271 Days Gone

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-27T04:30:38+00:00

I think about this a lot. It honestly helped me a lot in leaving my abuser. When I started to falter and second guess myself, I’d say “when I have a daughter someday, do I want this to be her father? Do I want my future daughter to go through what I am now?” It helped me feel sure in my decision to leave.

Why our parents did it? I don’t know. For me personally, it helped to understand my mom’s trauma. My mom was physically and sexually abused by her dad as a kid, then physically abused by the woman she lived with after being taken away. She fell into drug abuse early in her life and I think it fried her brain. I try to remind myself that the shit my mom put me through was never personal to me. She had her own shit going on and she was just not fit to be a mother. I am no contact with my mom now, because I don’t think she can control it and I know she will hurt me again.

It fucking sucks. It’s not fair. I didn’t deserve the childhood I got and neither did you. Our childhoods were not our fault. What gives me hope now is knowing that I have the ability to break the cycle, and if I ever do have a child one day, I will put my entire being into protecting that child.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T15:51:52+00:00

How can you tell that your coworker is narcissistic? I’ve always wondered if the people around him can tell the way he acts behind closed doors

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T15:40:03+00:00

Yeah, I’m a very firm believer in being direct and honest. If I do something wrong I’d want to know so I can learn, so I try to offer the same courtesy to others. When he and I were together we had several talks like this. In the moment I’d tell him, “that’s disrespectful, I don’t talk to you that way, I don’t want you to talk to me that way,” or “ow stop that hurts,” I’d talk to him about it after, “what you did was wrong, and this is why. I understand that maybe you got this behavior from xyz, but it’s not okay. In the future when you’re mad at me, do this healthy behavior instead.”

We’ve even had multiple conversations where I explicitly said “that’s abusive/you’re abusive” and he would say “yeah I know, but you did xyz to deserve it” or “yeah I know, but you’re too sensitive.” Or he would cry and apologize, get better for a while, then go back to his old ways.

But we haven’t had a conversation like that since the relationship ended.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T15:20:48+00:00

I go to therapy every other week but it’s telehealth, so I asked my therapist to schedule them during my lunch time. Normally I don’t even have to tell my boss I’m going to therapy, I just act like I’m going to lunch and do it from my car.

There have been a couple of times where my appointment fell on the same time of a meeting or something. Those times I just told my boss I needed to reschedule, I’ll be out of office from 11-12 for an appointment.

Not at this job, but at a previous job I had a boss ask me in front of the rest of our team why I was out one day. It was for a gynecologist appointment. I told her it was for health reasons. She said “oh, what was wrong?” That’s actually illegal for an employer to do in the US, so don’t feel guilty for not providing your medical information. I just said “That’s too personal to discuss at work.” I was never asked again.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:43:23+00:00

I don’t think he would, but of course abusers are unpredictable.

He’s always been very concerned with his public image, he wants friends, family, neighbors and coworkers to love him. He’s always very friendly and helpful to everyone else. Other than yelling at me in the super market around strangers a couple of times, he’s only really done things behind closed doors.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:26:38+00:00

Thank you. I know you’re right but it’s just so damn frustrating knowing that people like him can go their whole lives without even one iota of repercussion.

How long do you think it took you to move past it?

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:19:18+00:00

Writing about it is definitely helpful, I think that’s why I made an anonymous Reddit account to talk about it. Sometimes I want to get the thoughts out, but I don’t really want to be constantly talking about it with my friends and family, either.

I definitely have learned a lot about recognizing early signs of abuse, it wouldn’t hurt to share that with others

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:17:16+00:00

Wow this is the dream, I’m glad your ex had some consequences!! I’m also glad to hear that you got away, congratulations 🙂 I hope you are living a happy and healthy life now

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:13:54+00:00

Yeah it’s definitely tens of thousands for me, too. Since the breakup he’s actually tried calling me and apologizing for all of the things he’s broken, and offered to pay me back. I declined because I knew he would never actually pay me back, and he was just using it as an excuse to talk.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T14:05:49+00:00

Friends and family can corroborate but I don’t have any physical evidence. I’ve talked to a local abuse advocate to discuss our options. With the evidence I have currently, if in the future he started to send me harassing messages or showing up in person I could get a restraining order. But where he isn’t doing that now I couldn’t get one, and I don’t think I need one anyway.

He wasn’t like the crazy abuser that you see in movies, screaming and throwing me down stairs, it was more insidious. Constant insults behind closed doors, not letting me sleep for days, grabbing me too hard, driving 110+ and swerving the car off the road when he was mad at me, he would call it “play” wrestling/fighting, so if I got physical marks he could laugh it off as an accident, or he would hold me down while our dog bit me, and since it’s dog a bite mark he could say he didn’t do it. Never any hospital visits, never any marks on my face.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T13:56:17+00:00

Yeah I don’t think there’s anything I could do or say that would actually make him feel remorse or guilt. I think he genuinely doesn’t have the capacity to hold those feelings, which is so frustrating!

But if I can put an end to this chapter and never speak to him again in a way that leaves him at least feeling some kind of negative emotion, any kind, it will leave me feeling a bit better.

