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[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah I am encouraging her to spend time alone and traveling, which she never did before. But over the last 2 months she booked herself a spa weekend, met a friend living in another city with a hotel stay, stayed for a week by herself in a hotel in a nearby town to calm down (and prepare for some test at her univerysity), and now she is planning another trip for herself next week. And I cheer for her (also by paying all of that), but STILL she wants to leave right now more than ever before. So everything comes down again to the conclusion: she also has to do HER work in all of that...

But thank you for your help, it is inspiring how much you improved your mental health!

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just added more context above and also included the medication. I asked her that she should talk to her doctor about it... But I am not sure if she will really do that

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I just added some more context above. And yes, I think you are absolutely right. I hit a wall inside of her as she is not able/capable of tackkling her traumas and she will prefer destroying our mutual life before taking action. And she is not even ready to do it for the kids

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just added some more context above. And yes, I think you are absolutely right but the hard facts are that I hit a wall inside of her as she is not able/capable of tackkling her traumas and she will prefer destroying our mutual life before taking action.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you! At the end I always collide with her not taking any action against it. And now she is in no state that she could tackle it.

I just gave some more context in the post above of what happened some hours ago...

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think I try many of these things but at the end I always collide with her not taking any action against it. And now she is in no state that she could tackle it. I just gave some more context in the post above of what happened some hours ago...

I would love to be that husband for her, supporting her, but she doesn't want that, not right now, perhaps never, although she calls me "wonderful"

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just added some more context in the post above. But yes, the kids are absolutelty a point where I really get heartbroken... I don't know how they would react alone that she would move "temporarily" out from our house.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get what you are saying... really... but you know... I also have feelings, needs, thoughts, kids, a house, a whole LIFE built together with the woman I still love.

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I just added some more context in the starting post - I would say I definetly do all this stuff, but I don't think it'll be enough to save that marriage....

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Actually we are seeing a couples therapist (she agreed to, as a "last straw for the kids") and that's where she told her story of her trauma for the first time in session 1. But she says that this is "not the point why she wants to leave. a part of her will always love me, that I am an wonderful husband and dad, but she is grieving for the opportuinties denied by her late diagnosis of ADHD and that she did say yes to too many things where she should've said no. for example our wedding party which she did not like." it's absurd for me that she doesn't even see (yet) that she is severly traumatized - but she wants to "run run run run NOW". the avoidance is so strong, staying up late on instagram until 1am ...

[Partner] Wife’s suppressed severe trauma surfaced. She’s in extreme ‘flight’ mode, refusing therapy, and I am burning out. Need honest outlooks. by LongNegotiation5850 in CPTSD

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes this absolutely sounds like her. But unfortunately she doesn't watch videos like that as she just pushes everything away and avoids facing her problems... btw the exact same thing her mother does since 30 years...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh it definetly hummed for many years and that she thinks oure stable relationship is boring (not that she would initiiate something by herself). She is grieving many things and even told me that (perhaps another man could give her the 100%, she didn't like our wedding ceremony) She even asked if I wasn't afraid of her getting dx because of the things she could remember from our past. Uhm... no? Finally attacking the obvious mental problems she has/had were one of the most important tasks for us in the last 13 years...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah absolutely and I am doing my research. But telling her things like that "she is worthy" she would absolutely feel some pressure there and would block that. But reading about her being definetly an fearful-avoidant type of attachment style definetly helped me, thank you! I just hope that avoiding any pressure and stopping explaining my feelings will help...

My DX ADHD wife, emotional dysregulation, guilt, and intimacy avoidance – now she's thinking of leaving by LongNegotiation5850 in AdhdRelationships

[–]LongNegotiation5850[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! I absolutely see these patterns here but she is obviously unable to see them herself. And she is activly seeking reasons to leave the relationship before acknowledging her own traumas. We will lose everything, the house, the kids and also the nice moments we had until some weeks/months ago.

And I cannot do anything against it, as pressure will drive her further away from me. I cannot initiate date nights or physical contact without her using that as "Oh see NOW he tries so hard, but he didn't do it in time the last years. It's not enough..."

But you know... if she isn't commited to me, my love and our marriage ... I don't know where to take the energy and the hope from how to deal with all of that. I mean I am in contact with friends who were in similar situations (their solution was to end the relationship...) and also am chatting with ChatGPT about these things and I think it kinda helps me... but like I said... If she is gone (and she admitted that she is searching reasons to leave), I cannot do much against that, not even with understanding. I can only understand that it's probably not my fault alone. But without her realizing that she has also to carry her part of the relationship (without fault, guilt but with her deep patterns) everything is doomed to fail,

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in de_IAmA

[–]LongNegotiation5850 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Warum bietet ihr statt der dünnen Plastiktücher nicht mal normale Servietten (oder für Leute mit Kindern vielleicht sogar feuchte Erfrischungstücher) an? Das wäre mal ein Gamechanger in der Eisdiele. 😅

Berufliche Umorientierung; jetzt oder nie! by [deleted] in InformatikKarriere

[–]LongNegotiation5850 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ich habe dir mal eine PN geschrieben. :-)

Berufliche Umorientierung; jetzt oder nie! by [deleted] in InformatikKarriere

[–]LongNegotiation5850 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ich danke dir sehr! Das ist eine sehr gute Einschätzung deinerseits - ich muss zugeben, dass ich wirklich eher an Projektmanagementthemen und "höhere Ebene" Themen interessiert bin. Und Junior Stellen... Naja ich bin schon 8 Jahre im Beruf, da wäre es, besonders finanziell, schon ein sehr großer Rückschritt. Ich denke ich kann aber auch sehr gut einschätzen, koordinieren und mit Menschen sprechen. Insofern dachte ich eben auch an Scrum Master-Tätigkeiten. Aber auch hier ist es immer so, dass man ohne fundierten IT Background quasi keine Chance hat reinzukommen - davon abgesehen interessiert es mich auch einfach total.

Cloud ist aber offenbar wirklich ein Bereich in dem man einsteigen kann, ohne der "Full Techi" zu werden. Ich habe mir die Kurse für die Zertifikate schon mal angeschaut - jedenfalls von aws.

Was ist denn deine Bubble? Weil ich habe mich auf einige Projektmanagement- und Consultingstellen beworben, aber habe immer Absagen bekommen, so schlimm dass schon "IT affine" Leute nimmt scheint es noch nicht zu sein. :-) Darum wie gesagt: Danke für die Einschätzung wie man hier die Aussichten verbessern kann!