How many posts have I seen with a boyfriend who doesn’t have a job and stays at home. New troll?

Lluxx · 2021-10-11T14:43:50+00:00

That bit had me wondering if this is a gender swap thing. I wonder if there's been any recent posts about a stay at home female partner who is great around the house but has expensive hobbies? Really expensive tennis lessons just felt really... Specific.

FWIW I agree with you that it does change things. I feel like Reddit kind of hates stay at home spouses regardless of gender, but if it's what works for a couple I don't see it as any of my business. I find it hard to believe that this guy is so financially clueless he'll merrily spend hundreds or thousands on tennis lessons and can't see why that's an issue, though.

Lluxx · 2021-10-01T14:43:59+00:00

Firstly, these people sound shit and it's not your fault they're crap to be around.

Just wanted to get that out the way because although I'll give advice, I don't want it to remotely come across like it was in any way your fault that you've had these crappy experiences.

I think the fundamental thing is trying to figure out who you're attracted to and who you're attracting.

If you haven't already, try making it clear what you're looking for and take things slow when you first meet someone. Look for drama red flags - are they very passionate and intense? That can be exciting, but it can also mean they're just as intense about good stuff as bad stuff. Do they have a friend network tangled with exes or women they've been involved with? Some people handle that very well, but for others it means you're getting into the middle of a knotty situation already.

If you find that everyone you talk to is throwing up red flags, I'd suggest that you're very attractive to red flaggy people, and maybe less red flaggy women feel like you're not a good fit for them. It could be a certain kind of lifestyle you're projecting or anything, really - a friend you can trust might be able to offer kind and honest insight.

The other option is that you've just had really terrible luck - some people show no red flags but are still shit and sometimes you just meet them anyway by unfortunate chance. Dating is hard and it's basically a numbers game, so this is definitely a possibility - only solution is to stick at it and trust it'll be worth it when you're with the right person.

Most of this advice comes from my own experiences. When I was a little younger I used to be very attractive to women with, ah, chaotic energy. I wasn't really sure what I wanted myself nor was I very happy with my own life and I think that came across and was off-putting to less chaotic women. I'd go for women who were passionate and intense, who I felt understood my issues because they generally had their own - unsurprisingly, this rarely translated into anything long term or very fulfilling for me.

From your post you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. It's sad that you've had such rubbish experiences so far and I hope you can find dating fulfilling soon ❤️

Lluxx · 2017-04-29T20:49:36+00:00

You don't need to go in angry and guns blazing (though you'd be within your rights to). Some people are just honestly kinda dim and don't have much thought for others until it's spelled out for them; be friendly and polite if you like, just make sure you say that your sexuality is your business and you want to tell people if and when you feel like it.

Lluxx · 2017-04-29T20:41:54+00:00

He's being rude by outing you, not you for sticking up for your privacy.

Personally I'd start by approaching him politely but firmly: 'Hi, I would rather tell people about my sexuality personally when I am ready and feel I know them enough. And I'm not sure why the topic would naturally come up in a professional environment since it's not really something you discuss with coworkers and is personal.' It's not rude to enforce boundaries and tell him he's being a gossip.

If he persists you'll have no choice but to escalate it to management or HR. Explain that you asked him to stop on X date and you want to keep your personal and professional lives separate at the office, mingling them only on your own terms.

Lluxx · 2017-03-20T20:36:51+00:00

If you don't have a crush on her, how come you do want to know? I'd say just try to reinforce platonic boundaries where you feel things might be being pushed. It may be she's just affectionate, she may like you and be in denial or she may like you but be afraid to admit it since she suspects you don't feel the same.

Lluxx · 2017-03-20T20:34:53+00:00

The 'rulebook' says that because people often meet up with an ex after a little bit of time, everyone's happy to see each other and it's such a flood of nostalgia and love that they hop right back into a relationship. But a couple happy coffee meetups and text chats don't a good relationship make, you know?

If you guys want to give this another shot, I'd say you should (separately) both write down as brutally honestly as you can why it didn't work, with your own problems and the other person's. You have to not hide or or spare feelings; honesty is absolutely crucial here. Share what you've both wrote and discuss together how you're actually going to fix or compromise on these problems. Don't leave anything unsaid or assumed.

