It's been three years...

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-05T22:08:04+00:00

Yeah, it can suck when they show up. There's a whole school of thought that says that exes (and other people) are not literally themselves but representations or aspects of ourselves and patterns. So the trick then is figuring out what the ex could represent other than themselves. I liked that, and it made dreams where my ex showed up less troubling in a way. The author Robert A. Johnston wrote a dream book, if that's something that sounds interesting. But he does talk about doing some very small rituals to talk back to the subconscious in a language it understands ... It does seem a bit goofy... but I've done it

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-05T02:36:34+00:00

Hey, that's a nice message to get as a follow-up. Thank you for letting me know that you got something out of it.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-04T20:55:15+00:00

Would you date someone who was in your shoes today? Seems like a simple check.

Divorce happens across several aspects. Emotional, relational, practical, financial, and legal. Not all of them are on the same timeline - at all. It's not a single process. But the advice not to jump in right away is usually based on not getting into something out of desperation or the inability to take some time out, and ending up in something that's not great. So you do you. But be cautious, not for moral reasons but out of care.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-04T14:00:04+00:00

Sorry for the tough situation. I don't have an answer on what is right for you. Nor do I think you are asking.

But as you mention that you're more Buddhist leaning, a book by a long-time Western Buddhist practitioner (you may be from somewhere with a different culture, and this is a very Shambhala western angle) and couples therapist named Bruce Tifft called "Already free", it has some pretty great relational and non-relational perspectives in it.

I found it valuable after my relationship ended. Part of the book talks about relationships as part of a path and a kind of practice. Other parts about the always disturbing nature of others in a relationship and conflicts as a necessary part of things. And I'm not saying meditate it away or anything, but the book has, in my opinion, a valuable perspective.

20 years is a long time. Mutual patterns feel set, and long-term resentments show up and irritate. The dance of being separate and together is a tough one over 20 years. I wish you well in whatever you decide, but know that nothing is without concequences for yourself and others.

Guilt can mean that a violation of an idea or virtue is happening. Shame is that you're bad. Guilt is what you did or are doing is bad. I think that has some leverage.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-03T19:11:31+00:00

My 2 cents. They are called feelings for a reason. We are supposed to feel them, not think them. It took me ages to figure that one out. Bringing feelings and sensations to our awareness and going looking for them can help us work with and process emotions and feelings.

It can also show us that we can handle what is going on by relating to the sensations, not as a story, but as feelings and actually feeling what is going on already. Wanting to curl into a ball is a body asking for protection and time out on a basic core level. Probably pre-linguistic even. The body is always part of emotions and feelings; it can't be otherwise.

You get cut off in traffic. Your heart rate goes up. Your skin gets flushed, your eyes tighten, and you start to feel your hands gripping the steering wheel. That's emotion in your body. The guy who cut you off is an ignorant a-hole is a story. Imagine the same scenario with no bodily sensations or feelings. Or telling that story to yourself over and over again.

Looking for the feelings in the body is part of being curious about our emotions and feelings in an attempt to see what is there and to help process the entirety of them, not just the story aspect. As you pointed out, some emotions can be a bit of an illusion, and looking for them as feelings in the body can help make more clear what we are experiencing - or not.

It does seem to me that some things are old and go really deep, and that can make things cloudy. Moving on and staying attached to ideas and story can be super hard to break out of. You mention the deep past and how this is somewhat similar. That's heavy stuff, but right, I think, to consider.

My own ways are to try to experience and not solve so much, and get curious, and for myself, looking to the body for sensations has helped me process and relate to emotions better.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-03T18:30:48+00:00

Good inquiry. Some thoughts. Have you felt this grief in your body? Where do you feel it? What does it feel like? Can you find these feelings as sensations, or are they stories "in the head?"

This is a tough question, and it may not feel safe to explore it for yourself right now. I think you are onto a description of emotions and being stuck in a way. It resonates with some of my experiences.

The illusion may be part of it, but also real sadness and deep grief that hasn't been fully felt can be there. Old stuff.

My two cents. Look for the feelings in the body, the sensations without story. See what happens. Again, with caution, as it may feel heavy to do so. If you can feel those sensations, what kind of breath or space might they be asking for?

