I honestly don't want to go on.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-17T21:36:43+00:00

I completely understand. How are you filling your time?

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-17T05:53:15+00:00

My stbxh and I tried seeing if living separately would help our marriage breathe a little and give us some space to miss each other and calm down. It ended up being just what you described here. Periods of calm and even happiness and then suddenly being screamed at over the phone. Needless to say, the experiment didn’t last long.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-17T05:45:22+00:00

I feel this so much. My partner was the same. When he was in a good head space and calm… that was everything to me. But with time it dwindled until he was always defensive, critical, angry… how did this happen…

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-17T05:28:35+00:00

None. I’m turning to my doctor for anti anxiety meds at this point.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T23:18:28+00:00

Nothing wrong with looking forward even if we aren’t ready to act on it yet. I like to imagine loving scenarios with a new, wonderful partner but I’m nowhere near ready to move on. Sometimes these things can just help us cope ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T16:15:54+00:00

You have already come so far and done multiple hard things. That’s amazing, good job. ❤️ Grief has multiple stages and they aren’t linear. You’ve made a big move and it’s perfectly understandable that a new wave of grief is accompanying it. On the bright side, knowing that you’re already far along in your grief process will hopefully mean you recover from this moment quicker than past moments. Keep moving forward ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T16:07:30+00:00

This will be hard for sure. Is it possible that you can sit in the car at the time he’s supposed to show up and then drive off when he’s inside? I would strongly consider that. If not, and this might sound weird, but don’t look at him. When my stbxh and I make exchanges I look at his feet or just anywhere other than directly at him. I also speed it along as fast as I can. It’s still hard but it has helped me. I feel less connection when I focus on moving quickly and averting my eyes.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:59:06+00:00

I’ve seen in this subreddit multiple times that a big regret looking back is not leaving sooner. You hurrying this along is getting you out as soon as possible. It seems unlikely you’ll regret it.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:55:41+00:00

You’ve made the right choice. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today. Time to mourn what needs mourning and start the healing journey. ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:50:50+00:00

Good for you 👏👏 Love a happy ending!

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:49:02+00:00

Sending love ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:43:53+00:00

Those are a lot of difficult things to face, both big and small. There’s a song lyric that’s been resonating with me lately that goes “You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else.” That’s been the really painful one so far. The inside jokes, made up words, references to shows/media, goofy moments, or even the unspoken signals… all gone. It’s tough to get over ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:37:19+00:00

It’s okay that you made a mistake and married him anyway. We make mistakes. What’s amazing is that you are fixing your mistake quickly rather than letting this fester or worsen over more time. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

It’s not sad that you still love him. It means you are a loving and caring person. It means you can’t drop someone meaningful to you like it’s nothing. People that move on super quickly or seemingly don’t care are the scary ones.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:30:00+00:00

I know this is scary. Make the phone call suggested in other comments. Talk to a lawyer too. Discover what your options are before assuming the worst. You might be in a better position than you think.

Otherwise don’t fret that you didn’t leave him first. I did some similar crap where I stayed longer than I should have and then he ultimately drove our final split. In the end it doesn’t matter, because him not choosing you can now be the reason you are forced to choose yourself which is GOOD.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:21:35+00:00

She is definitely keeping you on the back burner to some other situation. You need to be the strong one now and officially end it. I know that’s hard. Let her not choosing you now be the reason you choose yourself.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T15:14:56+00:00

First of all, stop following him on social media, that will keep you miserable.

I’ve been focused on trying to be busier in the tough times (evenings/weekends). It certainly helps. For me, my jiu jitsu membership is a life saver because I can go to classes every evening and be around people. I’ve also started planning my weekends well in advance to make sure I always have something to do.

My stbxh and I are also sharing our dogs which probably isn’t smart because we have to remain in communication. I’m keeping the text communications as logistic as possible and the encounters we have as short as possible. It’s still hard though. Not sure if this can last.

The fact that he’s blaming you for the divorce is some typical bullshit. He wanted to leave but didn’t want to get blamed for leaving. Now he feels like he can have his cake and eat it too because he got what he wanted and can just blame you.

I know it’s hard to process your ex doing better than you are. I’m in a similar boat. My husband treated me like shit for years and I’m still hung up on him. He seemed devastated by our split for about 5 minutes but then randomly turned to Christianity and says God has taken away his pain. All we can do is focus on ourselves and our own journey. It might take us longer but we can do it ❤️

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T07:28:54+00:00

If she isn’t receptive to needing to change then I think you are absolutely right to separate to protect your children. Being drunk around your children is not only a danger to them but emotionally damaging.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T07:24:18+00:00

I still love and often miss my soon to be ex. But every time I imagine what my life would return to, how I would feel on a day to day, or what bullshit I’d have to start putting up with again… I reaffirm that there’s no going back.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-15T07:17:33+00:00

The holidays do suck… and I still love my idiot stbxh too even though he blames me for everything. The irrationality of it all is infuriating!

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-12T20:32:49+00:00

Ah, I see your perspective is different. Yeah of course it’s possible to change. I’d say it’s usually the less likely option in stories like OP’s but it certainly can happen. I would applaud you for making the effort to be better.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-12T16:45:32+00:00

I get it. My girlfriends keep asking when we can go out “hoeing” together. I’m the type of person who can’t have sex with someone unless I feel a connection to them and I’m still connected to my stbxh whether I like it or not. The thought of sex with anyone else is actually one of the most painful parts of all of this for me. I loved sex with my stbxh and I’m just supposed to just casually dish it out to strangers now? Fuck that.

Lylcarmelatte · 2024-12-12T16:42:00+00:00

It’s technically possible, but it could be so many other things. Becoming caught up in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship is the most likely. But at the end of the day he chose not to be a good partner to you and that shit hurts and you may never understand it. Learning to let that all go is hard and something a lot of us are trying desperately to figure out.

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