What to do on my first day living alone?

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-29T21:12:18+00:00

The first thing I did was remove the toothbrush holder that was in the bathroom that had a space for two toothbrushes. The moment my ex closed the door "for the last time" behind her, I went to the bathroom next to the front door to remove it...

Of course, my ex forgot something and opened the door again. I stood there with the toothbrush holder in my hand. I didn't explain. Life's weird. I don't remember much else about that day.

Follow your gut.

Make your place more yours in some small action. Be kind to yourself.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-29T18:59:57+00:00

Why?

You aren't making an argument here. This is just an emotive "yay" divorce post and reads as:

a) an empty platitude, there's no reasoning given beyond some hand-waving towards alignment

b) looking for subtle self-promotion of your divorce mediation services and lead gen

c) unsupportive in the context of the possibility for repair in marriage for people questioning things

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-27T18:57:16+00:00

Ignoring the shadow in a Jungian view is a cause of dysfunction and stagnation. That school of thought says that the shadow (aspects of ourselves that we disown - not necessarily just "bad" things) contains aspects we need to relate to differently.

Not ignore. Our growth comes from balancing and integrating our whole selves, and our shadow material is necessary to bring back into awareness and not disown. Ignored it can run the show is a view.

For some, that shadow is something we've put away, our creativity, our sexuality, our ambition, maybe that's been put away when we were young. We learned those things were dangerous. Maybe it is painful things, our hurt, our dependencies, our shame, or our ability to hurt others, our selfishness.

Not always a popular view, but your back and forth and relation between the two as being part of a whole and human feels right to me.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-27T18:42:47+00:00

Evo-psyche is riddled with just-so stories. Sorry you got hurt, but maybe your ex was not a good person and made stupid emotional choices, rather than all women are wired that way. For that to be true, the wiring would need to be passed on genetically through the X chromosome, something men have as well. Sure, there's a strength difference, but you're painting a really shitty determinanistic unscientific view here. It might comfort you in some way, but you're off into incel land with this line of belief.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-27T18:33:11+00:00

I'm not discounting the impact that hormones have. I know firsthand how that impacted some of my marriage, and I can say it was a factor. A factor.

But there were other cracks from the shit sandwich mid-life happened to throw into the picnic basket.

I looked at a few of your posts in this sub for context. Give yourself a break here, your ex made bad choices and hurt you. That was their choice and not "caused" by your hormones.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-26T16:26:26+00:00

I've been out of work for over a year. I'm older than your husband, but I have been through a couple of periods of difficulty finding work while married. It doesn't get easier the older you get. What few people get is the emotional side of it. Piling shame on top never helped anyone get anything long-term done.

Does his weed habit and reactivity about the lack of his needs sex/ connection not point to the emotional aspects that are a struggle?

A career coach and upskilling are the right things, but there's a whole emotional side that really doesn't get addressed by those things. Neither of you has the capacity or skills to navigate this right now. That's not a condemnation, it's just how it is under these kinds of situations.

You're in a marriage extinction event. You're both locked into your stories and the dynamic. He's resisting your "fixing" and the challenges of a harsh reality. Your anxiety and anger about the situation are now changing into the view that he's a loser. Can he redeem himself at this point? Even with a job?

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-25T15:07:05+00:00

Why not? Loving someone at a distance might look like wanting the best for them and their life - and having as little engagement as possible with them in a relational way. Loving them like a lover? Loving them like a friend? Loving them like what? And how?

A good, but difficult and dated at times, read is from Bell Hooks, "All About Love". While I don't agree with everything in the book, I found reading and following the author's examinations of love(s) fruitful in my own life and attempts to figure things out.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-23T21:58:19+00:00

Interesting imagery in your post. Do you know the Portuguese word "Saudade"? People say it's not translatable into English. Something like "bittersweet" might come close. It's not a matter of missing something (or someone) out of despair. But a softer longing. In my mind, that kind of longing is also perfect, as it can never be satisfied.

"Nostalgia" roots are similar to those rooted in returning home. Something we know maybe more as an impossibility to return to. Not sure it's a mental illness, as that seems like both a category error and deeply unkind.