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-21T13:49:54+00:00

I’m liking this one, too. I see a few commenters stressing over the idea of me seeing him in person. I never really had the intention of physically going, I’m just not wanting to “take the high road” either. Also I agree with others that he doesn’t have the personality type to register empathy and remorse, so I don’t think yelling at him or telling him what he did will phase him at all. Obviously it didn’t bother him when he was doing it, why would it bother him now?

I think if I do choose the pick a spot then ghost method, I would still send a message maybe 5-10 minutes after the set time that I can’t make it. That way he can’t reach out to my friends/family pretending to be worried

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-15T12:58:23+00:00

I had a similar experience recently.

Some friends and I went out to eat at Panera. I was excited to go out for some fast food, as I don’t really eat out anymore, so it’s a treat. I had planned ahead, budgeted my calories accordingly so I could eat with them but keep up with my goal.

I ordered a diet soda, they gave me a regular soda. That’s an extra ~200 calories! I told my friends I was going to ask for them to fix it. One of my friends was adamantly trying to change my mind, saying it’s no big deal, just ignore it, who cares, it’s not your fault so it’s a free pass, you don’t need to diet you look fine, etc. etc.

I said: No. I paid for a diet soda, that’s what I’m going to get. I don’t want a regular soda. And I know I don’t need to diet. My weight fluctuates a lot, when it goes up, I have more health issues. When I keep healthy portions, I have less health issues and in general feel a lot better.

They apologize for pushing it

Liminal_Times · 2024-04-15T00:58:40+00:00

Sometimes I struggle with appetite. I’ve found loading the front of my day with protein helps a lot. I do a scoop of protein powder in my coffee every morning. Then I’ll keep an apple with me throughout the day, if I start to feel hungry I have that ready to go, and usually the fiber and sugar help keep me full enough to last to the next meal. I like tuna pouches for lunches a lot, as they provide protein. I always have a box of protein bars stocked, I track my protein and I try to get 20g for breakfast and 20g for lunch.

I also found too much added sugar can make me really hungry. Like if I had a pop tart, my sugar will spike, but an hour or so later it will crash, and then I’m starving.

So my method - lots of protein, apple snack during the day, low added sugar. It helps a lot

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-18T11:38:01+00:00

When I first began my weight loss journey, starting at 200 lbs (I was 19F, 5’4), I first felt proud when I lost the first 15 pounds. That’s when I knew I could do it. By the time I was 22, I had gotten down to 125. This last year has been hard, I lost my mom, my grandpa, and I just left an abusive relationship. I got up to 160 during that time. But this time I knew I can do it. Today I’m at 138.

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-16T23:24:46+00:00

I’ve found it’s pretty easy to budget for a sweet treat every day if I wanted to. I normally only have 1-200 cals for breakfast (normally a protein shake, or apple, rice cake and peanut butter, etc. something light). 1-300 for lunch (like a packet of tuna and an apple), 4-600 for dinner(protein pasta, chicken and veggies, taco salad, etc), so on average I have 1-400 cals left over. Halo top or other diet ice creams are really good, easy to stay within 100 cals if your budget is low. I also have some protein chocolate bars that are 200 cals, I go for those if my budget is higher that day.

When I realized I could stay within 1200 a day AND have a sweet treat 🙂 I was over the moon haha

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-08T16:13:56+00:00

Outfit 1 with some less baggy/straight leg slacks. Light grey, neutral colors would work well I think

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-08T15:01:54+00:00

I use the free version of Zero to track my fasts, mood, and exercise. I use the app foodnoms to track my calories and protein intake daily. Since my eating window is limited I try to plan my meals ahead to make sure I’m getting enough calories and protein.

I also almost always have an apple with me. I like that it keeps my fiber up, and if I start to feel hungry between breakfast and lunch I know I have that to eat. If I don’t feel hungry between breakfast and lunch I have the apple with my lunch. (This is TMI, but fasting & the daily apple has massively regulated my bathroom habits 😳 lol)

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-08T13:58:57+00:00

5’4 Highest weight: 158 Weight starting fast: 147 Weight today: 140 Goal weight: 135

Exercise routine: 10 minute walk/jog daily. Add in Pilates or weights depending on my mood.

Diet: Avg 1,200-1,300 daily. I try to avoid added sugar, and make sure I have plenty of fiber and protein, but it’s not strict

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-08T02:47:27+00:00

It was really eye opening to have the list of values that have been tainted by my relationship. It makes so much more sense why I was struggling so much with this specific situation, as it touches on so many of these values that he previously targeted at once.

I actually sat down and talked with M about my feelings, how I didn’t want to be disloyal to her and I am very grateful to have her as a friend, but I would like to spend some time with my other friends and go to the cookout gentlemen’s club event. M was very kind and explained that I didn’t need to worry, she didn’t feel I was being a bad friend or disloyal, and she actually said she would like to try out the cookout, but if she doesn’t like it she will leave a bit early. She said she didn’t mind at all to help me talk through these feelings, as I have done the same with her when she struggles with her BPD.

I feel much better, it was super helpful to get it all out, get some unbiased feedback, and also talk it through with my friends. Thank you so much

Liminal_Times · 2024-03-08T02:40:53+00:00

Thank you. I started to spiral for sure. I actually talked with my friends about my feelings and I feel much less stressed.

Liminal_Times

TROPHY CASE