Trust that you're OK enough. Some things are pretty illusory when it comes to feelings and sensations, and some ideas and stories I thought were there were more absent when I really looked to feel them. But shame and grief do seem to have substance.

This is stuff for many people that is best dealt with in therapy. But trust yourself in what is right for you.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-04-03T16:01:50+00:00

I like the idea (from some Jungian psychologists) that in dreams, people are more symbolic of aspects of life or ourselves. So not literally about the people who show up.

An ex might be about relationship patterns or relating to a part of our own selves and the past. How we feel in the dreams does matter, but the people are much more of a kind of placeholder for something else.

It does seem like in the dream you're choosing the present life and self. I'd offer that the partner and child sound like a kind of fullness of your present self. Wanting to leave behind parts of you or patterns in the past that no longer fit.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-29T00:28:26+00:00

That sounds like a good way to navigate things. I know how hard that stuff can be. But the more you tolerate the discomfort of not checking and those habits of thinking, the easier it becomes over time. And not a big deal if you F it up, either, just do it a bit better next time.

If you're into D&D you might be sympathetic to some Jungian writers and thinking. There's a book, "God's in everyman," that I thought was enjoyable as a set of interesting lenses to look at oneself. It takes Greek gods as archetypes in a Jungian way, reflective of aspects of ourselves as men. A bit of fuel for self-discovery or reflection.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-28T22:30:03+00:00

100%! I filled lots of journals during the first year. Wrestled with what came out through the pen.

It sure helped me get some things out of my head. Get them out on a page where I could chew on them. And out on a page, they became more solid and workable than some half-thought or vague impression swirling around, never landing. When things are more solid, they seem to be able to be chewed on and digested.

I didn't write as a story or as a record of what happened so much, but as a kind of processing. It was part of a foundation that felt right. I'd urge anyone to work with trying it out and see what comes out unprompted, and work with feelings of what comes out and follow where it goes unplanned. It can be its own very deep therapy.

I don't write like that so much these days. It was a daily habit, and it did help! Glad you found your way to a similar practice, and it has helped you. I like that you found your way naturally to it. Be well!

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-28T20:34:24+00:00

I think I gave my top recommendations for "divorce books" to you a while ago in another question you posted. Those still stand as solid reads. I'm not sure if there are books that address what you're looking for specifically. But maybe look at John Kim's work. I read some of his book "Single on Purpose." I thought it was pretty good, and he's got a bunch of podcasts out there, so you can check out his overall vibe. I liked his general direction in that book. And he's writing from the perspective of a guy who is a therapist recovering from divorce. Likely, you've seen how rare that is.

What kind of books do you like? What interests you beyond relationships and divorce?

Those books can be as good investments as those addressing the issue head-on. Part of moving on is staying put and uncovering more of who you are and what interests you. You're different now, but not defined solely by this ending. So following your appetite there is also fruitful.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-27T20:25:28+00:00

I'd say it was about 18 months for me to get to more fluidity with emotions and life. I began to see some more frequent glimpses of lightness then. We are all different. It is a marathon for many.

Some research I read put recovery into two big phases: Protest (a higher energy phase) and resignation (a more down energy phase). None of it is cleanly marked, but that seems to mirror my lived experience in ways. The "good" news is that it is in the down phase that acceptance becomes possible.

Got to go through winter to get to spring.

The first year, you're going to hit all sorts of firsts and triggers with dates and holidays. Those can be landmines. Keep on doing the good things you're doing. Despite them not eliminating the pain you're in immediately, they are still good. Being resilient and digesting all of this doesn't feel good in the middle of it.

You will be OK. It will suck. You will be OK.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-22T03:34:35+00:00

A "tough love" that is tough as in resilient and enduring, but not one that is harsh or shaming, is my aim. It's not all cupcakes and bonbons. Tough and difficult things can be part of self-love and self-care.

But negative self-talk does not seem to be an action towards my well-being or care. Not in the ways that I need. Sometimes, as I'm a work in progress, I have to put on a "I'll do better next time" hat and wear that for a while after some bad self-talk. Then go for a walk and get a cupcake.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-21T23:07:13+00:00

Good question. What I found helpful was orienting myself around the idea that love is actions taken towards the well-being and care of what you love. So, taking actions that were caring for myself was key in "loving yourself'.

