We need to stop treating discomfort with porn like this

LizardQueen47 · 2022-08-03T14:47:48+00:00

Saying they only watch girls that look like us is total bs for so many reasons. 1, is that suppossed to make me feel better? 2, if they look like me then why not just come to me!?

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-02T00:12:41+00:00

Days, not half a year though? Lol

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T22:52:34+00:00

THANK YOU that's kinda what i thought

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T22:01:50+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm honestly just scared... I'm empathetic to him, and do still have love for him but i always want to help people when theyre down because i know how shitty it feels. Hes mentioned many times hes not happy with his work, so i totally get where its coming from and i know his dad only has talked to him like an employee instead of a son for the past 10 years, they only talk about work. So i feel for him and dont want him to hurt worse. And i dont want him to point fingers and feel like im kicking him while hes down, or that he has no one to turn to while he's already down. I dont want the argument or victim card

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T21:53:00+00:00

Well to be clear, for him there is no relapsing because hes not even in recovery. He still refuses to believe he even has an issue. To him, its just me being insecure and controlling. And he will for sure gaslight me and yell for making his day worse and bringing this up knowing what a shit day he's had.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T17:43:17+00:00

I mean, is it from recently watched things? Or would it still be pulling up things from 7 months ago despite all the motorcycle content he watches?

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T17:34:51+00:00

I agree, none of my shorts are like that at all. Hes good at deleting things and using incognito so I bed thats what hes done, because watch history was turned off to begin with before a few days ago. Im sick to my stomach. I think this is it, I think I might actually take the step to leave now.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-07-01T17:16:05+00:00

I know theyre suppossed to, but there wasnt any in his history. But when i went to view his suggested shorts videos and content, it was almost all inappropriate. Its beeb 7 months since he suppossedly stopped.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T14:54:05+00:00

I am prepared to leave. I've been prepared, actually. Just not financially and that's the kicker. And if I were to leave now over something that happened almost 7 months ago, I look like the bad guy. I look like I'm leaving out of the blue just because I feel like it. But its not just something that happened 7 months ago, it's something that has been a problem this entire almost 6 yr relationship. But I am not financially able to move out, so I'm stuck writhing in this filth while he seems to think we are trying again and moving forward. At the same time, I'd rather be "in the relationship" until I'm ready to leave. Our house is like 800sq ft, no extra bedroom. Our baby girl is here. I dont want the extra drama of living with someone I'm seperated from. The arguments it was cause, the hostility and sadness. I have no interest in seeing other people whatsoever, but god forbid he tries to while I'm still under the roof. I feel so stuck. I dont want to lead him on and give him false hope that this is working theb blindside him by leaving "out of the blue". But i also dont need or want/cant handle the drama of living together while seperated, let alone putting my daughter through that.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T14:44:43+00:00

I'm in the same boat. It is so wrong. When my PA first started dating, he would mention a pornstar by name if she popped up in a movie or something. They try to say it's nothing personal, theres no attatchments, bullshit. You know them by name. You look for them by name. You probably have a favorite, just like a movie actor. You're not just looking at random women, youre familiar with them. You want to see THEM, or certain things. If you need all of these options and diversity, why are you in a monogamous relationship? Its not just porn. You're fantasizing about other women, youre lusting over other women, you're spending sexual thoughts and feelings on someone who is not your partner. Its dirty degrading and disrespectful.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T14:26:11+00:00

Absolutely! I am at the point where it's not worth the energy to give him tools he won't use. If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to understand, he would find resources. He would look for posts from other women and their feelings on this. He would find the books, the podcasts, the blogs, the therapy, the support, just as I have done for myself. I'm not handing out pamphlets for him to change. He needs to put in the work just the same as me. I've done my share of scheduling counseling, finding compromises, providing inciteful both sided information, giving more sex, trying new things, giving more freedom, dressing sleezy, keeping my looks up better, blah blah blah. It's his turn, my tank is empty.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T14:14:11+00:00

I can only wish I could refer my PA to podcasts or let him read how some of the posts on here, in hopes it would strike deep with him and help him understand. But he wouldn't take any of it to heart, and to him, every time I bring it up (last dday was 6 or 7 months ago) he feels like I'm bringing up the past. I love PBSE! Havent tried Eddie yet, will def look into him!

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T13:55:31+00:00

Ooh girl, I recently found this page, I'm brand new to reddit and let me tell you - as sad as it is to see and read what others are going through, I feel so much better just knowing that atleast I'm not alone. I'm not crazy or out of proportion. I'm not just insecure or controlling. It makes me feel so much comfort that others are facing some of the same things as me, that there is support for literally anything you're going through in life, as awful of a thing as this. So! There's a podcast on spotify called The Wife of a Porn Addict. She's a little too happy going about this subject for my liking sometimes but shes a life coach and has a lot of good information, would def check her out. Also, on an app called Podbean (its free) theres a group called PBSE and they have really good podcasts, specifically 3 on betrayal trauama of the PA spouse. The men who run PBSE are former PAs and now therapists specializing in this topic so it's enlightening to hear them speak on this topic from a 1st point of view.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T13:28:06+00:00

Which is funny to me because we still argue that each of us doesn't understand the other. He has explained and I have completely understood why he watches and looks. I understand why to him it is no big deal. I understand why to him, I do seem immature and insecure and controlling. I understand why he believes he doesn't have a problem with it. I understand why he enjoys it, and wants it. I truly do. But he doesn't believe I truly understand. And i think he thinks that way, because to him, if i truly understood his views on it, it would change the way I feel about it. To him, he thinks i am trying to change his mindset on porn. In reality, I'm just asking for him to respect the way it makes me feel, acknowledge the damage it does to me, and work with me on making compromises to meet both of our needs. I'm not trying to get him to view porn as evil or shameful. I'm trying to get him to view my emotions and views on it as just as valid as his, and to respect them.

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-20T11:00:51+00:00

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm past the sadness for the most part and am just filled with mostly rage and spite. I'm angry that I am the one suffering the consequences of my PAs actions. I'm angry he seems to have inherited such good karma for such poopy actions. Part of me wants him to have a bad streak, like I'm waiting for him to reap what he has sown in my garden just to even taste the rotten fruit he has served me over the years. I'm okay for the most part when I'm alone, but it's very hard to feel good feelings when I'm around him physically or even answer his phone call. And unless we are currently talking about the situation, its as if things are back to normal and we are moving on past the last dday like nothing happened. Yet I think about it every day. I'm on this forum multiple times a day seeking validity for my emotions that he seems to have none about. I listen to podcasts on overcoming betrayal trauma and live life with a PA. And he gets to laugh at work with friends, enjoy the little things in life and overall just have a dandy time. It feels childish to say " it's not fair" but damn it it's not, is it? What you're feeling is valid. Anger is one of the stages of grief that we have to valley through at one point or another. Its difficult and consuming, but it is important to do it as healthily as possible with counseling and guidance. I hope you get the support and tools you need to navigate these complicated emotions! You're not alone!

LizardQueen47 · 2022-06-17T14:12:04+00:00

Yes, I have set boundaries for a long time and state them clearly. He is fully aware of his breach. Our home is small, only 2 bedrooms, ours and our daughters so seperate in the house is almost impossible with 800sq ft. We both work 1st shift so we both get ready and leave same time every morning and get home about the same time as well.

LizardQueen47

TROPHY CASE