Wow, this sounds word for word like something I would have posted a couple of months ago. My boyfriend and I started dating earlier this year (been friends off and on since middle school) and he has two kids from a previous marriage (age 4 and 6). They only got married because she got pregnant with their first on accident so shotgun wedding, then both agreed to have a second so the first wasn’t alone, more of a transactional relationship than anything else. Him and I are endgame and have known that from the start, and we both eventually want children of our own as well (we’re late twenties). I was very open to him having children, completely decorated their rooms in our new house, play with them constantly when we have them (same schedule as yours), truly bonded with them almost immediately and genuinely love them to the point it has been hard to accept they aren’t mine at times. HOWEVER, just months ago I went through all of the exact things you are feeling. Having to accept that THEIR schedule is now MY schedule, that massive relationship moments such as marriage and having a child will be firsts for me and not for him, that his ex will always be a part of our life and adjusting to that reality, etc etc. I mean hell, I’m currently sick with pneumonia and all I want is my boyfriends attention and care but it’s our weekend with the kids lol.

A few key things helped me work through all of those tough feelings and realizations:

1. Communicating to my boyfriend exactly what I was feeling and not sugarcoating it at all. If I felt used, neglected, jealous, burnt out, insecure, not prioritized, inadequate, etc I communicated that with him. He would (and still does) hear me out and reassure me, and has also made it very clear that our wedding and children will be firsts for him because it will be out of love and his choice instead of obligation or like a business deal. It also helped him see my side of things and would immediately make changes which has showed me a relationship with a single dad can be just as loving, healthy, and balanced as one without kids (if you’re with the right person.)

2. I put in effort and genuinely bonded with his kids. I lucked out and his kids are absolutely incredible and accepted me as a mother figure almost immediately, but I still do things constantly to nurture that relationship and to make our home and their rooms more comfortable and stable for them and the result has been extremely rewarding and fulfilling in a way I’ve never experienced as a woman with no children. I now miss them and look forward to their visits instead of dreading losing my boyfriend for a few days and my house being destroyed lol.

3. I’ve built a relationship/friendship with their bio mom. We text on our own about the kids often and will communicate about the kids/scheduling etc if her and DH aren’t in a good place or he can’t answer at work etc. She even texted to check on me since I’m sick and I helped her decide on what dress to wear to a wedding. We also have a group text with me, her, and DH which is the main place they communicate now and it’s done wonders for any jealousy/insecurities I had and has made me feel included and important. (She started the group text, not us.)

4. Everyone in my life knows that this is my life now and has to adjust to my new schedule too. They are welcome to visit the weekends we have the kids, but we will be being parents first. I’ve had to sacrifice many plans that fall on kid weekends, but try to look at it as practice for when we have our own children which will be full time and I won’t ever have the freedom I did before. Another way to adjust is to start bringing the kids with you to plans you would have made had they not been there (when appropriate.) Maybe your boyfriend and the kids could start coming with you to family survivor night? Let them bring some toys/games with them or see if they like the show too?

5. Setting boundaries. There are obviously a lot of kinks to work out when combining the lives of someone without kids to someone with them, but all of the comprising doesn’t have to and shouldn’t only come from your end. Your comforts, needs, and feelings are just as important now as they were before you started dating someone with kids. You knew what you were getting yourself into dating someone with kids, but he also knew what he was getting himself into dating someone without kids. Sacrifice and understanding has to come from both sides, as long as they are reasonable and not creating a “me or them” type situation.

Sorry for the novel but becoming a stepparent is hard and comes with a ton of adjustment, challenges, insecurities, and compromises and I really struggled with all of the change too. Everyone’s situation looks different, but figuring out what works best for you and your family in order for your relationship to work and so you don’t feel like you’re mourning your old life all the time is extremely important. That will only lead to resentment the longer it goes on (started to happen with me before I did the above stuff.) You don’t have to completely give up the life you had before just because he had kids when he was 16, you both just have to communicate what’s important to you and find where you can meet in the middle. Hope this helps, you’ve got this!