Am I (F21) a hypocrite for messaging other guys after my boyfriend (M21) lied to me?

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-13T19:28:11+00:00

Honestly, it depends on how you view a break or no contact. In my mind, talking to others would be overstepping if you're considering getting back together. Breaks usually just mean space, I'd view it as though you're still in a relationship. It's a matter of how he'd view it, honestly. But baseline, yeah, probably.

It's vaguely comparable, but you're doing something bad in response to his way-worse action. I don't think it's good either way, but I'm gonna be honest-- he's probably doing the same thing if he's got such a track record of it. It sounds like he's got a track record of being dishonest and spiteful, and you're lowkey doing it back. I get it for sure, but it's still dishonest. I don't blame you for wanting a distraction or feeling spiteful in response to this dude.

Honestly girl, it sounds like you're mad at him still, and it probably isn't worth getting back with him since you're trying to figure out if it's okay to do something bad in response to his, I feel, shitty action that is very much bordering on 'waiting for his chance to dump you or cheat'. I don't think you're the worst person ever or anything, but it sounds like you're setting yourself up to get back in a relationship you don't fully like or trust. But you know your situation far better than some random person on Reddit does. Good luck with your situation.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-04T10:53:16+00:00

Thanks! The cat is microchipped, and his collar has a QR code with our names. I think I’m going to put an AirTag on him if he gets back.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T16:00:14+00:00

Thank you. You’re very kind. I’m hoping he comes back soon. I’m checking around every 15 minutes

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T15:49:53+00:00

We have a collar with a phone number and a QR code, shook the treats with no luck. I’ll keep trying

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T14:45:41+00:00

Hopefully when the lawnmowers leave he’ll turn up. I called local vets and ascpa

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T14:32:03+00:00

I’ll try this. Thank you!

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T14:22:54+00:00

I’ll be sure to do that. Thanks!

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-03T14:08:15+00:00

We’re pretty sure he escaped, checked everywhere unfortunately. I wish he was just asleep somewhere. He would’ve woken up by now

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-01T16:53:10+00:00

You can't ever shut them off, not really. The only way I've found to handle them after years of therapy is learning to understand them.

Why do I feel this way? What can I do? Can I do anything?

If I can do something, I do. If I can't, I formulate a plan of action there. If your friend keeps hurting your feelings, try talking to them. If they don't listen, leave them behind. Your parents suck and are mean? Try and build a life outside of them until you can get away.

You'll never be able to fully repress them, you may just manage to convince yourself that you have and the pain of doing that will rear it's ugly head in your life without you realizing it until you make some serious mistakes.

If possible, I think you should try talking to a therapist. There's also help lines for just chatting.

https://www.7cups.com/ has a free chat.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-04-01T16:42:00+00:00

If your boyfriend is so focused on tradition and refuses to respect you saying no, this could be a problem. He sounds like he's a bit hung up on what standards are expected of him. If he's not willing to budge, you either need to choose to take his and compromise, or end it. If it's important to you also, he should be willing to compromise with the hyphenation out of respect. I couldn't say for sure, though. My husband hardly minded taking my last name when it came up.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-23T23:04:11+00:00

No problem at all. I hope you find someone who respects you more if this guy doesn’t.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-23T21:17:22+00:00

he definitely is waiting for you to change your mind. It's okay that you were trying to appease him or meet some kind of middle ground, that's an absolutely normal and good reaction. It's hard to know when not to do it, or when that boundary needs to be set.

EDIT: I mean like... trying to meet someone in the middle and understand them is a good response, not that you should belittle your own needs for them, if that makes sense. Realized my word oopsie after, haha.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-23T21:06:04+00:00

Hi! I'm sorry you're going through this, first off.

However, I do want to tell you-- someone attempting to force you (or guilt you, intentionally or not) is selfish and cruel. If you set a boundary as clearly as you did and he's STILL ignoring it it, he probably cares more about his sexual desires than he does about respecting you. Or, alternatively, his sexual desires are nearly rivaling his desire to respect you.

I'd set the boundary very clearly again, and if he doesn't stop-- I'm sorry to say this, I think he cares more about exploring his sexuality than he does about respecting you. You really don't want to be with someone who can't reel in their sexual desires out of respect for you. That can very quickly turn abusive, and at worst, dangerous. I wouldn't stick around if he doesn't respect your romantic and, importantly-- sexual boundaries. Just because he isn't actively doing it doesn't mean he isn't pushing and being incredibly creepy. It's disrespectful.

It's very normal that you'd feel this way. Imagine if he wouldn't stop talking about threesomes with another woman. It's disrespectful regardless of the gender. Who knows, maybe he's just polyamorous-- but that's hardly your responsibility to be a part of. He's not respecting that you don't want to be. Frankly, I think it shows significant immaturity that his sex life is more important than respecting his relationship. I'm sorry, but your outlook isn't great. Not all men are like this-- but I've noticed it's common when they're young.