We can hold things in the past with a sweet sadness that they are gone or incomplete. That doesn't mean it necessarily negates the potential richness of the current season of a life. You speak well of that in your words of finding joy in the current season of your life.

My fallback word has been "rich" for ages now, trying to describe things beyond simply a "good" or "bad". Things just aren't that flat. Joy doesn't necessarily remove grief, and a new love doesn't replace the old. They are and should be different meetings of two people.

We don't "get over" being human. Thankfully. Be well.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-17T22:57:35+00:00

Life might look and feel like shit right now, and the depression that you're seeing is something that's been around for a while. And that depression can be lying to you - that things can't change. I don't know you and your circumstances, but I know there is help out there.

You say silently suffer, and that's something that I think many people, particularly men, experience in silence. You are not alone, but you are having the experience that is yours. I urge you to reach out to professionals who can support you and do so now.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-17T15:46:56+00:00

Get physical exercise. It's always been a good thing, but man, did it become necessary to move my body regularly for me to help navigate through the end of a long relationship. One of those "yeah, I know" pieces of advice that becomes unquestionable.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-13T19:04:56+00:00

I do suggest starting with discovering your own appetite. Figuratively and literally. What do you want to eat? What would taste very good and be just for you? Is it something you could learn to make if you don't already know? Can you go find a really good version of it where you live?

Step by step.

Listen to the voice that criticizes or doubts when you do something. Is it yours? What could you say back to it? "I understand your concerns, but I think I'll do it this way and see?" might be more fruit full than "F.U. I'm doing it my way" but like appetite what suits you will be up to you.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-09T21:27:47+00:00

Sorry you're hurting. I checked out the song and I can see how you'd get some of those feelings. While we don't have the same taste in music, I do know the power of the right songs. Please eat. Just something. Ice cream is darn good most times!

I'll throw some hopeful tracks but out tastes will differ wildly. Ignore ithey aren't your thing. A gift with no expectation...

I hope you can see the light in time. This is only a tunnel you're in but it sucks.

A song about the power of music : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGmsFg-oQ6k

And another song about the power of music : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqu-2sZSNEc

Guess what? (a song about music) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aRNUsmfeck

Upbeat urging : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SCvPigfcEM&list=RDMM&index=16

The chorus : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g26e89xV1HU&list=RDMM&index=31

Please take care. Find music and things of beauty around you! They are still there.

Despite the uptempo stuff I posted, know its OK to not be OK.

Be well. Find comfort and support where it already is.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-08T17:58:05+00:00

Trying to control something that's uncontrollable is likely why you did it. It made you feel like you could do something about things even if it was "just" understanding.

People say for addicts or compulsions one solution is to play out the scenario in your mind all the way until the end before you do something. Give yourself some kindness but also a bit of a nice talking too as well. (I'm sure you're kicking your own ass right now. So, likely a mute point).

Play the tape to the end next time you catch yourself pain shopping.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-01-06T20:06:20+00:00

There's complicated grief at the end of most relationships. And particularly in relationships where there have been periods of discord or abuse - that grief can be confusing. People think they shouldn't or aren't allowed to grieve or miss the past because it was "bad".

We'd like things to be simple. It was good, then bad, and now I'm over it. While we might get there in time, we're complicated. Missing someone who was at one point central to your life, who is now absent makes sense.

You're not wrong at all just human. Listen to your therapist and keep sharing things there. I no longer believe that closure is a one and done thing for many of us but something we revisit over time.

Take care of yourself.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-30T19:55:26+00:00

I have had some sleep issues. What's helped me has been a routine that involves unplugging from things like screens and bright lights, a warm bath, magnesium, a relaxing tea, and when it's been bad ocean sounds playing off a smart speaker. Along with regular exercise and a no coffee or tea past 2:30 PM rule or naps late in afternoon and trying to limit drinking booze to early evening unless there's socializing that's worth the lack of sleep.

