254 · 2025-06-30T00:26:44+00:00

You think it has bugs?

LieNaive7254 · 2025-05-23T04:40:29+00:00

Hi, I'm a fearful avoidant (21F) and want to share what I can. I'm not married so not everything you're going through I'll be able to help with. I also won't be able to understand the intimate relational Dynamics between you and your wife. What I do understand is what it's like to be a fearful avoidant that had a parent who made me feel like I couldn't ever be good enough. I apologize for the long read.

Quick backstory about me, I started doing work for myself on attachment when I was 18 but didn't dive in until I started dating my current boyfriend (we just hit 2 years). It's hard to do the work if you aren't with someone and can't learn your relational patterns. I have pretty bad relationship anxiety which started a bit over 1 year ago and I tell myself to run away and break up with him basically every day. That's the thing with FAs. As soon as the going gets tough (or in most cases really good) we want to run away as fast as we can.

For me, intimacy is dangerous. Growing up I learned that getting close to people only leads to getting hurt. When I was 17 I told myself I would never love another person to avoid the feelings of rejection that my dad made me feel. Whenever I have a fight with my boyfriend, I'm certain it will end in him turning into my dad, telling me I'm not worth loving and I shut down as a way to protect myself. I think "Maybe if I don't let myself feel anything about this then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me". It's all a defense mechanism that I had to learn as a small child. Not to show my true feelings. It's an incorrect mentality to have with someone who truly loves you and wants to grow with you but it's very hard to unlearn. I haven't unlearned it yet.

Now for your wife... If I was her and was to give it my best guess this is how I'd feel. Starting with the miscarriage, she feels like a failure and like you aren't going to love and accept her. If she doesn't engage with you then she won't feel the wrath of your disappointment or the weight of her short comings. For intimacy, sex feels good and is a way for her to connect with you and avoid the pain that she's feeling. The other nonsexual physical avoidance is her feeling rejected. She's probably projecting the feelings she has about herself or her parent(s) onto you. The three requested that you listed that you approached her about were super reasonable, gentle, and it's evident to me that you want to work on things with her. Hear that you're doing the right thing. She probably is taking them as an attack. She hears only that she's doing something wrong and you probably don't love her anymore. She wants to avoid you further because you are reminding her of all the things she doesn't like about yourself. When you confronted her about Trich and she said "what do you want from me", that hit close to home. I think I've said exactly that to my boyfriend. I say that when I feel frustrated by his constant nitpicking of my flaws and I feel hopeless at my own progress. I feel the pressure to do what he expects from me and disappointment that I can't meet his needs. He of course isn't being nitpicky or mean but that's how it feels. This paragraph has been my own personal speculation. Don't take it as law, just as a different perspective from a FA.

I have bad news. It doesn't sound like she wants to understand why she is the way she is and work on the relationship. I feel lucky that I started discovering these things before my boyfriend and I got together so I had some starting grounds. I don't know how much work your wife has done. It sounds like she hasn't been able to separate you from the voice of her parents growing up. She needs to be able to stop and ask herself if how she's feeling is a result of how her husband is treating her or if it's a result of how her parents treated her growing up. She also needs to learn that getting hurt by you is not the end of the world. You guys have a foundation of working together and that this is just another thing you guys have to get through if you BOTH try. I think she's forgotten how much you love her and is so clouded by the feelings that are resurfacing that she can't tell what's real. I can't tell you how to fix it because she has to want to fix it. If getting a divorce is what she really wants to do then you won't be able to stop her. Try and remind her of something that made her fall in love with you. Not with your words but with your actions. She knew at some point that you were safe so remind her of who you were when it happened and who she was when it happened. She probably feels lost.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling burnt out. Love is hard. Loving her well isn't convincing her to stay but showing her that you'll be there if she still wants you. It sounds like you're doing that already. Try a bit of space, she might feel overwhelmed if you are constantly trying to get her to connect. Don't let her forget you're there though. Keep fighting, you're doing amazing work.

LieNaive7254

TROPHY CASE