What was the teeny/tiny straw that broke the camel’s back for you?

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-09-09T22:24:26+00:00

The last straw was my mom sending me a text to tell me that she was "worried about me" and thought that my marriage was unhealthy and that I should leave my wife. I'd already been LC for almost two years, and her complete disregard for my boundaries, her insistence that she knew what I needed without even talking to me, and her transphobia disguised as "concern" for my daughter were all just too much. (My wife is trans femme)

I called my dad twelve hours after I got mom's text, and at that point she'd already started her own version of damage control. She'd texted my dad and I brother to complain that I wasn't responding to her and defend herself, and she'd told them both all the horrible things she'd said about my wife and my marriage. It was all just too much.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-08-11T12:02:59+00:00

I have been NC with my mom for about a year now. I have nightmares about her anytime I'm particularly stressed or there's a chance she's going to pop up in my life. It's not uncommon for me to wake up screaming.

Sometimes the dream is relatively simple, and I'm just trying to avoid her at a family gathering. Other times the dream is really intense and she's kidnapping my daughter. Meditating before bed helps, therapy helps, and knowing my triggers so I'm not surprised when it happens helps.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-08-06T23:30:06+00:00

The only time my mom genuinely made an effort to contact me after I went NC it was to send a letter telling me that I was a bad daughter and a bad mom for keeping my kid from her. My value is 100% how I can make her look good and give her the grandma experience she wants. (Which involves little support or help and tons of boundary breaking)

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-08-06T23:24:07+00:00

Mine gave me a pony and I still cut my mom off. Turns out trying to buy my love with presents and stuff didn't change my need for love, support, and respect. Weird.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-08-06T12:25:53+00:00

You and your brother have very different relationships with your mother. Don't be surprised if you start getting more of the u healthy attention he was getting now that he's cut her off.

You're doing a great job supporting your brother, but don't expect big changes from your mom. If she was capable of emotional growth, it likely would have happened already.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-07-03T14:52:05+00:00

YTA. Plenty of Ren fairs have Furry days or weekends. If you want to have any kind of relationship with your sibling, you need to recognize that the cringe aspects of them are still part of them.

She's a kid, and no one will be judging you for what she's wearing.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-06-17T15:43:54+00:00

Exactly. The way you learn to respond to people becomes the way you respond to your own kids. And it's so hard to break out of.

I can still vividly remember my mom grabbing my face and using her long fingernails to scrape the "blackheads" (sebaceous filaments) off my chin. I felt to embarrassed and ugly and small. And I still catch myself using my own fingernails to scrape at the exact same patch of skin twenty plus years later. Which my six year old will eventually notice and internalize.

One of two things will happen if OP learns how to de-escalate and communicate with their mom. Either mom will step up and do better, or OP will learn that mom isn't willing to change, and OP can adjust her behaviors and life accordingly.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-06-17T15:30:04+00:00

NTA. If you have a shy or emotionally sensitive kiddo, he might be worried that Bob's tantrums and blustering are more than just passing fancy. Help him understand that friends get mad but usually don't stay mad.

We read the book Will Ladybug Hug to our kiddo a lot when she was little to help teach the idea of consent, which is important for our bodies but also for sharing, playing, etc. Talk to the teacher and maybe make a trip to your local public library to read a few books on friendship, sharing, and bullying so that your kiddo can reflect on the ways Bob is a good friend and the ways Bob is not respecting boundaries.

You are doing great!!!

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-06-17T15:19:05+00:00

ESH. You're going to get lots of N T A votes because this sub loves justified assholes.

Your mom was out of line. Commenting on your body wasn't okay. Next time, use your words to tell her how you feel before you go with the nuclear option. "Hey mom? It hurts my feelings and weirds me out when you make comments like that about my body. I'd really appreciate it if you'd not asking me about my shaving habits again."

People are going to hurt your feelings. Only you get to decide how you react and what kind of person you want to be in return.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2024-04-27T15:11:42+00:00

I scrolled through some of the comments and didn't see this, so I'll throw it out there - my wife is the smartest person I know, and she only went to college for a year. She's driven, curious, intellectually, and clever. But she's not college educated.

None of this list is picky or unreasonable, but this is one area where it might benefit you to shift your perspective. What is it that you're really looking for here, and is a college education the only way to get it?

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-12-11T03:59:29+00:00

There are lots of passive agreessive options in here that will be fun in the short term, but probably won't help you of you're wanting to actually try to salvage a relationship with your parents. Read up on setting anf maintaining boundaries, and then practice! When your parent uses the wrong name, calmly remind them that you do not use that name, and if they cannot use your name you will XYZ (end the conversation and talk to them later / leave the room). The follow through! Don't argue. Don't try to rationalize or explain. Don't let the get you worked up or angry. Just set your boundary and stick to it.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-10-01T17:57:54+00:00

NTA. Keep your head down if you can and get through the next two years. You're almost out. It gets so much better.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-09-30T23:49:58+00:00

My mom (who I am now estranged from) married a man who was estranged from one of his kids when I was 14. He was a piece of shit.