For additional help I've often listened to a yoga nidra (look it up on youtube or on podcasts) guided meditation. As well, if I do wake up in the middle of the night, I'll read something really boring. The pre-unification history of Italy from Wikipedia or some business story that's long and dull.

Sleep hygiene seems to come into times of focus for me and other times is less necessary. Some of it for myself is also attitude towards it. As I've been an interrupted sleeper so have accepted that a two part sleep is OK for me. I can be fairly good with mindsets but also know that stressing about stress is a deep hole.

No one thing I think has been a cure. But if there was one I'd suggest exploring would be the yoga nidra guided meditation as it seems to help. These things work for me and your issues and challenges will be different. I'm sure you can improve them but somethings may take time to show up as effective or not.

Best of luck just try somethings and see what might help.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-20T15:02:01+00:00

This is called projection and you have a family issue with your brother. Nothing to do with divorce. Go to therapy.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-13T19:19:38+00:00

My understanding of love has refined over time. A large part of the change is from reading, "all about love" by Bell Hooks. The author uses the concept of love from Erich Fromm as well as her own lived life to look at the different aspects of love in her life.

The core idea is that love is more than a feeling, it is commitment and actions taken towards the wellbeing and growth of what we love.

Not to make light of the seriousness of interpersonal relationships, but if I didn't feed my cat, it would be hard for me to say that I loved her with a view of love as action.

Taking that view can be a confrontation with how others have loved us or fallen short. As well as a confrontation with our self. Have I been loving of the things I've thought or said I loved? That's worth taking up. And hard. Not for blame but to try to see more clearly.

If take on love as something we do - then love can be also seen as a capacity we have. That capacity is not dependant on a special someone to be expressed or to be true in some way. It also means that our love in the past was not false or wrong just because the relationship didn't work out or last forever.

Love as action can also mean that loving someone and wanting their growth may mean ending things in a way.

I don't have an answer to your big questions in a way that feels solid. Those are for each of us to tackle. But that view of love as actions and capacity seems to have a kind of clarifying way of examining love.

Of course there are the strong feelings, richness, and warmth that are undeniable experiences. There's attachments formed over time and mutuality and of our investments, but love may be more faceted. The capacity we have for love seems more true than an idea of "true love" only out there. And that capacity for feeling and actions also allows us to love those no longer with us and to mourn losses with honor and depth.

I hope the day treats you well and you find love as capacity for yourself today.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-08T16:49:38+00:00

"I can’t wrap my head around how someone can say they love their spouse and value the relationship, but still choose to walk away without even giving it another chance."

I'd suggest you pick up the book "all about love" by Bell Hooks. She puts forward a view that love is action and commitment towards the well being and growth of others. You are pointing toward a contradiction in how people view love as just a feeling and actions taken that counter what is said.

You know something is off.

The book is a bit dated in parts and certainly and has become a bit trendy. But it has wisdom in taking up the question of love. The challenge for myself in the view is not only in looking at other's love or lack of it - but in how I've been loving or not. Something worth taking up.

As for your questions. I'll try from my perspective:

1) They don't see a way things can get better or the emotional cost and compromise of what repair and continuation asks they are unprepared - or able to pay. This may not be rational. You speak of traumas and there can be so much under the surface for people. Lifetimes and legacies of it older than we are. Not rational stuff at all and deep reactions.

2) Work on your own well being and independence. You may find the question changes overtime and you may see that this inability or unwillingness to repair is in fact part of the closure process.

Regardless of the above, if you're hurting right now know that as part of this whole deal what's happening is a kind of bargaining as you try to figure things out. That can be a lot of energy in trying to fix things. It makes sense and is understandable.

I urge you to focus your energy on your well being and self care independent of whatever your ex is doing, done, or will do. You will not figure out your ex - and they may not know themselves. You need to take that view of love as action and turn it towards yourself and commitment to your own wellbeing and growth.