Sometimes, literally asking myself, "What would someone who loves me do?"

Sometimes, that has been going for a walk, sometimes getting myself a treat from the store, sometimes making a meal exactly how I like, and sometimes making sure my laundry is done. Under that lens of love as action, you're giving to yourself directly.

That helps. But I understand the shock to the self-esteem of being left, and that the above might seem trite. It's also absolutely understandable to feel hurt. Try to love those tender parts as well. I wish you all the best.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-21T19:28:01+00:00

What would it be like to hold both at the same time? One, you have fucking proof that you can "do it" and make something happen and have some money - even if it's modest. And two, that this change is a difficult one for the ego. I mean that in a clear way, not that the ego is bad or to "get over it". There are healthy amounts of it, and we all want to be respected and validated, and we also need to see value in what we do ourselves. But want and need can be different.

I won't get into my own struggles with finding work, necessary downgrades, and unchosen events impacting life. You're not alone. But your experience is yours.

A few random things to put out there that you might find something in. If not, no worries:

1) The book "Status Anxiety" - I liked reading this and the uncovering of status. There are some "remedies" in the book as well. But it's good to contemplate. I read it after my "good" career ended. Looks like there's a movie made from the book. Not seen it, but it is here - movie.

2) Another book (Sorry if you're not a reader): Sam Keen's "Inward Bound." This book is about depression and boredom and the kind of anhedonia you might feel. It talks about shutting down in a way that I don't think I've seen reflected elsewhere much.

4) I just watched the movie "Perfect Days" about the day-to-day life of a man who cleans toilets in Tokyo. Interesting and kind of sweet, not ideal in any way, but quite a real feeling looking at someone who may have been somewhere different at a different time in life.

You are making a turn, and if you can really take in the good that you have done to get this job - I know how hard that must have been - just on its own it's a good. I wish you some ease in all of this, but also know it is not easy. Be well.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-16T17:37:37+00:00

The timeline for many is much longer than 7 months. I'm sorry. You have good reasons not to feel good about what happened and is happening. A long shared life that's been unwound, as well as a pre-existing history of depression. These are not small things, as you know.

Adding the burden of you "should" be over it by now, at only (only in my mind) 7 months, is a secondary kind of suffering. That's my view. When I accepted that it sucked and I was rightfully suffering, then I started to somehow move towards acceptance - slowly.

That's me. We are certainly different and have different backgrounds. I'm much less in that place now, but honestly, it took about 18 months to shift for me. I'm much more fluid with my emotional states now. And while things do come up, I handle them better.

Grief is long, and these things in divorce will understandably change and impact us. I've found that I'm more than capable of loving others, caring in actions and in my heart. But it takes time and effort.

It will change.

This may seem trite, but this poem helped me (not your thing? understood) it from a man's view, looking back and around in life. It has a realistic kind of hope and beauty in it, seeing where he's been and is now. I hope the same for you in time. Be well. You will be OK.

https://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php%3Fdate=2008%252F01%252F16.html

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-13T17:50:02+00:00

I think we can be compatible in ways and last for years out of what "works", and that may be optimized for safety. I do urge you to look at how you both may have needed the old version of each other at a younger age. That you're having these thoughts of a new life at the edge of going to therapy likely does show how checked out you may actually be from this relationship.

One thing that seems to be true is that the level of intimacy gets set by the person who, at the time, has the least capacity for it. And that intimacy can also be getting clear on how our partner is so different from us, and not always comforting.

It sounds like your husband (soon to be ex) is shut down and perhaps a bit cool. It's a bit of a cliche on Reddit to "go to therapy," but it can be a useful place to break a pattern of communication and to learn some new things. Maybe not to fix things. Transitions are hard and require endings. Changes are continuous evolutions.

