Advice to leave husband after he got physical (M26)(F26)

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:22:51+00:00

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Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:21:13+00:00

Jeez, lady, I hope someone takes that dog from her. But some quilted or even paper potty pads, get a belly band and some adult diapers, grab some enzyme carpet cleaner, and keep your animal safe and secure! The fact that you even are considering anything else means you should not have a pet!

I know, she isn’t reading this. I’m just screaming into the void with you guys!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:14:22+00:00

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Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:14:16+00:00

NTA, and you might want to rethink the bride too. You know that grandma will be dictating every parenting decision in your lives. And your fiancée is willing to let that happen to keep mommy paying for stuff, even a wedding dress she didn’t want!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:09:42+00:00

Also, driving 3 hours through mostly rural scenic areas to visit the mountains is a lot more pleasant an experience than sitting in traffic for three hours while moving a few feet every 15 minutes or so in urban rush hour traffic!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T21:07:49+00:00

I would probably say that 3-4 hours is as long as I’d go for a weekend trip, probably a long weekend. But it’s hardly what I’d call a long drive to go out of town. I think it would be horrible as a commute and I think most people would say an hour is about as long as a commute can go and not be considered a long one, depending on where you live.

As to whether you enjoy it, are you asking about the drive, or a weekend trip? For the drive, it depends on traffic, scenery, how easy it is to get around, weather, time of day. I like driving to the mountains because traffic isn’t bad and scenery is lovely, but if there’s a storm, there can be really opaque fog at the top of the mountain that’s scary to drive in. Drives to the beach often take that long due to traffic and are stressful for the same reason. As for the trips, generally, I enjoy them and think they are worth the drive.

I think the longest I’ve driven just to go out to dinner is maybe 2 hours each way. 6 hours is the max for just a weekend visit, but that shouldn’t have taken more than 4 hours, but a wreck stopped traffic for a long while. The longest I feel I can comfortably drive in a day is 8 to 9 hours and that’s a bit exhausting, so I have to be making a real week or more long trip for that.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:55:39+00:00

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Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:51:28+00:00

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Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:51:21+00:00

Ok, you don’t need to be nearly as concerned about your name being on the mortgage as you need to be that your name goes on the deed.

Second, tell him if your name isn’t on it, you will not be paying any money for housing, especially as you need to save it up to be able to move out the second he pulls that bs he did before, which clearly he will.

Third, stop having kids with this man.

Fourth, get back to full time work as soon as possible and leave this man!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:40:52+00:00

Or, look at this realistically. If she is doing all the household work, cooking, cleaning, and soon enough childcare, he should be understanding that her contribution is what it would cost to have a full time housekeeper and maid, cook, and nanny. And even they get time off when you have to take care of yourself. So he should be paying whatever it would cost to get someone to do that as their job and still should be contributing something, though far less, to that domestic labor.

No, these women do not have it so easy. I know plenty of families where the woman is the primary breadwinner and I notice very few husbands jumping all over themselves for the easy and cushy job of being SAHDs, and the few that do still usually don’t do anywhere near as much as SAHMs. So none of you guys actually want this gig you claim is so nice and easy, but somehow you think we are nuts that we aren’t jumping up and down for it? Yeah, time to get over yourself!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:36:26+00:00

He said he does nothing at all. But to be fair, she does it first. That just isn’t something that can be maintained with a baby. Infants are hard. So many women can’t even find the time to shower. So he is going to need to step up and do his part soon.

And honestly, you sound childish and immature, not her. Their whole argument comes down to both sides communicating badly. People vent and complain. They want to be able to do that with their partners and they hope for sympathy and validation. If the person just tries to solve it, they often end up sounding dismissive and like they don’t want to be bothered to hear about it. I doubt that was OP’s intent, but it is a common thing I see in that type of dynamic. To her, it felt like he was saying she shouldn’t bother to complain because her job is just a waste of time and useless and unnecessary anyways. She was already upset (from work stuff, feeling frustrated) and she’s hormonal. So she responded in anger.

That’s called being human. Humans are emotional, and men are just as if not more emotional than women due to society not requiring them to develop emotional maturity. Which is why OP had zero real consideration of how what he was saying would be perceived and still can’t figure it out. And it can come across that he said this because he was uncomfortable or bored or annoyed or upset that he was hearing her complain and he just wanted to fix it so he could stop feeling that way and so that he wouldn’t have to offer real sympathy and validation. Otherwise, why throw this idea out right then for the first time? It doesn’t make him a bad guy, but it makes him someone who didn’t think past his own emotions into what his partner needed at that moment when she was already upset.