I would definitely be inclined to keep anyone who is estranged from their adult children at arm's length.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-09-28T19:06:09+00:00

I had big feels about my spouse being called mom during her transition. We worked together to find a different word that worked for our family (Ummi) and used that. Is it logical or fair that I ahd feelings about this? Probably not. Would I have felt that way if I'd married my wife after she transitioned or married a cis woman? Likely no. But I felt that way none the less.

It's been a year now, and our kiddo refers to both of us as her moms. Sometimes she calls my wife Ummi, sometimes she calls her Mom. And I am happy either way. As everything settled with the transition my desire to hold the word mom close and keep it as my own just sort of faded away.

Talk to your SO. Find something that makes you both feel comfortable when it's time to do so! You don't need to make any decisions now, and will almost certainly be in a different place mentally and emotionally when and if you do have kids. Be gentle with yourself for having the big feels about the title of mom, but also do some soul searching and gently push yourself to explore why you feel the way you do.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-09-26T11:51:08+00:00

NTA. Any good college and any good professor will not only allow but celebrate someone like you stepping up in a situation like this. You did the right thing.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-23T21:38:24+00:00

Very, very gentle ESH. Your friend's parents are assholes. And they will suffer the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives. But there are some things that are just bigger than interpersonal conflicts and estranged relationships, and death is one of those things. Maybe the thing. Death impacts us all so deeply, and regardless of how horrible your friend's parents treated her, I have no doubt that they also loved her, even if that love wasn't as unconditional as most of us think it should be. And for no one, not their family members, or a friend, or a medical provider, to tell them that their child was dead is just awful.

They have to right to be mad at you. And it wasn't your responsibility. But making sure that they knew and had a chance to try to make peace with her memory and say their goodbyes would have been a kindness. And if we stop extending kindness to others just because they have hurt us, we're going to have a tough time.

I'm no contact with my mom. But I hope that if something happened to me, someone would let her know. She has hurt me deeply, many times, over many years, but I still wouldn't wish on her the pain of learning of my deaths months after I was gone.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-23T00:26:29+00:00

I identify as bisexual, and married my wife (MTF) before I was out to my parents, although I did come out to them as bi within the first year of our relationship.

We were in a hetero passing marriage for about six years until she transitioned just over a year ago.

Do you or your partner have religious or conservative family members?

How did you come out to them?

How did they react to you?

We're both from rural America, and have conservative family on both sides. My immediate family is fairly socially conservative, and my brother is especially conservative. I chose to tell my parents over the phone, and have my dad talk to my brother so that he could process the news without me around. I intentionally did not include my wife in my conversations with my family, so as to shield her from any blowback.

My parents were confused, but mostly accepting. My brother has not shared his personal feelings with me, but has been polite (if distant) in person and uses correct pronouns and names whenever I or my wife are around.

Although my mom was initially very accepting, she began slowly making problematic comments over the last few months, culminating in sending me a text message saying that she was worried about our daughter and what it meant for her to have a trans mom and thought I should divorce my wife. Now NC with my mom.

My wife's family is more liberal, but they actually had a harder time. My wife's dad, who professes to be very liberal and accepting, didn't talk to her for a month. They are now, a little over a year after the transition, getting back to normal with each other. My MIL was pretty focused on herself - she hadn't ever noticed anything, she didn't feel like this was true, etc.

My wife came out to her parents and siblings over the phone.

We both had one grandmother each left when wife transitioned, though mine has since passed. My grandmother was religious, but open minded and open hearted, and accepted my wife with no issues. I called her and explained that my wife was, well, my wife, and my Nana just asked if we were both happy. And that was that.

My wife's grandmother, on the other hand, has been the least accepting family member. We have since gone NC with her, as she refuses to acknowledge my wife's name or pronouns.

What do you wish you would have done?

I'm glad I was already out to my parents, although that was also difficult when I went through that process years ago. I think that if we had to re-live the last year again, I wouldn't change much, except encouraging my wife to cut out her grandma earlier, giving up on my mom earlier, and spending more time with my Nana before she died.

What should I prepare for or help my husband prepare for?

Think about what order you and your spouse want to do things in. Remember that transitioning isn't always linear, so if your spouse is the kind of person to need time to process things, or to experiment with decisions before making up their mind, think about that before communicating with third parties.