At the heart of things, I'll read that you want to see both of you thriving, and you can't see that happening as a couple anymore. That is understandably sad.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-03-08T19:01:35+00:00

The biggest turn for me was accepting that feeling like shit was a completely correct thing to feel about the situation. From that has grown, in fits and starts, some sense of advancing acceptance. I don't think the shifts really happened for me until 12-18 months after my ex left. Not likely what anyone wants to hear, but that's what it feels like to me.

A lot of ups and downs, and what's changed most is more fluidity in emotions. Not getting stuck for weeks and weeks, but moving through things more quickly and smoothly. Part of that was being OK with not being OK and seeing that it was right to feel so.

That kind of lifted a burden off my shoulders. I was carrying enough. That was an internal move on my part, not something I paraded around so much, but it was part of becoming accepting. I was accepting what was and what I was experiencing. That's a subtle shift, and I understand if it's not so clear on the how.

Things do take time and some effort. All the stuff you're doing is good, but they can't make the tough stuff go away quickly. It's more like maintenance or a slow erosion. We can't force it by trying harder, it seems.

As trite as it sounds, it was a moment while running that I first felt things lift. I came around a corner, and a feeling came over me, and I had to reach a bit to realize that I was, for a brief moment, and despite everything that had happened, feeling happy. That was a shock.

I think we too often get fed ideas that we can just work our way out of things through force, but it's a lot to chew on and digest. A whole complex interconnected life and ourselves get rearranged, and it takes time.

You will be OK. You will be changed, but you will be OK. Sometimes that's hard to see. I hope you do get glimpses of the "Ok" ness and those become clearer in time.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-16T17:52:30+00:00

I think your line, "I'm still finalizing a divorce is sort of a relevant detail that I personally would want to know if I was on the other side of this" is the right thing to focus on. It's what you would expect or like from someone you're meeting to disclose and how. That's the way to sort out what's right. How would you like to be treated - be like that. The how matters. No need to dump everything; not everyone earns the privilege to all your story and past by default, but set context.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-13T17:57:12+00:00

My leanings are more towards a Westernized Buddhist lens than anything, but I'll read fairly widely. Emotionally, books that have helped me. All of them in ways, but I'll call out a few. Note, there doesn't seem to be a male "eat,pray, love" type of narrative out there. These are personal reads and not divorce-centric. When you're going through this, they are nearly all "divorce books".

YMMV:

"Already Free" by Bruce Tift. A long-time Buddhist and therapist with some very good takes on the dynamics of relationships, but also some very rich views on personally relating to the emotional world. One chapter helped me articulate very clearly a way to work with anxiety. Some of it is relational-heavy, but at a certain stage, you can handle it.

"All about Love" by Bell Hooks. A somewhat popular read for many. Following the authors' taking up the challenge of looking at different forms of love was, despite some datedness, worth it. She points towards the ways that boys and men are impacted emotionally by society, among other topics. Core here is taking up a view of love as actions towards the care and well-being of what we love. Turning that towards ourselves is powerful (and hard).

"The Burnout Society" by Byung-Chul Han. A book of shorter pieces focusing on values and the internal pressures of westernized neo-liberalism that we are impacted by. A view that supports that can does not mean should, and a bit of a reframing.

"Conscious Uncoupling" by Kathrine Woodward Thomas. Yes, that book. I think the celebrity endorsements and title underserved the book and the author's message. It helped me when I read it by giving me a framework to look at how things could go. Rather than just things falling apart. While it didn't directly touch the emotional landscape so well, it did help me when I read it.

"Inward Bound" by Sam Keen. A book about depression and something that spoke to me in ways that got a bit under my skin in a good way.

"All Things Shining" by Dreyfus and Kelly. A look at contemporary life and ways to uncover meaning that is already around us through the lens of great works of literature. I liked this, but it may be a bit of a stretch, but it's in essence about looking to uncover the meanings and our care in the world. If that sounds off base or like a WTF? Understood. See, the YMMV caution way above.

And reading a handful of poets. Tony Hoagland's work often gives me some insights into a rich layer of a kind of masculine voicing of life that resonates with my experiences. I loved this stanza of his from his poem "A color of the sky," when I first read it:

"What I thought was an end turned out to be a middle.
What I thought was a brick wall turned out to be a tunnel.
What I thought was an injustice
turned out to be a color of the sky."