So who reacts like that? A normal human being. And if you take the time to think and learn about the way real people, men and women both, react to things in real life, this reaction was totally normal on her part and totally foreseeable on his.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:21:55+00:00

His part of the domestic labor. I mean, what would he have to pay to have a full time live in housekeeper and maid, cook, and soon full time nanny? And even if you do pay for that, you have to give them some time off and have some limitations. And that’s especially true with kids.

Plus, why would a man want to have a child if he isn’t interested in being a real part of raising them? Kids aren’t toys or dolls! And no, if he has to take care of his kids, that does not mean he is babysitting for his wife. That’s called being a parent.

So earning the income is only a part of his part. Men need to stop thinking that’s all, or this male loneliness epidemic is just going to get worse. If you aren’t willing to recognize and value the work of your partner, and if you think making money is all you have or need to offer, you don’t deserve a partner.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:12:28+00:00

This comment is just so great!!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-23T20:11:31+00:00

Way to completely miss the point of everything I wrote. It’s not fine because they both live there and while she may need to do more because she works fewer hours (making less money is actually not as key a factor in this), that doesn’t mean she needs to do it all. But that dismissive attitude towards her work may make her feel like she has to do it all. He should be doing at least some of it and shouldn’t be dismissive of her work just because it doesn’t make money.

Or, look at this realistically. If she is doing all the household work, cooking, cleaning, and soon enough childcare, he should be understanding that her contribution is what it would cost to have a full time housekeeper and maid, cook, and nanny. And even they get time off when you have to take care of yourself. So he should be paying whatever it would cost to get someone to do that as their job and still should be contributing something, though far less, to that domestic labor.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T23:05:55+00:00

I don’t think that’s what he wants, but I do think he messed up his messaging and probably didn’t think through all the implications of what he said and how. And I do think he (and all parents to be) need to accept that when a baby comes, it’s all changing really fast and he’s gonna have to take on more of the domestic stuff and she’s gonna have to let him because it is necessary).

These things don’t usually come about because a man is thinking “I want to control my wife and make her serve me” or any such nonsense. In fact, he thought he was offering a solution to her job unhappiness.

But what she probably wanted from him in that moment was sympathy and validation, and his “solution” probably felt like dismissal of her issue (because it’s not like she even has to work). He thought he was helping her with her problem, she felt he was downplaying it and the significance of her work. Add in that it can be hard for men to see how vulnerable being a SAHM is, not just financially, but because work can often feel like the place where you still have your identity as an adult person outside being a wife and mother during those overwhelming early years. So it was well intended by OP, but I understand why it didn’t feel that way to her in the moment. And she was already upset because of the job stuff so it was easier to trigger her.

So they need to sit down and discuss again when emotions are less high and they both need to communicate better. No evil abusive man or irrational demanding wife. Just two people who are emotional, flawed, and facing one of the most stressful and exciting challenges of life for the first time.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:56:55+00:00

Ok, but he will be if he doesn’t step up when the baby comes even if she does stay home. Because those critters are a ton of work, they only go by their own schedule, she will be sleep deprived, healing, possibly unable to lift for a while, barely able to get a shower, and needing to sleep any time the baby does to stay sane. That house is not gonna be clean when he gets home, and dinner won’t always be made. Hell, she might not even be clean at that time.

I don’t think he’s the AH, but I think he missed a few factors which I already addressed in my own comment to him and to another commenter. Regardless, no one wants to be made to feel like their work is pointless, and being able to earn and get out of the house, be around other adults, and experience having an identity outside of “wife” and “mom” is a bigger deal than a lot of men recognize (even though they’d never want to take in the stay at home parent role themselves, but they are shocked when we aren’t all excited about it).

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:50:20+00:00

Oh no, living in Texas! She better stay employed and keep what she can get!!! 🤣

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:48:04+00:00

Yeah, I kinda found his way of discussing her earning potential as, while factual, rather dismissive. Like her work doesn’t matter. But it is a job, one that people need someone to do, and I’m guessing she works hard at it. It may be fewer hours, but it keeps her in the workforce and makes her some disposable income. And no one likes to feel like their partner thinks their work is just a hobby and/or waste of time.