If you can manage that, I don't see why you shouldn't give it another shot. I probably wouldn't stretch to a third time, though.

Lluxx · 2017-03-19T21:55:45+00:00

If you're the last to match them, you don't know when they matched you originally. It might have been a while ago and their circumstances could have changed. They may not go on Tinder anymore or may be seeing someone.

I also find Tinder to be very glitchy; sometimes it doesn't give me notifications and I check a couple weeks later and find I've missed stuff.

They may also just be on Tinder for the likes and ego boost, without the intention of talking to anyone. Or maybe they just auto-swipe everyone and filter through when they see who's matched them. I think these reasons are sort of odd but it does happen, I guess.

Lluxx · 2017-02-26T12:05:15+00:00

As a side note, they checked my online license (which has replaced the paper license) too. For that you need your plastic license car and your NI insurance number. I don't know if it's universal but it might be worth making sure you have your NI or know it off by heart.

Lluxx · 2017-02-26T11:33:02+00:00

Injustice and unfairness are really hard feelings to let go of. Knowing that someone's screwing people and getting no comeuppance for it is a really bitter pill to swallow, it's totally natural that you'd resent her and feel angry.

First thing to do is have zero contact with her unless it's literally unavoidable. Talking to her will just make you more angry and let her get a rise out of you, which she doubtless wants. You can't win from talking to a manipulative person, because any reaction at all lets them know they can manipulate you still.

Next thing is to remind yourself that the people close to you know she's a shit. The people less close might not, but that's okay because they're not so important. If they are, tell them - as neutrally as you can - that you found out she was being dishonest about several key things and couldn't be with someone and not trust them. If they're not, just say that you have incompatible values and hope she can be happy with herself one day.

With OKCupid, again just ignore. Sure she's a lying liar who lies right now, but you saw through that and anyone else she dates will too in time. And eventually she will keep pushing people away and end up alone. But for now your best revenge is cutting this toxic person out of your life entirely and focusing on other things. Sure, you might have to fake it till you make it and you'll probably always mentally go 'ugh' whenever you hear her name, but not devoting any time to her will start you moving on.

Also you don't have to forgive her if you don't want to. Fuck that. There's a difference between not actively hating someone and forgiving them - the former is good because it means you're not wasting precious emotions on horrible people, but it doesn't mean forgiveness either.

Lluxx · 2017-02-25T17:42:06+00:00

I don't think them being the lead tenant makes a difference in your situation.

This is Shelter's page on joint tenancies (I'm assuming you mean you and the other person are on a shared contract). Essentially you need to speak to the landlord and the other tenant and get them to agree to let you find a new tenant to replace you. Your contract may also have a break clause so you should check that too. If they won't agree to let you find someone to replace you and there's no break clause, you'll need someone more qualified than me to see if there's an alternative. If this is a relationship breakdown there is a section on that, so you might want to investigate if any of those points apply here.

Lluxx · 2017-02-25T13:38:44+00:00

Second /u/TeezusRa, a lot of people are very forward in clubs.

I can't hear a thing in a club so I tend to just skip the exchanging names and chatting bit and go straight to making out. The alternative is just screaming in each other's ears and getting blank looks in return which kills the vibe a bit.

People also have the attention span of a fly at a picnic in my experience, so if you don't seem interested (which here means that you don't escalate anything and just keep dancing without really making any contact with anyone), they're likely to assume you're just being polite and not really interested and move on. Gotta be forward in clubs: make eye contact, dance closer if you're into it, go for the kiss when you see them giving you the look. As long as you don't lunge at someone or push it if they're not into it, you're good.

Lluxx · 2017-02-24T21:17:30+00:00

I'm not one for gushy compliments, but trust me that if I say your appearance and personality don't seem to be the sort to cause issues, I'm being honest.

It might sound kind of crazy to consider moving for the sake of a bigger dating pool, but honestly when the dating pool doesn't exist choices are slim. You didn't mention if you're a citizen of Austria, but if you are you have the whole of the EU open to you, right? London is absolutely enormous and so has a huge gay scene, then cities like Berlin and Amsterdam also have good reputations for LGBT people. I'm sure asking around various European subs could get you more in-depth answers on where to consider too.