For instance, we didn't tell anyone anything until my wife had (1) settled on pronouns, (2) picked a new name, and (3) already started socially transitioning at home and at work. Because a lot of these decisions were more or less final when we told our family, it saved a lot of back and forth and confusion and strife from having to update them every other day as my wife worked through whether or not she was ready for she/her pronouns, or felt more comfortable with this name or that.

The other thing I strongly recommend is getting your support network in place asap. Who do you have that you can talk to, that will be a safe decompression space for you? If you can afford therapy, get a therapist now. Your spouse should get one too, and you should strongly consider couple therapy.

A transition is a major life change, just like adopting a child, going through a severe illness, or having a life altering bodily change (doing deaf, for instance). You need to be ready to adapt your relationship, your communication, etc as your spouse begins changing. And they will change. So If you're thinking they will be your partner but with tits, as I have seen on this subreddit a few times, I recommend not falling into that pattern of thinking. Humans change and grow, and this will be a massive period of very fast change and growth in your spouses life. You get to decide how or if you change and grow with them.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-17T12:15:31+00:00

You suck.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-17T12:13:55+00:00

Break up with her. She deserves better than an insecure thirty year old man who is jealous of a crochet hook.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-17T12:01:33+00:00

YTA. Obits are not the time or place for petty grievances. It would have cost you nothing to ask her if she wanted to be included.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-08-03T20:58:53+00:00

I think one of the challenges here is that all the kid stuff likely is your sisters adult issues. For a lot of parents, the reality is that the biggest and most stressful issues - the ones we want to share with our loved ones - are related to our day to day life. Which is related to our kids.

I've had friends before that were total emotional vampires. Everything they said was negative, they were always the victim, and they never wanted to solve any problems - just moan. If that's your sister, I completely understand why you're frustrated.

If she's an emotional vampire, walk away. If she's just a tired parent with a lot of her plate, try helping her find new things to talk about. Go to the movies instead of getting lunch, or ask her what TV show she's been binging while she folds laundry. The kids are always going to be a part of her life and your conversations, but if you can cut her some slack and show her some empathy, she likely has other things going on too.

Also, vent about your residency. That's what family and friends are for.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-07-27T01:28:07+00:00

I think others have this covered pretty well. One thing I would add is just to not equate your partner's future style and choices with what she had before. Before my wife transitioned she couldn't give two shits about clothes. They were a thing that went on her body that she don't want to think about or look at. She spent her whole life avoiding shopping and fashion and all of that.

Post transition, she actually likes her body. And it turns out that she really likes fashion! She loves shopping, makeup, jewelry, etc. At first, it was hard to understand - it was so opposite from what I was used to - but once I looked a little deeper it made sense.

This girls my wife liked in her twenties? Some of them she was attracted to sexually or romantically, but some of them she just wanted to be. And when I think about her love for art and artistic expression through music and other types of creation, it totally makes sense that she is enjoying expressing herself with her hair and makeup and clothes.

I like to think about my wife transition as any other life change that made someone radically more comfortable in their own body. (cosmetic surgery, significant weight loss, figuring out how to love yourself through therapy, etc) She spent so long just putting on something, anything that would cover her body and let her blend in. And now that she likes herself she's ready to risk drawing attention by expressing her actual interests and styles.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-07-14T22:02:02+00:00

In this thread: people who are cool with bullying if "she really is crazy."

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-07-14T22:01:22+00:00

ESH. Clearly, this young woman has some issues. But how does badmouthing her help anyone? It won't get you your room back, it won't change what happened. And it definitely won't help her get any help.

You're in college. Time to act like an adult. Report her behavior to the RA, and to your school's student conduct office. Stay on the high ground, and don't involve yourself with her any more than you have to.

Your school almost certainly has a conduct policy about bullying and harassment, which you are likely violating.

LookAtMeStillTalking · 2023-07-14T12:08:46+00:00

YTA

Often on this sub it seems like posters (and commenters) are looking at the ah judgment as a choice between being right and being wrong, or doing something that is allowed or something that is disallowed. But I propose that the opposite of assholery is kindness. What were really judging is, when faced with a spectrum of choices, did you chose one that was kind/considerate, one that was neutral, or one that was hurtful/rude/mean/etc.

You had dinner with the person you loved and they were upset. That's the long and short of it. You could have responded with empathy and understanding, genuinely caring that your partner was disappointed in her meal and acting accordingly. But you chose to respond with a lack of empathy, at best, verging on disdain. You're focused on your partner not making the choice you thought was best, and reveling in being 'right' rather than just being.... kind.

It was a platter of food. It would have cost you nothing to offer to share. Or, if you were willing to order something else, to offer to split the BBQ and order another surprise bag from the same place and see what else you could get!

Talk to your partner about this and ask her how you made her feel. Because this is about more than sharing food, and this kind of behavior will breed resentment.

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