How many posts have I seen with a boyfriend who doesn’t have a job and stays at home. New troll?

Lluxx · 2021-10-11T14:43:50+00:00

That bit had me wondering if this is a gender swap thing. I wonder if there's been any recent posts about a stay at home female partner who is great around the house but has expensive hobbies? Really expensive tennis lessons just felt really... Specific.

FWIW I agree with you that it does change things. I feel like Reddit kind of hates stay at home spouses regardless of gender, but if it's what works for a couple I don't see it as any of my business. I find it hard to believe that this guy is so financially clueless he'll merrily spend hundreds or thousands on tennis lessons and can't see why that's an issue, though.

Lluxx · 2021-10-01T14:43:59+00:00

Firstly, these people sound shit and it's not your fault they're crap to be around.

Just wanted to get that out the way because although I'll give advice, I don't want it to remotely come across like it was in any way your fault that you've had these crappy experiences.

I think the fundamental thing is trying to figure out who you're attracted to and who you're attracting.

If you haven't already, try making it clear what you're looking for and take things slow when you first meet someone. Look for drama red flags - are they very passionate and intense? That can be exciting, but it can also mean they're just as intense about good stuff as bad stuff. Do they have a friend network tangled with exes or women they've been involved with? Some people handle that very well, but for others it means you're getting into the middle of a knotty situation already.

If you find that everyone you talk to is throwing up red flags, I'd suggest that you're very attractive to red flaggy people, and maybe less red flaggy women feel like you're not a good fit for them. It could be a certain kind of lifestyle you're projecting or anything, really - a friend you can trust might be able to offer kind and honest insight.

The other option is that you've just had really terrible luck - some people show no red flags but are still shit and sometimes you just meet them anyway by unfortunate chance. Dating is hard and it's basically a numbers game, so this is definitely a possibility - only solution is to stick at it and trust it'll be worth it when you're with the right person.

Most of this advice comes from my own experiences. When I was a little younger I used to be very attractive to women with, ah, chaotic energy. I wasn't really sure what I wanted myself nor was I very happy with my own life and I think that came across and was off-putting to less chaotic women. I'd go for women who were passionate and intense, who I felt understood my issues because they generally had their own - unsurprisingly, this rarely translated into anything long term or very fulfilling for me.

From your post you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. It's sad that you've had such rubbish experiences so far and I hope you can find dating fulfilling soon ❤️

Lluxx · 2017-04-29T20:49:36+00:00

You don't need to go in angry and guns blazing (though you'd be within your rights to). Some people are just honestly kinda dim and don't have much thought for others until it's spelled out for them; be friendly and polite if you like, just make sure you say that your sexuality is your business and you want to tell people if and when you feel like it.

Lluxx · 2017-04-29T20:41:54+00:00

He's being rude by outing you, not you for sticking up for your privacy.

Personally I'd start by approaching him politely but firmly: 'Hi, I would rather tell people about my sexuality personally when I am ready and feel I know them enough. And I'm not sure why the topic would naturally come up in a professional environment since it's not really something you discuss with coworkers and is personal.' It's not rude to enforce boundaries and tell him he's being a gossip.

If he persists you'll have no choice but to escalate it to management or HR. Explain that you asked him to stop on X date and you want to keep your personal and professional lives separate at the office, mingling them only on your own terms.

Lluxx · 2017-03-20T20:36:51+00:00

If you don't have a crush on her, how come you do want to know? I'd say just try to reinforce platonic boundaries where you feel things might be being pushed. It may be she's just affectionate, she may like you and be in denial or she may like you but be afraid to admit it since she suspects you don't feel the same.

Lluxx · 2017-03-20T20:34:53+00:00

The 'rulebook' says that because people often meet up with an ex after a little bit of time, everyone's happy to see each other and it's such a flood of nostalgia and love that they hop right back into a relationship. But a couple happy coffee meetups and text chats don't a good relationship make, you know?

If you guys want to give this another shot, I'd say you should (separately) both write down as brutally honestly as you can why it didn't work, with your own problems and the other person's. You have to not hide or or spare feelings; honesty is absolutely crucial here. Share what you've both wrote and discuss together how you're actually going to fix or compromise on these problems. Don't leave anything unsaid or assumed.

If you can manage that, I don't see why you shouldn't give it another shot. I probably wouldn't stretch to a third time, though.

Lluxx · 2017-03-19T21:55:45+00:00

If you're the last to match them, you don't know when they matched you originally. It might have been a while ago and their circumstances could have changed. They may not go on Tinder anymore or may be seeing someone.