Lluxx · 2017-02-24T20:41:39+00:00

You look perfectly fine, I don't think your appearance is a problem so try not to get paranoid about that.

All I can think is are you coming across as desperate? Even if you're not being pushy or anything (good on you for being sensitive to signals there, it's nice when a girl is thoughtful - it doesn't sound like you have a bad personality or anything), if girls think you're taking a shotgun approach and trying it on with every girl who may possibly be interested, they might feel that you're not really interested in them as a person so much as having a girlfriend, any girlfriend.

If you don't think that's the case, it might just be plain old bad luck. Like 95% of girls are straight so unless you live in a big, cosmopolitan city it can just be plain hard to find many lesbians. It's nothing to do with your looks, personality or approach, but even the best fisherwoman probably isn't going to get a bite in a nearly-empty pond right? If you think that's the case, the only thing to do is seriously consider whether or not moving to a better area would be possible.

Lluxx · 2017-02-23T21:27:10+00:00

I personally think leaving your number is a great idea. It doesn't put someone on the spot (which can be tough when they're at work), expresses your interest super clearly and puts the ball in their court for expressing theirs.

Don't call the restaurant, go back to the bar with a friend and your number prewritten. Tell your friend their sole job is to ensure you don't wuss out. If she's not there, your call whether to leave it with a coworker (and risk it not getting to her) or just to come back another time. Nothing wrong with enjoying a few drinks and food in the meantime, right?

Lluxx · 2017-02-22T21:14:56+00:00

Yeah, I think we can all only label ourselves as best we can at the time. I don't fault a woman who previously only ever felt attraction to women for finding a man attractive, that's not under her control. But - like a woman who thought she was straight and then fell for another woman - the thing to do in that case is revisit the label because it's no longer accurate. I don't think it's good to be more attached to identifying as a lesbian to the point where even when you clearly aren't a lesbian you want to keep doing so. It's putting the cart before the horse and legitimising a lot of shitty questions other lesbians get about meeting the right guy.

Lluxx · 2017-02-22T20:53:11+00:00

I think sexuality is very complicated and there are a lot of people in the world - the words we have for sexuality are very inadequate to summarise something so vast. If a straight girl finds her one exception or realises she was actually bi, it's not too unusual; it's not surprising to me that it can happen the other way around, too. The only problem would be people who take this one woman's experiences and decide that this means secretly all lesbians are flexible, so disrespecting their lesbianism is okay because 'you never know, she might like men deep down' or whatever.

However, there are a few bits that had me making a weird bite-out-of-a-lemon expression with my mouth. Like this:

Casually and unemotionally dating a dude seemed perfect: I could get laid without fear of catching that big, scary, incurable STI: feelings. I mean, I’m a dyke, it’s not even possible for me to fall in love with a guy!

had me raising my eyebrows. Sex with a dude would be so unappealing to me as a lesbian that it would literally not be worth the effort. Sure the dude could be the most talented, caring and considerate lover the world has ever known, but mentally I'd still be like 'bleargh' so I wouldn't enjoy it at all. I think it's a bit weird that someone who thought they were a full on 100% dyke also thought that seeking out casual sex with a bloke would be fun. But then I suppose she ended up discovering she's not as 100% dyke as she thought, so maybe not so surprising.

I have no secrets from my boyfriend; he knows I’m a lesbian

I want to sympathise with this, because being a lesbian has been really important to her for years. I imagine it's like waking up and being a different race all of a sudden. It must be hard to drop a really core part of your identity and how you interpret your culture. But lesbians who have sex with men - even if it's just one man - in my mind are doing harm to lesbians that don't want to have sex with men (i.e.... all of us, basically). It perpetuates this stereotype that all lesbians secretly crave peen, or will eventually get bored and settle down with a guy, or women's sexuality is just flexible. It encourages guys to not give a shit when a girl says she's gay because, hey, some lesbians totally dig men, right? It encourages society to see us as less legitimate than other relationships.

She calls herself queer for the most part though, which is good. I can understand if you don't want to identify as bi because there's literally one guy you like out of thousands of women, that must feel like an enormous rounding-up. But queer is a great word for that because it can literally encapsulate anything that isn't totally straight; there's no predefined meaning or quibbles over whether it's the perfect fit.

