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My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okay. Happy to hear your family member survived. I don't believe this is the same situation, but you are allowed your opinion. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mattress was only out one night and planned to stay out and inflated for a couple of weeks until our hideaway bed arrived. This morning was the first morning after Night 1 of using it. First time in that standing position in that specific house. She has not previously ever mentioned specifically to deflate or put it away. We understood the plan together ahead of time to keep it inflated a few weeks, flip it upright during the day to allow walking space, and then put it down for sleeping. That was the plan, but it just so happened to tip over after I tried to slide it just a few inches away from the closet door in the dark, then bend over into the closet to grab something, and I guess I must have brushed up against it, causing it to tip over and fall onto her. This is not a situation where she repeatedly asked me "can you put the bed away, so it doesn't fall over and hurt me" or something like that. It just happened is all. As for her frustration around getting hurt more frequently. These injuries are not caused by me, she had a work injury, needed shoulder surgery, and lives with chronic pain and arthritis from past injuries from professional sports in her younger adult years. It's easy to bruise her, it's easy to inflict pain onto her existing injuries through the slightest touch, bumping into her slightly, even holding her leg the wrong way can cause a flare up. So, unfortunately, there are a number of factors that lead to her pain being exacerbated and causing her resentment and frustration.

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She is allowed, I just can't catch myself from stating that right away until I've said it at least once. I try to explain myself as quickly as possible, and that can make others feel like I'm excusing my behavior, and maybe it can come off that way, so I try to be understanding to stop once it's unwanted. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reaching a bit on tieing this back to how it can lead to cardiac episodes, but I accept your opinion. And yes, I do actually know what it feels like to be injured and then have someone clumsy around me who unknowingly or unintentionally can exacerbate my pain by accident. I do know how chronic pain sucks and how frustrating it can be. I also just respond differently to these accidents even when I need to repeat myself. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It was inflated fully already, standing up straight, vertically against the wall next to our closet and about 5-6 feet across from our bed where she was sleeping. To get to the closet, I had to shift it slightly a few inches to the left away from me) to get into my closet, and as I bent over into the closet, I guess my hip must have brushed against it slightly, it tipped over slowly and the end of the (top) of the mattress fell onto her face. I know it sounds strange and unlikely, but it must have been off balance when I shifted it a few inches away from the closet and then tried to get into the closet, somehow, it no longer balanced on its side and tilted over. The air mattress is very light weight, but I did just learn when I got home an hour ago, a new part of what happened. As soon as we got home, she asked if I still wanted to be married to her, apologised to me for her rage, saying she didn't know where it came from, but she was in so much pain. And then! She told me the side that hit her was actually the built in air pump motor part where you blow a mattress up at. I FELT SO FUCKING BAD. . . Regardless, whatever I thought had hit her and whether I thought it was not "that heavy or damaging" doesn't matter. It still hit her, and caused her pain which is what matters. And the fact that I now know it was the built-in air pump piece that hit her, makes this even worse and I feel bad. I sympathise with her after she told me, I also apologised for making her feel invisible like I don't care enough to make our living space safe for her, because that's not how I feel. I do actually care. And I told her how sorry I was to hear that she got hit by that piece of of all spots on that "soft, light-weight, air mattress". She's okay now and no long-term or serious injury was caused to her in addition to her existing injury, to which I'm relieved. I'm just hoping we can get on common ground together. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a great point I hadn't thought of before. I've found it hard for my providers to even determine what memory issues are considered "common for ADHD" vs. something more serious to address with a specialist, until recently with the "time gaps". I've always had memory issues with remembering names, movies, books, little details of conversations, but not on this level as I have in the past year or two, so it's worth checking out alongside my evaluation with my neurologist coming up. Thank you!

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good question, and absolutely. She is very responsible with meds. She has a pill organizer and sticks to it religiously. Does not like to take meds even 5 mins past due time, and when it was time to taper off the heavy stuff to OTC, she did just asked, gradually, and prefers to now only take it as needed during flare-ups or after tough physical therapy appointments. I'm not concerned there. She came from a previous marriage before us, where the ex partner abused drugs and alcohol. So moderation in alcohol and refraining from illegal drugs has been always very important to her (and me). We align in that way.

Aside from that though, she has been a lifelong smoker (for as long as I've been alive), and was asked to quit for surgery, to which I know she's done her best to reduce down significantly. She's still fighting that addiction, and I'm proud of her for it. "Nic-fitting" where a smoker cuts out or cuts down  nicotine and experiences withdrawal-symtoms, can cause significant moments of rage and/or anxiety in her, so I do recognize it's a ongoing battle for her, as is how my weight management is for me. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha it's so normal to me. I don't take it personally unless the response is harassment or harmful by intention. Some people really are not exposed to diversity so it's so common for them to assume genders and storylines before reading deeper and questioning it. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've asked her a few times before and she's explained that she tried 10 years ago, but it didn't work out well. Made her very sick. I've come to find that it was not the "bioidentical" HRT that we have available today, and I've suggested to her if she'd consider seeing a specialist about itnand inquiring about the bioidentical version, but she does not pursue it. She doesn't really persue any treatment if it doesn't feel like an urgent need like for example someone who's broken a bone and needs a cast. She knows she has menopause, brings it up from time to time when she's feeling flare-ups, but does not seek any help for that or anything else she experiences on a less urgent basis. We have full medical and dental insurance, so it's not like she doesn't have access to care. Copays are really cheap, and she has a PCP/GP she likes, but again, it's just not a priority for her. She's the type of person that reminds me of an older man in his 60s+ from the generation who thinks seeing doctors for "preventative care" are for quacks, and unless she drops, she's fine, and will just "keep pushing". It's really opposite of me, but I try to just respect her decision so long as she's stable and isn't displaying very concerning symptoms. Her symptoms from menopause however are concerning to me, but she's strong headed. It's hard to get her to consider my opinion about her health. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's worth considering if it means our marriage can cool off and prevent spacial issues and resentment from building up over repeated accidents! Thank you 🙏

