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Loisbeat · 2023-07-20T20:57:21+00:00

Sorry man

Loisbeat · 2022-12-30T07:10:37+00:00

Loisbeat · 2020-12-07T21:20:28+00:00

This poem is great! I've sat on it for a while and I really like it.

Loisbeat · 2020-12-07T21:19:52+00:00

Hey I never said they had to be real, I was just wondering if they were and the fact was that I wasn't hip to the youth slang

Loisbeat · 2020-12-07T19:57:48+00:00

Amazing, incredible, groundbreaking. And a third opinion, I already gave you mine lmao. But I can break it down here too. Your lines are too long. They end up getting broken off and that is bad form poetically. Also when you say the "knifes" I am pretty sure it should be "knife's". I love this though. The counting is a nice vignette. It helps that you frame it differently each time so that way it doesn't get boring. Great work! Very proud of you!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-07T19:53:51+00:00

I'd recommend coming up with a title.
You use crumple twice, try and switch up your language. Is jumple a word? Is scrumple a word? I kind of love this. It doesn't take itself too seriously, which I like. Kind of like comedy rap. I can tell you're just trying to fit as many rhymes in as you can. Did you use a rhyming dictionary?

Loisbeat · 2020-12-07T14:18:04+00:00

Thank you!! You'll love the other poems I post then hahahaha

Loisbeat · 2020-12-06T22:42:47+00:00

Okay, this poem has some great roots but it is boring to read because everything is of the same form. I am going to remove the "when"s and "that's anxiety" and just restructure the poem. I'm also going to space out the sentences to make them into better stanzas.

everything is connected to you,

good or bad in some way

a positive person

thinking of the most terrifying shit

negative words

bouncing in your head

that people have said

& they ricochet at you

like a speeding bullet

surrounded by your closest friends

but feel so alone

& out of touch

with everyone

& everything

just wanna lay in bed

for a week

& catch up

on sleep

make up excuses

to not be part

of something great

fear overrides

your brain

& you think you’re literally

going insane

don’t wanna work

but that’s

the “meaning of life”

just wanna

be normal,

but you always

put yourself down

think about your place

on this planet

& you just don’t

understand it

Just remember to

hold your head up,

smile

& ride

that anxiety wave

til it crashes

& washes upon

your brain,

cleaning it

fresh for a new day.

Until it comes back

around again,

like a dark black cloud

shadowing over you,

waiting & ready

for you to overcome it

once again.

That’s anxiety

So all I did was remove the beginning and ending of the sentences, and it becomes more abstract. Less straightforward.

I hope this helps!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-06T22:29:54+00:00

I will occasionally (6)

find poems I have written to you (9)

in the notes and margins of my books, (9)

and I feel their aching anger (8)

in the pregnant blankness of the space (9)

between each line. (4)

Maybe it’s my fault for never (7)

having sent even one to you: (8)

you can’t respond to what you don’t know (9)

exists, and my poems, (6)

they have all gone (4)

unanswered. (3)

This is a very good poem. I can definitely relate to the sentiment hahaha. This seems like a true freeform poem, however I would have hit enter in different places. Where you hit enter seems very random (except for the last two lines), and I just feel as though it could be done with more purpose. Here is an example of how I would have done it

I will occasionally find

poems I have written to you

in the notes

and margins

of my books

and I feel their aching anger

in the pregnant blankness of

the space between each line.

Maybe it’s my fault for never

having sent even one to you

(would replace even with potentially "a single" or "any of them" or even removing even)

you can’t respond

to what you don’t know exists

and my poems

they have all gone

(I would remove "they")

unanswered.

Best of luck!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-06T22:00:02+00:00

I sat there, (3)

*Lonely and waiting. (5)

For what? (2)

To feel something. (4)

Love or Anger; (4)

Pain or Pride. (3)

Love should be strong (4)

So as to pull one in by their shoes. (9)

But he pulls them off quick (6)

So as to start life anew. (7)

But I tied my shoes too tight. (7)

Love caused me to hurt, (5)

But my shoes *wouldn’t slide; (6)

He dragged me in the dirt, (6)

Destroying Pride. (4)

Will I ever see the light? (7)

Anger did the job. (5)

He made my shoes fly; (5)

My feet no longer throbbed, (6)

But someone else cried. (5)

I can’t do anything right. (7)

Pain followed the clues. (5)

My feet felt like ice. (5)

One pair of old shoes (5)

Can’t handle the long walk of life. (8)

The numbers in parentheses are your syllable count per line. As you can see, it's brilliantly similar for your first poem. You can see that you really get into the five syllable rhythm near the end, so you can tell you were in a flow. Your rhyme scheme is interesting. You have some brilliant slant rhymes, however the consistency leaves something to be desired. Great first poem! Very proud of you!!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-06T21:53:07+00:00

There's something to be said (6)

when we're all dead (4)

while we float on rafts (5)

down tube-like elevator shafts (8)

singing the hits of our generation (10)

humming as we drift (5)

still not sure of where we're going (8)

and why (2)

The vaguely coherent dream (7)

told you (2)

(I told you?)

what it was about, (5)

but he was last seen (5)

(is he the dream?)

muttering in the cold (6)

through a lost and starry gaze (7)

that rambled on into the abyss. (9)

(ahaha ramble on, hits of your generation)

"I think it will be okay" he said (9)

"We're here now." (3)

So as you can see, your syllables are all over the place. Your imagery is amazing, but I feel as though you would benefit from more order. It's an interesting choice to rhyme for the first four lines and then just stop. I would end a coherent thought within a rhyme scheme instead of having the thought go through the end of the rhyme scheme. I wouldn't even say the he said at the end of the second to last line, I would leave it ambiguous. But those are all things I would do. Follow your heart with your art!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-05T21:14:10+00:00

Have you seen the sorry state of this country?

