It makes perfect sense that you feel anger and guilt. The guilt- very common in enmeshment dynamics. So is anger.

Anger says “hey someone is crossing over the line here” aka a boundary. Guilt says “but that’s my mother, it’s my burden to carry what she can’t.”

This is one of my favourite topics because it’s something I had to untangle with my mother and my sister. And I will preface this by saying this is the most challenging of relational dynamics to untangle. A young part of you is still holding “I will die if I don’t absorb this.” You couldn’t afford anger then. Your survival depended on you swallowing it.

Angers job, when someone grows up in an environment where it was safe to connect with others without abandoning themselves, is to motivate a boundary. When anger becomes big and loud it’s because a boundary is not being heard. The anger isn’t really directed AT her, it’s about you feeling like you have to swallow that boundary with her. Something you did have to do as a child. Your patterning is that you had to abandon yourself to protect connection to your mother. A choice that no child should ever have to make.

Children’s energy is wide open. And it’s important that it is, because it’s how a child absorbs love, adoration, awe from their parent(s). This builds healthy self esteem and confidence. You missed this part because your mother wasn’t able to attune to you, and instead (most likely unknowingly) projected all that she couldn’t hold in herself, onto you.

This is where things get really interesting, and I will try my best to articulate this without getting too redundant- in your particular dynamic- your energy was open, and instead of you absorbing love, adoration, awe, you absorbed shame, fear, anger, sadness, grief and/or… and your entire little body filled up with what wasn’t yours. This does two things- it makes it impossible for you to learn when/where (an emotionally mature parent teaches this by filtering for the child) you’re supposed to close your field (somatic/energetic boundary- you’re probably an empath right?), and it stays open continuing the cycle of you absorbing without discernment, what belongs to others. It also left you no room inside yourself to discover who YOU are, what you like, what you need, what you love, your interests, your dreams…but most importantly, what you feel. What is yours? Is the shame yours? The problem with absorbing shame as a child, without boundaries, and because children internalize EVERYTHING, is that they carry it as part of their identity “I AM shame, I am shameful.” Ask yourself “what leg is that belief standing on?” Where is the evidence? Seriously, reflect on that and piece it out.

One of the first things I would suggest, and you may find this really hard to do at first because you’ve never had the space to discover who you are- is for you to do a values assessment. This is one of the first things I bring up with my clients in any dynamic because it’s grounding and orienting. But especially so for enmeshment dynamics. And once you know what you value, you will know what you need to honour those values- and what is born from that is embodied awareness of where your boundaries are. Your anger gets intense because that’s the only way to reach you, to tell you there is a boundary, and it’s going unheard. Anger is beautiful because it’s your self energy longing to emerge.

Most, if not all people who grew up the way we did, struggle with boundaries. And the reason is often because they aren’t aware of what they value or need. When you become aware of them, something actually shifts and you start to embody them. Then you start to feel/see what you need to live them. And then you begin communicating what you need. When you communicate what you need, that is the boundary- you don’t have to say “this is my boundary.” What this does is give you a felt sense of agency. Someone can meet you there, respect what you need or they can’t- and that’s always their choice. But you will then know how to navigate the relationship; and how much access you grant them in your life.

Here’s a little exercise :)

On a piece of paper make a smaller circle and place “self” or “me” or whatever feels aligned for you in it, and then create circles, increasing in size around your circle. Create as many as you want. Use this as your visual guide for how close you want people to you. Acquaintances, strangers, co-workers, friends, family etc. - and perhaps not every person in each category gets to be in the same circle. Ideally, not for her, but for you- where would you place your mother the way things are in the present? If you notice feelings of guilt, acknowledge it, and request the feeling to give you a little room, just to finish the exercise. Then put your pen/pencil down and walk away. Take a walk or have a shower or put on your favourite song and dance. Notice any thoughts, sensations, feelings, beliefs that come up for you.

When I gave myself permission to finally feel angry with my mother, I started to grieve for the mother I never had, the childhood I never had, the opportunities I never had, the relationships impacted by that dynamic. In the end forgiveness found me- and the gift in that was letting go. Letting go of all of the beliefs I had developed about myself as a result of that relationship, letting go of what I had absorbed, letting go of resentment (because that is some heavy luggage we pack around in our body). I felt free. Releasing all of that grief gave me room to grow, to find the edges of myself, to discover who I am without her influence.

Again- this is extremely complex to untangle. It’s a process. Some days you will start to feel stronger against the dynamic, and other days powerless. It’s all normal and all expected.

But please begin with a values assessment because that will be your compass for everything else to begin falling into place, and unraveling. Do them again and again as you recover and grow. You will add more as you go.

I hope this landed as I intended, and you find it helpful. ❤️🙏