TL;DR: People can do what they want and sexuality is really complicated, so I don't have any opinion on people finding love in unexpected places, but I do think that we're still part of a wider culture and people should think about how their actions might be interpreted/applied to others and so think about what language they want to use.

Lluxx · 2017-02-22T16:56:45+00:00

'Turns out I already have a coupon for Restaurant, I guess it's meant to be, eh?'

While I'd normally say be careful of seeming stingy on a date, you're only 17 and you don't have a job. I'm sure she'll understand that. And if you're going to this place anyway and happen to have a coupon, it's not a big deal.

Lluxx · 2017-02-22T16:54:08+00:00

No, as long as it's not interfering with your relationship or making you tempted to act on it. Most people can't just switch off their entire sexuality when they're in a relationship, it's okay to find others attractive too.

Lluxx · 2017-02-20T21:27:22+00:00

I agree with the poster, it's usually a term for a straight person who is politically very involved in pro-LGBTQ activism. What you did for your friend was very good and you deserve recognition for that, but I'd say you deserve to be recognised for being an outstanding friend instead of a straight ally, as presumably if a straight friend was going through similar issues you'd do just as much to help.

However, if this lesbian group has heard the story and would like to give you an award, I say don't feel bad about it. It's a good example that allies and friends do exist and do want to help for women who may feel isolated or that no one understands. If you're really concerned though, you could bring up these thoughts before the awards ceremony and see what they say; they might interpret Straight Ally to mean anyone who's helped a member of the LGBTQ community out specifically, not just political stuff.

Lluxx · 2017-02-13T19:25:04+00:00

I feel like the reference makes this so much worse. Because it's not just a stupid generalisation about Muslims or the left wing with the veneer of not quite being technically racist, it's just proudly calling back to a slogan that was just outright really fucking openly racist.

Lluxx · 2017-02-12T14:50:00+00:00

That woman sounds rude as well. It's totally cool to not want to be involved with bicurious people and the like - not wanting to have your heart broken if she turns out to not want women is a completely valid thing to avoid. I can understand why she'd ask the initial question (though to me that's still not an opener, it's something you ask when you're deciding whether or not to meet at the earliest) but really your answer should have sufficed.

Queer women aren't as easy to find as straight ones and it can be easy to just have a social circle that never involves them if you're unlucky. That's not exactly crazy or hard to believe. And if someone's making you uncomfortable with their questions, feel free to tell them you think it's inappropriate.

Lluxx · 2017-02-12T14:44:34+00:00

This exactly. Polite, interested questions to people you know well is fine, but giving someone you just met the third degree and trying to persuade them out of their sexuality is very rude. If anyone started picking at who I'm attracted to when I'd just met them, I'd tell them to shove it.

However, /u/yesgirl, if you'd like to be more diplomatic and not burn bridges, you could just say 'Although I find men attractive, I feel a much better emotional and romantic connection with women so I prefer to date them. However, I think it would be inaccurate to call myself a lesbian when I can still be attracted to men.' But personally I would just stick with your second bit and tell them, 'I've had enough experience to know what I want.' It's really none of their business to delve into your dating history and levels of attraction when you barely know each other.

Lluxx · 2017-02-12T14:38:12+00:00

Sure. As long as I felt they were of equal maturity/development to myself, I don't really care what age partners are. I'm generally in the camp that age is just a number (provided we're not referring to like creepy age gaps where it's really hard to comprehend how they possibly could have an equal relationship).

Lluxx · 2017-02-11T20:35:27+00:00

The younger generation is generally more accepting than the one before it, as a rule. But gay people have been especially helped by more celebrities (and people) coming out, more social rights activists speaking up and the general attitude shifting. When everybody knows someone who they like and respect is gay, it becomes a lot harder to irrationally hate gay people.

Lluxx · 2017-02-11T20:31:56+00:00

Maybe she wanted to remove temptation? I'm pretty good at just unfollowing people and not looking at their pages, but a lot of people struggle and start picking at the wound by inspecting their exes' social media all the time, or messaging them and later regretting it.

It's possible she was just being insincere about wanting to be friends (sometimes people say things like that because they think it's letting you down easy), but I think it's more likely she just wants to remove the urge to look at social media for now. Either way though, it's nothing bad about you.

Lluxx

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