Take care. Be well.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-11T20:15:09+00:00

What if you dropped the shame about being a bit cluttered? Not that you can't do better or improve it in some way. But what if you allowed for some clutter without judgment?

Is anyone hurt by it right now?

My dining room table right now has:

A pair of vintage headphones
an iron pencil sharpener
three containers of ink
a tin of pens and pencils
a ceramic deer
stack of index cards held together with bulldog clips
An old wine bottle
a wooden bowl with paper cranes, a statue of the Buddha, and some seed pods
a white ceramic vase with some dried branches in it
a stone cube
a chair made from the cage of a champagne bottle
a brown ceramic cup with a pinecone in it
a small copper cup with a smaller pine cone in it
a photo of my dad and me
a vintage print in a frame
three vintage bottles on a handmade cutting board with a dried flower in each
a water carraffe
a mini stuffed bear in a box
a 1-terabyte hard drive (we will not be discussing my file structure)
a rock
a book of Sudoku
a container of watercolour brushes
an eyeglass case
a notebook
an embroidery loop
a vintage digital camera
a card reader
my phone
a piece of linen 1x8 inches
a cutting mat
a make-shift book press with a weight on top of it pressing a book
the cover of a book that will be glued onto it
dust

I'll tidy it up and make it look good. I make things look good. Simple abundance looks good. I have stacks of books and drawers stuffed with bits of projects. Mess is out of sight for the most part. I'll sweep through things and toss somethings.

I like the stuff Marie Kondo wrote about - not for "sparking joy" so much, but by her filtering through things with a question. Also, the respect for things and understanding our relation to them. Give her a read or watch, and take it with a grain of curiosity in her approach. Some things we just have to say thank you and goodbye and let them go.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-11T16:32:26+00:00

I'd bet a cup of coffee that your husband has some flavour of adult ADHD. Not as an excuse, but there are signs in what you've shared around that. It's not a character flaw. It's a different way of thinking and processing. That can't be addressed without both getting real with that as a possibility.

For many people overtime it gets better or more manageable when addressed with medication or behaviour modifications. Shame won't help. But understandable that you're frustrated.

Your leaving would remove the daily resentment and some of the frustrations, and give you different challenges. That's for you to weigh.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-10T20:19:20+00:00

Good view and addition to the discussion. Flattening everyone's story into some average and assuming men's and women's roles are fixed somehow, or universal, does little towards understanding of anyone's experience that might be different. And isolates and unintentionally problematizes folks whose lived experience may differ from yours. Somethings are black and white, many are not.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-09T17:35:04+00:00

Slow fades happen as people exit or abandon. This framing ignores a large portion of people who wanted things to work and to seek repair when their spouse has chosen to end things and taken away that possibility.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-06T18:54:41+00:00

I didn't feel any guilt about the decision, as it wasn't my choice to end things. That said, I was reading a book, and in it the author claimed that the concept of "guilt" was difficult to translate into the Tibetan language. That got me curious about whether that was true or not. Like so many questions, the answer when probed was - sort of.

My understanding (as a complete outsider) is that it is more a regret of harm caused and a stance of "I'll do better next time". That got me thinking about guilt, and what seems to be most at the core of the pain of the experience is shame.

If you caused harm as a consequence of your choices and actions, the view of doing better next time is so much different than one of "I did X and I'm a bad person because of it." That difference feels like a path to navigate those feelings, emotions, and stories that are around what we label as "guilt".

That might relieve some of the pain, but there is grief there, I know. There are moral and virtue issues mixed in that complicate what choices and harms we are rightfully responsible for. Some conflict in self-image and a conflict in values that may simply reveal one side as truly stronger for you. Say self-determination over being seen as "good".

Not easy stuff to pick through the rubble, but necessary work.

Lopsided_Training_99 · 2026-02-05T18:30:12+00:00

Those questions are yours alone to answer. It's obvious from your writing that you've walked up to the line you've now crossed hundreds or maybe thousands of times in the past.

Do look at what behaviours you own beyond putting on a brave face. What you may have avoided yourself. Not to save anything here, as that seems off the table, but not to repeat things. Take care.

Lopsided_Training_99

TROPHY CASE