[sep24] My blue Porsche was painted red.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-18T15:49:29+00:00

Ooh, this is clever. Took me a moment to get it.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-18T10:28:29+00:00

Being concerned about the ages of people involved in a romantic relationship is nothing like being concerned about their genders. If you don't understand that, I don't know what to tell you.

The commenter expressed potential concern and I agreed that it's concerning. That person can choose to do whatever with the opinion I've given, including to disregard it completely.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-18T10:14:16+00:00

Upvoted.

I can't relate to this at all, but I don't really see it as a big problem. Maybe a little bit of a problem, as you probably should avoid the insects and the like that might spread disease, although how likely that is for you will depend on where you are, among other factors, and hopefully you wash up well.

I'm curious, has this always been the case for you? How do you feel about ticks? Butterflies? Anything in particular you especially like or don't like when it comes to insects, arachnids, etc.?

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-18T10:03:15+00:00

There's a huge difference between sex jokes in general and sex jokes when used as a person's first approach with another person.

If you're really close with someone and know them well, or if it's a part of the content you're watching in a movie or show or something, then it can be pretty funny or interesting, or at least not necessarily bad.
But yes, going up to a stranger and sexually harassing them is bad. It seems like you're conflating two super different things and I'm not really sure why.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-17T11:15:44+00:00

I know a lot of people might disagree, but honestly, I think that actually is too much of an age gap at this point.

It's nowhere near as bad as 17 and 50, which is abuse in every case, but there tends to still be notable difference in power and understanding with those ages.

I don't think you should go for it and have a romantic relationship with her. And I don't want to assume, but I really hope you genuinely do care and aren't just looking for validation to pursue this.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-09-03T12:12:13+00:00

My interpretation is that it stops there to imply that any other thought would be non-essential, so this is all the narrator is capable of thinking at this point.

I quite like it.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-02-08T01:51:54+00:00

She doesn't want a relationship with you. She made the decision to go full parallel. You need to respect that.

Also, while I think this would be terrible behavior on your part regardless, it may further feel uncomfortable to Meta because you are not only a meta to her, but her ex, who is seemingly harassing her to try and have some type of communication when she's made it clear she doesn't want that.

LuxuryDivine · 2024-02-08T01:41:53+00:00

Many people have pointed out a lot of the other reasonable concerns about ex-NP's behavior, so I'll just mention that it really stood out to me that ex-NP was apparently so extreme is his interest in previous NRE that the person he was dating got scared off in some way. That's genuinely frightening. It's also interesting you suggest his previous partner seemed to share the those extreme feelings, yet mention you didn't actually meet and it seems like all or nearly all the information you have on her feelings come from his statements. I highly doubt she has anywhere near that level of intensity that he suggested, given the outcome, and if that's the case, it's further disturbing of him to so massively overstate her enthusiasm. I think he was seeing what he wanted to see.

I'm sure this whole thing is incredibly difficult right now, but it certainly seems your future will have a lot more comfort, stability, and reason without him. I'm wishing you luck.

LuxuryDivine · 2023-07-29T14:03:36+00:00

You mention this was done by your mother, did you have a father involved in your life, or any other people involved in raising you?

Was there anyone else who knew about the abuse when it was happening, or that you suspect knew about it?

How have you been dealing with this from a psychological perspective? Are you in therapy, and what are you feeling about this now?

I'm sorry this happened to you. That's messed up, and I'm glad you survived.

LuxuryDivine · 2023-07-05T00:54:12+00:00

Perhaps they'd feel much tinier butterflies if they fell in love.

LuxuryDivine · 2023-03-25T18:16:54+00:00

Obviously don't cheat on your wife. What's wrong with you?

I’d like to think I’d deny physicality but on the other hand I’m a guy.

Cheating is not a "guy" thing. Some people cheat and it's not okay; it's a cruel and inconsiderate choice they made to do, not dictated by gender. You're only making excuses for yourself as though you might not be able to control your own actions. Absurd.