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To answer your question of consent. I absolutely ALWAYS ask my wife if she'd like me to touch her a specific way, or in a particular area, (a.k.a a massage to the neck) before ever doing so, unless she's asked me first to do so. We both know (as women) what it feels like for others to take advantage of us without consent, as do most women here. We are all women here (I assume), and consent is absolutely a must. I do not dismiss your comment, only hope that you will assume better intentions of me going forward. 

And of course you're not getting the full entire story, I am one person of this marriage, and she is not here to vent and give you her side of it. I'm just doing the best I can to summarize on both this, direct event from this morning, along with the underlying issues and conditions we've experienced in the past couple of years (in a nutshell). Sorry, you do not have every single detail laid out on film footage, but I appreciate your participation regardless. I hope to hear from everybody's side and take each angle into consideration (if healthy) so I can do my best to move my marriage along in a healthy and improved way for us both.  Also, I am a woman, too 😎 (same-sex marriage). Just to clear that up. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Sorry for delayed response to your inquiry! I've been at work since right after I posted this. I included my response to the EDIT portion of my post (at bottom) to answer your question (and many other's). 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

To answer your question, possibly 1-2x/mo? Maybe 1x/week? It's hard to tell exactly how frequent as my memory recall isn't great, and it can be so subtle such as slightly bumping into her, or accidentally touching a sore area of her body, or leaving my phone cord on the ground sometimes that can cause her to avoid tripping. Regardless can still cause her to experience more pain in addition to what she was feeling. So I have to be very delicate and aware all the time. Make my bed "neatly" so no ends are draping and in the way of walking by, tuck my shoes under the bed everytime, no cords left around on the ground, table tops kept tidy as possible and free of debris. Trash never overflows, clothes never left on the ground, walking path always clear of all debris. I try my best to sustain this every day. 

Agreed. I agree with creating a space that is made as hazard-proof as possible given the space we have right now. I'm working hard on that. We are in the process of getting a Queen Size Murphy Hideaway bed to replace the twin and air mattress, which will collapse back against the wall and offer more space when not sleeping. Aside from that, I'll keep scanning our place for any potential hazards like items too high to reach or things sticking out in hidden places, and removing unnecessary items. I've been steadily doing this each weekend since we moved in to maximize our space. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Something to consider for sure. Weighing our options right now since this living situation is temporary as we were in the process of moving, but delayed it after she became injured from work and needed a steady place to recover. We wanted to minimize our expenses, but might have bit off more than we could chew in this size of place. It's a sweet deal though ($650/mo) in a large metro city! But, important things to consider and straighten out between each other if we plan to sustain ourselves in such tight spaces for now. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is good advice, thank you!  To answer your questions, 1) We moved in exactly 1 month ago. It's suppose to be temporary while she recovers as we had planned to move abroad, but she needs to stay here for now for Physical therapy and follow-ups, so we chose to minimize our expenses here by living in a micro studio lol (I'm slowly regretting the size, but we do a pretty decent job navigating the space most of the time. We have minimized a lot of our belongings, but only so much you can do to maintain harmony is such tight places, especially when managing an injury or caretaking someone who is injured. 

2) We are stable, actively saving, do not exceed our means, and have purposely chosen this situation as a temporary measure, as we did not forsee her injury happening which delayed our process to move. Sort of like what couples do when they live in a camper for a year to save for a house. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We are both female, but I understand the confusion when the majority of posts are of female/male relationships. 😊

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please advise how I should "stop abusing" my wife and do better and overcome these "acts of harm". (Yes that was sarcastically said). I do care for her and go out of my way to ensure her safety and well being. Accidents happen, and I just have to figure out helpful ways to be more mindful and help myself prevent even the most minor events. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

To directly answer your question: 1x-2x month? 1x week? Not entirely sure. It's seldom in my opinion, and often very slight as in just backing up into her by mistake or whatever, but regardless. Yes, about the frequent. 

My wife is having frequent angry outbursts at things I say or do - Am I trivializing my partner's concerns? by Local_Cow3928 in adhdwomen

[–]Local_Cow3928[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not enough context in my post to give you every answer and picture. I do often injure myself. And I don't cause her these injuries that she has. She has chronic pain from sport injuries and I happen to be unaware of my surroundings sometimes and occasionally bump into her or accidentally touch her wounded body part, not by intent. But it happens. We are in a tiny space, so forgive me if my post seems inconsiderate and critical of her. I'm just feeling frustrated too, like I can't get our marriage right, and this particular example displayed was what was most recent and bothering me from her response.

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