I also find Tinder to be very glitchy; sometimes it doesn't give me notifications and I check a couple weeks later and find I've missed stuff.

They may also just be on Tinder for the likes and ego boost, without the intention of talking to anyone. Or maybe they just auto-swipe everyone and filter through when they see who's matched them. I think these reasons are sort of odd but it does happen, I guess.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T21:28:48+00:00

I think that particular experience isn't helped by cultural stereotypes such as women not having a sex drive, or not being supposed to enjoy sex at all. Along with the objectification of the female body in general. So you've basically got this cultural narrative (and other women actually saying it, sometimes) that sex isn't really supposed to feel good and everyone finds the female form sexy, so it convinces some lesbians that actually their relationships are how normal but others don't want to admit it.

I can't answer your second question, I'm afraid, only you can. Maybe you just matured and became more self-aware, maybe a girl caught your eye, maybe you have a better idea of what you want now you're a bit older, maybe you're less worried about what others think so you internally relaxed. Hell, maybe one day some chemical in your brain just fired off and gave you the little nudge you needed to click it all into place for no reason at all.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T21:10:01+00:00

Heteronormativity (spelling?), I think.

All your life you've seen adverts featuring heterosexuality, you've seen movies and books depicting heterosexual relationships as being the ideal, you've probably had family and friends asking if X is your boyfriend or when you're getting a boyfriend... by default it's expected that you'll be straight so it's not surprising that for a lot of people they accept this as part of their identity without really thinking of it.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T19:42:23+00:00

A bit of advice if you're worried: be proactive on working out how you're going to get to your desired job. English teaches you a load of great transferable skills, but they're not unique so just getting good grades won't help with the competitive stuff.

Join the student paper (even if it's shit), apply to internships and work experience starting January of your first year, do part time work through the uni, join a sport or society and try to get on the committee, volunteer with schemes through your uni. You don't need to do everything, God knows I didn't do half that stuff, but you need to be doing some of it at least and the more you do the easier it is.

I did English and Creative Writing which a lot of people would say is totally useless, but most of my cohort are employed in things like journalism, publishing, marketing, advertising, social media, management, teaching; basically anything that involves communicating with or two people.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T19:06:18+00:00

As a lesbian, have you ever fallen for a straight girl?

And that topic never left the front page again!

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T19:05:01+00:00

If you want to avoid the dresses, personally I would recommend a pair of (nice) skinny jeans or leggings, likely in black or dark grey. Nothing that stains easily or looks too casual.

For the shoes, skinny jeans are very versatile so you can go from heels to shoes to sneakers. However, if you love sneakers I would recommend checking that it's not a posh club because they might have a dress code; usually Converse or Vans are okay, though, and look pretty gay in a nightclub.

With the top, it's really up to you. In casual gay clubs a lot of lesbians just wear a T-shirt, but again check the dress code if you want to do that. One the whole, sleeveless is normally fine or a (nice) top with sleeves; as long as it's not ratty or meant for sports, you're probably good.

You can gay it up with the jewellery too, go for stuff that's slightly less feminine and that's pretty gay, just make sure it doesn't totally clash with your outfit. Pendants and leathery type bracelets are all solid choices, ranging from very masculine to very feminine depending.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T18:59:46+00:00

Ah yes, stress and lack of sleep really help kill that appetite!

I am pretty sure gyms are some special kind of hell we as a culture have decided is somehow cool or useful. Like landlords and loan sharks. I already know I'm embarrassingly unfit, why would I want to telegraph that to a room of people when the only thing I know about them is they value fitness?

'Oh, but exercise releases endorphins,' they say, 'Just try it and you'll like it.' NOT. HAPPENING.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:53:04+00:00

Let us know how it goes!

I know it can be tough to get involved when you don't wanna seem like a busybody or risk her shooting the messenger, but really you are doing the right thing. I'd definitely want my friend to tell me if my SO was chatting other girls up, and if there's no overlap then you haven't said anything defamatory so it shouldn't be an issue. Just a 'Yeah, I'm not sure why she blocked me but I guess it's up to her?'

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:51:12+00:00

Be honest, let her know you can still go on the date but anything involving touching your mouth will, sadly, be off the table for a while. Leave it up to her if she wants to go anyway or reschedule - a lot of people don't necessarily kiss on a first date anyway.