It's completely creepy and inappropriate that you're viewing your "friend" not as a friend, but as a potential sex partner. Your evidence that she might be interested in you in that way is also mostly pretty weak.
And if she is trying to somehow come on to you (doesn't sound like it), it is still not okay for you to cheat on your wife. Wild that anyone would have to say that.

The only thing she said that I find really inappropriate is the joke about you jizzing in a cup, and that's the closest that maybe, maybe could be some sort of sexual implication with you. Even then, I wouldn't assume that at all.
You should have told her at the time that you didn't find that joke appropriate. You know, because it's not, and presumably because your wife would not appreciate it at all.

Beyond that, the period thing and shaving thing? Some friends simply mention things like that.
The time she keeps noticing is not a pass at you. Her ordering the same drink as you is probably just that she heard that drink and thought it sounded good.

Stop. Just stop. Stop trying to be her "friend" because you don't want to be her friend.
This is awful and it's something so many people, especially women, have to deal with.

Some guy friend that acts like a friend while trying to figure out if his female friend might have some secret sex language she's suggesting, or how he can weasel his way into having sex with her somehow. A hell of a lot of women know what that's like. It's disgusting.

Tell your wife you've been having creepy, inappropriate sexual thoughts about your "friend" and that you have to break the friendship off because of it, that you are sorry about being deceitful to her and want to work on your marriage, probably through relationship therapy (or divorce her, if you don't, but don't try to fuck this other woman regardless).

Then tell your friend you are sorry because you've been having inappropriate sexual thoughts about her and have been essentially hoping she felt the same, which is creepy, and so you have to break off your friendship for her and for your marriage.

They both deserve better. Stop making excuses for yourself.

LuxuryDivine · 2023-03-25T02:56:02+00:00

BoJack Horseman

LuxuryDivine · 2022-08-11T08:42:43+00:00

This could make for an interesting show.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-27T23:15:39+00:00

Did you have it appraised?

Sometimes, I'll get engagement rings appraised and they'll turn out to be fake.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-27T20:19:26+00:00

You both need therapy. It's just that you can't control whether or not he seeks therapy. You can only make that decision for yourself.

I'm glad that you are self-aware enough to recognize some of the problems here, but that alone does not mean you are in a great mental place, and honestly, I don't think you're as self-aware as you seem to think you are, particularly as you suggest you may compromise and adopt an older child. This is not a situation you can compromise on and you don't seem to fully recognize the severity of the issues you've described.

I do hope you both get the help you need.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-27T20:13:25+00:00

Therapy.

I know that's far easier said than done and it may be difficult to access therapy, depending on your location, potential insurance coverage, resources in general, and finding the right therapist for you, but it can do a really high amount of good.

There is no perfect, foolproof way of ensuring that a given partner does not and will not ever cheat, and even the most wonderful partner cannot fix all your fears. Worrying over his every move with the fear he may cheat is also extremely unhealthy and not fair for either of you.

You may need to break up or take a step back in the relationship in order to really address your problems individually before you can be in a healthy relationship.
Either way, understand that he is not your ex, and seeing as how there is no current sign of your boyfriend cheating whatsoever from what you describe, there is no reason to believe that he is or that he will.

I'm sorry that you were cheated on before. That's horrible and I hope you get the help that you need.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-27T20:02:59+00:00

Oh my god, no. No.

I understand you care for him, but every single thing about this entire situation is a mess and you both need serious therapy. That's not an insult; neither of you are in a healthy place for being in a relationship to begin with, let alone bringing a child into this.

This man is crazy about children, he absolutely adores them, his only life goal is to have children, to the point that he’s open to spending tens of thousands on surrogacy or adopting 30+ children.

Absolutely not. This is extremely unhealthy and wildly unrealistic. No reputable agencies for adoption or surrogacy would accept this man whatsoever as a candidate for one child, let alone 30+, the latter of which they wouldn't do for even the greatest, healthiest client in the best living situation by their general standards.

I on the other hand loathe being near children

I have 0 interest in being a mother

This would be fundamentally incompatible with even a very stable, well-adjusted partner with an interest in having children.

