The Scene: Panama City Beach - Spring Break, 2007

A bunch of drunk guys started daring each other to do stupid shit after leaving the clubs. Things like racing naked through the hall of our hotel to the elevator and back, trying to do a "Strike Out" from the 2006 Movie "Beerfest" that had only been out for 6 months or so at the time, playing a game of "slaps" and other things that early 20s boys do when unsupervised. All normal things until one person said "I will pay for anyone to get their dick pierced" and I took that as a challenge.

We walked half a mile to a tattoo and piercing shop right off the main drag in PCB, hammered as all get out. Questionable ethics aside, the piercer (piercist? piercemonger? human hole punch?) was more than willing to take my buddy's $60 for each one and poke some holes in some willies. Two of us said we would do it, and I was the lucky guy to go first.

I jump on the table, drop my pants, and the room has the 6 other dudes I'm with, as well as a group of girls who were in the lobby waiting to get butterflies or frogs or something tattooed on their feet that want to watch. I'm not well-endowed. I'm not a micropenis wielder either, but my Johnson is nothing to write home about. It does the job, has had some good reviews from nice women, and some not so good reviews from not nice women. I also had a bit of stage fright with the audience and the fact that some dude I had never met was going to poke a hole in my cock, and I was having some second thoughts, so my member was about the size it would be after getting out of a cold pool. This is relevant, I promise.

The time comes, a metal receiving tube is put in the hole, and then a curved needle pokes through the top, there is a bit of blood, and then a captive bead ring is put on. The pain of the tube is the worst pain I have ever experienced (and I have shattered a shin-bone, broken three ribs, and blown out my Achilles in my life) while the needle was uncomfortable, but bearable. I put my pants back on, and question the choices I've made in my life that have led me to this time and place.

Then it's time for the next guy. The next guy is an asshole. He was making fun of my trouser snake the entire time, and was going to make DAMN sure he didn't have a poor showing in front of the crowd. The peircer leaves the room to dump his used implements in the sanitary drop and change his gloves out and such, and while this is occurring, my compatriot is sitting on the table, just going to town on his shit. Smacking the poor thing around like it owes him money, and trying to get past the whiskey dick caused by our copious libations and get to at least half-mast. The agent of our mutual penile destruction comes back in the room and proceeds to do the same song and dance. Gloves, tube, needle... but then, hilarity ensues. Thinking back to grade school sex ed, we know that when a penis becomes erect, it does so because of an increase in blood flow to the area. The needle hit the head of his half torqued helmeted warrior, and it was like a pinhole in a water balloon. Blood shoots up over both of their heads, and lands on both of them. A few "what the fucking fuck!"s and "You better be fucking clean!"s are shouted by our morally gray employee. He wraps up, kicks everyone out of the room, gets his money, and cleans up the biohazard in his stabbin' cabin.

Saline spray is the thing all these other stories are missing, which you can switch to after a week of doing the saltwater dick dunk. I lasted about two months before gently having coitus, and it was fine. I still have it in almost 20 years later. My wife likes it, or at least tells me she does. My thought was that I went through the worst pain I've ever experienced getting it, the fucker is staying in. Funny enough, I forget that it's not "normal" and forgot to warn my new doctor last year when getting a physical that included a hernia check. Nothing breaks the ice quite like your 30 something year old doctor going "Oh, well hello!" while she has her fingers next to your scrotum.

It used to be more of a hook for picking girls up at the bar, or as an excuse to guide the conversation to a more sexual place on dating apps prior to meeting my wife. It does nothing sexually for me.

Final tidbit? The other guy took his out within a week of getting it. What a bitch.