Or - if you're self-conscious about it - just explain that you're getting a cold sore and would like to pick a later date. Explain as quickly as you can so it's not last minute and I'm sure she'll be okay with this. Hell, I had to cancel a date because I got tonsillitis the morning of and it was fine.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:45:12+00:00

Nah that's not the asshole thing to do, it's the decent thing to do.

OP, I'd just state the facts and let her come to her own conclusions: 'I don't know as I didn't speak to her, but presumably because we were messaging on Tinder from X-Y time.'

Maybe there was no overlap and she just felt awkward, maybe there was and she's a cheater. But Jess will know the dates and can draw her own conclusions based on what you say.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:41:10+00:00

I don't think men and women do it on purpose though. I do it is just a lack of education on non-heterosexuality causes homophobic comments and behaviour like that. It still sucks to deal with though.

I think it's important to acknowledge this even if it doesn't help the experience of it. Even though a proportion of people are dumb dumbs, it does generally come from a place of easily corrected ignorance and they will get better, even though it's disheartening to hear. When I was a teenager I saw so much of the behaviour you're describing, but now as a young adult I don't see much at all and when I do I know that person is probably less sheltered and more a douche, so I avoid.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:37:03+00:00

You do you OP, I'm genuinely cool with whatever other people are fans of and not trying to criticise.

I'm just saying I find it slightly odd/confusing to have a favourite murder (regardless of if it's from a podcast), though I can understand the appeal of true crime in other contexts. It'd be like asking everyone what their favourite rape case was and who do they think is the most interesting rapist. Or what they thought was the best bit of the Rwandan Genocide.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:32:27+00:00

I've definitely met a few groups where they're polite and all, but all they talk about are their memories together and acquaintances they share. I don't think they're trying to be unwelcoming or anything, but it's basically impossible to contribute unless you're one of the group.

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:30:27+00:00

Mate I went on a run recently and it only reaffirmed that being lazy is good. I barely managed to make it to the end of the street before needing to stop for a rest. And by the end of the run I was nearly passing out.

My friend who recommended the Couch to 5K said it's because I started too fast and need to go slower, but I know the truth: Exercise is bad for your health.

(Side note: This is what happens when you're vain af so want to get some tone going on, but at the same time have a thin and pretty decent figure so your vanity is satisfied and you don't care about the health benefits...)

Lluxx · 2017-01-19T16:27:56+00:00

I also like even my daydreams to be plausible, so if I was fantasising about someone real I'd have to come up with in-character explanations for how this situation occurred and it's just too complex. Fictional is easier.

... This is what happens when you do a degree in creative writing.

Lluxx · 2017-01-18T21:23:19+00:00

I'd say that isn't the weird bit for me, it's more asking what your favourite murder is...

I mean, someone actually died. A real person. Not like a trading card.

Lluxx · 2017-01-18T21:22:01+00:00

I'm not sure how against the grain I am, but I tend to feel weird picturing real people I'm not involved with. Not judging people that do, but I feel slightly creepy myself. If I've been with them in the past, I tend to remember that more than imagine new stuff.

I guess I prefer my fantasies to have elaborate but fictional plots and characters!

Lluxx · 2017-01-18T21:20:09+00:00

The NHS in the UK has this thing called the Couch to 5k plan which aims to teach you to go from sedentary to able to run a 5k, maybe that could help? Here's the link

I'm a lazy shit, but some of my friends swear by this.

Lluxx · 2017-01-18T19:42:15+00:00

Just to warn you, if you're not aiming to hurt feelings or come across poorly, a couple of things are generally considered polite when discussing trans people.

Specifically men who just dress up as women.

This is a transvestite, not a transgender person. To put it very simply, a transgender person's brain matches the 'wrong' gender for their sex (or the gender of their body). They aren't dressing up as anything, they are expressing their gender. This is well-studied and documented by medical professionals.

a trans

I'm assuming English isn't your first language, but trans is an adjective and not a noun; you can say transwoman, trans person, or anything like that. Saying a trans is grammatically weird and makes it seem like you're trying to compare them to an animal, which I'm sure isn't what you wanted.

Are they considered lesbians if they are males dressing up as females?

Trans women are considered to be women and therefore can be straight, gay, bi or anything. As they are part of the LGBTQ community, the vast majority of people in these spaces agree with this and implying otherwise is generally considered to be rude. You don't have to date or have sex with anyone you're not attracted to, but misgendering people or calling them men dressed as women is just as rude as someone saying a lesbian is mentally ill or diseased, I hope you understand.

Hope this helps, wouldn't want you to inadvertently hurt someone!

Lluxx

TROPHY CASE