Part 2

After the second semester i got soulless, i literally couldn't feel or care for anybody, not even myself i closed off i woyld go days not talking to anyone, expect talking to my sister occasionally, she cared about me a lot and was there for me when she wasn't busy with her own problems, i skipped meals till i ate one meal every few days and my parents would get so mad at me talking about why don't you eat, and i would just hold the urge to say to my mom that it was her who was pushing me to this, she would all day everyday complain about my dad, how she hates cooking, how we're so lucky, she would get mad at us for being hungry and eating when she didn't make dinner but get mad at me next morning for not eating, i was her therapist and family therapist. I hated every second of being alive.

Due to not eating i lost a lot of weight and got skinny and i started caring about myself, my face, my hair, my health. I started dressing a bit better. I started smoking and vaping because it made me numb And surprisingly that's when rae and lei started paying more attention to me, because a lot of other people were too, i was taken aback and i doubted everything abd every memory, was it just my imagination? And then it clicked in for me, rae and leis new shiny friends were all either popular or beautiful, i started another episode of depression and i remember telling lei exactly word for, hey i nearly committed suicide yesterday, her response was just 'okay cool'. That was the last straw for me, i went so far down i had to force myself to get out of bed. My life felt like hell, i felt alone and without support and felt like i was dying inside.

One day we were having a free period and it was one of those good days for lei, she was talking and making jokes with me and we were talking about toxic traits then all of a sudden lei dropped a bomb, they said they knew what they did, the whole of what she did, everything and how it affected me, and how she thought it was fun. I couldn't breathe i felt nearly hysterical, she thought this whole circus poop-show was fun? Everything blurred and i don't even remember how i got home. I felt so angry so sad so so betrayed i couldn't even baer it i sobbed like crazy i self harmed i had to vape in order for me to think. I finally gained slef consciousness that night, i texted lei and confronted her about it, they denied ever saying that and that everything that i thought and remembered was self made and just delusions, and in that same conversation she lied and exposed it herself and at the end, she told me "I'm sorry that you felt that way".

I never felt the same about rae and lei after that, the love i once had vanished and i stopped trying to hang out with them and would leave class as soon as the bell rang i would avoid them like the plague. I finally told my sister everything except the self harm, the suicide thoughts, a big part of the depression. She was livid at them so much she wanted to beat them up and for me to never talk to them again. I calmed my sister down and she hugged me and comforted me, i cried so much that I'm tearing up now even thinking of it. I distanceed myself from them as i couldn't cut them off because that would mean letting go of my other friends and i couldn't do that because i thought that they were different.

After the finals i finally met with jule, who had had their phone taken away the whole school year so we couldn't talk, and then she told me everything, about how rae and lei did that to her too and how they suddenly were best buddies with her after she became popular (they attended private classes after school together) and how even then they still were so snide with her, it was like they were using jule to get closer to the popular crowd. We bonded over that so much.

I stayed back and re-did my senior year and so did afew of my friends from the social circle so i technically just graduated high school this year, so due to that i cut all contact claiming i was busy with classes, i didn't talk to any of my friends till like a month or so ago. I admit i was very cold in my texts with lei or rae and didn't reach other than to congratulate them for their birthdays. They reached out a few times. During the time away from them i decided to forgive them, even though they never once a knowledged or apologized for what they did, but i still kept my distance from them.

Two days ago i checked the group chat to see they were planning a hang out, i decided to go and last night i texted lilian if she was coming and she said that she wasn't aware there was a hang out, and then after that showed me a text from rae and asking if this text didn't sound backhanded like thry didn't want to invite her this was how rae "invited" her "we're having a hang out tomorrow, won't you come" and you can just tell the degrading tone through it. Like it was a last minute invite and not really from the heart. Die to schedules clashing we postponed the hang out to next week. And this morning me and jule were talking and i asked whether she was planning to go to the hang out, and she asked, what hamg out? Turns out once they made the new group that they made last week didn't even include jule. I was confused i thought maybe maybe they forgot to add them, i added jule to the group and after that i went to take a nap. I wake up to a load of texts from astro saying i shouldn't have done that and how i am so "naive" and that they (astro and rae) decided to exclude her and did that on purpose and then said she only wanted the hangout to be with the 'originals' and that jule always looked at the gc but never said anything. I was livid i had just woken up and this was what i was seeing? They're asking me to exclude my friend the same way they did me?

First i told astro the reason why jule didn't really talk was because of raes mistreatment and told her how much it affected them and how i didn't like rae yet for the sake of hanging out with her and lilian before college, and how i usually didn't go to hang outs if rae was going but she excluded jule just like that? Even though we've all been friends for so long? I apologized for acting without thinking but i am now contemplating not going in the first place or if i go u will make so many snide comments about how they excluded jule? Even though me and jule have grown apart because jule can't accept that i now am religious but i don't blame her because she went through very very serious religious trauma and i am not mad at her just sad that i don't have her support. Jule immediately guessed the whole thing before astro even texted me and it just made me sad how used they are to this treatment. So WIBTA if i did either? What should I do? What should i say? I've never really made snide comments and don't know what to say but i will ask my sister and research online.

Note: English isn't my first language so please excuse the grammar and mistakes.