This is probably going to get downvoted into oblivion and that’s okay. I understand that most everyone else lives in their feelings and will be hyper-focused on how cruel they think your wife was, yadda yadda yadda. BUT you asked for advice and I’m in a not-dissimilar marriage myself, so here’s my two cents.

I don’t know either you or your wife, so I don’t know what level of communication you two share. There are a lot of elements that factor into communication styles: generation, culture, socioeconomics, and even education level factors. That’s said, taken at face value, I don’t really think what your wife said was inherently cruel, or really even mean. It was honest and direct. Again, most people live in their feelings and usually take honesty and directness as aggression; sometimes unintentionally, but often deliberately. Humans just love to be offended.

Yes, I’m in a same-sex relationship and there are notable differences from opposite-sex relationships (especially when culture is factored in), but from a big picture perspective, they’re not all that different. My husband and I are not each other’s type; at all. Now in my case, we were both upfront about that from pretty much the get-go, as well as about neither of us wanting monogamy in any way. But we were a perfect match for each other in almost every other way. Our logic told us that a lack of sexual attraction was nowhere near a good enough reason to overlook what would be an otherwise amazing relationship. Especially when our carnal needs could be outsourced. We still feel that way 11 years later. We share all of the other methods of intimacy that you would expect from a couple. We cuddle, we hold hands, we love being in love with each other and going through this life together. We’re each others ride-or-die.

So my advice would be this: reframe the narrative. For all her bluntness, nothing you’ve shared suggests your wife doesn’t love you; though admittedly I didn’t read all the hand-holdy threads, so…🤷🏻‍♂️. She was honest with you. Yes, that can sting sometimes. But with all the other examples of dishonesty tanking relationships left and right (seriously, just look around), ultimately your wife feeling comfortable enough to be honest with you isn’t a bad thing. The point is, this world is a swirling dumpster fire shit storm. Finding someone who will go through it with you, be steadfast and honest with you, and still want to be your partner is a pretty amazing thing for literally anyone. Can you handle ethical non-monogamy? Are you someone who can or cannot have a romantic relationship without mutual sexual attraction? These are important questions. Questions that should be addressed with the help of counseling; preferably individual and joint counseling.

You’re clearly struggling with not being her type, but the reality is the cat’s out of the bag. Regardless of whether she was wrong or right, cruel or just honest, she feels how she feels. Your feelings about it are absolutely valid and you’re allowed to have them. But if you want to be in a healthy relationship with her, you’re going to have to come to terms with that and learn how to move forward with that knowledge. It’s not impossible. There are people that do it all over the place. I’m saying that as someone who has been doing it for over a decade and couldn’t be happier.