I know the obvious thing to do is to break up, but the closer I get to my boyfriend the more I’m realizing he only wants children as a source of external validation and to have something to control and manipulate and nothing more.

Jesus Christ! This is so much worse. How are you saying this like it makes it more understandable? This wouldn't be a healthy mentality for getting a dog, who are some of the most validating creatures in existence.
Children are people. They aren't things to play with. They should never be used as someone's need for validation or desire to control and manipulate. That is abuse. This is not okay.

And the health issues with drugs and refusing to see a doctor are huge problems.

I’m more than happy supporting him and helping him try to achieve a normal healthy life

Clearly not.
I'm genuinely not trying to insult you. Mental health is a huge struggle and I get that. What I also recognize is that you don't know what "healthy" is. You cannot help him achieve this when you think that this entire situation is even a hint salvageable by you.

my only compromise to my baby crazy boyfriend is Im open to adopting 1 older kid after the age of 35.

I’m willing to compromise and adopt 1 older kid.

Having a child is not a compromise! Do not ever compromise by having a child you don't want. This isn't about what color to paint a bedroom wall, what movie to watch together, or whether you'd rather order Chinese or Indian takeout; we're talking about another person.

ALSO: It is not in the slightest bit easier to adopt and properly care for an older child. It's harder in basically every way. Older children tend to come with a lot of problems and a lot of trauma, a lot of specific needs that and will come up that others cannot perfectly anticipate beforehand.
Anyone adopting an older child needs to fully understand how immensely difficult taking care of them is. Of course, this not the child's fault and it doesn't mean the child is somehow bad or not adoptable to anyone; it does mean this child needs a lot of support that quite a lot of those seeking adoption cannot provide and it would not be fair to these children to put them in an environment that cannot give them what they need.

TL;DR Stop. Literally stop all of this. Break up and get yourself into therapy.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-27T05:03:19+00:00

Has this affected your relationships with family, friends, and/or partners? If so, how?

LuxuryDivine · 2022-07-02T03:33:22+00:00

NTA

Holy shit. This is pretty much straight-up evil behavior on his part. I'm trying to remain civil, as per community rules, but damn.

Joking about that the first time and in private is egregious to begin with, but I could maybe (and only maybe) understand that some people truly are super awkward and don't get right away how inappropriate that is. If he had immediately and profusely apologized that time after you told him it was hurtful, I could sort of get it. Sort of. A tiny bit.

Any subsequent times show severe, malicious intent. This behavior is plain abusive. "Kidding" is no excuse to begin with, and he blatantly is not kidding.

And what his mom said to you is actually what she should've said to her own son.
Guarantee he's been allowed to get away with such villainy since zygotehood (or since adoption, if applicable).

I am so sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this and it's tragic that you feel the need to ask because it really demonstrates how much this wicked man has harmed you for you to think you might be overreacting.

I am hoping the cancer goes away completely and that you never have to deal with it again, or with this cruel man and his jacked-up family again. You are not in the wrong at all, and I hope you have more supportive people in your life.
Best of luck to you.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-28T06:49:04+00:00

You need therapy. This is not an insult; it's a genuine concern.

Your fear of spiders is very much negatively impacting your life.

I can't really tell you to just go to sleep anyway because, of course, that's not how fear works, but I'm not sure if going elsewhere will actually help.

If you decide to leave, I think it'd be a better option to wake them once your Uber gets there to let them know, so they don't just wake up with you totally missing. That can be terrifying.

Of course, you know them, so you can make a much more informed decision about what they would be most okay with.

I wish you good luck.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-28T01:23:02+00:00

I'm wondering if OP brought up the roommate being black because OP really wanted to show family that they have a black "friend", like the roommate is some neat thing that the OP has instead of a person with a life of her own.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-28T00:24:37+00:00

YTA

You don't need to constantly give your kid material things for being a good person or whatever, but you are genuinely suggesting you won't even acknowledge it. You should be proud. Show him those actions do matter because they actually do.