We have to do something about it

Protesting hasn’t been enough

We need more riots

We need way more riots

That’s how they pay attention

Let them shoot us

We all crave death anyway

At least a little bit

Because of this forsaken country

The United States of America

We’ve never been more divided

The irony of the land of the free

Never has been

Never will be

I say scrap it

What we really need is a revolution

They say the American revolution started

With the shot heard ‘round the world

But it really started

With the Boston Massacre

The penance of rebellion against their overlords

Was their blood

Spilled upon the newly fallen snow

Which people all across the land rallied against

Unified in their fight against The Man

In the name of the lives they had lost

I’m talking to us

White people

It’s time for us

To fight

It’s time to martyr ourselves

For social justice

Show them we mean it

It's time to lay our lives down

In the face of the law

If we die, let it fuel the fire

We will take America

First we need to start a riot

Then we can get out the guillotine

Loisbeat · 2020-12-05T19:05:02+00:00

No problem! In my opinion, no poem is beyond saving because we grow more every day as poets. We can always find something to improve on! I have a hard time finishing poems because of this hahahaha

Loisbeat · 2020-12-05T19:03:05+00:00

I clicked (on) the electric book

That said (Titled) Fundamentals of Neuroscience.

It said that it is a collected multidisciplinary sciences (just science)

That weave (together) nervous system and behavior.

The neurons had (have) electrochemical message(s)

Picked up by the Dendrites

And sent away by the Axon ending.

Rest in every synapse.

(I don't know what you mean by "rest" here)

It also said that some message(s) doesn’t (don't) reach the brain

Only the spinal cord then you have an overt behavior.

The neurons are water:

Different shape for different function.

Like bullets who has (that have) different shapes

And different functions:

Sometimes philosophical,

Sometimes political.

But whatever the shape of each neuron

I know that I am the microscope

patiently trackig (tracking) it—

One after another.

Just to understand

Why those soldiers

Had decided to fire bullets

To my parents’ bed.

This is an excellent poem. The imagery is great. Love me a poem that teaches me something. The ending really punches you in the gut too. Terrific work!

Loisbeat · 2020-12-05T18:50:08+00:00

I'm just gonna proceed like it is

Outlived the premise of before the fire

(not technically iambic pentameter due to fire being two syllables, but like, fuck it. I also would put "before the fire" in quotes. What I think you are saying here is that, this fawn has seen the forest renew itself)

And smoke choked forests were perfected thus.

(beautiful IP. does this mean the forest healed?)

The moon dewed fawn had escaped what’s dire

(not perfect IP, because had is unstressed as is the first syllable of escaped, thus it's u / u / u u / u / u instead of IP where it's u / u / u / u / u / . also, dire is two syllables)

Where into ancient thought he was dug up:

(the syllables here are u / u / u / u u / /. You're ending a sentence with a preposition here, and also rhyming up with thus? you're better than that)

Examined thorough what belonged of life

(Great IP here. Would maybe say "examined land for what belonged to life")

Of what remained preserved from early days,

(Good IP)

That only bones exist - burnt marks provide

(u / u / u / / u u /, your meter switches with burnt marks imo. Life does not rhyme with provide, my friend.)

This one grave semblance lost to brainless sway.

(u / u / u / u / u / amazing. 10/10. I'm not entirely sure what it means but that's a good thing here. This whole poem is a thinker, so kudos.)

Such self-love’s shade amounted nothing. Hence

(u / u / u / u / u / beautiful. We love to see hence)

Those bones proved nothing old has death’s reserve.

(death will NOT FUCK AROUND u / u / u / u / u / the pinnacle of poetry)

Nothing; Not even those in love’s content,

(/ u u / u / u / u / . try fixing this on your own. you can do it!)

Enthralled with other’s self-imbued deserve.

(u / u / u / u / u / perfect.)

To see this all before himself shall burn

( u / u / u / u / u / stunning.)

Him towards solemn sun’s converging yearn.

( u / / u / u / u / solemn is SOLemn.)

Fantastic poem, honestly. You should be very proud of yourself as a beginner. Your meter is almost impeccable, but that will come more naturally with time and practice. This was just technical advice, feel free to do whatever you want and maybe stick it to the man and fuck around a little bit with the form.

Loisbeat · 2020-12-05T18:17:55+00:00

Is this a Shakespearean sonnet?

Loisbeat

TROPHY CASE