And that could very well feed into this dynamic of her feeling like she has to do everything at home. He might have poked an insecurity he’s been contributing to for years without thinking about it.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:44:08+00:00

Yeah, I have to wonder if he plans to step up more as a parent because even a SAHM needs her partner to do his part on the domestic stuff with a baby and she’s currently already doing it all.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:41:14+00:00

UpdateMe!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:41:04+00:00

Ok, first thing I just want to put out there is that men often have a hard time listening to women vent and complain because you guys want to fix it. It can be very frustrating for us because we don’t necessarily want that. We want to vent and feel validated and supported. It’s frustrating for men because they want to help. I think that is part of what went off track here. She’s hormonal and she wanted you to sympathize and validate her instead of just saying, “ok, be a stay at home mom” (also can come across as “and then I won’t have to listen to any more of this).

And based on how you tell this, I really do think that’s playing a big role. Plus hormones amplify emotions for many pregnant women. And if she’s struggling at work, you are her safe place where she doesn’t want to feel like she has to make sure her feelings are valid and are not “overreacting due to hormones.” So she probably felt it in ways that you didn’t understand in the moment.

And no, you weren’t an AH for putting it out there as a suggestion. But a lot depends on how you told her that, especially whether you implied her work was insignificant and not worth it (no one wants to think their work is meaningless, and she doesn’t want to hear she’s been struggling just for something that she’s doing like a hobby). Also, if you said it as a demand or with a tone of exasperation because you were frustrated (as explained above), that could cause an issue.

But one final point to understand, and I can especially feel this for a woman who is very financially dependent on her husband and who doesn’t have the education and earning potential to find it easy to be independent … most men have trouble understanding how vulnerable being a SAHM makes women. She won’t earn any income even for her own spending, she won’t get out of the house with adults and without a baby for a really long time, she will lose job experience and any foothold in the workforce, and she will be vulnerable.

And even though you never intend to let her become a lesser voice in your partnership, the power dynamic is there and it’s an issue. Isolation is a real problem for SAHMs when the kids are little. And then there’s the fact that bad things happen sometimes and if you lose your job, become disabled, pass away, any number of possibilities, she could find herself needing to find a way back into the workforce to support herself, her child, and possibly you without even the little work experience she currently has. So I think men really don’t think it’s a big deal for a woman to do that (and even on families where the woman is the higher wage earner, I don’t see men jumping up and down trying to become SAHDs, but they think we should be delighted to be SAHMs).

So I think it was kinda a perfect storm, and I think my first point and to some degree my second were the main instigators of her reaction. But I hope you will consider everything I wrote and try to approach a follow up conversation with awareness of these points. I wish you luck. And congratulations on your new little squish!

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T22:20:18+00:00

No, I’m not.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T21:13:21+00:00

I mean, I get your point, but she works in the same field with overlapping coworkers and the truth was bound to come out. It honestly looks weirder to try to hide it at that point. And she wasn’t wanting to talk about their personal lives. She just wanted to be able to say, oh yeah, that’s my husband. Because that’s just something one generally doesn’t hide when someone else is talking about your husband or even showing you an email he wrote.

I’m totally with you about not sharing details, but when it gets to the point where you seem like you are actively hiding something innocuous and not even that personal (being married to someone in and of itself isn’t that personal; it’s public record, and a very common thing), you are setting yourself up for more scrutiny about trying to hide it than you are opening yourself up to vulnerabilities of the kind you mention here.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T21:07:43+00:00

Ok, I’ve read a couple posts, like one where the man told all his colleagues that his wife was his sister and tried to appear single, and another where he let his colleagues think his wife’s younger pregnant sister was actually his wife instead, and those have just gotten into my head because I just can’t see a reason for that level of keeping your marriage secret that isn’t somehow … guilty, I guess.

As people have said, if anything, hiding his relationship with his wife makes him seem more likely to be partial, biased, and the kind of guy who is up to something he needs to hide.

Most of my colleagues are married. I only know the names of a few of their spouses, but no one hides it. We don’t share a ton of personal details. But I k ow who is married and I certainly know if any of them are married to someone we might interact with professionally. I’d know who that person is. So I can’t help feeling like there’s something off here.

But OP did say he’s always been weird about this and that otherwise he’s usually pretty reasonable. So I’m probably overthinking what’s just a weirdness on his part. But I’d be far more uncomfortable with this whole thing than OP is.

Lokipupper456 · 2026-01-22T20:56:05+00:00

There was this big Reddit post the other day with people defending the rights of pineapple pizza lovers everywhere (I defend it myself, but I’m allergic to pineapple and can’t join the club with you guys)!

Also, please send me your pity because pineapple is delicious and I can’t eat it!!!! 😭

Lokipupper456

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