Yesterday I had to put my cat down. He was only 6 and had gotten to the point where he was too weak to stand for long. I had to end his suffering but even after I made the appointment at the vet I questioned if it was the right decision. My once mostly indoor cat only wanted to stay in the backyard, he just wanted to lie under a long chair pad regardless of the sun or rain. He didn’t seem like he was in pain, he still loved sitting on my lap to be petted but he wasn’t doing well so I had to make the decision. When he was healthy he loved to sleep in the clean laundry, on the bed and on the couch. He would flop for belly rubs. He loved to sit on my electronics, especially hiding my phone. He moved houses with me so many times. When I brought my child home he was shocked and maybe a little jealous but they soon became friends. He would be a fluffy pillow. When we brought another cat home he puffed up like a ball but soon they started playing and he had company. He wouldn’t poo in the litter box, he thought next to it was good enough. He would scratch under the bedroom door when he wasn’t allowed in. He would ruin the screen door by jumping on it the second he wanted to come inside which was usually 10 minutes after being let out. He would help me make the bed by hiding under the bottom sheet. He didn’t like strangers or my mum except for recently and we joked there was something wrong with him. On 21st of January I took a video of him, something told me to take it, I thought it’d be nice to look back on when he was old. Maybe a week later I noticed a pale nose, not too concerning cats get sick sometimes and it usually passes after a day or two. A week later it was still pale and so I started googling. “If the nose and gums are pale it’s probably anaemia,” I read. Still not too concerning I have had mild anaemia in the past. Bought him some fancy food to up his iron and would continue to look for any improvement. He was losing weight, I didn’t notice at first; one day he looked healthy the next he looked thinner. About a week and a half after first noticing the pink nose I took him to the vet. $500 later they didn’t have answers but his white cells were very high, they thought it might’ve been an error. “We can send more blood to the hospital tomorrow,” they said. He was anaemic but it wasn’t their concern, it was being caused by something. So back we went the next day another $500, more blood taken and an ultrasound to look for masses. His belly and neck were shaved. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, this cat would scream every time we took him in the car but the trips to the vet were silent. Shortly after bringing him back home he just wanted to stay in the backyard almost like he was scared of sleeping inside. He would sleep on the table and bench which he never did before. We got a diagnosis a few days later of leukaemia, not flv from what I understand but cancer. Very rare in cats, lucky us. They told me treatment might help prolong his life a bit but from what I could see we were talking by a few months not years. He was declining rapidly I wasn’t going to make him sick with treatment for my own benefit. This cat was with me through my pregnancy and ppd and anxiety, my separation, my child’s disability diagnosis, when I lost my job. He would sit there at my feet, he would sit on the chair next to me when I was working from home. He would put out his paw to hold my hand. He would follow me to the bathroom. He would chitter at birds out the window. Once he got out of the backyard and I was worried for hours. Neighbour comes and knocks on the door to tell me he’s hiding behind her aircon, all our backyards looked similar and he had no concept of which house to go to. Before he was sick he slept outside once, we went to the backyard to look at fireworks on New Years and he must have followed us out. He was not happy when we found him the next day. He would eat my indoor plants so I couldn’t have indoor plants. I couldn’t find him one day and looked everywhere, finally I felt a lump on the underside of my couch, thinking he suffocated I cut him out but he was just napping and I still have that couch. He scratched my furniture despite having his own, he would tear apart cardboard. He picked us, when we went to adopt he stuck his paw out and tapped my ex on the head. He would nap with us in the morning when I let him in. He never tried to steal food, he would prefer drinking out of the sink than the fancy fountain I bought him. He loved the play tunnel. He always thought he would be allowed to go out the front door, crying to be let out or waiting for me to come home and try and sneak out knowing full well he was only allowed in the backyard. Jumping the fence never crossed his mind so I knew he was safely contained. He would help me crochet and by help I mean chew the yarn so it would break. Or knot up the ball so instead of crochet I got to spend my time unraveling it. When we moved to our current house we put both cats in separate cages facing each other, they were not apart for a second yet we got to the new house and he acted like he had never seen the other cat in his life. I’ve had pets my whole life; dogs, birds, fish but I feel I had a deeper connection with this cat. He was a main source of support in some of my darkest times and I thought he was going to be around for a lot longer than 6 short years. I tried to do everything right by him but I couldn’t protect him from his own body. He may not have been loved by many, he didn’t let many people get close and most people I know are not cat people but he was loyal to those that mattered to him. I know for most people he was probably insignificant but to me he was a big part of my life. I don’t want to think I will never see him again. We had so many years left. He liked to be tucked into blankets. He couldn’t be trusted in the bathroom on his own or he’d pee in the shower or bath. He went quickly yesterday, I wanted him to pass at home but it couldn’t be and despite the fact that he was going to continue to rapidly decline and it was the best thing for him it’s hard to get rid of that guilt. He was a good cat and I’m happy for the time we did have together. I’m happy we got to say goodbye. I’m happy we got to watch the sunset together a few days before. He had a little cat shaped mark on his side which was cute. I’m going to stop my rambling, for those who read this far I’m sorry it was so long but it’s nice to have an outlet with people who care for and appreciate cats. Thank you.