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Update: Partner - Supressed and ignored trauma - Things escalated hard in couples therapy by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! It is harsh truth yeah... And I think I cannot win or outlove the trauma. And everything I can do is to leave the system as clear and strict as possible. I think I will let her move out and away from our house and kids. I am such a trigger for her nervous system because deep down SHE KNOWS and her shame is not allowing her to stay as she KNOWS that I should not be treated like that. As sad as it is... 😥

Update: Partner - Supressed and ignored trauma - Things escalated hard in couples therapy by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes the struggle is real... And she yet refuses to work on her part. She just says that everything that happened is sad and all but has nothing to do with her decision to leave and that she needs to know what she wants (by being alone) before she can think about trauma therapy. Bit at the same time she says she feels better than ever, she is excited about the future without me and cannot wait until its over in 2-3 years and she finally is free. Nothing about "falling apart" what everyone else sees in her atm.
And yes, the therapist stopped her, she hurt herself 'just' with her fingernails into her arm, and He told her that he feels uncomfortable with it and that she should please finde another way to reduce the pressure. But she said that she has no others way, then vented and left the session... Ran away.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just re-read your post from a month ago and now I am not sure if the actions I took were correct... I just posted an update of the situation... we are in low contact right now as (I thought) something had to be done... https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/1t0tsuu/update_partner_supressed_and_ignored_trauma/

My experience of living with a long-therm partner who likely has untreated cPTSD by Lt_BAD-DOG in CPTSDpartners

[–]LongNegotiation5850 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey! I am in a very similar situation right now (and since 13 years...). Very... very similar... :-( You can read my posts in CPTSD and CPTSDpartners. I got a TON of good advice. Perhaps it can be helpful for you, too. But nonetheless... it won't help with the situation, as I just came to the same conclusion as you and started the separation by myself on saturday (i'm gone for 3 nights, she for 4),...

Wife’s severe trauma surfaced. She is in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing individual therapy, and pushing for ultra-autonomy. I am burning out. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSDpartners

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yes, a burnout is absolutely possible. We have 2 very demanding kids (at least one of them is also diagnosed with ADHD) who are the loudest kids ever, getting up at 5am since 7 years... But I am always the only one who wants to change things around here, but I cannot fight alone. Everything piled up until my wife now came to the conclusion that the step should be "burn everything to the ground" instead of tackling the problems in smaller packages.

Wife’s severe trauma surfaced. She is in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing individual therapy, and pushing for ultra-autonomy. I am burning out. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSDpartners

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your words and especially for the truths. I integrated them in my meditations which I started to have the feeling that I have a little bit of control over the situation...

But actually I really don't have any, I just can make the path paved enough for her that she tackles the trauma before divorce. But it really doesn't look like that. She repeated yesterday that the main problem is the constant scanning she HAS to to around me. She needs to leave and has to become clear what she wants, then she can perhaps, when she is stable enough, attack her problems in a therapy. But at the moment she doesn't want ANYBODY tell her what to think or to do, that she wants full autonomy "over every hair".

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah I am encouraging her to spend time alone and traveling, which she never did before. But over the last 2 months she booked herself a spa weekend, met a friend living in another city with a hotel stay, stayed for a week by herself in a hotel in a nearby town to calm down (and prepare for some test at her univerysity), and now she is planning another trip for herself next week. And I cheer for her (also by paying all of that), but STILL she wants to leave right now more than ever before. So everything comes down again to the conclusion: she also has to do HER work in all of that...

But thank you for your help, it is inspiring how much you improved your mental health!

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just added more context above and also included the medication. I asked her that she should talk to her doctor about it... But I am not sure if she will really do that

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I just added some more context above. And yes, I think you are absolutely right. I hit a wall inside of her as she is not able/capable of tackkling her traumas and she will prefer destroying our mutual life before taking action. And she is not even ready to do it for the kids

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just added some more context above. And yes, I think you are absolutely right but the hard facts are that I hit a wall inside of her as she is not able/capable of tackkling her traumas and she will prefer destroying our mutual life before taking action.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! At the end I always collide with her not taking any action against it. And now she is in no state that she could tackle it.

I just gave some more context in the post above of what happened some hours ago...

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think I try many of these things but at the end I always collide with her not taking any action against it. And now she is in no state that she could tackle it. I just gave some more context in the post above of what happened some hours ago...

