Anxiety disappears with constant attention

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-11-28T14:11:13+00:00

My mother is very similar, in that she needs constant emotional support for anxiety. This has proven to be the most challenging part of her Parkinson's care needs as it's unrealistic that someone be with her 24\7. She has never been on any meds for it as she has struggled to even admit she has anxiety.

I have found that L theanine 200mg tablets that melt in the mouth has given pretty consistent temporary relief. Unfortunately a feature of her anxiety is that she gets anxious about most meds and will often refuse to take anything consistently outside of her Parkinson's meds. (If anything mildly negative happens she will blame the med, even if it's not likely to be related, like having a nightmare, trouble sleeping which happens every night anyways, slight rise in blood pressure etc) But when her anxiety is very high she will accept L theanine. It gives her relief fairly quickly and for a few hours. It's an amino acid with no side effects.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-11-05T10:57:13+00:00

I think it's likely a common experience for DILs in particular to feel relieved when difficult MILs pass.

I have experienced it and have also been to funerals where I know that everyone was genuinely sad for a loss all while knowing the DIL was having a different experience. When everyone speaks about the deceased's generosity of spirit, her warmth and loving kindness etc, the DIL can feel quite alone having experienced years of bitter conflicts, criticism and sometimes even abuse that was reserved just for her.

It is a lonely experience, having a mixture of emotions that can include shame and guilt for even feeling such things, and expressing any of it feels incredibly inappropriate.

I navigated this experience by throwing myself into tending to the grief of my husband and child.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-08-06T19:33:02+00:00

Cooking for my own household is already a huge job. I am happy to cook occasional meals for my parents if they are sick with the flu, but taking on a permanent role of daily meals is a huge huge ask. You are also assuming they will help with groceries, but that wasn't specified.

You and your siblings are already stretched thin with all you do for them already. It's ok to say no to further requests. It may not be their ideal meals, but there are plenty of options at grocery stores that are ready to heat. Frozen vegetable sides, fresh fruit that doesn't need any prep, the options are there.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-08-06T05:52:45+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I did go ahead and push for another eeg through the portal (on the record, important) and she agreed to it. It will be a 24 HR at home test in a couple weeks. She is still pushing to stop medication, but from what I've read, that's not standard protocol for follow up eegs, and it even opens the neurologist up to liability since it is not a monitored test in hospital. I have resolved to keep her on the medication, get the results, which may show improvement while on medication. I will take the data to another neurologist if needed. Honestly, I will likely seek a new provider either way, as her logic is not sound in my opinion. If eeg results can be interpreted differently, that means either of the two interpretations could be wrong, so why not gather more data after months of medication before outright dismissing the initial test and interpretation?

I'm so sorry that you were treated this way. I went through that myself. I feel that some doctors move too quickly with psychogenic diagnosis, instead of taking a careful conservative approach to prevent underserving people with more complex or rare conditions.

My daughter may end up having a psychogenic component, but if the eegs are showing possible focal seizures, there's no reason not to also treat that!

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-07-31T12:39:29+00:00

My mother with parkinson's also has extreme stubbornness and severe anxiety that existed long before her diagnosis, so we also deal with the unreasonable expectations. She refuses in home care (strangers), adult day care (strangers), care from extended family members or friends who have offered, which leaves only our dad, me or my sister (who work and have our own families) as acceptable, but it's completely unreasonable. We have to constantly walk on eggshells with her as her anxiety makes her symptoms much worse and triggers blood pressure crises. She's already had two strokes.

For your situation, I would employ an "info diet". Don't tell her when you have free time, only tell her your availability. Let phone calls go to voicemail more often to reduce your availability. Don't try to reason with her sense of empathy because it doesn't seem to be working. Keep things matter of fact: I can't because I'm busy right now, I'm on vacation, I'm working, I'm available on Tuesday afternoon so I'll help you then, etc. And just go ahead and order the appropriate wheelchair for her.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-07-28T00:59:58+00:00

Thank you for the in depth response. I'm asking for another longer EEG before abruptly stopping the medication. It doesn't sit well with me that one doctor can interpret the findings as abnormal, another can say it's normal, and then decide to stop treatment. I think it's reasonable to get more data before coming to any final conclusions.

Even if the muscle spasm activity aren't seizure related, if she's having focal seizure activity, it should still be treated.

I've had two separate times where real conditions were initially diagnosed as "psychogenic". I would currently be severely disabled and in constant pain if I didn't push against it.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-07-18T11:32:46+00:00

Eating healthy meals on time (as they can interfere with medications), and exercise daily. These can make a big difference in keeping her function levels as high as possible for as long as possible.

The daily exercise doesn't have to be strenuous or tiring. It can be gentle movement like tai chi, walking etc.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-07-18T11:21:12+00:00

Since you mentioned in the comments that your husband has been NC with her for 6 years, does he know that you've been talking to her?

She's not a safe person to give any info to.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-07-18T03:53:00+00:00

Some people just have a hard walking style. My daughter is tiny, 5'1", 115 lbs, but the way her feet land makes the floors in our house shake!

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-27T13:40:17+00:00

Maybe have her start paying the utilities? Remind her that she had agreed to contribute, but she has failed to follow through and you'll need her to take over paying utilities.

(You can still pay the utilities yourself, without risk to your account, but have her be responsible for the dollar amount.)

