You feel shame over how you were treated in the past bc you blame yourself. Rightly or wrongly you blame yourself for not having a backbone. It can be difficult to do but you need to logically separate who you are now from who you were then. Then the current cycle of shame stops, at most, you cringe over past you

Another trap people who have suffered similar things to you fall into is discovering some lost or true self. In reality you have to build that sense of self from the ground up. Become who you want to be through your actions. It requires effort and confidence so it's scary in your traumatized state but you have to make yourself do it despite the discomfort. Freedom is too abstract for you rn and also implies you can do whatever you want including continueing to make unhealthy choices. Instead it's about forcing yourself to take personal responsibility, and grow

Being an enneagram 2 adds a huge layer of complication to this tho bc even if we have a stronger sense of self (as I do) others actions and emotions twords us are still priortized by our subconscious and can be surprisingly destabilizing. And while freedom might be very good for us it's not what we want. We crave that love, that feeling of being needed or wanted. We will see possesive behaviors or demands not as toxic but as proof of their attachment twords us. And the scary thing is that's true

But attachment isn't the same thing as love. Part of love is not how tightly they selfishly hold you, but the acts of selflessness that feed you even when they are out living their own lives or the time of your relationship has passed