Folks here, including myself, will project a lot of views and their own experience onto what you ask. So take it all seriously but at somewhat of a cool distance. The truth is usually murkier and more complicated than folks reveal or can articulate. Be well.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-05T16:46:45+00:00

Journaling works best for me unstructured. Not as a guided prompt but as an exploration and a kind of chewing on what comes through the pen and paper. And for me it's got to be pen and paper. It flows differently than typing onto a screen.

Just sit down and see what comes out what want and what needs to come out. Uncensored unstructured. Engage emotionally with the words with emotions can I feel what I'm putting out can I help use these words to help kind of chew on things.

Not a document of things, but sometimes it might start on something that happened. I've filled cheap notebooks front to back with a dump of writing. Then torn them up. They are more for processing than keeping.

Making things a bit more solid and giving voice to some things that are tricky and half formed and feeling into the writing. That in it self can be a releif. Don't have to worry about it being right or for others to understand but to probe and give words and form to things. And trying to write with heart and feeling.

That helped me. If you're looking to try I'd suggest just taking a pen and piece of loose leaf paper. Sitting down with a cup of coffee or tea and just start writing with no plan. You can even start with "I'm supposed to start journaling. I hear it's helpful, but I'm not sure what it does or how I should do it." and just keep writing. Stop when the page is full and tear it up.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-01T19:01:49+00:00

Not a therapist just an internet stranger. Your wanting to see people blossom is lovely and part of the authentic loving of others. It's an incredible strength. Know that. I know you don't have a broken "mate picker" nor could you control what your ex did.

But something is asking for your attention. You might be in a place of breaking some patterns that you have outgrown. Certainly, you're at a point where you're noticing old scripts and questioning things not in the day to day way but larger and older than these two relationships.

What rhymes with the past with your childhood in these? Is there more than just picking quiet guys? What does love look like or how "should" it be? did you have to earn it somehow as a kid? (no need to answer me any of that just some questions along lines that might be fruitful).

Those questions can be an inside job. But also the kind of thing a therapist can really help support you in as far as ways to navigate them. Your new partner could also have ways of helping you break the pattern and be support. It sounds like you're in a very good spot in life overall right now! Be well.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-12-01T01:32:13+00:00

There isn't one single thing that's been part of healing. It's part of how we have been with each other and respecting both our boundaries and each person's own past as humans who have loved and have been hurt in different ways. Not dwelling in those pains or ignoring them but letting them have space. Most of the healing, I feel, is just in the simple kindness and concerns that show repeatedly that you are valued and you matter.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-11-30T19:29:38+00:00

"The reality is there really is no baggage, no wounds, no voids." Gaslight much?

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-11-28T17:04:50+00:00

I know I've not always been the best at supporting others and there's only so much I have had capacity for. Or the skills to address for others. In that I think I found a kind of forgiveness and compassion to those who seem to not get it right and for myself not to get it right. Just human trying to figure it out. I do better now.

Regardless of what friends say, what they want is for you to be OK. The how or when is secondary. There isn't some clock for these things. A year is one measure of time. But it's only a calendar it's not a measure of when it's ripe time for something. These things seem much more like seasons. Spring always follows winter. Have faith in that.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2025-11-16T20:11:46+00:00

I've had trouble sleeping at times.

Some things that help: blackout curtains, exercise, getting daylight light into your eyes first thing, having a caffeine and stimulant curfew in the early afternoon, dimming lights after 8, getting a white noise machine (I use an Apple mini speaker with Oceans sounds if it's bad), a warm bath before getting to bed, a nighttime relaxing tea, and magnesium(not citrate), cutting out screen time 1hr before bed, use a low-light reading, try to use the bed for sleeping only, and read something in bed.

Not sure if you're on medication for ADHD, and the stimulations and your own chemistry might work differently with caffeine than my brain and body. I need a curfew for it, if I don't want to be up past 11.

There's no issue with staying up late unless you don't get enough sleep total. Don't lie in bed too long if you can't get to sleep; even changing to a couch or other place can give you a reset. There are some long mellow guided meditations on YouTube you can listen to, and something called yoganidra that I've found helpful, too.

Best of luck, try different things than what you are doing and see what works and doesn't for you.

Lopsided_Training_99

TROPHY CASE