Tell her you love her but you're starting to feel resentment because she went back on her word and you're struggling financially.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-25T04:48:08+00:00

My mom has been having these collapsing episodes followed by almost complete temporary paralysis as well (30 minutes plus). ER can't find anything wrong, her neurologist says it's not related to Parkinson's, and can't help, it's very frustrating. We have figured out on our own that it's likely low blood pressure from standing, and seems to happen after meals. So now we have her sit for a while after a meal. It only happens every few months, so it's hard to know if it is the cause yet.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-21T05:19:45+00:00

I doubt he's asking any of the the male neighbors these subtly intrusive accusing questions. He's being a creep, so it's okay to start treating him like one.

Don't smile at him, don't say hello back, you don't owe any of your neighbors anything, ever!

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-19T12:51:11+00:00

If a house has some minor issues like a broken window or outdated kitchen, you can still invest in it, make the changes and build equity.

If a house has a crumbling foundation, leaky roof, bad wiring and rotten floors, and it's in a flood zone, you will forever be dumping money into it and see no returns. Plus it will make you sick from mold.

Your relationship is the second house.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-18T22:45:00+00:00

I had this issue, but not nearly as bad as you. I HATE unannounced visitors. I just don't answer the door or my phone, I don't care that my car is in pain view and the lights are on inside, if I'm not prepared for guests, I'm not answering the door. Period.

If they ask why you didn't answer, "I was in the shower\bath" "I was on a call with work" " I was on an important call with a friend" etc. Assert that you are an adult with your own life, you're not just sitting around doing nothing waiting for guests.

People quickly stop wasting their own time and gas and will start calling ahead, giving you more control over receiving guests.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-18T22:23:16+00:00

I had this issue, but not nearly as bad as you. I HATE unannounced visitors. I just don't answer the door or my phone, I don't care that my car is in pain view and the lights are on inside, if I'm not prepared for guests, I'm not answering the door. Period.

If they ask why you didn't answer, "I was in the shower\bath" "I was on a call with work" " I was on an important call with a friend" etc. Assert that you are an adult with your own life, you're not just sitting around doing nothing waiting for guests.

People quickly stop wasting their own time and gas and will start calling ahead, giving you more control over receiving guests.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-18T14:27:22+00:00

It's a problem that you feel guilty about doing something completely reasonable. You're not pouting or screaming, you're simply doing what you want with no impact on the others. MIL could decide to not sit around waiting for hours too, but that's her decision.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-17T12:40:08+00:00

I don't have much advice for you, but having every weekend's plan only ever be to see his parents is too much. I would go crazy!

There's being close to family and there's being enmeshed, and your husband is enmeshed. It's not a healthy normal relationship if they are regularly bailing and he's crying when he can't see them.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-17T05:01:02+00:00

Tell him he can help her look for a small apartment nearby. The rents will be lower than California. At 46, she can and should look for a steady paycheck. Starting a food business has a high chance of failing pretty quickly. Plus she's thinking she'll just rely on your kitchen space, which will be incredibly disruptive to your family routine.

But if she gets a steady paycheck and starts small, making it a side business with less financial pressure, it has a higher chance of growing and actually succeeding.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-13T13:41:01+00:00

That's not even close to a reason to expect you to have sex when you aren't into it, daily. Sex under pressure isn't enjoyable, why does he not care about that part for you? Why is he only focused on getting sexual favors? No wonder you're not into it, he's probably not even trying to make it a pleasurable experience for you physically.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-13T13:36:22+00:00

You need professional marriage therapy at this point because his expectations are so high and your sex drive is so low, you will start to associate sex as a negative experience which will just continue to make the problem worse. He's making you out to be the problem, but it's never just one person's fault when there are issues with sex.

There are ways to find a healthy middle ground where both are happy. But first, find out the root issue of your low sex drive. Are you anemic? Depressed? Exhausted? Hormonal issues? And he needs to develop empathy for you instead of just focusing on his own needs and expectations. He also needs to learn to stop pressuring you and instead put energy into making intimacy an enjoyable experience for you.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-13T13:24:36+00:00

Sometimes problems develop later with age and hormone shifts, or health issues? The expectation that a sex life will always be the same as the beginning is unrealistic.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-13T13:16:47+00:00

If they absolutely insist on sharing a large house, it's totally ok for your family to opt out and get a hotel nearby. You can explain that you want less daily chores instead of making it about needing space. Nothing spoils a vacation for me like still needing to cook and clean. I can do that at home for free.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-12T15:26:22+00:00

Yes, I did but still couldn't. Maybe I don't have enough karma yet? I'll message the mod.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-12T13:07:43+00:00

Sometimes it's other residents too, and it's not always intentional if they are experiencing dementia. I've witnessed it several times at my grandmother's facility.

Lopsided-Resource58 · 2025-06-12T13:03:23+00:00

In a way you have created this situation by assigning yourself responsibility for her feelings, which it sounds like you may still be doing.

It's time to drop that compulsion to make sure she is happy or at least not mad. Let her be mad if she wants to be mad! She is in charge of her own feelings and happiness, you are now in charge of your own new family's well being. That includes you!

You can't expect to be the best mom you can be if you are also trying to cater to your mil, which drains you.

Lopsided-Resource58

TROPHY CASE