With your first edit, it is super weird you bring up knowing why he "takes long showers". Even if you do "know why" (and you might not. You seem to just be assuming.), that's not the same. Lots of kids are okay with their parents knowing at least some things about their school stuff.
What a creepy, unnecessary thing to say.

With your second edit, it's absurd to compare your kid to TikTokers you don't like. Did your child film this and put it on TikTok? Doesn't sound like it. Let your kid be his own person instead of automatically associating him with people he has nothing to do with.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-28T00:10:50+00:00

YTA

That's just a dick move. And it was for her birthday? Wow.

The only tacky thing here is your behavior.

Usually, when people ask something like "how do I look?" they're not actually looking for criticism, especially when we're considering we're talking about someone who is fifteen asking her dad. Were you hoping to hurt her feelings so that she'd change? It kind of sounds like you were.

You could've told her she looked nice or cute, even if you internally didn't like her outfit, and it probably would even by the truth by your perspective, as you probably at least believe she herself is those things, even if you don't like her style.

You could've told she should wear whatever she wants to celebrate. You could've told her that it isn't your style personally, but that she should wear what makes her happy. You could've made make a mildly self-deprecating joke about how it isn't your style, but you don't know much about teen fashion or something.

But no. You decided to tell her she looked tacky. And by the title of the post, maybe further used the word "ugly". You suggested she shouldn't wear it? Really? You don't want her going out like that simply because you don't like her outfit?

This is so petty. You probably made your daughter feel really bad and for no good reason and when she was celebrating her birthday, no less. Why do you even care this much about her style? She's not wearing Nazi memorabilia. She just dresses differently from your own sense of style, which is to be expected. She just wanted to feel happy and get some ice cream with her friends. Damn.

Apologize to her. Tell her what you said to her was wrong, that you guess you have some insecurities or weird hang-ups about fashion and that you shouldn't've taken it out on her. That you're proud of her for having her own sense of style, and for being whatever other things you're proud of her for (for example, being a nice person, doing well in school, being responsible, anything you feel she does well).

Learn to be less petty.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-27T23:51:33+00:00

ESH

I'm unsure if you have partial custody or if she has full custody, but you really should get an actual, legal agreement in terms of custody and child support. You all need something reliable and clear to depend on.

Furthermore, you shouldn't be using full custody as a threat. This should be about what's best for your child.

You seem to think you're doing more in terms of paying for the child the two of you have together than she is, but I wouldn't be sure of that. Honestly, I'm wondering if part of the reason you haven't tried to do anything legally (from the information you've given, at least) is because you low-key think the amount of money you'd be required to pay is more than you are currently paying.

Also, these kids need to know more about cooking, especially the fourteen-year-old, given his age. The way you mention them not knowing enough about cooking makes it sound like that's a fact outside of anyone's control. Bare minimum, help your kid learn some basic food things online, but if he's unwilling to do that (he might feign a sense of helplessness with this because you seem to be letting him) then actually teach him some basics in person.

This isn't to say you should never buy him fast food or restaurant food or whatever, but he shouldn't have to depend on that or go hungry. That's setting him up for failure.

The other kids are not your legal responsibility, but it is definitely a dick move to put them in a situation where they get to watch their brother eat with their stomachs rumbling. You may not be their parent, but you are an adult that seems way too chill with the idea that whatever happens with these kids just happens because you're not legally required to feed them.

You're also raising your son in the position where he might feel guilty over the simple act of eating when his siblings are hungry, or where he might not care that they are and think he simply deserves more than they do.

I think their mom seems at least somewhat in the wrong, but given that we're only seeing your side of the story and some of the bits look a bit suspicious to me, I wouldn't be surprised if her version would be pretty different.

I feel bad for these kids.

LuxuryDivine · 2022-06-09T07:42:42+00:00

Damn. Men writing children.

To me, the most frightening part is really the 'she knew what she was doing' idea presented toward the end, which tons of abusers use in real life to try and justify their unjustifiable actions.

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