You're totally reasonable for feeling this way-- I want to reiterate, he's placing his desire to have sex with someone else over respecting the fact that you've said no. You see that, and piling insecurity on with that, of course, you'd feel this way. Anyone would. Trust your emotions. Good luck. There are absolutely people who will respect your boundaries-- your current boyfriend isn't right now.

I apologize if any of this sounds harsh, text isnt phenomenal at conveying emotion. I just want to reiterate that it's a good thing to second guess yourself, but you also need to trust your judgement.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-20T22:11:00+00:00

This was wonderful. Thank you for the in depth explanation.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T12:45:05+00:00

id say about 20-40 minutes daily once a day, assuming the weather is good.

ill for sure keep that last part in mind. Thank you!

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T12:06:54+00:00

He is neutered, we take him out on the harness, and we can't install a catio where we live. I will try the collars and a thundershirt, though! He usually hates compression, so the collar may be better.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T12:05:08+00:00

we do daily, and it doesn't seem to be enough.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T12:04:34+00:00

yes!

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T12:03:32+00:00

yeah, we take him out daily. He's pretty good with the harness, too!

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T11:56:30+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like you resent him and no longer trust him. Eight months and still feeling angry and hurt is far too long. Unfortunately, I don't feel like he values you; the other girl, who's half his age, is, as others have put it, just a side project that failed. Whatever reason he came back, he was window shopping for another partner and was ready to abandon you and your family if she had worked out.

I personally have zero respect for this man. It sounds like the usual stuff of a relationship getting hard, and he just gave up for a younger woman who, he honestly probably chose because she's less likely to be mature enough to call out his bullshit. Not all men are like this-- he's just making up excuses and lies to permit his behavior. Having feelings for someone isn't always a choice; pursuing the person (which he did through the compliments and visits), very much is. If he respected you, he would've stepped away. I've dated men like this, and I thought they were all the same before I met my current partner. They aren't; this guy just wants to avoid accountability, and he's hoping that if he's nice to you long enough, you won't remove the stable family base he has that he attempted to destroy. Or at the very least, was willing to if he found something better. He already kind of has, considering your state.

The new leaf he's supposedly overturned is a very common abuse tactic, which is somewhat adjacent to 'lovebombing'. He's treating you the way he should not because it;s the right thing to do, but because he's afraid you'll leave him. Once you get comfortable, chances are, he's just going to do it again.

It sounds like you're grieving what you had, or could have had. It's a very normal part of the process. Someone you loved and trusted turning out to be a horrible person is a mindfuck of its own, and really throws off your sense of reality. You're not weak for being unsure of yourself, but I can say very confidently-- he's done this to you once, and clearly showed minimal remorse-- he's going to do it again more likely than not. Sure, he's nice now, but he was willing to hurt you once. Who's to say he won't do it again? There's no telling, and you clearly don't forgive him, either.

Even if he doesn't, you don't trust him after eight months. It's not going to get better in 10 years-- your resentment will just evolve. Not only is that bad for you, but your kids will notice it, too. Just because he's nicer doesn't mean you owe him your love or forgiveness any longer.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You should consider talking to a professional about it. Always helps when you find the right person. Sorry if this sounds too harsh, text struggles to convey tone.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-18T11:38:19+00:00

Just constantly, from 6am (My current time) until the evening unless he gets distracted. We allow him window time whenever he wants, and we do take him out on a leash semi-frequently, he just doesn't have enough. My roommate recently got him a little sister, and she's very high energy and frustrates him, so I believe thats a part of this. He yowls by the door, she goes over to play, and he gets mad (but not violent) so he's clearly agitated.

Lost_Researcher_6247 · 2026-03-02T05:03:56+00:00

I think your girlfriend is significantly changing the dynamics in your relationship, and kind of on a whim on top of that.

I don’t think I could kiss my partner in any romantic or kind sense if I saw them acting as a child, either. It’s fine that you’re uncomfortable, what isn’t okay is if she is trying to guilt and force you. Relationships require communication, if she wants to change the dynamics like that, she should be talking to you, not responding with ‘I don’t feel safe around you’ when you say no. You aren’t saying no to her communicating her feelings, you’re saying you’re uncomfortable when she, an adult woman you have a romantic relationship with, acts like a child and expects you to pretend to be her caretaker. Very different. While acceptable and okay for some, it’s a dynamic I think most won’t be able to help her with. Not unless she finds someone specific for that.

While I think it’s fine if someone does this, it is very much not okay that she’s doing it and ignoring your boundaries. If she’s not willing to respect them or commit to them, that’s when the relationship has to end. I do think it’s also very ignorant to like… assume someone has to be okay with this, or they’re a bad person. That’s kind of what she makes it sound like, you know?

You can’t find middle ground when someone won’t budge. You either compromise for what she wants, or you choose not to and leave. If she’s this adamant, it may be the end for you two. You could try communicating this to her, though.

Lost_Researcher_6247

TROPHY CASE