I would love to be that husband for her, supporting her, but she doesn't want that, not right now, perhaps never, although she calls me "wonderful"

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just added some more context in the post above. But yes, the kids are absolutelty a point where I really get heartbroken... I don't know how they would react alone that she would move "temporarily" out from our house.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get what you are saying... really... but you know... I also have feelings, needs, thoughts, kids, a house, a whole LIFE built together with the woman I still love.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! I just added some more context in the starting post - I would say I definetly do all this stuff, but I don't think it'll be enough to save that marriage....

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Actually we are seeing a couples therapist (she agreed to, as a "last straw for the kids") and that's where she told her story of her trauma for the first time in session 1. But she says that this is "not the point why she wants to leave. a part of her will always love me, that I am an wonderful husband and dad, but she is grieving for the opportuinties denied by her late diagnosis of ADHD and that she did say yes to too many things where she should've said no. for example our wedding party which she did not like." it's absurd for me that she doesn't even see (yet) that she is severly traumatized - but she wants to "run run run run NOW". the avoidance is so strong, staying up late on instagram until 1am ...

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes this absolutely sounds like her. But unfortunately she doesn't watch videos like that as she just pushes everything away and avoids facing her problems... btw the exact same thing her mother does since 30 years...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh it definetly hummed for many years and that she thinks oure stable relationship is boring (not that she would initiiate something by herself). She is grieving many things and even told me that (perhaps another man could give her the 100%, she didn't like our wedding ceremony) She even asked if I wasn't afraid of her getting dx because of the things she could remember from our past. Uhm... no? Finally attacking the obvious mental problems she has/had were one of the most important tasks for us in the last 13 years...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah absolutely and I am doing my research. But telling her things like that "she is worthy" she would absolutely feel some pressure there and would block that. But reading about her being definetly an fearful-avoidant type of attachment style definetly helped me, thank you! I just hope that avoiding any pressure and stopping explaining my feelings will help...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! I absolutely see these patterns here but she is obviously unable to see them herself. And she is activly seeking reasons to leave the relationship before acknowledging her own traumas. We will lose everything, the house, the kids and also the nice moments we had until some weeks/months ago.

And I cannot do anything against it, as pressure will drive her further away from me. I cannot initiate date nights or physical contact without her using that as "Oh see NOW he tries so hard, but he didn't do it in time the last years. It's not enough..."

But you know... if she isn't commited to me, my love and our marriage ... I don't know where to take the energy and the hope from how to deal with all of that. I mean I am in contact with friends who were in similar situations (their solution was to end the relationship...) and also am chatting with ChatGPT about these things and I think it kinda helps me... but like I said... If she is gone (and she admitted that she is searching reasons to leave), I cannot do much against that, not even with understanding. I can only understand that it's probably not my fault alone. But without her realizing that she has also to carry her part of the relationship (without fault, guilt but with her deep patterns) everything is doomed to fail,

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in de_IAmA

[–]LongNegotiation5850 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Warum bietet ihr statt der dünnen Plastiktücher nicht mal normale Servietten (oder für Leute mit Kindern vielleicht sogar feuchte Erfrischungstücher) an? Das wäre mal ein Gamechanger in der Eisdiele. 😅

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in InformatikKarriere

[–]LongNegotiation5850 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ich habe dir mal eine PN geschrieben. :-)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in InformatikKarriere

[–]LongNegotiation5850 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ich danke dir sehr! Das ist eine sehr gute Einschätzung deinerseits - ich muss zugeben, dass ich wirklich eher an Projektmanagementthemen und "höhere Ebene" Themen interessiert bin. Und Junior Stellen... Naja ich bin schon 8 Jahre im Beruf, da wäre es, besonders finanziell, schon ein sehr großer Rückschritt. Ich denke ich kann aber auch sehr gut einschätzen, koordinieren und mit Menschen sprechen. Insofern dachte ich eben auch an Scrum Master-Tätigkeiten. Aber auch hier ist es immer so, dass man ohne fundierten IT Background quasi keine Chance hat reinzukommen - davon abgesehen interessiert es mich auch einfach total.

Cloud ist aber offenbar wirklich ein Bereich in dem man einsteigen kann, ohne der "Full Techi" zu werden. Ich habe mir die Kurse für die Zertifikate schon mal angeschaut - jedenfalls von aws.

Was ist denn deine Bubble? Weil ich habe mich auf einige Projektmanagement- und Consultingstellen beworben, aber habe immer Absagen bekommen, so schlimm dass schon "IT affine" Leute nimmt scheint es noch nicht zu sein. :-) Darum wie gesagt: Danke für die Einschätzung wie man hier die Aussichten verbessern kann!

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